Do not ask. Just DO NOT ASK. Disclaimer is below.

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If You Were Gay

Song © Avenue Q
Characters © Kishimoto Masashi and ShonenJump Magazine

It was a slow day in Konohagakure. No missions, no annoying brats to train, for Kakashi Hatake it was perfect. He was in his room at the jonin headquarters, enjoying his newfound peacefulness.

"You know, Pakkun," Kakashi sighed to his dog summon, "this is going to be a great day. An afternoon with no one around but you and my favorite book – Make Out Paradise. How can it get any better?" The Copy-Nin slouched in his comfy chair and pulled out his book, scratching his faithful companion behind his ears. Pakkun whined in pleasure as Kakashi grinned beneath his mask. Sweet tranquility.

"GREETINGS, MY ETERNAL RIVAL!!"

Kakashi sighed. I knew it was too good to last… "Hello, Gai."

The Green-Power-Ranger-Wannabe shot Kakashi his traditional thumbs-up and blindingly bright smile. Then his countenance flipped to a more serious one. "Hey, you'll never guess what happened to me at Ichiraku Ramen today. This guy was talking to me, and smiling at me…"

"Yeah, uh-huh, whatever."

"He was being real friendly. I think he was coming on to me! I think HE might have thought I was GAY!"

Kakashi cleared his throat, blushing under his mask. "So, um, why should I care? I don't care. Now please, leave me alone."

Gai blinked. "Well, you don't have to get all defensive – "

"I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!!" Pakkun jumped up at Kakashi's outburst, deciding this was the time for him to make a subtle exit. He barked once and disappeared in a burst of chakra. Even Gai looked a little surprised. Kakashi opened his book again. "Why are you telling me this? Why should I care about some gay guy you met today? Okay? I am trying to read."

Gai shrugged. "I consider you my best friend, Kakashi. I just think this is something we should be able to talk about. I didn't mean anything by it."

Kakashi fixed the other jonin with a one-eyed stare and simply said, "I do not want to talk about it, Gai. This conversation is over."

"But Kakashi – "

"OVER!"

Gai scratched the back of his neck with a sheepish look on his face. "Well, okay. But still…"

Kakashi paled a paper-white. "PLEASE tell me you're not going to sing."

Gai smiled and shot Kakashi another thumbs-up. "If you were gay…"

"Oh, no."

"That'd be okay…I mean, 'cause hey! I'd like you anyway!"

Kakashi groaned. "Oh, God."

"Because you see…if it were MEEEEEEEEEEEEE…I would feel free to say that I was gay! But I'm not gay."

Kakashi snorted. No straight guy would ever dress in that much spandex twenty-four-seven. At Gai's smile, however, he cleared his throat and buried his face deeper in the porn book. "Gai, please. I am trying to read." A few tense seconds passed with Gai staring at Kakashi. When Kakashi finally noticed, he started freaking out. "WHAT?!"

"If you were queer…"

"Gai!"

"I'd still be here…"

"Gai, I am trying to read my book…"

"Year after year…"

"Gai…"

Because you're dear to me! I know that you…would accept me TOOOOOOOOO…"

"I would?"

"If I told you today: HEY! GUESS WHAT! I'M GAY! But I'm not gay…I'm happeeeeeeeeee…just being with you…"

"Can't you go annoy someone else?"

"So what does it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?"

Kakashi's visible eye twitched.

Asuma Sarutobi and Kurenai Yuuhi were on their way to Konoha Tea Avenue for a romantic day of relaxation when they walked by the Jonin headquarters and heard two people being louder than the rest of the village. Half of the villagers walking by the building were stopping in the streets and whispering things along the lines of "What the hell is going on up there?!" The two jonin had been trained in intelligence gathering, so they decided to go up and check it out.

And they had picked a very bad moment to walk into the room. Gai was singing and dancing all around the room while Kakashi was yelling and trying to drown him out.

"If you were gay…"

"Oh…Gai!"

"I'd shout Hooray!"

"I'm not listening!"

"And here I'd staaaaaaaaaaaaaaay…"

"La la la la la la!"

"So that I wouldn't get in your way…"

"AAAH!"

"You can count on me…to always BEEEEEEEEEEEEE…Beside you every day! To tell you it's OK! You were just born that way! And as they say, it's in your DNA, you're GAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!"

"I AM NOT GAY!!"

Gai winked. "If you WERE gay."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!" Kakashi had had enough. He grabbed all of his stuff and ran out of the room screaming.

Asuma and Kurenai shared a 'Look', then turned questioning glances to Gai. Gai just shrugged. "Was it something I said?"