The Time Machine II

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

One year ago, RK and Wade journeyed through time. One year later, the duo is back at it as they once again fire up the time machine to help Jaylynn pass her history final.

1. The Time Machine II Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 3

EPISODE 21

Airdate: July 1, 2015

Title: The Time Machine II (Season Finale)

Segway Segment: None

Special Guest Stars: None

SCENE 1

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky comes in with a selfie stick while RK is watching TV.)

SPARKY: What's going on, RK?

RK: Sup, Sparko? What in the world is that?

SPARKY: It's a selfie stick. I figure I might as well see what all the hype is about.

RK: That thing? Ah, dude, I wish you had saved your money. Only idiots would ever buy something like that.

(At that moment, Wade shows up with his own selfie stick.)

WADE: Afternoon, chums.

RK: Wait a minute, am I high right now? You have a selfie stick too?!

WADE: Yes. I figure I use this stick for important things like getting boxes off shelves or cleaning out the rain gutters.

RK: Ah, the universe is at peace.

(Buster shows up a few seconds later.)

BUSTER: Hello people.

RK: Buster.

WADE: What's up, man?

SPARKY: My brother.

BUSTER: My brother!

(Sparky and Buster hug and then bump fists.)

BUSTER: You two are looking good with your selfie sticks.

SPARKY: Thank you.

WADE: Actually, I will be using this as my special housework companion.

BUSTER: That too.

RK: Why is everyone in such a good mood today?

BUSTER: Dude, the year is almost over. In less than two weeks, summer vacation will finally be here.

WADE: Oh, I'm going to miss school.

SPARKY: Yeah, me too. Facebook is boring without school. After a week or two, you're just looking at a picture of your friend's breakfast and that's when you know...you have nothing going on.

RK: Well, our lives will never be like that because we always have something going on.

BUSTER: RK's right. It's been a great year.

SPARKY: Yeah. Like the time we went against Nickelodeon. I'm pretty sure someone died.

BUSTER: Ooh, and that time I found out Diana was a psycho...so I killed her.

WADE: Could we reminisce about something that's not completely dark?

SPARKY: Okay. Well, RK, remember your Billboard hit?

RK: Yeah, I remember. I also remember you drugging me and switching bodies with me.

SPARKY: Right, good times. Well, that field day we had was on the money.

WADE: You're telling me. I still don't get why nobody won that.

SPARKY: Yeah, who thought that was a good idea?

BUSTER: That was Jaylynn's idea. She said it would give us all a sense of pride and accomplishment.

SPARKY: Are you sure it was her?

RK: I don't think anybody really said that. It just happened.

WADE: That was a very unsatisfying conclusion.

RK: Yeah, total bait and switch. I mean, you can't expect someone to not get angry when you do that kind of thing, and then just shrug it off like it doesn't matter.

(RK nervously glares at the camera, and then back at the boys.)

BUSTER: At least we got to meet Metallica.

WADE: I don't like Robert Trujillo.

SPARKY: I don't think anybody likes Robert Trujillo.

RK: Why, what did Robert ever do to you?

WADE: He said the way I talk is weird. Actually, he said we all sound weird. Like, we don't talk the way regular kids do.

BUSTER: That's so rude. We talk like regular kids. Just yesterday, RK and I were shooting the breeze about our favorite sitcoms of all-time.

RK: And I respectfully stated that the 90s sitcoms like Roseanne and The Simpsons ushered in a new era of subversive, intelligent, relatable primetime comedy to counteract the more sheltered, family-friendly fare that comprised most of the 1980s.

SPARKY: See. Now does that sound like something an adult would say?

WADE: Hell no, it's just stupid kid shit.

SPARKY: Exactly.

(Sparky pretends to wipe his nose while glancing at the camera, and then back at the boys. Jaylynn walks in disappointed.)

JAYLYNN: My life is slowly coming to an end.

RK: Well, all the good memories are gone like that.

SPARKY: Why is your life coming to an end?

JAYLYNN: I had to stay after class today with our history teacher. She said my grades in that class have been so poor this year, my only chance of passing is if I do well on the final this Friday.

WADE: Oh my God. Jaylynn, that's awful.

JAYLYNN: You're telling me. I can't take history next year with a bunch of third grade kids.

BUSTER: Dude, when it comes to moving up grades, we don't...

JAYLYNN: Don't start analyzing what I just said, just know that I'm in big trouble.

SPARKY: You know, Jaylynn, if you need help studying, you can always come to us.

JAYLYNN: Thanks Sparky. But I think I'm flying solo here. History is the one class I don't do well in.

RK: How are you not doing well in social studies? You go there, learn about 500 years of white history then go home.

JAYLYNN: I don't like studying history, it's so boring. America's not all that great that I need to know so much about it.

RK: Touche.

WADE: Well, good luck on the test, Jaylynn. I know you're going to do well.

BUSTER: Just in case you don't, I have a T-shirt you can wear that will make everything better.

(Buster pulls out an oversized T-shirt that says "Drugs aren't cool. So don't do them, aight?")

JAYLYNN: How is that going to make everything better?

BUSTER: You're telling kids not to do drugs. That's some real shit right there.

(long pause)

RK: You know, I kinda like the message.

SPARKY: Yeah, that is some real shit.

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(RK has a bunch of clutter near his locker as he cleans it up. Wade walks up to the locker and scratches his head.)

WADE: Um, RK, I don't think they expect us to empty our lockers now.

RK: I'm not. I'm just getting rid of all this junk. See, a kid's locker is like a hotel room for a rock band. Sure, you can trash the place all you want, but if you don't clean up your beer bottles and your condoms and your ashtrays, they're coming after you.

WADE: You had me up until that last thing.

RK: Man, I never knew how much trash I had in here. Last week's science homework. Yeah, right. Hey, what's this?

(RK pulls out the Big Time Rush-styled cap that he wore in "The Time Machine")

WADE: Hey, I remember that cap.

RK: Yeah, it was from the time we had to save the world. Man, that was really fun.

WADE: Yeah. Dangerous and near-fatal, but fun.

RK: Didn't you destroy that time machine after I kept changing the past?

WADE: No, I just locked it away and never looked back. You know, it would be cool to do it again.

RK: Yeah, but for what? I mean, I don't want to travel back in time to find out how Eli Whitney made cotton gin.

WADE: Don't worry, we'll find something fun to do.

RK: Wait, so you really want to do it again?

WADE: Yeah, I mean, why not? It would be like, a one-year anniversary.

JAYLYNN: Guys, I'm in a little trouble. I was studying for the test and I can't remember who the president was during the Louisiana Purchase thing.

RK: Thomas Jefferson.

JAYLYNN: Yes. Thanks RK. I can't take this test. I feel like if do, I'll spill a whole puddle of sweat on the paper. (Jaylynn walks away while talking to herself) Okay, American Revolution. Keyword is the guy on the dollar bill...

WADE: You know, Jaylynn's really starting to worry me. I don't want her to self-destruct on that test.

RK: Ah, come on, what's the worst that could happen? She fails the test, she doesn't pass history, she gets left behind a year from now, ends up never getting a good job, becomes a photographer and takes in a ward of the state. Not really a bad place to end up.

WADE: Yeah, but there's more to life for her than just becoming a sitcom. I wish I knew how I could help.

RK: Well, you could start by giving me some spare change.

(Wade angrily stares at RK.)

RK: What? I thought I brought enough, but I didn't! Do you know how humiliating that is?!

SCENE 3

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade whistles "The Symphony" by Marley Marl as he walks down the steps. RK comes in at that moment.)

WADE: You know, I really need to start locking the door.

RK: Why? Do you hate me?

WADE: No, it's just you never know what you'll walk into. I might be fiddling with my shrinky dink.

RK: Okay, I didn't need to walk into that. But I'm here because I know how we can help Jaylynn.

WADE: Does it involve killing somebody or getting somebody drunk or choking somebody?

RK: No, that was a pretty crappy third plan. But my fourth plan is surefire. We should take Jaylynn back in time to help her pass the test.

WADE: Wait, what? I'm not following.

RK: Look, Jaylynn's clearly not learning much from just everyday studying. If we actually take her to these historical events, she might learn even more and get a great grade.

WADE: But I don't want anyone finding out about my time machine! The ramifications of what could happen are endless! Why do you think Alex Mack's parents never found out she was hit by GC-161? It just kills the dynamic!

RK: What the hell are you talking about? They did find out. They were captured and she told them.

WADE: You're missing the point.

RK: Jaylynn doesn't need to know that's she traveling through time. We can just act like it's a dream or something.

WADE: I don't know.

RK: Well, we can always keep an open mind about...

WADE: We're not shooting Jaylynn so she can keep her mouth shut about the time machine.

RK: You don't know everything. But hey, you said if we found a purpose for the machine, we could use it. Well, it's time to dust off that Big Time Rush cap because we're doing this.

WADE: You are not about to tell me the exact events of what may or may not happen with this situation.

RK: So we're going to help Jaylynn pass the test using the time machine?

WADE: You're damn right we are.

SCENE 4

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(Wade goes up on his shelf and grabs the key for the time machine under the derby hat of Milton the turtle. He puts it through the lock and it opens up the time machine. RK looks in awe at the sight of the time machine.)

RK: Daaaaaaaaamn.

WADE: Yup. Feels like we never even stepped inside this thing.

(Wade walks towards the machine and RK follows him.)

WADE: I just realized we have a big problem.

RK: Is this about your stupid whisker? Dude, I keep telling you to shave it.

WADE: It's not that! Besides, I already bought the straight edge. I'm saying that if Jaylynn thinks this is a dream, how are we supposed to bring her here?

RK: Easy. I'll just put her to sleep.

WADE: How?

RK: By giving her the Go to Sleep.

WADE: The well's drying up with you. I don't like that. Wait a minute. You could wake her up and make her think she's dreaming.

RK: So like sleepwalking?

WADE: Kinda.

RK: You know, sleepwalking is so cliche. I've never even done it. I don't even know anybody that's done it.

WADE: I did. Once.

RK: Really?

WADE: Yeah, it was awful. I woke up in my underwear with lipstick all over my face and a fake jheri curl on my head.

RK: What?

WADE: Yeah, I think the lipstick had a flavor. Which is weird because I never thought girls would want to wear something they can eat.

SCENE 5

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

20 MINUTES LATER

(Wade is on his computer when RK comes in with a knocked out Jaylynn. He simply tosses Jaylynn on the bed.)

WADE: Dude, what the hell?! I thought I told you to make Jaylynn think she's dreaming.

RK: That's what I did, but then she kept asking me a bunch of questions. I had to shut her up.

(Wade angrily stares at RK.)

RK: Hey, she's here now and your secret is safe. Just be glad no one saw me.

Meanwhile, at Sparky's house...

(on the phone) SPARKY: I'm telling you, Buster, it was so weird. I saw RK grab Jaylynn after she fell down through my bedroom window. He pulled over and there she was on his shoulders.

BUSTER: Maybe RK's taken Jaylynn to be a part of a million-dollar government experimentation. It's all the rage these days.

SPARKY: No, that's just weird. RK's not a sellout. But I think I should go over there to his house and see what's going on.

BUSTER: Sparky, it's mean to spy on people.

SPARKY: We're not spying. We're trying to see what's going on with our friends.

BUSTER: What do you mean, we? I'm not going to support your addiction to prying!

SPARKY: Just one time, man, just one time.

BUSTER: Okay. And then I can go back to dreaming about the ice cream man selling muffins?

SPARKY: Whatever you want, man.

BUSTER: Alright, fine. Seriously, you should have been in my dream. It was like...so wacky.

SCENE 6

The Saltalamacchia Household

Interior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

WADE: Alright, I found out that the final on Friday is based on the year's entire curriculum so it's best to go to as many historical spots as we can.

RK: Hey, maybe we should go see some modern history. Like, how Lady Gaga made people more sexually OPEN.

(Wade gives RK a blank stare.)

RK: Sexually OPEN.

(Wade's blank stare does not change.)

WADE: That was an absolutely awful joke.

RK: I know.

JAYLYNN: Oh man. I feel like someone rammed a truck into my forehead. Did you hit me?

RK: Dude, don't say it like that. I had to, or else you never would have come here. The truth is, Jaylynn, right now, you're dreaming.

JAYLYNN: Dreaming? So, I can kick your ass until you're a bloody mess on the carpet?

RK: You're dreaming with consequences, don't push your luck.

JAYLYNN: If I'm dreaming, then what the hell am I doing here?

WADE: RK and I are going to take you on a trip through time to help you pass your history test.

JAYLYNN: You mean, like that Family Guy episode?

RK: IT'S NOT THE SAME THING!

JAYLYNN: Okayyy, so we're going to be using that time machine that you built just for me?

WADE: Yup. Sure thing.

JAYLYNN: Are you lying to me?

WADE: No.

JAYLYNN: Then how come you're not looking me in the eyes?

WADE: Because...your eyes are so unbelievably beautiful, upon looking at them, I'll combust spontaneously.

JAYLYNN: But you've looked me in the eyes before.

RK: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST GET IN THE MOTHERF***ING TIME MACHINE?!

JAYLYNN: Hey, don't get reckless, or else I'm going to take the consequences. But hey, why not get inside? Anything to help me pass.

WADE: Alright, guys, let's get into it.

(Wade, RK, and Jaylynn walk into the time machine, and Wade closes the door behind him.)

JAYLYNN: Wow, this machine is awesomesauce.

RK: Guess we're two-for-two on the catchphrase meter.

WADE: So Jaylynn, after reviewing my history notebook, I compiled a list of various places we should go to if you want a passing grade.

RK: See, Jaylynn, we go to places, you learn from places, and you do well on test because of places you go to.

JAYLYNN: I get it, you jackass. I'm just not sure where we're going at all.

WADE: Don't worry. I have the list.

RK: I put on a nice sweater for our travels. Don't I look sexy?

WADE: Yes, RK, you look very dapper.

JAYLYNN: You're a regular Chris Pratt.

RK: Oh, stop it.

WADE: Alright, here we go. Bocka bocka bocka!

RK: What the f*** did you just say?

WADE: It's my new time machine catchphrase.

JAYLYNN: No.

WADE: Okay.

(Wade pulls down the lever and the three are engulfed in a purple orb which makes them disappear.)

SCENE 7

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky and Buster are confronting KG, who is wearing Harvey Beaks footie pajamas.)

KG: I told you guys nine times, RK's not here!

SPARKY: We haven't even said anything yet.

KG: Oh, sorry, I'm still coming up from something. What are you two here for?

SPARKY: We saw...

BUSTER: YOU SAW!

SPARKY: Right, I saw RK carry Jaylynn through my bedroom window and she looked unconscious. I want to know where he took her.

KG: Well, not here. And I would know because he told me he's not going to be here.

BUSTER: Where is he?

KG: Traveling through time with Wade and Jaylynn so Jaylynn can pass her test. Shit, he told me not to say that! I mean...RK's trying to be a stripper! No, he went to a rally protesting against rape culture! No, he...HE LOST HIS BANANA PUDDING!

SPARKY: Did you just say he's traveling through time?

BUSTER: With Wade and Jaylynn?

SPARKY: Come on, KG, you can come up with a better lie than that.

KG: Yeah, of course, why would I make up a lie like that? I have nothing better to do but stand here and swallow my own spit. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going back to my dream about Cara Delevingne. If I just pretend that she's straight, it won't be so humiliating when I wake up and realize it was a dirty lie.

(KG goes back upstairs, leaving Sparky and Buster to themselves.)

BUSTER: He has a point. Why would he lie about something like that?

SPARKY: He sounded sarcastic. But it just sounds so wrong. RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are going back in time without us?

BUSTER: Wade has a time machine?! We have to go check it out!

SPARKY: I bet he doesn't have one.

BUSTER: I bet all my magazines he does. And I don't have a lot of magazines, so I ain't betting much.

SCENE 8

OCTOBER 7, 1777 - STILLWATER, SARATOGA COUNTY, NEW YORK

(RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are overlooking the battle between the U.S. and British armies during the Revolutionary War while on top of a hill.)

JAYLYNN: Where are we?!

WADE: WHAT?!

JAYLYNN: I SAID, WHERE ARE WE?!

WADE: WHAT?!

RK: WHERE ARE WE, YOU SON OF A BITCH?!

WADE: YOU KNOW WHERE WE ARE!

RK: OH YEAH. YOU SEE, JAYLYNN, WE'RE HERE IN SARATOGA WATCHING THE BATTLE OF SARATOGA! IT WAS A MAJOR TURNING POINT...

JAYLYNN: WHAT?! WE'RE WITH THE AYATOLLAH OF ROCK AND ROLL-AH?!

(RK gives Jaylynn a blank stare.)

JAYLYNN: Sorry. Go on?

RK: Well, we're here at Saratoga. It was a major turning point because France became a strong American ally.

WADE: Yes, the British surrendered ten days after today.

JAYLYNN: Can we go get some pancakes?

WADE: Dude...

JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, I can't focus right now.

RK: Can we go someplace where no one's shooting anybody?

WADE: Yeah, sure.

(Wade presses the button on his time pad and the three disappear from the scene.)

SCENE 9

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky pulls up at Wade's house and he and Buster run into the house.)

SPARKY: The whole place is dark.

BUSTER: Holy shit. Everything is pitch black, man. No light. Dark. Black of night. Evening time. Burning, intense, inescapable darkness that rots inside the pit of your soul and...

SPARKY: Dude, just turn on the light.

(Buster turns on the living room light switch.)

BUSTER: You're no fun. Let's just go to Wade's room and see what we find.

(Sparky and Buster are next seen opening Wade's door slowly.)

SPARKY: Wade? You in here?

BUSTER: I really hope he's not dead. If he is, that means I have to get new friends and I just can't deal with that.

SPARKY: Um...okay?

(Sparky turns on the light to Wade's room and sees the time machine.)

SPARKY: Sweet mishuganah. Buster, check this out.

BUSTER: It better not be sexual.

(Buster looks at the time machine as well, becoming frozen.)

BUSTER: This is way better.

SCENE 10

APRIL 15, 1865 - WASHINGTON, D.C.

(RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are transported to the front of Ford's Theater.)

WADE: Alright, Jaylynn. This is the exact time and place where President Lincoln was assassinated, right around the post-Civil War era.

JAYLYNN: So, you think Lincoln's assassination date will be on the test?

WADE: Yes, along with his killer, John Wilkes Booth.

RK: Hey, where's old Johnboy anyway?

WADE: Well, he's in the theater. You see, because Booth was in the theater so many times as a performer, it allowed him to gain access to pretty much every inch of the place.

JAYLYNN: Cool.

(The people from the theater start walking out frantically, not knowing what to do after Lincoln's shooting. RK and Jaylynn end up getting trampled by the former audience members, but Wade steps out of the way to avoid the rush.)

WADE: Guys, get on the pad, we have more history to see.

RK: DON'T YOU SEE THAT WE'RE INJURED?!

WADE: Alright, don't get your nickers in a bunch.

(Wade drags RK and Jaylynn onto the pad, and the purple orb engulfs them again. At that moment, John Wilkes Booth is seen running away from the theater with his gun, but trips and ends up dropping it. Some unknown men grab Booth by his hair and start dragging him away as he screams "FREEDOM!" repeatedly.)

SCENE 11

The Saltalamacchia Household

Exterior Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Buster, I don't know what to do. I'm so mad right now but I don't want to touch anything.

BUSTER: We could order pizza.

SPARKY: No, I don't think they deliver this late. We have to find a way to get to the guys. I just wish I knew where they were.

BUSTER: Hey, look, an instruction manual!

SPARKY: That's a weird thing to point out.

BUSTER: No, it's right next to the time machine. It probably has all the information we need.

(Buster grabs the book, entitled Your Time Machine and You by Wade himself. Wade is shown smiling on the cover while taking a bubble bath.)

SPARKY: What's it say about tracking someone down who's already traveling through time?

BUSTER: Alright, it's right here on page 23: "When you want to locate a fellow time traveler using the machine, a ticker will be prominently shown inside it that tells you where the current traveler is located."

SPARKY: Alright, let's get this baby open.

BUSTER: Slow your role, cupcake. I have a method for prying doors open. I even had a seminar about it. It was called "Buster's Seminar."

SPARKY: That title is so inspirational.

BUSTER: Thank you. Now, check this out. (Buster measures the door, then starts pulling on it while straining himself. Sparky taps Buster, pushes open the handle and walks inside. Buster, now embarrassed, looks down at the floor in shame and walks inside.)

SPARKY: Well, here's the ticker. And according to this, they are currently traveling with Lewis and Clark on their trip westwards.

BUSTER: Alright, then let's punch in the dials and juice it up. Oh man, now I want fruit punch.

SPARKY: Wait a minute. Now they're in the WWI period, at the Seneca convention. They're traveling to one place every six seconds or something!

BUSTER: How are we ever going to catch up to them?

SPARKY: I don't know, but I hope Jaylynn's studying hard.

SCENE 12

("You Must Learn" by Boogie Down Productions playing in the background)

(RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are going through a montage of various historical events. They are in the crowd for Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, and RK tries to take a picture but Wade tackles him, attracting the attention of the others. In another scene, the two stow away on a Japanese plane during the WWII period, knocking out the pilot and throwing him into a tree. Jaylynn takes a picture of RK and Wade flying through the sky, and in the sky, they create the phrase "War's for Nerds." In another bit, the three are animated in the style of Schoolhouse Rock! as political cartoons. They see President Jimmy Carter crying after reading a newspaper about the Iran hostage crisis, and Jaylynn pats Carter on the back while RK hands him a tissue. Then, under a white backdrop, Wade points to a whiteboard that says "A Journey Into History" in red marker. Jaylynn continues writing in her notebook while RK is fast asleep at his desk. The trio is last seen at the National Mall on January 20, 2001, the day of George W. Bush's first inauguration.)

RK: Wade, couldn't you have told us to pack some coats before we went to these places? It's freezing.

WADE: I know, my mistake. But hey, at least you have those sweet gloves.

RK: These aren't even mine. I stole them off a drug addict who passed out. I feel a weird sense of disgust and accomplishment at the same time.

JAYLYNN: Guys, thank you so much for this dream trip. This was so fun, and now I feel like I've actually learned something. I'm going to kick ass on that test!

WADE: I'm glad you're feeling it, Jaylynn. Well, gang, time to go home.

(Wade opens up the time pad and sets the coordinates for his room on the time remote, but a small spark shows up on the pad and nothing else.)

WADE: Wait a minute. That's odd. It's supposed to bring us back home, why would it...

(The purple orb engulfs the trio and the next place they end up is in 1965, inside a restaurant where people are watching news coverage of the Watts riots.)

RK: Okay, what the hell is going on?

WADE: The machine must be malfunctioning or something. We just got transported to a completely random place, as in Watts-era America.

JAYLYNN: I don't think this is going to be on the test.

WADE: I know, but I didn't do it. This has to be a case of...

(The three are then transported again, this time to a row of empty seats at Yankee Stadium's upper deck during Game 6 of the 1977 World Series.)

RK: Why do I feel like it's okay to say the n-word on TV?

WADE: Because it's 1977. Game 6 of the World Series at the old Yankee Stadium!

JAYLYNN: Hey, look, a foul ball. That we can't get since we're up here.

RK: Wade, I wish you had told me that we were going to be randomly zapped from place to place.

WADE: RK, it's not me doing this. It has to be a problem with the machine. Let me just turn off the "Shuffle" function on the pad and...let's leave, too many witnesses.

RK: Can we do that after Reggie Jackson hits his last home run?

WADE: Alright.

(At that point, Jackson gets the first pitch from Dodgers pitcher Charlie Hough and hits it into deep centerfield, getting his third home run of the game.)

WADE: Okay, he hit it, let's go.

(Outside the stadium, Wade tries getting the pad up and running so the kids can go home, but nothing happens.)

RK: I can't believe this.

JAYLYNN: We can't be stuck here, we have to get back to the present!

WADE: This is probably something temporary.

(The three are once again randomly transported, this time into purgatory.)

RK: Call it a hunch, but I don't think this is temporary.

JAYLYNN: WADE, DO SOMETHING!

WADE: I CAN'T, I'M JUST A CHILD! There has to be some outside force tampering with this machine.

(At that point, Sparky and Buster are shown at Yankee Stadium in 1977.)

SPARKY: This is stupid. I thought the guys would be here.

BUSTER: You told me we were going to McDonald's. What am I supposed to do with my 15 cents?

SPARKY: Get a dime.

Back in purgatory...

RK: Wade, are you sure this isn't something that can be fixed in less than 22 minutes?

WADE: I don't think so, man. If I don't figure out what's going on here soon, there's a chance that we may never get home.

("Big Time Theme Song" plays in the background as RK, Wade, and Jaylynn stare at each other.)

SCENE 13

(Wade paces around in purgatory while RK and Jaylynn sit down, forlorn.)

RK: I'm thinking about writing my memoirs of my shitty life. How's this for a title? Gone Too Soon: Time Machine Hero.

JAYLYNN: If we're stuck here, then how are you going to get your memoir published?

RK: I don't know, I'll find a way. James Patterson had to prove to his family that it wasn't just them who thought he had talent.

WADE: I can't believe this is happening to us. All I wanted was to take you on a trip to help you pass your test, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: It's okay, Wade. All I need to do is wake up. (Jaylynn slaps herself, but nothing happens.) I'll try later.

(whispering to Wade) RK: Yo, she does realize we tricked her, right?

WADE: I think she's just screwing around. If I could just find a way to trace the time machine's malfunction back to my room...

(At that point, Sparky and Buster wind up in purgatory, shocking the others.)

BUSTER: Sparky, this is not a Bobby Brown video, we have to find the guys!

SPARKY: The guys are right behind us!

BUSTER: Oh. Cool.

WADE: YOU.

SPARKY: Us.

WADE: YOU.

BUSTER: Me Buster, him Sparky. We do time travel stuff.

WADE: YOU.

RK: Well, it looks like Cory and Shawn decided to drop in.

BUSTER: Which one of us is which?

SPARKY: We've been looking for you guys for ages. How come you're traveling through time without us?

WADE: How come you stowaways are tampering with my machine?

RK: How come we're all pissed off and I'm not? Well, how about them apples?

SPARKY: You took Jaylynn to a trip to help her pass history without us?

WADE: There's a reason I didn't want you two finding out.

RK: Yeah, SpongeBob and Patrick, I'm pretty sure Wade had a good reason for keeping this from you.

BUSTER: Okay, now I have an idea of which is which.

WADE: I didn't want you guys knowing you could travel through time and overloading the battery and changing stuff. You were never supposed to find out.

SPARKY: You mean, like how Alex Mack's parents never...

(in an annoyed tone) RK: We discussed that already, they found out.

WADE: Well, this is a strange pickle.

BUSTER: You bet your ass we're in a pickle. And if we don't do something fast, we're going to be dipped in a spicy bucket of honey mustard.

(Everybody stares at Buster confused.)

BUSTER: Can we please go home?

RK: NO! As long as we're all here together, let's do some time traveling together.

JAYLYNN: The phrase "time travel" makes me sick right now.

WADE: Let's just see if Sparky and Buster's presence gets the machine back in order.

(Wade motions for all the kids to get on the time pad, and they are transported back to Wade's room.)

WADE: Of course, I figured it out. If there are multiple groups of travelers at the same time, the machine will be negatively affected. I should probably work these bugs out.

RK: Wade, don't you think you should have given this thing a test drive before taking us all around Timbuktu?

WADE: It was a tiny oversight.

RK: It was a TREMENDOUS oversight.

WADE: Well, it's not like I anticipated Frankie and Annette hijacking my machine!

BUSTER: Okay, I'm not even going to ask about that one.

SPARKY: I would actually enjoy traveling through time again.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, let's go someplace completely random and exciting.

WADE: I have an idea of where we could go.

(The kids get into the machine and Wade fires it up. The five end up being transported into the living room of the Matthews brownstone apartment from Girl Meets World.)

RK: Please tell me this is a terrible nightmare.

SPARKY: Nope. We're actually here.

(An instrumental version of the theme song for Girl Meets World plays briefly as the camera pulls back to reveal the Matthews family and Maya staring at the kids. Testicular Sound Express looks scared and starts screaming.)

RK: PUNCH IT, MAN, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS MEETING!

BUSTER: SPHINGO!

(Wade fires up the time pad and the five kids disappear from the scene. Cory and Riley stare at each other, then at the camera, then go back to eating without saying anything. The kids then get transported to Sparky's front yard.)

JAYLYNN: Oh great, we're home.

RK: How can we be? It's in the daytime.

BUSTER: I'm getting real tired of this chicken shit.

WADE: Guys, believe it or not, we are in a parallel universe right now.

RK: Oh yeah, that's rich. Next thing you're going to tell us is that unicorns exist and that people still watch Degrassi.

WADE: You still watch Degrassi, you know.

RK: That's besides the point.

SPARKY: Wade, don't you think the idea of a parallel universe is a little farfetched?

(Sparky opens the door and sees another Sparky on his couch, much to his shock.)

SPARKY: Whoa, sorry.

SPARKY #2: Who are you? And why are you in my home?

SPARKY: I'm you from another dimension.

SPARKY #2: But that's not safe! Here's a lint roller. It helps get rid of all that icky time travel residue.

SPARKY: Um...okay? So, you're aware of this stuff, Sparky 2?

SPARKY #2: My name is not Sparky, you silly goose. It's Skippy. Skippy Medlen.

SPARKY: Sparky MacDougal.

BUSTER: Wade, did you slip some LSD in that lemonade you gave us?

WADE: Of course not. You see, with this particular universe, everyone has exaggerated personalities.

RK: So Sparky is like, super lame in this universe?

WADE: Pretty much, yeah. Everybody here is annoying and unlikable as hell.

SPARKY: So, Skippy, do you like the WWE?

SKIPPY: Pro wrestling? That's not safe! And it's fake. Why, what kind of brute would enjoy that kind of thing?

SPARKY: Me, for one.

SKIPPY: Well, Sparky, maybe you should check your priorities. Wrestling is not beneficial to a child's development.

SPARKY: You sound like a PediaSure commercial.

BITCH CLOCK #2: EVERY MOTHERF***ER IN THIS HOUSE GET OUT, I'M SIMULATING ASPHYXIATION!

SKIPPY: That's my sasspot alarm clock, Danger Alarm. Ah, so sharp-tongued and anthropomorphic at once.

SPARKY: We should...probably be going. We have other things to see.

SKIPPY: Well, I could show you my other friends. They're such characters.

RK: Wade, whatever you do, please do not send us back home until we see me. I'm going to have a field day with this one.

SCENE 14

The Nash Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster's counterpart hears the doorbell ring five times, then pulls down his pants, pulls them back up, and answers the door.)

BUSTER: Excuse me, why didn't you answer the door the first time?

BUSTER #2: Nobody asked me.

BUSTER: But you...what?

SKIPPY: Everybody, this is my right-hand man, Brandon Nash. We go way back.

BRANDON: Yeah, ever since the day we met. Hey, Skippy, look what I drew today. (Brandon shows a picture of blood splattering) It's supposed to be blood, because I bleeded today so now I have an owie.

SKIPPY: But Brandon, that's not safe!

BRANDON: I know, but as long as I have you around to acknowledge my stupidity, I can be as stupid as I want without consequences! Wait a minute. I mean, bubbles! I'm going to go fix up the refrigerator. It's been leaking.

RK: Shouldn't you call a repairman because you're special needs?

BRANDON: What's shouldn't, repairman, or special needs?

SKIPPY: Don't confuse Brandon.

RK: He's a kid, everything is supposed to confuse him!

(Brandon takes a sledgehammer and starts pounding the refrigerator, to the point where it is in worse shape than before.)

BRANDON: Good as new.

(Brandon then strikes a match and lights his curtain on fire.)

BUSTER: Skippy, your friend is a complete dumbass, why do you let him do this stuff?

SKIPPY: I don't know. He depresses me and makes me think about suicide, but other than that, he's a joy.

(RK's counterpart walks in, looks at RK and stabs him in the chest.)

RK: DUDE, WHAT THE F*** IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

RK #2: First rule of being a human being: Expect the unexpected.

JAYLYNN: Excuse me, but who the hell said you could do that to my friend?

RK #2: Who the hell said you could look that good in jeans?

JAYLYNN: I'm lesbian.

RK #2: Here's ten bucks, get naked and take off all your clothes.

BUSTER: Isn't that...isn't that the exact same thing?

SPARKY: Who are you?

RK #2: I'm Ryder Daniels Joseph. But you can call me RD.

(RD takes a cigarette and blows smoke into Sparky's face, making him cough.)

SKIPPY: RD is the lovable rebel. He does whatever he wants and you still like him.

RD: Yeah, I'm pretty chilly chill on the Frosty tip. Hey, did you guys ever see that episode of The Hogan Family where they did stuff?

RK: Let me guess. You enjoy references?

RD: Hey, do you remember that episode of Clarissa Explains It All where Clarissa explained things?

RK: No, you don't get it. You have to give your references weight and proper context, otherwise they just hang there.

RD: My grandfather raped me when I was five, and molested me while raping me a year later. I think I got an STD.

RK: What the f*** is wrong with you?

RD: Well, at least I'm not a hoity toity, photo assistant KISS JUDY'S TUSHY!

RK: Can we please go? I have the worst migraine right now.

BRANDON: I HAVE TYLENOL UP MY POOPY HOLE!

SKIPPY: BUT THAT'S NOT SAFE! I'LL SAVE YOUR ANUS!

(RD pulls out a gun and shoots RK in the head for no reason, then tries lifting up Jaylynn's shirt but gets slapped in the face.)

RD: Can you do that again but lower?

SCENE 15

The Smith Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Wade's counterpart is wearing glasses while watching TV. He hears the doorbell ring and gets it.)

WADE #2: Oh, look, fellow scholars.

RK: Eh?

WADE #2: Yes, come in.

SKIPPY: This is Wanya Smith. He's an intellectual.

SPARKY: It's creepy how you keep talking like that.

WANYA: It's true. I believe Obama is killing our nation.

SKIPPY: And he's political.

WADE: Exactly how is Obama killing our nation?

WANYA: By being alive. You see, as long as Obama is in office, our people will never be free. I always ask myself, "What would Malcolm X or Marcus Garvey do?" And I tend to come out on top most times once I ask that question.

BUSTER: Wade, your new friend is creeping me out.

WADE: He's not my friend, he's a pretentious idiot. I know these types.

WANYA: Shut up, sellout. You think the almighty dollar is a cover for morality. Go back to your uncivilized culture while my brothers achieve, you freak.

WADE: Do you know what morality means?

WANYA: Morality is a thing you can't ask me to explain right now.

WADE: Okay, let's go home.

JAYLYNN: Not yet! I want to see the second Jaylynn.

(Cut to everyone at the house of Jaylynn's counterpart. She has a green mohawk and a nose piercing.)

JAYLYNN #2: YEAH, KURT COBAIN, FREE THE CHILDREN, REVOLUTION, SELF-EXPRESSION!

JAYLYNN: Okay, I'm already sick, let's go.

SKIPPY: You're traveling through time again? That's not safe!

(Sparky punches Skippy in the face, and Jaylynn #2 ignores it when she starts dancing around the living room. The kids get on the time pad and disappear, then arrive back in Wade's room.)

BUSTER: Should we talk about this?

SPARKY: Probably not.

SCENE 16

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

(The kids at school are starting to leave, but the main five remain near RK's locker.)

WADE: RK, isn't that your science project essay from a few months back?

RK: Wade, this is the janitor's essay now. We have to learn to share what we have.

SPARKY: So Jay, how did you do on your test? You never told us.

JAYLYNN: I got an 86.

SPARKY, BUSTER, RK, AND WADE: Alright!

JAYLYNN: It was the third-highest grade in the class, which means I pass for the year and I owe it all to you two.

(Jaylynn hugs RK and Wade, who are confused at first but exchange smiles.)

JAYLYNN: I really have the best friends in the world.

BUSTER: I can't believe the year's over. Just yesterday, I was telling teachers I accidentally ripped up my schedule and today, I'm a fifth grader.

SPARKY: Still fourth grade.

BUSTER: COME ON, THIS IS LIKE THE FOURTH F***ING TIME!

RK: I wonder what we're going to be doing this summer.

WADE: I have no idea, but whatever it is, we better pull out all the stops and give it everything we've got.

RK: Was that a reference to something?

WADE: What? No. Why would you think that?

RK: It just sounded kinda corny.

SPARKY: We're going to be doing something big this summer, but until then, let's just go home.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I want to give this place the finger one last time.

RK: I'm not done clearing out the junk.

WADE: We'll wait for you outside in the whip.

RK: Aight, bruh.

(RK puts his last book in his backpack, looks inside the locker and realizes it is empty. He shuts the locker, takes off the combination lock and locks it, then puts it in his bag. He looks around the school which is almost empty and puts his pack on his shoulders after zipping it up. He walks towards the door, looks behind him one last time, nods his head, and leaves the building. The last shot is of an empty hallway as it fades to black.)

("One Mic" by Nas playing in the background)

©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

SEE YOU ON SEPTEMBER 27