Title: Poor Turks...
Summary: The Turks get to do a very horrible mission.
"Reno, will you hurry up already? Tseng is waiting." Elena asked, looking down at her watch, "We're already late!" Reno sighed deeply and threw his sigarette on the ground before stepping on it, "Yeah, yeah.." Rude had already gone ahead, some friend he was..leaving Reno all alone with Elena.
"I wonder what's up..he sounded pretty serious." Reno stopped walking for a second and gave her a weird look, "Uh..Elena..the guy always sounds serious.." Elena shook her head and continued to walk, "No he doesn't.." Reno grinned, "Oh?" Elena turned to look at him, "What?"
"No, nothing."
"Reno, what's going on in that sick mind of yours?"
"You must see him outside of work."
"What?!"
"Well, he always sounds serious at work, so if you say he doesn't sound serious all the time, you must see him outside of work."
"N..No I don't!"
"Will you two hurry up?" Tseng stood outside his office, waiting for them..it seemed like he ran out of patience a long time ago.
"Yes sir." both of them stepped into the office and stood beside Rude, "Yo, I need to tell you a nastly little secret about Elena after this!" Reno said, not caring about the fact that Elena stood right next to him and could hear everything he said.
"For the last time, I don't see him outside of work!" Elena hissed at him, Tseng coughed slightly annoyed, and the whole room went silent.
"Right..now that Elena and Reno are here, we can go over the mission." he reached for a piece of paper and handed it to Rude, "I trust that you complete this mission succesfully." Rude handed the paper to Reno, who immediately handed it to Elena, deciding not to read it.
"Any questions?" he sat back down on his chair, "Um..yes." Elena said while still reading the paper, "This paper says that we are to babysit Marlene and Denzel." Reno's eyes flew wide open and he snatched the paper from her hand, "What the hell?!"
"Yes, is that a problem?" Tseng asked, as calm as ever.
"Um...I guess not?" Elena said softly, Rude shrugged slightly and Reno was still reading the paper, his mouth dropped open and he began to grin, "Hey, good one boss! You had me there for a second!" he put the paper back on the desk, "There's no way the Turks are going to look after a bunch of kids!"
"Oh?" Tseng narrowed his eyes a bit, "Is that so?" Reno laughed nervously, "Yeah..I mean, the Turks do serious shit like blowing things up and kidnapping people..right?"
"Ah, yes..but this mission was given to us directly by the President." Tseng said while putting the paper back in his drawer, "You must be joking.." Reno said softly, "Do I look like I'm joking, Reno?"
---
"Shit!" Reno whined, while kicking Elena's seat, "You better stop kicking my seat if you wanna keep your damn legs!" Elena hissed at him before turning back to the window.
"Rufus is out to get us! Didn't I tell you guys? I told you didn't I? That he was going to do something like this?" he asked, leaning forward so he sat right next to Elena and Rude, "Will you just shut up?" Elena asked, while rubbing her temples, "I know Laney...I know..it sickens you too that you have to watch some kids while you could be out destroying an entire city.." Elena shook her head and looked out of the window again, "Reno, give us directions to Seventh Heaven." she said suddenly, "What makes you think I know where it is?" both Rude and Elena turned to glare at him, "What?"
"Reno...you know where every bar in the entire world is located." Elena said, "No I don't!" Rude coughed slightly, "Yes you do."
Reno gave them a very hurt look, he sat back in his seat and frowned, "You guys...why are you always so mean to me..?" he asked sadly, Elena gave him a weird look, "I may look tough and all..but sometimes, you really hurt my feelings..." Elena started frowing now too, "Reno...I'm so-"
"Turn left here."
---
"I can't believe it! You faked it?" Elena asked Reno as they stepped out of the car, "Ahh!! You should've seen your face, Laney! 'Reno..I'm soooo sorry!' Hahaha!" Elena kicked him against the knee, he dropped to the ground for a second, but he never stopped grinning, "You really made my day!"
"Hello!" Tifa smiled and waved at the three Turks, "You're right on time!" Rude and Elena walked towards her, and Reno did his best to get up while dying of laughter.
"Yo!" he wiped the dirt from his clothes and waved at Tifa, "Well, lets go!" Tifa called inside, a very annoyed Cloud walked out of the bar, "Tifa..are you sure you want to go out shopping? I mean..these guys can't be trusted with living things." Reno gave him an evil glare, "Hey! It wasn't out fault that the puppy died, okay?! It was an accident!" Rude hit him against the shoulder, "Shut up!"
Tifa was silent for a moment, but then smiled again and grabbed Cloud's arm, "Well, we're off! Make sure to bring them back around 7!" Elena blinked, "Bring them back? Aren't we staying here?" Tifa laughed and shook her head, "No no..we're having a discount day, everyone can come in and drink ten beers while paying for one! And we-" Reno frowned, "No!" he sobbed into Elena's shoulder, "Why do we have to babysit when there is such a nice event going on here?!"
Tifa coughed, "-And we don't really like the idea of Denzel and Marlene sitting there with all those drunks."
Elena shook her head, "You do know that you're handing them to Reno, right?" Tifa went silent again..that's right! Reno was her best customer..
"Tifa!!!" the door flew open and a young ninja, named Yuffie, stumbled through it, "The TV's broken!!" Tifa gasped, "How..?" Vincent walked outside aswell, "It was uh..an accident." he stared down at his gun and quickly hid it behind him, "There was a show on that said 'Give it a shot!' and Vincent went completely crazy, he started shooting like a madman..I don't think the TV can be saved Tifa!" Cloud's lip trembled..his TV..dead..gone...he was going to kill Vincent..
"Um..right, we'll just buy a new TV while we're at it!" Tifa pushed Cloud on his bike and jumped up on it too, "Bye bye!" she waved at them before Cloud took off.
The Turks slowly turned to face Vincent and Yuffie, Reno glared at Yuffie, "If I find out that my materia are gone..I'll do to your face what he did to the TV." Reno said while pointing at Vincent, Yuffie shrugged, very disturbed about the thought that her face was going to look like the mess that was once a TV..
"Uh..right!" she laughed nervously and stepped behind Vincent, "What are you two doing here anyway?" Elena asked, Yuffie grinned, "Tifa asked us to watch this place while they were gone!" Reno sighed desperately, "Can't we switch places? We take the bar, you take the kids?"
Yuffie's grin grew even bigger, "Maybe if you ask nicely!" Reno glared at her, "You want me to beg?" Yuffie nodded, "No way! The Turks never beg!" Yuffie shrugged and pushed Vincent inside the bar, "Then no bar for you!" she said while closing the door behind her.
Suddenly, the door opened again, and Denzel and Marlene were pushed out of it, "Have a nice day outside the bar with uncle Reno!" Yuffie cackled.
Reno bit his lip, was he going to swallow his pride and get down on his knees for that annoying girl? No way! But..it was so tempting...ten beers for the price of one..no..no..Turks didn't beg..
Everyone got back in the car, "Lets just get back to headquarters.." Elena said, leaning back in the front seat, next to Rude, Rude nodded and began driving back, Reno was silent for a moment, "Hey! Why do I have to sit in the back with the kids?!" Elena giggled, "Because they'll feel more comfortable around other kids!" Reno didn't get the joke at first..but then gasped, "Are you saying I'm a kid?!" Elena laughed again, "Wow! So bright too!" Reno put on a pout and sat back in his chair.
---
"Please don't touch that!" Elena shrieked as she quickly pulled a shotgun from Denzel's hand, "That's very dangerous..don't touch things like that." Denzel frowned and nodded, "Okay.."
"Uh..Elena!" Reno called, "We've got a situation here!" Elena ran over to them, "What?" Reno gave her a terrified look, "Where's that other kid?" Elena blinked, "Who?" Rude sighed, "Marlene." everyone went pale when they heard the President scream over the intercom.
"Ahh! No, don't touch that! Give it back! No!!! Don't push that button! You can only push that button if you have an announcement! Hey! Where did you get..NO!!!" Elena held her hands in front of her mouth, Rude nervously scratched the back of his head, and Reno took a step back.
"Reno, Rude, Elena!!!" Rufus screamed, "You better hurry up and come get the kid, before you are all fired!!!"
Elena, Reno and Rude quickly made their way to the President's office, Elena gasped..good god..it looked like a bom was dropped here...it was sector 7 all over again!
"Get...the...kid..." Rufus hissed at them, doing his best not to kill them.
Elena quickly ran to one side of the desk, while Reno took the other side, "Get out of your hiding kid, or we'll have to come get you." Reno said, "The target's in sight!" Elena called as she pointed near Reno's leg, "Got you now!" he jumped down to grab Marlene, but Marlene was way too fast for him, and he hit his head against the desk, "OW!!" Elena tried to grab Marlene, but she managed to dodge Elena's attack, "Reno! Are you alive?" Reno got up again and gave Marlene the most scary look anyone had ever seen, "It's time we get out the secret weapon."
Elena paled a bit, "Reno...no...you know what happened the last time.." Reno grinned evilly, "This time, I won't use too much.." Rufus stared at him, "You better not!" Rufus remembered the last time that Reno used too much to lure a kid out of his office..it took the cleaners quite some time to fix the place..
Reno jumped out from his hiding and stood in front of Marlene, "Look, Marlene! Candy!" he pulled out an extremely large bag of candy, Marlene slowly walked forwards...that looked so good..she had never seen such a huge bag..with such delicious sweets in it too..
"You want it?" Reno asked slyly while slowly waving the bag in front of her face, Marlene nodded slowly.
Elena bit her lip, "Don't give her too much Reno..I beg you..." Rude seemed just as nervous, "Don't make her sick Reno..or we'll lose our job.." Rufus cocked his shotgun, if Reno had the guts to give the kid too much candy again, he'd shoot him..there was no way he would let a kid throw up in his office again.
"Alright then..be a good girl and wait outside." he handed her the bag and Marlene left the office, "See? Now bow down to your new leader! Unless you want me to call my minion and send her at you!" Rufus started aiming his shotgun, "It was a joke!" Reno screamed as he jumped down to the floor.
Elena went pale again, "Reno?" Reno looked up at her, "What?" she looked at Rude, then Reno, then Rude again, "Where's Denzel?" Reno dropped his head onto the floor again, "Shit!"
Elena slowly reached in her pocket when she heard her phone ring, "Hello?" she asked, Reno got back on his feet, Rude helped him get up, and Rufus started cleaning up a bit.
"Elena."
"Sir?"
"Can you tell me something?"
"Um..sure?"
"Why is it, that everytime I give you a hard mission, you complete it without any trouble, and I give you an easy one..and you manage to screw up?"
"Wh..What..?"
"Aren't you missing something?"
"Yes! How did you know?"
"Because the boy has been rambling to me for the past hour..I just got my phone back!"
"I..see.."
"So get over here and do what you are all paid for!"
Elena put the phone back and began walking to the door, "I know where he is.." Reno sighed, "Good..where?" Elena frowned, "Tseng's office." Reno frowned aswell, "Hello, endless lecture.." he whispered softly before following Rude and Elena.
---
Far past midnight, the car pulled up at Seventh Heaven, Tifa stormed outside, she looked ready to hurt someone really badly..
"Do you know what time it is?!" she screamed while throwing a pocket watch at Reno, "I said, bring them back around 7!" she gasped slightly when she saw Elena and Rude, "What..happened to you?" she was used to seeing Reno all messy, but Elena and Rude always looked so neat..what had happened.
"I'm never having kids...ever!" Elena sobbed while rubbing her back, Rude dragged himself out of the car, Denzel and Marlene were still sitting on his back, "We're home..kids...time to...get off..." he slowly put the kids down before dropping down on the ground.
Reno got out of the car too..through the window..he looked pretty normal, but now that he stood closer..
"These two..aren't kids..." he said while pulling on a piece of gum in his hair, "They are demons." he hissed at Marlene, who was sticking her tongue out at him.
"Can you please tell them..that gummi bears do not belong in ears?!" he asked while rubbing his ears..
"Never ever!!" Elena dropped down on her knees aswell and began crying as if something horrible had happened.
Reno's lip trembled slightly before he hugged Rude and Elena, "Rudester..Laney...it's okay...this is too much..even for...the Turks.." he began sobbing aswell and hugged them even tighter.
"The horror! How can anyone ever have kids, and not commit suicide?!" he stood up, still shaking a bit, "I..don't...know..." Elena slowly stood up again and Reno helped her back to the car, "Rude..man..you drive.." he whispered, Rude shook his head, "I can't drive..If I drive..we'll die..."
"We're already dead!" Elena wailed from inside the car.
Reno stumbled towards Rude and grabbed his leg, "Time to go home buddy.." he said while dragging his friend into the car.
---
Two months later, the Turks sat quietly in their office.
"Hmm.." Reno started, "What?" Elena looked up from her work, "You know..I wonder why Rufus wanted us to babysit.."
"Hmm...yeah...strange.." she said before getting back to her work, "Time to find out!" Reno stood up and walked towards the door.
"Reno, where are you going?" Rude asked, "I'm going to find out why Rufus send us there...he's not here now anyway." Elena jumped up, "Reno, we shouldn't.." Reno glared at her, "Elena, do you remember how they tied us up...threw candy at us..and put gum all over our hair?" Elena's eyes became wet again, "...yes..."
"Do you remember how they threatend to shave us, so that we'd look just like Rude?" Elena nodded, "How they told you that if you failed to listen, they would shave Tseng's head?" Elena began sobbing, "Yes..yes..yes!!"
"...we deserve to know Laney..we deserve to know why we had to go through all that.."
Rude stood up and nodded, "Right." and evil smile spread on Elena's face, "Lets go!"
---
"Wow! So many private notes that say Rufus is a stud!" Reno laughed, "Looks like everyone wants a piece of him!" Elena shrugged, "Well..I guess we won't find anything..lets go before he returns."
Rude suddenly gasped and held a notebook up, Reno and Elena rushed over to him and began reading the first note...
"Dear Rufus, AKA, President Shinra,
I have been wanting to go shopping with Cloud for quite some time..but I could never find the time..
So, I want you to send someone over to babysit them, while we are out shopping."
Elena gave Reno and Rude a weird look, Reno turned the page around.
"Dear Rufus, AKA, President Shinra,
I don't think I made myself clear, this isn't a request, and you are certainly not in the position to decline."
Rude shrugged a bit before reading the last loose note in the book.
"Dear Rufus, AKA, President Shinra,
Well, dear Rufus...I'm sorry you feel that way...I guess you leave me no choice but to spread these pictures around the city...
That's right, I had a photocamera at your birthday, you and your Turks are horrible drunks..seriously, there were some people who thought you and those fools were insane, then again..you did walk around in the nude...while holding Elena's bra over your head...and Reno was stripping on the bar..and Rude was flirting with a man, and of course, Elena and Tseng were making out and had a fun time with the wipped cream..
Anyway, you better do what I say and send someone over, or else...
You get the rest, don't you?
Love, Tifa Lockheart."
All of their mouths dropped open,
"I stripped on a bar?!"
"I flirted with a man?!"
"I made out with Tseng?"
Rude and Reno glared at Elena, "Gee Laney...you're really upset aren't you?" Elena had an extremely large smile on her face and squealed slightly.
"Hmm..I wonder if I got some that night.." Reno said, grinning like a moron, "Hey Rude, you probably hope you didn't get some that night!" Reno laughed, Elena was still not over the fact that she had made out with Tseng, and Rude paled, "Oh god...nothing happened..please..nothing happened!" he held his head and dropped down on the floor.
Reno picked up the photos that were attachted to the last note,
Rufus was all naked, he was dancing like a moron while a pink bra hung over one of his eyes.
Reno was looking just like a proffesional stripper, letting a really old man put a dollar in his underpants.
Rude was sitting in another man's lap, while kissing his neck.
And in the last picture were Tseng and Elena...Tseng was lying on the ground, while Elena sat above him with a can of wipped cream, suprisingly, they were both fully dressed, they had a huge smile on their face.
Elena jumped up and ripped the last picture from Reno's hand, "Ehehehe..." she giggled.
"Um...Laney?" Reno backed away slowly.
"Now, Tseng can never deny his feelings for me ever again!" with that, she raced out of the room, laughing like a mad dog.
Reno blinked a few times, before looking back at Rude who was giving him a very amused look.
"What?"
"I think you hope nothing happened that night either, Reno."
Reno blinked again, "Huh?" Rude grinned and pointed at the old man in Reno's picture, who was putting a dollar in his underpants.
His mouth dropped open, "No!!!!"
---
Elena smiled evilly at Tseng, "Like it?" she asked while holding the picture out in front of him.
"Hmm.." Tseng looked at the picture again.
"If I take you out for dinner, will you burn the picture?"
Elena smiled, finally, she had gotten the dinner that she had been waiting for, for years.
The End! To a very weird oneshot. :P