Author's Notes (12/13/14): Welcome! For the unfamiliar, The Amazing Race is a reality TV competition where teams travel the world to win a grand prize. In this series, the locations and tasks are inspired by the Mario franchise, and the contestants are minor characters from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, a 2004 title for the Nintendo GameCube. You don't need to be super familiar with The Amazing Race, PM:TTYD, Mario games in general, or the three previous races to enjoy this story (beware significant spoilers, though).
IMPORTANT EDIT (4/27/16): To anyone who's looked forward to me continuing this series, I can't offer enough apologies. It's been fun, but my passion for the Mario fandom has been declining for some time now. I've always been a slow writer, and with so many other endeavors I'd like to pursue, this is one for which I can no longer devote the proper time and attention. Worry not, however. I can guarantee this won't go unfinished. On a rolling basis, I'll post everything I currently have written in its unbetaed, unedited glory. Past that, outlines of the remaining chapters will detail the outcome; you'll basically get the action without the dialogue and description. It's the least I can do, right?
Please enjoy!
The Amazing Race 4: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition
EPISODE 1.1: A Dream Come True
Super Mario Bros. 2 / Mario Kart 7
Season 4 opened by panning across a gloomy town of brick buildings backlit by an oppressive full moon and dreary purple skies. Midnight black Crows alighted on gnarled tree branches as ragdoll-like humans, faces obscured in shadow, trudged across dirt roads. Inappropriately exuberant music contrasted this melancholy imagery as brassy trumpet lines and edgy violin runs soared above clashing cymbals and pounding timpanis.
A first-person shot, like something from a shaky camera horror movie, followed someone running through the eastern woods. The camcorder's operator abruptly stopped and panned the surroundings.
"This is Twilight Trail. The moon never sets and the sun never rises in this region of perpetual twilight."
The camera snapped around, revealing an orange Yoshi wearing an impish grin. Lower third text appeared onscreen, identifying his name.
MILES: Co-Host
"Creepy, isn't it?"
Suddenly the scene shot past his head, sped through a dark void, and arrived before a stone building reminiscent of a Gothic cathedral. A stoic-faced red Yoshi walked through the wrought iron gates.
BLAISE: Co-Host
"And this," he said, motioning to the property behind him, "is the Creepy Steeple. Formerly Doopliss' stronghold and the Ruby Star's resting place, it serves us today as the starting line of The Amazing Race."
Another scene change followed an airborne carriage of ebony wood. It landed smoothly in a clearing and opened its doors. The Creepy Steeple's spire was a distant beacon above the sea of conifers.
Miles narrated by voiceover, "The teams are…"
"Dour and Darkly. Grandfather and grandson, from Twilight Town and Rogueport."
Two Twilighters disembarked, the younger assisting the elder, and walked briskly to a designated trail. Dour, distinguished by his bushy eyebrows and mustache, shuffled stoopingly with a black walking cane. He wore a dull red vest over a purple long-sleeved shirt and black pants. Darkly had a red zipper hoodie over a gray long-sleeve and dark khakis. Carmine red Race-issue bandanas were tied around their wrists.
Footage played of Dour speaking at a press conference.
"I've served as Twilight Town's mayor for over half my life," Dour said in a pre-show interview.
Various scenes showed him signing documents, presiding over meetings, and making public appearances.
"My career has been a challenging road, and now retirement shines at the tunnel's end. I couldn't picture a better way to close this chapter of my life than going on an adventure to reconnect with my grandson."
Darkly stood in a dark alley, glowing yellow eyes piercing through the darkness.
"I like dim places. Not much to say."
Joint clips involved teatime and a reading session inside Dour's dim house.
"Yeah. I don't think we're going to win," Darkly said. The camera zoomed out, as if doing a double take.
"We're…approaching the Race with a realistic mindset," Dour said diplomatically, "and the philosophy that we're never safe. Pragmatism and vigilance are our tools to get by…and hopefully win."
"Dupree and Goom Goom. Bachelors and flatmates, from Mushroom City."
A blue Doogan and a Goomba paraded out. Disco disaster Dupree had a curly pink-purple afro, a shiny white jacket with sleeve tassels and matching pants and shoes, vintage gold-framed triangular shades, and a neon green belt with a star-shaped buckle. Goom Goom rocked a white-trimmed green beanie. Both wore lime green ascots.
A split-screen showed Dupree wielding a compact camera and Goom Goom operating a warehouse forklift.
"I was doing a docker gig on Keehaul Key when I met D-Man."
"Let me say I was not also zee dock worker," Dupree clarified in his French accent. "Blech."
"We were in the same boat. We ditched that forsaken island pretty quick for one main reason."
"No women," they said in unison.
Awkward music played as they hit a club's dance floor. Dupree butchered his off-rhythm disco moves. Goom Goom's attempted breakdancing took out Dupree's feet, and they crashed into an undignified heap. The other clubgoers stared.
"We are so delightfully charmeeng!" Dupree exclaimed. "Our corneas shoot passionate lazers of love zat woo les filles to swoon at our toenails!"
"What shoots what now?"
A mournful montage followed of them swaddling in blankets on a couch, gorging on ice cream and pizza, and bawling over romantic movies.
"When we cash in, all the ladies will flock to us." Goom Goom wiggled his eyebrows. "Maybe some cute foreign babes'll even follow us back home!"
"Our plan is magnifique, no?" Dupree turned and motioned for a high-five. Goom Goom stared. Dupree remembered Goombas didn't have arms and awkwardly lowered his hand.
"Eve and Podley. Once dating actors, from Twilight Town and Rogueport."
A female Twilighter was helped down by a male Bean. Eve's ensemble was a purple jacket over a lilac shirt and dark violet pants. Her curly ponytail spilled out the back of her lavender bandana bonnet. Podley wore circular-lens glasses, a purple vest jacket over a white long-sleeve, and dark green pants. His bandana hung from his belt like a bartending towel.
Muffled, dated footage played of the couple as young adults—singing, dancing, and reciting lines.
"Once upon a time, Eve and I were romantically involved," Podley said.
"We shared the dream of becoming stars of the musical stage," Eve explained.
A playbill graphic with her stage name, "Purehearted Eve," featured an iconic musical scene.
"I landed a leading role on Broadshroom for Phanto of the Opera, but…" Eve paused uncomfortably. "Podley left me right after."
"…I honestly feared I would only dim her bright future."
"Success meant nothing without you, you know. When I lost you, I… I lost my drive to pursue that dream as well."
"Believe me, that was never my intent, I…" Podley trailed off and sighed.
Present-day clips showed Podley mixing drinks and polishing glasses at his bar, Podley's Place.
"Our relationship ended so abruptly," Podley said. "Recently, Eve tried making contact. I finally reciprocated and suggested we do this together. We're hoping this adventure will offer us some closure."
Eve, her husband, and their three sons went grocery shopping and picnicking together.
"There truly is no business like show business," Eve said. "Musical theater is a competitive field that pushes your physical, mental, and emotional limits. It's been years since we've been onstage, but I know our younger selves are in here somewhere."
"Flo and Maude. Stay-at-home moms, from Twilight Town."
Two Crows hopped out and scurried to the trail. Both wore violet wing warmers that matched their pinup-style bandanas. Polished silver charms reading "Falconet" and "Merlin" adorned their respective necks.
A split-screen of different nests showed Flo and Maude getting their chicks ready for school.
"I'm the chapter VP of Crow Moms International, a network for stay-at-home Crows," Flo said.
"She and all the other amazing members welcomed me with open wings when I was settling in," Maude said.
"We've become inseparable friends since! We're nicknamed 'Wilma and Betty' because we're always together."
They flew with their husbands through the dim skies.
"We're the community's resident TAR superfans," Flo said. "We've watched many seasons and incarnations, so we feel like we know the show really well. Now we're here, and we get to put our knowledge to the test! It's a dream come true!"
They perched on a branch and conversed in an incomprehensible language. Subtitles appeared onscreen for their pre-show interview.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Speaking Crow is our secret weapon.)" Maude said. "(Sub.: We call it the One-Way Mirror because we can gather information from other teams, but they can't do the same to us.)"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Ideally they'll think we're the wacky comic relief team, surviving by our talons on pure luck alone.)" Flo added. "(Sub.: Thankfully, we're both experienced in playing convincing characters.)"
"It's a risky strategy, but we love this game too much to play conservatively. You never know until you try, right?"
"Garf and Gus. Robbo Gang members and twin brothers, from Rogueport."
Two Craws leapt out and raced each other. Both had off-white V-neck shirts, black pants, gray wristbands, and forest green bandana head wraps. For differentiation, Garf's tattered jacket was white with dark green accents; Gus' jacket, the reverse.
They sparred with iron spears. Spotting an opening, Gus full-body tackled Garf, sending them both to the ground.
"We're identical twins, but we're as different as night and day," Garf said.
"We don't finish each other's sentences, and I never know what he's thinking or any of that," Gus said. "But we're still super-tight. You don't watch just anyone's back through street fights and turf wars."
Robbo leader Ishnail jabbed at a poster: "Take Down Frankie!" Trading dubious looks, Garf and Gus gulped. Ishnail ripped the poster away, revealing the next order of business: "Pay the Rent!"
"Yeah, we're members of the Robbo Gang," Gus said. "If you've got a problem with that, tough. I don't know what to tell you. It's not like we chose this."
"No one sane would choose this life of poverty," Garf said.
"Right. That's why we're here. One million coins would change everything."
They snuck through Rogueport's back alleys. Gus jumped and whipped around, rubbing his behind. Garf hid his spear with mock innocence, failing to stifle his laughter.
"Every day in Rogueport is a fight for survival," Garf said. "Our street smarts are our biggest advantage."
"Plenn and Thriff. Shop owners and brothers, from Rogueport and Keelhaul Key."
Two mustached, green-spotted Toad men disembarked. If not for Thriff's scruffier facial hair, tanner skin, tropically darkened mushroom cap, and more toned physique, they could've passed as identical twins. Both wore green vest jackets over pale yellow shirts and multi-pocketed khakis. Shamrock green bandanas covered their right wrists.
An old photograph showed them standing proudly before their new Item Shop.
"Thriff and I opened Rogueport Square's first shop, the Toad Bros. Bazaar," Plenn said. "For a large part of our lives, we were together twenty-four-seven."
Another photograph was shown, this time of Thriff and a battered tent.
"I went on the first Keelhaul Key expedition." Thriff's speech carried light pirate undertones. "Now I own me own shop, the Keelhaul Key Galleria."
They took inventory in the Rogueport location's storeroom.
"As shopkeepers, we understand dealing with money and interacting with people," Plenn said.
They passed a flying disc to each other on the Keelhaul Key beach.
"And as brothers who've gone into business together, we really understand each other on multiple levels," Thriff said.
They cast their fishing lines from the Keelhaul Key dock.
"This can-do attitude's made us successful business owners," Plenn said, "and it'll serve us well on the Race for sure."
"Aye."
"Swindell and Arfur. Friends, from Rogueport."
A blue Bandit and an orange Doogan with a lettuce green ponytail bounded out. Swindell wore an ocean blue jacket over a blue robe, dark blue running shoes, and white gloves; Arfur, a matching jacket over a white undershirt, cargo shorts, navy blue shoes, and a brown wristwatch. Folded cerulean bandanas covered their foreheads.
Arfur launched Swindell into a dumpster. Swindell hopped out seconds later with some reusable parts.
"We met on the cold, hard streets of Rogueport," Arfur said.
"I tried scamming him," Swindell said. "He saw through it."
"Didn't have anything worth taking anyway. We became unlikely friends, and now we're trying to start a business together."
Swindell bounded effortlessly across the rooftops. Though with less grace, Arfur wasn't far behind.
"We've got quick feet, quick hands, quick minds," Swindell said. "I've got the eyes of a hawk, he's got the strength of a bear. We make a great team."
They crunched numbers and ran comparative analyses by candlelight.
"We've lived on thievery and deception most of our lives," Arfur said. "Winning the Race would fund our venture, turn our lives around, and let us live the future honestly and honorably. That would be sweet."
"We'll do whatever it takes to win," Swindell said. "Lie, cheat, and steal? I won't lose any sleep."
"I'll, uh, leave you to that. Just don't break any rules."
"Rules, right. Drat."
"Goldy and Grubba. Therapist and patient at the Petalburg Rehabilitation Institution."
A Gold Fuzzy and an orchid-shelled Clubba with a fiery orange ponytail barreled out and released excited battle cries. Goldy wore a golden yellow bandana around one of her spikes. Grubba's was tied over his black fedora's ribbon trim. He wore black sunglasses with a black collared jacket over a gaudy, glittering golden vest and matching bowtie.
Fuzzy Horde leader Goldy made her rounds through Shwonk Fortress. Grubba suddenly bounded out from behind a wall column. She screamed at him to leave.
"I met this li'l yella ball o' crazy my first day at the PRI!" Grubba exclaimed. "Hit it off real nice! Turned a two-minute how-ya-do into a two-hour talk 'fore I learned it was a li'l lady!" He guffawed loudly and slapped his knee. "Didn't learn her name 'til two weeks later! Yep! She came in that fine ol' sunny day and them nurses said, 'Oh Mistah Grubba sir, meet yer newest patient—' "
"Lies!" Goldy screamed. "YOU'RE the patient! I'M your therapist!"
"Therapeutic stress ball."
"MEEEEORK!"
A black-and-white montage showed a young, ripped Grubba wrecking other fighters with painful-looking, yet esthetically pleasing, moves.
"Back in the day, I mixed it up in the ring an' fought my way to the martial arts throne! Wasn't long 'til 'Hubba hubba, here comes Grubba!' came outta every belle's lips anywhere I went! Darn tootin'!"
More recent footage showed him promoting the Glitz Pit and commentating a match.
"I stayed in the biz by runnin' the Glitz Pit. Yessiree, that place wouldn't be where it is today if it weren't fer good ol' Grubba…"
Grubba pushed a wheelchair through a garden. Buckled in tight, Goldy was his captive audience for "The Fight Countdown: Grubba's 100 Greatest Hits."
"I can't believe I'm stuck with you for a month without the benefit of Honey Syrup or Tasty Tonic sugar highs!" Goldy looked anguished. "This is gonna be unbearable!"
Grubba squeezed her to his side. "That's nice, Goldeen."
"It's GOLDY! Ugh, whatever! At least I'm getting paid when we win!"
"That's the spirit!"
"Laki and Mai. Train enthusiasts, from Rogueport."
A green-shelled cloudless Lakitu and an orange-spotted Toad girl disembarked. Laki's awkward gait suggested he wasn't used to moving without his cloud. He wore thick black-rimmed goggles, a highlighter orange hoodie, and orange and green running shoes. Mai's ensemble consisted of a coral orange jacket over a white shirt and black athletic tights. Heart-shaped clips parted her bob cut away from her face. Carrot orange bandanas adorned their necks, train engineer-style.
The Excess Express pulled into Rogueport Station. Laki and Mai swooned.
"We met at Rogueport Station, where we bonded over common interests," Laki said.
"More like common obsession," Mai said. "Trains. I kid you not, we are total geeks when it comes to trains."
"Unapologetically geeky geeks. Non-railfans don't get it. This is a way of life!"
Meandering through West Rogueport's park, they chatted while drinking smoothies and carrying textbooks.
"I know the history and location of every major train station in the world," Mai said, "and he knows the specs for every train model ever made. Like, dude, is there not something wrong with that?"
The Excess Express left Rogueport Station. Laki and Mai swooned.
"There are eleven globally recognized associations and six annual conventions," Laki said. "I've got over one million posts on the Big Five railway discussion forums."
"I've gotten into flame wars about the OTP, or One Train Platform, of the romantic film genre," Mai said.
"I've won medals in amateur railway photography and modeling competitions, and I was second runner-up at last year's Locomotive Bowl: History and Construction of the Last Century and third runner-up at So You Want to Be an Engineer?: Practical Knowledge and Famous Figures. Most of my bedroom's floor space is model train tracks, and I have six shelves of railroadiana. The bottom has four albums of Mushroom Kingdom timetables, organized alphabetically by company and date, and eleven photo albums with eight of just the Excess Express. Above that—"
"Swob and Bobolink. Dating on-and-off, from Fahr Outpost and St. Petersbomb."
A Bob-omb and a Bob-omb Buddy plodded to the path. Swob wore a plain raccoon fur ushanka and brown boots, while Bobolink styled an ocean blue Cossack hat and pink and white designer running shoes. Brown bandanas adorned Swob's left leg and Bobolink's golden braid fuse.
Split-screen clips showed Swob shoveling snow and Bobolink cutting fabrics and strutting on a catwalk.
"I work in snow sanitation, SHA-SHOOM!" Swob said.
"I am vorld-famous clothes designer and model." Bobolink introduced herself in a very pronounced Russian accent. "Regarded highly vith peers for avard-vinnink fashion lines. But zey understand not zis relationship vith Svob." Swob's expression tensed. "Alvays ask vhy I not am datink anozer Bomb-model."
Bobolink brought a mug of steaming hot cocoa to Swob the abominable snow-bomb. He exploded, sending snow flying everywhere…including on Bobolink.
"Linka is my dear love," Swob told the camera. He sat alone in this interview. "I spent lots on engagement key and perfect dinner, but uh…fizzled out. Did not pop question. Worst mistake of my life, da. She keeps dumping me. I must show her I am Bob-omb for her, SHA-WHAM!"
They cuddled before a fireplace. Swob leaned over and whispered sweet nothings. They were apparently poorly phrased; Bobolink visibly recoiled.
"I am beauty and brains," Bobolink said. "Svob is brawn and…outside-box zinker. Ve have vinnink tools."
"As long as we do not argue, we are unstoppable, SHA-BLAM!"
"Drak and Crimson. Distant cousins, from the Palace of Shadow and Hooktail Castle."
A Dark Bones and a Red Bones marched to the path. Both wore gray camouflage bandanas around their nonexistent necks.
At Drak's signal, a legion of Dry Bones dispersed…and began dusting. Crimson slapped her forehead.
"General Crimson Chelonii of the Shadow Army," Crimson said in introduction, "Diamond Star defense officer under Madame Hooktail."
"Drak… I directly protected our queen alongside Master Gloomtail…"
They entered the Shadow Queen's crypt and genuflected reverently.
"We commanded immense sleeper armies for centuries," Crimson said. "We are excellent leaders. However, we cannot both lead this two-person squad."
"Crims… I hold higher rank…" Drak reminded smugly.
"Well, I'm older!"
"Hierarchy precedes senility…"
Crimson shook Drak by the shell, causing his head to fall off.
They squared off over an archaic chessboard in the Palace of Shadow's library. Chess pieces magically began flying.
"We are master tacticians," Crimson said. "We shall control this contest from its commencement to its conclusion, handpicking our foes for the final battle. Naturally, we shall be victorious!" She cackled. Drak joined her, and they laughed evilly.
"Northa and Inngrid. Childhood friends, from Fahr Outpost."
Two Bob-omb Buddies cartwheeled out and skipped joyously to the path. Both wore ultramarine jackets resembling telogreikas and used navy blue bandanas as hair ties for their blonde fuse braids. Northa wore a brown ushanka; Inngrid, a cobalt blue peaked cap.
A split-screen showed Northa arranging merchandise and Inngrid tending her inn's fireplace.
"Inna and I are close friends and neighbors since childhood," Northa said. "We know everything about each other."
"We grew up taking care of family businesses," Inngrid said. "Now we own them. My guests buy from Nora's shop. Her customers stay at my inn. Very good arrangement, da."
Northa did a triple pirouette and leapt from the camera's focus, revealing Inngrid spinning six plates on poles. Northa reentered the scene on a unicycle.
"We love Ukiki Brothers Circus," Northa said. "Storytelling and artistry in motion. So beautiful, da."
"We are self-taught performers," Inngrid said. "It is fun side hobby. Skills require physicality and focus. Body and mind strong, da."
Northa hummed, stirring a pot of stew. The moment Inngrid stepped into the kitchen, Northa shooed her away.
"Tourists are like traveling customers," Northa said. "We will always apply customer service concepts. Politeness and patience persuade others to help you."
"And Tally and Deyn. Former roommates, from Poshley Heights."
The carriage doors closed behind two brunette Toads with ponytails. Both wore cerise jackets over light pink shirts, black track pants, and rose pink bandana wristbands. Tally, whose hair was longer and darker, wore an orange watch matching her mushroom cap's spots; Deyn mirrored the coordination in green.
A collage of photographs tracked their burgeoning college friendship.
"We were randomly assigned as roomies our freshman year at Mushroom City University," Deyn said. "It was the match made in heaven! We've stayed close ever since, and now we work across the street from each other! Friends for life!"
"Our fiancés are resigned to the fact that Deyn and I already planned our lives together up through retirement," Tally joked. "We selected matching rocking chairs years ago."
Split-screen shots showed Tally welcoming hotel guests and Deyn pitching Fresh Pasta to customers.
"On the Race, poor communication kills," Deyn said.
"She works in sales, I in hospitality," Tally said. "Our people skills will surely work to our benefit."
They strolled through a mall in designer clothes and chic hairstyles, shopping bags hanging from their arms.
"Sure, we like our monthly mani/pedi and getting our hair done," Deyn said. "An indulgence in appearance is an investment in confidence! As long as we get good hair days, say nine out of ten, we'll be A-Okay!"
The thirteen teams slowly jogged onward in a double-file line.
Blaise narrated, "One of these teams will overcome five dimensions, two timelines, and nine galaxies to cross the finish line first and win The Amazing Race."
The scene zoomed out, rapidly panned across Twilight Trail, and faded in to an overhead view of Creepy Steeple's entrance hall. All thirteen teams stood in an arc with the open front doors at their backs. Miles and Blaise stood before them.
"Welcome, everyone, to The Amazing Race!" Miles exclaimed with outstretched hands. The contestants cheered. "In just a few moments, you'll embark on the ultimate adventure of your lives! Believe me when I say you'll be doing things you never imagined! Even in your wildest dreams!
"This race is divided into thirteen legs, and at the end of each leg is a pit stop. Nine of these are predetermined elimination points. If you check into one of these last, you will be eliminated."
"We've introduced some game-changing twists in the past," Blaise said. "For example, the ever-popular Mismatch Rod defined the essence of the Hazard. This season, however, the Hazard as you knew it is no more."
Reactions varied from surprise to disappointment.
"Several new elements have been added in its stead. One will appear as the prize for this leg: the Express Pass." Blaise displayed a laminated yellow card with a red arrow. "It can be exchanged for the next clue before or during any challenge until the end of the tenth leg.
"While we're talking numbers, as you are aware, there are thirteen teams and nine elimination pit stops. I will dispel any hopes for a 'Final Four Finale.' One pit stop might be double elimination, or one leg might have an elimination checkpoint. It could happen anywhere, at any time."
Several teams exchanged troubled glances and whispers over this unpredictable variable.
"Okay, time to shift gears!" Miles exclaimed. "We're kicking things off with a challenge directly related to you guys! If you'll take a look behind me…"
Multicolored lights filtering through a stained glass image of Doopliss bathed the foyer's rear half in an otherworldly glow. A sudden disturbance rippled the air and, like a flipbook animation, the world's pages instantaneously added new elements to the scene. Seven stone shelves standing parallel to the hall's length were constructed in seconds, and one thousand rotund little origami pigs populated them in the blink of an eye.
"That is your first challenge," Miles confirmed. "Once we give you the word, you can run over to your bags—"
Outside, near the front gates, was an arc of twenty-six backpacks, with a fanny pack and a yellow and black envelope atop each pair.
"—and open your first clue. Your instructions for completing the challenge are there, so read carefully. It's the first of many on the road to glory, 'cause one of you will be the first team to cross the finish line and the winners of ONE MILLION COINS!"
The racers erupted with cheers, applause, and whistles.
Miles grinned and raised an arm. "Alrighty! The world is waiting!"
Falling into various crouching positions, the teams prepared to sprint.
"Good luck," Blaise said, lifting an arm as well.
"Travel safe." At the last second, Miles added, "Sweet dreams!"
Confusion registered on many faces.
"GO!" Miles and Blaise shouted, slamming their arms down.
The staggered crowd dashed out the doors and collapsed in a chaotic matching puzzle as teams located their backpacks. Leading by a split second, Swindell ripped open the clue.
" 'Find a pig whose color matches the Crystal Star of Creepy Steeple—' "
" '—and bring it to Doopliss' lair in the bell tower,' " Darkly read. Dour frowned.
" 'If you're correct, jump off to enter Subcon.' " The music screeched to a halt as Bobolink glared at the nearest camera. "VHAT?!"
(~*TAR*~)
Demonstration shots showed someone browsing the shelves. Minute gradations separated adjacent origami like a color selection tool, but the tinted moonlight through the stained glass windows obscured this detail. Miles narrated by voiceover.
"On his quest to collect the seven Crystal Stars, Mario came to the Creepy Steeple and defeated Doopliss twice to claim the Ruby Star."
A timpani strike accentuated a lingering shot on the star-shaped stone statue bisecting the fourth shelf. Strategic lighting lent it a dull ruby glow immune to the stained glass' color-changing effects.
"In this challenge, teams must find one of seventy ruby-colored origami pigs and bring it to Doopliss' sweet pad for verification."
Several shots highlighted said origami, commonly interspersed among non-red pigs. Rapid shots then flew through the outer corridors, up a staircase, across the inner balcony, and around the spiral stairwell to the bell chamber. Season 1 alumnus Doopliss grinned from his atrociously green rocking chair. Miles stood beside him and held up a ruby-colored origami pig. It spontaneously refolded into a star.
ROUTE INFO
A Pig's True Colors
"Once they present a correct origami, they can jump off the steeple." Beat. "Sounds crazy, right? With Doopliss' help, the Subcon fairies will enchant teams into Subcon while they're in midair."
"Only if I like them! It's not like it's that big a fall!" Doopliss cackled. "Ker-splat! Yuk yuk yuk!"
Expository shots traversed various faces of a mystical world, including a grassland, a desert, and an ocean. Of particular note was a lifeless dimension with blackened landscapes and a sky the color of the blue screen of death.
ROUTE INFO
Proceed to: Subcon
"Subcon's a dream world, so it doesn't always follow the same rules as the waking one."
Rapid shots flew down a staggered series of clouds to a red door in the side of a hill. Beyond was a grassland where a mob of Shy Guys, Snifits, Ninjis, Hoopsters, Tweeters, and Subcon Fairies cheered and hollered. Various members posed and held out envelopes.
"Once teams reach the welcoming committee, they'll receive their next clue."
(~*TAR*~)
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: 'You may submit up to seven answers at a time.')" Maude read.
" 'Warning: The last team to complete this challenge will receive a punishment!' " Gus read.
" 'You have 256 coins for this leg of the Race!' " Grubba concluded, brandishing a debit card coin dispenser.
Immediately assuming the worst—a starting line elimination—the teams ran back into the foyer, up three shallow stairs, and into the origami library. Drak and Crimson hung back, observing. Dour and Eve navigated their teams toward the shelf of red pigs.
"I've got nary an idea. Do we just guess?" Thriff scanned the shelves indiscriminately.
"They all look the same." Arfur scrutinized a line of blur origami.
"It changed color?" Mai confusedly moved a pig from one stained glass-tinted moonbeam to another.
"Everyone reads about that punishment and insanity breaks out," Laki said. "We cram into those shelves, people are yelling, arms are flailing, I'm getting knocked upside the head by backpacks. It's a complete trainwreck."
Several teams ran out the side doors, arms loaded with origami. The forest green team was the first to reach the room behind the foyer. Three staircases led to three doors. Gus charged up the middle one. He swung the door open and stopped upon seeing nothing but air, only for Garf to unintentionally tackle him off.
"CRUUU-oof!"
They crashed face-first onto a cushion in the foyer's rear, crushing their origami. Dazed but otherwise unharmed, they hurried back to the shelves.
"What kind of psycho designed this place…?" Gus muttered.
The cerulean, pink, shamrock green, violet, navy blue, and orange teams sprinted up the right staircase and across the second-floor balcony overlooking the foyer. Meanwhile, the gold and lime green teams ascended the left staircase and found themselves on the opposite balcony.
"Aw dagnabbit, wrong one!" Grubba, upon seeing the dead end straight ahead, swerved back and collided with everyone following him.
"Sacré bleu!" Dupree yelped.
Swindell and Arfur maintained their lead climbing the belfry's spiral staircase. A spring at the top flung them to the bell chamber. They ran over to the pit stop mat and presented their origami. Five remained from the hectic journey.
"These are all incorrect," Miles told them. Behind him, Doopliss' television flashed a red "X" and emitted a buzzer.
"Dang." Swindell cast his wrong answers into Doopliss' bathtub, as instructed. Arfur followed suit. They evacuated the mat, allowing the next team to step forward.
"Incorrect." Miles rejected Tally and Deyn's set.
"Incorrect." Repeat to Plenn and Thriff.
"Incorrect." Repeat to Flo and Maude.
The two-way flow on the belfry's spiral staircase resulted in several near-collisions. Returning teams used a hole in the balcony as a shortcut to the ground floor, dropping safely onto a cushion.
"Incorrect." Repeat to Swob and Bobolink.
"Incorrect." Repeat to Dupree and Goom Goom.
"Incorrect." Repeat to Goldy and Grubba.
"Thought I'd give these blond boars a shot anyway!" Grubba hooted, trashing his answers. "Gold was my color!"
The next team's pig shifted into a five-pointed star.
"That's correct!" Miles exclaimed. "Go, go, go!"
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 1st Place
"Nice going, Gramps." Darkly, shouldering both their backpacks, tossed their lone origami into the tub. They moved toward a window marked with yellow and red Race flags.
"At least…the despair we suffered…wasn't for naught," Dour said, panting for breath. "Speak of the devil!"
"Nice going, Mayor Dimwit! Oinkie, oinkie!" Doopliss chortled. Dour bristled. "Ready to hear funeral bells as you plummet to your doom? Yuk yuk yuk yuk!"
Darkly stepped between them, expression hard. "No safety equipment?"
"Just jump!" Doopliss snickered. "When pigs fly, I'll get ya to Subcon!"
"I… I don't trust you," Dour growled.
"I spy, with my little eye, this season's first elimination!" Doopliss sang. "You might as well forfeit! You're just swine being led to the slaughter!"
"That demon placed a curse on Twilight Town," Dour explained. "When Creepy Steeple's bell rang, one of the townspeople turned into a pig. That nightmare wreaked untold psychological havoc and undermined my office. Coming face-to-face with the one responsible was an unwelcome surprise."
"I remember hearing about this," Darkly said. "Until recently, I thought it was a ridiculous lie. I can't imagine living it."
"We'll jump." Dour challengingly raised his cane at Doopliss. "Darkly?"
"Yeah. I'm with you." Darkly assisted Dour onto the ledge. "Alright. One, two, three—!"
A low-angle ground shot captured their soundless plunge, two silhouettes against the off-white moon. DING-DONG-dong… The Creepy Steeple's bell rang, and as its reverberations ebbed, Dour and Darkly vanished into thin air.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 2nd Place
"Correct!"
Eve tossed their origami into the bathtub, looking repulsed. Her expression blanked when she noticed Doopliss. "You…!"
"Me?" Doopliss' grin evaporated as Eve advanced upon him, jabbing a hand into his chest.
"You monster! My sons nearly became orphans because of you!"
"Ow! Ow! Hey, calm down crazy lady! Ow!" Doopliss shrank back in his chair. "Didn't get the—ow!—memo? I'm a world-famous actor—"
"What right do you have to tear families apart?! Where are your morals?!"
"Geez, it's a—ow!—prank in the past, get over—"
"You thoughtless scoundrel!" Furious tears streamed down Eve's face. "Why weren't you thrown in jail where you belong?! No one mourns the wicked!"
"Eve…" Podley was dumbstruck. Production intervened.
"What he did was unforgiveable, and he showed no remorse," Eve said, shaking with righteous indignation. She gripped Podley's hand tightly. "All I could think about was my three little boys, alone and hungry because he turned their mommy and daddy into pigs…"
DING-DONG-dong… The bell's toll engendered a shellshocked look of abject terror from Eve moments before she and Podley disappeared.
The Amazing Race: Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Edition
~ Opening Theme [HD] ~
Front and center, the The Amazing Race logo floated before the Mushroom World. The planet slowed its spinning, revealing itself as the Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door game disc. Electric guitar and drums kicked off a high-energy mashup of the show's opening with the game's title and battle themes.
13 TEAMS OF 2
A Warp Pipe sprouted through the scene and spat a plane into the sky.
Two Craws hurled their spears past the camera.
GARF & GUS
The Robbo twins held each other in a side hug and flexed their free arms.
Two Toads sat side-by-side, doodling in sketchbooks.
PLENN & THRIFF
The shop owner brothers rang up a cash register and flashed thumbs up.
A Bandit pitched a baseball to a Doogan.
SWINDELL & ARFUR
The friends balanced back-to-back atop a gambrel roof.
A Lakitu and a Toad jumped Double Dutch.
LAKI & MAI
The train enthusiasts made jazz hands at the Excess Express.
A Clubba punted a Gold Fuzzy over a fortress.
GOLDY & GRUBBA
The therapist and patient charged forward through grassy fields.
Two Twilighters hiked through Twilight Trail.
DOUR & DARKLY
The grandfather and grandson creepily turned their heads toward the camera.
A Twilighter and a Bean sang and quickstepped for a small pub.
EVE & PODLEY
The once dating actors walked out for a curtain call and bowed.
Two Crows swooped in toward the camera.
FLO & MAUDE
The stay-at-home moms alighted on a branch and lifted their wings.
A Dupree and a Goomba raised a toast.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM
The flatmates posed grandly before a city skyline.
Two Toads waltzed across a ballroom floor.
TALLY & DEYN
The former roommates twirled and flashed their class rings.
Two Bob-omb Buddies snowshoed across a tundra.
NORTHA & INNGRID
The childhood friends performed a simultaneous front aerial.
A Dark Bones and a Red Bones played high-speed Shogi with dark magic.
DRAK & CRIMSON
The distant cousins stomped in unison, snapping their armies to attention behind them.
A Bob-omb and a Bob-omb Buddy kissed under light snowfall.
SWOB & BOBOLINK
The on-and-off dating couple exploded, creating a snow crater.
Faster and faster the montage of places sped, ending with two moonlit figures jumping from Creepy Steeple. A planet-game disc hybrid reappeared with thirteen smaller planets circling it, but in the foreground:
THE AMAZING RACE
PAPER MARIO: THE THOUSAND-YEAR DOOR
Subcon, World 1-1
A funky tune incorporating NES pulse and triangle wave noises accompanied establishing shots of a sprawling grassland bordered by trees. Generating lots of excited noise, the welcoming committee did the wave as the camera backtracked past them, through an ornate red door, and up a broken staircase of clouds.
DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson
The red team appeared near a midair door and fell a short distance to the first cloud. Dour's face rapidly shifted from horror to surprise to awe. Darkly spotted a floating Race arrow and led their descent.
"This feels like a dream," Dour said. He prodded the clouds underfoot with his cane. "Fascinating."
"Where is this?" Darkly wondered.
They arrived at the hillside with the marked door. Stepping through, the Twilighters found their world flooded with color and sound and life. An envelope crowd-surfed to them.
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in 1st Place
Darkly projected his voice to be heard over all the rowdy cheering. " 'Welcome to the land of dreams. Make your way to the Twin Rivers and cross them to receive your next clue.' "
(~*TAR*~)
Rapid shots traversed the grassy, rolling hills to two rivers running closely parallel to each other. The first had three stationary log bridges spanning its width; the second, much smaller log segments being swept downstream by its current. A pink dinosaur wearing a red bow waited on the far side.
Miles narrated, "Teams must now complete their rites of passage into Subcon by crossing these two rivers."
ROUTE INFO
Cross Twin Rivers
Nimble Ninjis effortlessly hopped across the logs. The waiting Birdo curtsied and unveiled an envelope.
"Once both team members do so, they'll receive their next clue."
A Ninji casually slipped off a log. He unconvincingly yelled for help before disappearing over the waterfall.
"If someone falls into the river, well…it's all a dream!"
(~*TAR*~)
"This is 'the land of dreams?' " Darkly repeated. Sunlight from some unseen source illuminated the grasslands. "Send me to the stuff of nightmares. It's too bright here."
Dour called out, "Twin Rivers?" Numerous residents answered, pointing eastward to some raised hills. Dour and Darkly pushed through the mob and, after a lengthy jog, arrived at the first river. Dynamic shots highlighted the narrowness of the bridges and the swiftness of the current.
"Oh, badness," Dour said. "So much for my retirement."
Production outfitted them with waterproof recording equipment and transported their bags to the far side of the second river.
"Would you mind going first?" Dour requested. "Show your grandfather how it's done."
Darkly held his arms out for balance and inched out onto a log bridge. Steadily shuffling forward, keeping one foot in the lead, he crossed without incident.
Dour nervously followed, holding his cane like a tightrope walker's pole. His balance immediately suffered, and his short, lightweight cane did little to compensate. He toppled sideways into the water. Panicking, he swam for land, to no avail. A rainbow appeared as the waterfalls claimed their first victim.
"Whoa. Um. At least we did one task before something went catastrophically wrong," Darkly said. "I don't think Gramps' Life Shroom Insurance covers Kreugerian death. Oh wait."
Dour had re-manifested at the first river's queue in the blink of an eye, completely dry. He shrugged at Darkly, yelled "I'm alive," and retried crossing using his cane normally.
Darkly turned and studied the second river. Log segments frequently drifted by, seemingly confined to two invisible lanes. The distances between the riverbanks and the logs would theoretically force racers to jump three times to reach the other side.
"Here goes nothing." Darkly took a running start and jumped. He landed on a log segment and steadied himself. Glancing at the approaching precipice, he quickly gauged the distance to the next log and jumped again. Unfortunately, he flubbed his push-off and landed in the water. Before he could reach the riverbank, he disappeared over the waterfall.
The next second, he was back at the start.
"Death sure is fast and painless," Darkly deadpanned.
"Correct," Miles said.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 3rd Place
"Thank you probability," Plenn said as they dropped four pigs into the bathtub. They headed to the window as Miles rejected Garf and Gus, Dupree and Goom Goom, and Laki and Mai in quick succession.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins
All teams had submitted answers at least once except for the Shadow Army officers. They talked quietly as origami pigs displaced from their original positions magically migrated back to the foyer's messy shelves.
"Diamond, Emerald, Gold, Ruby, Sapphire, Garnet, Crystal," Crimson recited. "A puzzle of our queen's Crystal Stars posed no obstacle to us. However, the unspecified punishment created a dilemma. Everyone, ourselves included, naturally concluded it meant certain elimination."
"We will not be eliminated first!" Inngrid screamed, throwing a pig to the ground.
"Our strategy involved non-interfering reconnaissance for the first four to six legs," Crimson continued. "Natural selection would eliminate the truly undeserving. After gathering information, we will align with teams who possess adequate competency for survival, but pose little threat to our victory. We will thus lead an army of pawns to this war's final stages."
"Fortune may shine upon undesirable teams… We must finalize our plan posthaste…" Drak urged.
"Losing a valuable candidate to chance this early is inexcusable," Crimson continued. "We decided to cast our nets based on first impressions."
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: I'm completely blanking! Goodness Maude, we should know this! It was hot gossip during The Cursed Piggification!)" Flo exclaimed.
Before Maude could respond, a tap to her mantle prompted her to turn around.
"The solution is ruby…" Drak said discreetly. "Discounting the light, it is outcast from its surrounding brethren…"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: A free answer? At what cost? Should we trust it?)" Flo asked.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: We have no other leads. I don't see why not.)" Maude replied.
Unable to comprehend their conversation, Drak skulked away. "Vulgarity is the mark of these modern dialects…"
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off
"I know!" Swob exclaimed. "Maybe church has library we can check for answer, SHA-WHAM!"
"Zat is vaste of time," Bobolink snapped. "Ve know not vhat ve search for!"
"For this." Startled, the brown team turned to see Crimson holding out a ruby-colored pig. "My team located an extra."
"Huh? Vhy ve trust you know correct answer?" Bobolink asked skeptically. "And vhy you give it to us?"
"Accept this on good faith," Crimson replied. "I stake my reputation that this is a valid solution."
Bobolink continued giving Crimson the stink eye, but added the freebie to their other candidates. "Svob, come!"
"We owe you, SHA-PAFF!"
Crimson winced at Swob's volume, but relaxed once it became apparent anyone nearby was too preoccupied to have caught the exchange. She reunited with Drak and, after watching both their targets exit the foyer, they too headed for the belfry.
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 4th Place
"We give you thanks," Northa said sweetly. They headed to the drop zone.
"Pretend it is platform dive into glass of water," Inngrid said. "Bombs away!"
EVE & PODLEY: Once Dating Actors
The lavender team arrived at the rivers, Eve looking cheerier after the warm welcome into Subcon.
"Is there no safety equipment?" Podley asked. "What happens if we fall off?"
"You respawn here."
Eve shrieked in surprise and whirled around to face Darkly. "You were just over— How did you—"
"I fell."
"You fell," Eve and Podley echoed.
"Yeah." Darkly shrugged. "Almost-death by waterfall isn't that bad. You feel like your stomach will fly out your mouth for half a second. Then you pop up here with no idea how it happened. It's strange."
Dour reappeared behind them. "Eve! Good to see our ordeal paid off for you as well."
"Mayor Dour!" Eve shook his hand. "Yes, silver lining I suppose. Though I lost my temper having to meet him."
"Really? Good. He certainly deserved it. Shame I didn't give him what for myself."
"Er, I'm a bit lost," Podley said, glancing uncertainly at Darkly. "I think I heard about this through the grapevine, but—"
"A story for another time," Eve said. "I'd rather not revisit those thoughts right now."
"…Alright." Podley nodded. "Cross these bridges first."
Eve and Podley shuffled out for their first attempts. Darkly glanced at Dour, then toward Subcon's entrance, before taking the third bridge.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 5th Place
"Correct!"
"I still am not knovink vhat zis Crystal Star is!" Bobolink said offhandedly. "Pigs not vear crystal jevelry."
"Now comes fun part!" Swob said brightly, leading her to the window. "I always wanted to fly, SHA-WHOOMP!"
"VHAT?!" Bobolink shrieked in alarm, having forgotten about the magical transfer. "Do you know how far up ve are?!"
"Maybe seven to eight sto—"
"Not helpink!" Bobolink whirled on Doopliss. "Bedsheet ghost, how is it ve proceed vithout jumpink?"
Doopliss sneered. "The wimpy loser's way comes with a two-hour penalty."
"Penalty on first leg looks super bad, da!" Swob cut in, pushing her forward. "Do not be that girl, SHA-FOOM!"
Bobolink dug her heels in, squirming about. "Svob! You are knowink I hate heights!" She glanced, terrified, at the view, which cleared most treetops. "I need time to prepare!"
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 6th Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Oh thank stars!)" Flo shouted, throwing her wings up. She and Maude fell in behind the dating couple.
"One minute to jump, or you crybabies go to the back of the line," Doopliss told Swob and Bobolink.
Beseechingly, Swob began, "Linka—"
"I am not ready yet!"
Behind them, Miles rejected the gold and pink teams. The Crows uncomfortably observed Bobolink shoot down Swob's entreaties with increasing vehemence.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 7th Place
"Correct! Just FYI, there's no extra credit for being overachievers."
Smirking, the Shadow Army officers trashed seven transformed stars. "Establishing our supremacy early is recognition enough," Crimson replied quietly. Miles hummed thoughtfully.
The gray team reached the drop zone just as the violet team disappeared silently over the edge in dive bomb formation. Drak and Crimson stabilized their skulls against the bell's sound waves.
"Those women jumped, da. Why can't you jump, SHA-WHAM!"
"Zose vere vomen?" Bobolink asked, bewildered. "Vhat horrid fashion sense. Ving varmers are so 1980's. Vait." Her voice turned venomous. "You are comparink me to ozer vomen?!"
Swob gulped. "N-No ma'am." Doopliss furtively made some whip crack noises.
Bobolink took several deep breaths that quickly escalated into hyperventilating.
"Your acrophobia is baseless…" Drak said. "Self-defenestration was quite frequent during—" Crimson stomped on his foot. "Ow…"
"How is deforestink involved?" Bobolink asked.
"Let us jump together," Crimson suggested, dolling her gravelly voice into something vaguely feminine and encouraging. "This minor obstacle shall not impede your quest!" Her aside glance revealed utter self-disgust.
"Very true! Power in numbers will overcome, SHA-PLOOIE!" Swob cheered. His raccoon hat's tail grabbed Drak's hand. Drak looked down at it, disturbed.
"Blegh. Boring," Doopliss muttered.
Crimson, Drak, and Swob stepped onto the ledge and leapt off, pulling Bobolink with them. The Creepy Steeple's bell didn't drown out her screams.
Darkly nailed his timing and landed on the far riverbank. He collected his team's belongings. "Our lead is gone. Gramps needs to pull through soon."
PLENN & THRIFF: Shop Owner Brothers
NORTHA & INNGRID: Childhood Friends
"These log bridges don't look like fun," Plenn said.
"I've seen worse," Thriff said breezily.
Thriff, Northa, and Inngrid moved adroitly over the log bridges and hopped across the log segments with ease, clearing the challenge on their first attempt.
"I no understand why they not have regular pedestrian bridge," Inngrid said. "But this way gives more enjoyment."
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 1st Place
The Bob-omb Buddies celebrated, accepted the clue from the Birdo, and moved out of earshot. Northa extracted a red folder.
"First Roadblock! 'Who wants the cherry on top?' "
(~*TAR*~)
"A Roadblock is a task that only one racer may perform," Miles explained as he hiked toward the camera, "and no racer may do more than eight over the course of the Race. In this Roadblock, teams will work with Subcon's most bountiful fruit!"
He spread his arms. The camera panned out, revealing a field of floating—
"Cherries."
ROADBLOCK
Pick, Peck, Play
A Subcon Fairy flew around, putting cherries in a basket. The fruits always appeared in pairs connected by black stems.
"First, they will need to collect five cherry bunches and bring them back to Cherrymaster Casino. They'll trade their harvest for access to its infamous cherry buffet."
Inside a giant red dome, mellow overhead lighting showcased lavish buffet setups covered with everything from pies and pastries to salads and meaty entrées. Every item featured cherries as a prominent, if not main, ingredient. A Shy Guy stuffed his face with pie, oblivious to the mess he was making on the white tablecloth.
"Without using their hands, they must search for special tokens that they will use to score a three-in-a-row of cherries at the slots."
Upon finding one, the Shy Guy dashed over to a Bonus Chance slot machine and pulled the lever. Bells and whistles sounded. He stepped aside, revealing three cherries on the reels and an envelope in the output tray.
"Once they win big, they'll get their next clue. If they fail the odds stacked in their favor, they must search for another token. Not that that's a bad thing. It's an epic buffet."
"PIE!" the Shy Guy screamed, running back to the pie tables.
(~*TAR*~)
"I remove Roadblock," Inngrid said. With a saucy wink to the camera, she added, "I like Cherry Bombs."
"I doubt task involves Cherry Bombs," Northa giggled.
"This shown on international television, da? Future husband might see!"
They retrieved their bags and headed toward the distant casino.
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 8th Place
"Correct."
"Woo!" Mai cheered and shared a handshake with Laki that resembled two trains passing each other. Laki imitated a train's Doppler effect as they jumped.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 9th Place
"Yes!" Arfur high-fived Swindell as they raced to the ledge.
GRUBBA & GOLDY: Currently in 10th Place
"Hooo-WEEEEE! Thank ya kindly!" Grubba hurled their answers into the bathtub's growing pile of deactivated origami. He picked Goldy up and bounded through the window.
For Flo and Maude, both river crossings looked as natural as preparing to take flight; the widths of the logs were more than sufficient for their talons.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 2nd Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: I'm feeling peckish. I'll do it.)" Flo decided.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: You can do it, Falconet!)" Maude said encouragingly.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Distant Cousins
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off
"This must be the local Styx and Acheron…" Drak said grimly as they queued up.
Dour suddenly appeared behind them. "This is troublesome. I keep dying."
The last three teams returned to Creepy Steeple's foyer. Most before them had grabbed ruby-colored pigs by luck, unaware of the large stone hint in their midst. Though tired from repeated trips to and from the bell chamber, the lime green and forest green teams quickly yanked origami at random and raced back out.
"Oh, the statue," Tally said. "Crystal Star. The backlighting keeps it tinted red."
"That has to be a clue," Deyn said. "How've we missed that this entire time?" Within seconds, she pulled a candidate from the shelves. "I think I found one, Tal. We have to hustle!"
"I'm a hotel receptionist for Poshley Heights' foremost lodging experience, the Royal Poshley Park Tower," Tally said. "On our lunch breanks, Deyn and I trained doing stair repeats to the tenth-floor penthouse. Those workouts thankfully paid dividends in the first challenge."
"Stair masters! We are stair masters!" Deyn chanted. They breezed past the winded men on the spiral staircase. Dupree sighed admiringly.
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 11th Place
"Correct."
The Toads cheered jubilantly and hugged before heading to the window.
"This jump isn't my cup of tea, but at least we survived to do it," Deyn said. Tally took her hand reassuringly, and they disappeared with minimal fuss.
GARF & GUS: Robbo Twins
"Incorrect."
"What? All of ours are red, just like theirs was!" Gus protested. Miles shrugged, but said nothing more. Gus yelled in frustration.
"We must be missing something," Garf surmised.
"No duh!" They hastily retreated.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates
"Incorrect."
"Shoot!" Goom Goom discarded their pigs. "We're the last two!"
"We still 'ave a chance!" Dupree said. "Drop your pack! Zey are weigheeng us down!"
Without the added weight, they caught the twins at the base of the spiral staircase. Gus cursed.
"Crud, we're so stupid!" He frantically unbuckled his backpack and threw it beside the tower door. Garf copied him.
Both teams dropped into the foyer and searched the shelves while monitoring each other.
"We've gotta get this right," Goom Goom stressed. "We can't be eliminated first!"
"There's gotta be a catch," Garf said, closely scanning a row.
Dupree and Goom Goom gathered seven pigs and ran for the door.
"Hurry and just grab something, they're going back!" Gus yelled.
Seconds later, he and Garf gave chase. Both teams ran through the hall and up the floating straight staircase to the balcony, dropping some origami in their haste.
Goom Goom glanced back. "They're right behind us! Run for our future wives!"
The flatmates accelerated as they reached the spiral staircase, the twins several paces behind. Everyone took two steps at a time. Dupree began pulling away, while Garf and Gus made up ground on Goom Goom. He kicked into a last-second push, fending off their advances, and took the spring to the bell chamber.
Gasping for breath, the lime green team presented their four remaining pigs to Miles.
"That…is incorrect."
Their faces fell. Garf and Gus muscled them aside and showed their three pigs.
"That…is correct," Miles replied as one refolded into a ruby-colored star. "You're still in the Race, guys."
GARF & GUS: Currently in 12th Place
"Way too close," Gus muttered breathlessly. He and Garf fist-bumped and made one last trip down the tower to retrieve their backpacks.
"We fall off a staircase, and then later we have to jump out the tower," Gus grumbled. "I HATE heights. Yeah, I know I'm a bird. I'm broken or something, leave me alone."
"I love heights," Garf said. "Jumping off roofs gives me this incredible adrenaline rush. I'm really excited for the extreme stunt tasks like skydiving, bungee jumping, or rappelling."
"You can do this," Garf said. "Everyone else made it."
"How do we know they aren't just hiding the bodies?"
"If I can avoid heights stuff, I will," Gus said. "But if we hit spots where I can't…"
"I have permission to just push him off," Garf said brightly. He made a shoving motion and snapped his fingers. "And I'll do it, too."
Gus stepped onto the ledge and shut his eyes tight. Garf climbed on beside him. After several seconds, Gus peeked an eye open and glanced warily at Garf.
"Any day now. We're in a raAAAH!"
Garf flashed victory signs and leapt.
Meanwhile, Dupree and Goom Goom descended back down to the foyer. Flattened origami floating back to the shelves added to the hall's surreally calm atmosphere.
"Gah, we blew it," Goom Goom said glumly.
"Chin up, my leetle weengman. Les filles don't like zee quitters," Dupree said with a watery smile. "Zat eez not us. Let's feenish strong."
They gathered a heptad and returned to the bell chamber. Doopliss stood beside Miles.
"Better late than never. Welcome to the Creepy Steeple," Doopliss said.
"That…is correct," Miles confirmed, indicating a transforming origami.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in Last Place
"Unfortunately, Dupree and Goom Goom? You're the last team to complete this challenge."
Recognizing this lead-in, both men lost their bravado. Dupree crumpled to his knees, clutching his heart.
"Zis eez so 'orrible, goeeng out like zis!" he cried pitifully. "Zee farewell entourage does not even 'ave une demoiselle!"
Miles glanced expectantly at his Duplighost companion. Doopliss sneered. "What? Not in my contract."
"And I'm sorry to tell you…" Miles continued, "…that you now have to deal with the new Hazard penalty."
"I can adapt my victory speech for zis dreadful occasion," Dupree said, clearing his throat.
"Uh." Miles waved in front of their faces. "Guys?"
"All we saw was a dead forest and a creepy church," Goom Goom lamented.
"You deaf dumdums!" Doopliss yelled. "You're not last-place losers!" He crossed his arms petulantly. "Yet."
Dupree and Goom Goom quit blubbering and blinked in owlish wonder.
"This is how it works," Miles said. "Whenever you check into a pit stop, you'll be checked in one spot lower than you arrived. For example, if you arrive eleventh, you'd be checked in as team number twelve."
Wary relief covered the flatmates' features as they fetched their backpacks.
"However, assuming you survive, you still depart twelve hours from your original check-in time. So, the Hazard only applies to your check-in position," Miles emphasized. "The only way to permanently remove it is to come in first place." Clapping his hands together, he concluded, "That's all you need to know. Go get 'em!"
"Oui, oui! From zis second chance will burst un tale of success!" Dupree exclaimed. Inspired with new energy, they ran over to the marked window…and skidded to a stop. Doopliss sauntered over, shaking his head.
"We weren't off to such a hot start," Goom Goom said. "We almost became the first team eliminated, like not even an hour in. That's scary stuff."
"Our gameplan eez survival," Dupree said. "Eet eez fairly seemple. All we do eez avoid last. And second-to-last. And third-to-last. Erm. Zee surprise elimination complicates zeengs."
"We had a stroke of bad luck out of the gate, but we're humble now. If we play smart and work hard, we can make it to the end, even with this Hazard."
Dupree clutched Goom Goom for dear life. They made the plunge.
"For amour!"
"For money!"
Their yells were aborted as they suddenly vanished into thin air. The Creepy Steeple's bell ebbed away.
Cherrymaster Casino
INNGRID: 0/5 Cherries
Northa and Inngrid arrived at the casino. Exterior fountains jetted arcs of water high into the air. Wooden bushel baskets were stacked near the revolving doors. Inngrid yanked one out and jogged toward a distant streak of floating red.
"I am cherry picking in dreams," she said. "I wished for experience like this as little Bob-omblet. Winter bushes by Fahr Outpost grow inedible berries. We never picked them."
She admired her first set of large, plump cherries before sweeping them into her basket.
"Smooth and shiny skin. Very pretty, da. I do not know cherry taste. It is good?"
FLO: 0/5 Cherries
With some difficulty, Flo dragged a basket to her first cluster.
"Remember children, cherries don't float in real life." She held the clue in one foot and picked with the other. "I don't want the dears getting the wrong idea. Some chicks are flighty about flight training."
Plenn and Podley stuck landings on the far riverbank. They nodded to each other before Plenn rejoined Thriff.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 3rd Place
"Ahoy, Plenn! Great job," Thriff said. He decided to do the Roadblock, and they jogged off.
LAKI & MAI: Train Enthusiasts
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Friends
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Therapist/Patient
Split-screen shots showed Laki and Mai running east to the Twin Rivers, Swindell and Arfur reading their clue, and Goldy and Grubba descending the cloud staircase.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 4th Place
"Old folks for the win!" Podley said as Eve joined him. He read the Roadblock prompt aloud. "I can take this one."
"Break a leg, then." Before they moved on, Eve paused by Darkly. "Good luck, dear. I have faith Mayor Dour will pull through. He's a hardy man."
Darkly nodded, keeping his eyes on everyone's progress. Drak smashed into a log and tumbled into the water in pieces. Poof. He reappeared at the start, fully assembled.
"MY FUSE!" Bobolink shrieked before she too disappeared over the second waterfall. Laki toppled off his bridge, while Mai landed behind a drifting log.
Newly arrived Swindell practically sprinted across a bridge and nimbly hopped to one log, to another, then to the riverbank, finishing on his first try. Arfur mimicked him. Goldy simply bounced across everything.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 5th Place
"Yeah, Arfur! Future Bandit in the making!" Swindell high-fived his partner. Arfur volunteered for the Roadblock, and they jogged eastward.
FLO: 5/5 Cherries
"That's five." Starry sparkles circled Flo as she awkwardly lugged her basket along. She arrived back at Cherrymaster Casino's entrance, where the non-participants were waiting.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: That was fast! Great job, dear!)" Maude chirped, joining her. Northa studied them, puzzled.
Flo showed her basket to the tuxedo-wearing Shy Guy doorman. He counted the contents, flourished, and beckoned for them to enter. Past the revolving doors and the short entry vestibule, an awestruck Flo and Maude found themselves in an isolated world of light, sound, and fun eternal. Twinkling lights, swirling murals, plushy patterned carpets, and deep red walls enclosed a paradise where time had no meaning and money flowed like water.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Bless my feathers, this is amazing!)" Maude moved, unwillingly, to a designated waiting area. "Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Everything's so fancy! Oh, these red baize card tables are gorgeous!)"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Oh, Maude! This buffet!)" Flo squealed giddily.
Sumptious and extravagant buffet arrangements covered with cherry-themed dishes commanded the room's center. An assortment of pies alone occupied two tiered tables. Cherry blossoms and other small cherry-motif encyclopedias further enhanced the lavish displays.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: It's a visual feast! I don't know where to begin!)"
Flo rechecked the instructions. Mouths only. She plucked a miniature cherry-vanilla muffin from a platter and squealed as the flavors graced her gustatory system. She repeated with a mini pumpkin-cherry muffin and a slice of cherry pecan bread.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: My, it's too yummy for words! I'm not complaining if it takes me a while to find a token.)"
INNGRID: On Buffet
"Beautiful, da!" Northa exclaimed.
"Fahr Outpost bunkers are identical on outside and like barrels inside," Northa said. "Uniform appearance is boring. Like painted igloo with small fireplace. Casino was opposite of our world. Many colors, sounds, smells. Controlled temperature. Food variety. I want to live there!"
Inngrid inelegantly slammed her face into a plate of Swedish pancakes, sending chocolate-banana fillings and a spurt of cherry cream cheese flying.
"Inna does not know good food or home-cooked meals," Northa joked in a pre-show interview. "She serves guests Space Food I buy in bulk. Chewy, powdery, and tasteless."
"They are compact and lightweight!" Inngrid said defensively. "Eat anytime without preparation. Very useful, da."
"Extra protein type is our Race diet. Big portion of bags. Yuck."
"Da, food is good!" Inngrid said. Food disappeared in bite-size chunks around where her mouth would be, which was smeared by cherry-banana rasin bread pudding and raspberry cherry compote.
"I have no taste buds," Inngrid disclosed. "It is sad. I do not taste delicious food. I also do not taste disgusting food." In a post-leg interview, she glanced apologetically at Northa. "I wish I did not waste Roadblock."
"You do not worry. I was happy for you."
Flo wolfed down a piece of cherry cornbread and some mango-cherry-avocado salad. Finally, at the bottom of a bowl of cherry fruit salad, she found a token.
"Crw crw crw crw! (Sub.: Yay, grt one! Almosh swawowed it.)" Flo enunciated around the coin in her beak.
She scuttled to a marked slot machine and inserted the token, sending the reels spinning. Three buttons popped out. She jabbed them all and got three cherries, celebratory sirens, and a mini-blizzard of streamers and confetti to the face.
FLO & MAUDE: Currently in 1st Place
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Yay!)" Flo dashed over to Maude. Northa's attempt at eavesdropping failed. "Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: 'Travel on foot to Unun Cave and find an Ace Coin to claim a departure time.')"
(~*TAR*~)
Rapid shots reached a nondescript cave. Miles narrated by voiceover.
"Teams must now make their way to Unun Cave."
Overhead shots of the roomy interior showed a floating sixteen-by-sixteen grid of slowly rotating bronze coins. The majority sported an "A," but sprinkled throughout were ones with imprints of the teams' heads.
"Inside, they must search among 256 Ace Coins for one of two with their specific pictures."
ROUTE INFO
Ace in the Hole
On the far wall from the entrance was a board with thirteen coin-shaped imprints. The six top row slots indicated 6:00 AM, while the bottom seven had 6:30 AM.
"These are their keys for reserving a departure time the next morning."
The last 6:30 slot was marked "LAST TEAM." A zoom out revealed a world map and a sign reading "SUBCON" in bold letters several paces away.
(~*TAR*~)
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: 'Warning: The last team may be eliminated!')"
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: It's the standard first-leg overnight bunching point, and we're in the lead! Fly like the wind, dear!)" Maude exclaimed. They shrugged on their backpacks, exited the casino, and scurried toward the distant cave.
Inngrid unearthed a token from a bowl of cherries jubilee. She rhythmically stopped the reels and received triple cherries.
NORTHA & INNGRID: Currently in 2nd Place
"Future husband cannot wait to meet you," Northa said wryly.
"I have something on face?" Inngrid asked jokingly. After she read the clue, they scooped up their packs and hurried out the door.
PODLEY: 1/5 Cherries
"These are mighty fine maraschino cherries," Podley said. He found another bunch, picked it, and moved on. "They'd make some nice drink garnishes."
"Hurry up!" Goldy yelled, hopping around impatiently.
"I'm comin', pard!" Grubba hollered back. He took a moment to steady himself after nearly toppling off his bridge.
Swob landed face-first on the riverbank. He recovered, gathered his team's duffel bags, and cheered on his frustrated girlfriend. Mai also finished and shouted encouragement to Laki.
"You're too slow, old man!" Goldy shrieked. "Come on!"
Grubba bellowed back, "I'll be there faster'n a flock o' gulls at a hot dog stand!"
Swob and Mai burst into laughter, while a startled Crimson and Dour made sudden missteps and pitched sideways off their bridges. Darkly sighed.
"The world's greatest martial arts acrobat's gotcha this time!" Grubba declared, flexing his nonexistent muscles. "YAAAAAAHH!" He used the remainder of his log bridge for a running start and crossed the second river in two bounds, reclaiming his balance with a somersault finish. "That was fer all you gymnastics-lovin' types at home!"
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 6th Place
"Why didn't you do that the first time?" Goldy demanded. Grubba ignored her and turned to Darkly, Mai, and Swob.
"It's the one, the only, the first test of individual mettle—Roadblock number one!" he announced. The clue-giving Birdo applauded. " 'Who wants the cherry on top?' Super fruits for a super man! That's me!"
"What? Cherries?! MINE!" Already drooling, Goldy leapt for the instructions folder. Grubba maneuvered away and opened it, locking himself in.
"And it's a right doozy! I can already taste the cherry pie!" Smacking his lips, Grubba took off with their bags like a pack mule. Goldy followed, looking irritated.
"I can't stand Chubba!" Goldy said in a pre-show interview. "Everything's one big game with him, and he fakes old geezer selective hearing! All my cowardly coworkers say the PRI's craziest got matched up, which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I'm the sanest Fuzzy you'll ever meet!"
Meanwhile, the pink and forest green teams arrived and got suited up.
THRIFF / PODLEY / ARFUR: On Buffet
An impromptu pie-eating contest painted Arfur's snout and Thriff's mustache with crumbs and filling.
"Showy displays of money just seem like a waste of resources," Arfur said. "But I can appreciate that awesome buffet. Best-tasting food I've ever had. Who doesn't like pie?"
Arfur shoveled the remnants around an aluminum pie tin before moving on to an almond crumb-top cherry pie. Thriff began a new search in a double-crust rustic apple pie with dried cherries.
"I'm surprised no one's working this table." Podley strolled up to the drink selection, bypassing the teas, smoothies, and lemonades in favor of the virgin beverages.
"I'm glad you at least pursued your other passion," Eve said. "Your mixology tricks looked great back then. They're even better now. Truly charming."
"Like a fine wine, I get better with age," Podley joked. "You know, your husband might not appreciate you gushing about me."
"Nonsense. Vigil understands we meant something to each other once." Podley winced. "We're getting reacquainted, so of course I'm going to notice these things."
"Aha." Podley grabbed the rim of a cocktail glass with his mouth. In one fluid motion, he leaned back and swallowed the cherry mint spritzer, dislodging the token at the bottom. He navigated to the slots and stopped three cherries in-frame.
EVE & PODLEY: Currently in 3rd Place
"Bravo, Podley!" Eve joined him. "My, that was fast!"
"My day job served me well," Podley supplied before reading the clue.
GARF & GUS: Currently in 7th Place
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 8th Place
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 9th Place
Gus and Tally reached the completion side of the rivers. Laki landed on his side. Unharmed, he got up, wiped his brow, and joined a cheering Mai.
"Us Lakitus sure have it good," Laki said. "I'm so reliant on my cloud. It's like an extension of me, best friend, and personal vehicle, all in one. Doing the Race without it feels like I'm missing an important part of me. I kept forgetting I couldn't just hover over the rivers." He paused thoughtfully. "Did I mention it's my train-watching buddy too? There's this euphoria in the back of my brain, and I'm pretty sure that's my cloud watching the Excess Express without me. If we'd worked on the telepathy thing more, I'd be getting live images right now!"
Gus and Deyn volunteered for the Roadblock.
"I like cherries, especially on ice cream sundaes and milkshakes," Mai said. "Typical couples' fare."
"Somehow I don't think you're eating them, but," Laki shrugged, "yours."
"Okay." Mai's eyes lit up as she read the task description. She laughed. "Part food challenge, like a major adorable thematic date package! Score!"
Unun Cave
FLO & MAUDE: Stay-at-Home Moms
The violet team entered the cave and was treated to the sight of 256 one-sided Ace Coins slowly rotating in unison.
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: So many shiny shinies…)" Flo said, mesmerized. Maude echoed her, eyes sparkling.
NORTHA & INNGRID: Childhood Friends
"You are blocking way," Inngrid said, snapping the Crows out of their trance. She and Northa ran into the heart of the grid. Flo and Maude browsed the periphery.
"Is this ours?" Northa peered closer at an engraved coin. Their heads were totem-stacked in 3/4 profile. "That is us, da! We look pretty!" She jumped and nabbed the Ace Coin. They ran it to the rear wall and claimed the first slot.
NORTHA & INNGRID: 1st on 6:00 AM Departure
Shortly after, Maude flew up to the departure board and giddily inserted their Ace Coin.
FLO & MAUDE: 2nd on 6:00 AM Departure
"Caw caw caw caw! (Sub.: Bless my feathers, Florence! We survived our first day on The Amazing Race!)" Maude exclaimed. They broke into a celebration of gibberish, raised their wings, and danced around joyously.
GRUBBA: On Buffet
"These're mighty fine eats!" Grubba exclaimed. Pastry crumbs and chocolate smears dotted his mouth. His current course, a cherry-loaded black forest cake, yielded nothing but a dollop of whipped cream on his sunglasses. He moved on to a buttery clafouti and exaggeratedly licked his lips.
Meanwhile, Garf, Tally, and Laki waited outside as their partners scampered about the surrounding fields, collecting cherries.
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Bachelors/Flatmates
" 'Allo, 'allo my leetle lovelies!"
All the welcoming committee females shrank away from Dupree, permitting him and Goom Goom to pass much faster than teams before them. Soon they were traversing the hills to the Twin Rivers.
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 10th Place
"That performance was horrendous. Now our positioning for the Express Pass is likely subpar." Crimson unleashed her frustration on the clue. "Roadblock. It is yours."
"The first Roadblock is the easiest…"
"Hence, yours."
"Nay… All the more reason for the inferior officer to accept…"
Crimson angrily stuffed the folder between the scutes of Drak's shell, Huffing, he swiped it out.
As the gray team departed, the lime green team arrived at the queue and got suited up by production. Darkly counted something under his breath, expression darkening as Dour reappeared behind them.
EVE & PODLEY: 3rd on 6:00 AM Departure
Eve placed their Ace Coin in the third slot. "We're off to a great start! I'm proud of us!"
THRIFF / ARFUR / GRUBBA / GUS / DEYN / MAI: On Buffet
"So how does this work?" Mai laughed, eyeing an ice cream sundae topped with cherries, whipped cream, and mint. "No hands, huh?"
"Just dig in!" Deyn advised. Her lower face was smeared with cherry mascarpone cheesecake. "I checked my dignity at the door!"
Shy Guy waiters replaced half-eaten dishes with new ones. Grubba returned to the buffet and found his dessert area replenished. His next exploration, a cheese-and-cherry strudel, yielded another game token, but he failed to stop on any cherries.
"This here's why I didn't rely on Lady Luck for success in the biz! Only gal that ain't my fan!"
Thriff surfaced from a double-crust cherry walnut pie with a token and hopped the balustrade to the slot machines. He arbitrarily stopped the reels and was rewarded with noise, color, and a clue. Moments later, Arfur rose from a lattice-top cherry-blueberry pie and did similarly. Seeing this, Gus savagely tore through his cherry tiramisu.
"We're lactose-intolerant," Gus said. "A little bit of dairy and BAM, we're done for. But I was like, to heck with it, and I went at that buffet like nobody's business. My body hated me later, but every second counts, y'know?"
Gus pulled a glimmering token from a flambéed white chocolate cherry parfait. Streamers and confetti erupted from his slot machine, and he raced his winnings over to Garf.
PLENN & THRIFF: Currently in 4th Place
SWINDELL & ARFUR: Currently in 5th Place
GARF & GUS: Currently in 6th Place
"Nice job, fella!" Plenn clapped Thriff on the back. "By the by, you've got a little something on your 'stache."
"Aye. Rations I'm saving for later."
"What a messy eater." Plenn grabbed some napkins. "Haven't seen this since we were kids. Here little bro, let me help—"
"Cut it out, no—"
Thriff wiggled away, causing Plenn to brilliantly smear pie all over Thriff's face and collar. Nearby racers cracked up, Plenn included.
"Gee, thanks. I've always wanted a pie facial." Thriff sighed good-humoredly and opened the clue.
Within a minute after those three teams left the casino, the Toad girls cashed in. Deyn vigorously wiped cherry torte from her face.
LAKI & MAI: Currently in 7th Place
TALLY & DEYN: Currently in 8th Place
"Cherry red velvet is to die for!" Mai said as she opened the clue. "Ahhhh… This secluded casino would be perfect for a romantic rendezvous!" She gave the camera an aside glance with big doe eyes. "I love the thought of it! I love this place!"
Goom Goom cleared the rivers and grabbed his team's backpacks.
"Zis is hard!" Bobolink wailed. She teetered the last few feet across the log bridge and looked helplessly at the logs drifting by on the second river. "Svob, how did you cross?!"
"You can do it, SHA-YAM!"
"Valkink runvay in high heels harder than valkink log bridge in shoes. Zat vas easy part," Bobolink said. "Second river vas givink everyone problems."
Screaming like a banshee, Bobolink hopped, skipped, and jumped. She crashed unceremoniously onto the riverbank, where her timbre shifted to one of celebration.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 11th Place
"Hooray, good job Linka!" Swob cheered. "You visualized and you conquered, SHA-SHACKITY!" They shared a quick smooch.
"Someone must build real bridges. Zat vas ridiculous. Roadblock. 'Who vants ze cherry on top?' "
"Boy, that sure sounds dirty, SHA-POP!"
Bobolink grimaced. "All yours."
"Departure time on the line and it comes down to chance," Thriff muttered. "Avast!" He tried grabbing an Ace Coin featuring two Toad heads—those of Tally and Deyn. It inexplicably eluded his grasp. "Argh, false alarm."
With only three 6:00 AM slots remaining, the urgency escalated as the orange and pink teams joined the hunt.
"Looks like the pressure's on." Plenn strafed down a row.
Swindell suddenly made a break for the board, followed seconds later by Mai.
SWINDELL & ARFUR: 4th on 6:00 AM Departure
LAKI & MAI: 5th on 6:00 AM Departure
"Yes!" Laki caught up to Mai. They traded double-hand high-fives with Swindell and Arfur.
"Crud, one spot left! Now's the time to panic!" Gus' stomach rumbled in agreement.
"Maybe not." Garf swiped one of their Ace Coins and sprinted to the back wall. Tally quickly found one for her team, but couldn't make up Garf's head start.
GARF & GUS: Last on 6:00 AM Departure
"Finally. Now to find a bathroom," Gus muttered.
The remaining two teams were automatically sentenced to the second group.
"Seconds too late. How unfortunate," Tally sighed. Deyn hugged her in consolation.
TALLY & DEYN: 1st on 6:30 AM Departure
PLENN & THRIFF: 2nd on 6:30 AM Departure
"At least we aren't last, right fella?" Plenn placed their Ace Coin. They glanced at the "LAST TEAM" designation and nearby pit stop setup.
"Aye. But there's something amiss with these numbers," Thriff pointed out. "If last is still thirteenth, someone wasn't axed at the starting line."
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 12th Place
"Ah, bonjour mademoiselle!" Dupree flitted over to the Birdo and flirted. "Did you see? I braved zee rageeng rapidz of love on zee road into your aorta!"
"D-Man, priorities," Goom Goom reminded. "Hazard danger here! Up next we got a Roadblock."
"Say no more! I shall pull us from zis precarious position! Allons-y! (Sub.: Let's go!)"
DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson
Dour hobbled forward, hopped, and landed on a log. He hopped once more…and fell short, into the river. The rainbow appeared over the waterfall as he landed back at square one.
"This isn't looking good." Darkly rubbed at his temples.
GRUBBA / DRAK: On Buffet
A camera panned up Drak's skeletal body to his head, which was hovering in midair. Sour cherry pudding cake filling oozed down his jaw, but most of the food made its way down. Somehow. He noisily snarfed some cherry meringue bites.
Grubba mowed through a cherry cobbler, then a berry-cherry English trifle, which yielded a token. He hollered and charged back to the slots. Three cherries finally fell into place.
GOLDY & GRUBBA: Currently in 9th Place
"Bam!" Grubba reveled in imaginary applause as confetti rained down, his voice booming over the bells and whistles. "Guess Lady Luck finally surrendered!" He collected Goldy at the entrance.
Goldy stared incredulously at the layer of food caked on his face. "Why is eating without your hands such a big problem for all you people?"
"This here sounds ingenious! I bet my haaaandsome face looks diggety-dang dynamite immortalized on a bronze coin!"
SWOB: On Buffet
"It must have taken small army to make all this food, SHA-WHAM!" Swob smashed his face into a pistachio, cherry, and chocolate tart. "Enough here for circus, SHA-CRASH!" He turned his attention to a lattice-top rhubarb cherry pie. "Great for playing tic-tac-toe too, SHA-BLAM!"
DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson
Dour stepped down from the bridge, loped to the bank, and jumped. He splash-landed in the river again.
"The mind was willing, but the flesh was weak." Dour fiddled with his cane. "My greatest fear is growing decrepit and becoming a burden to my family. It was a nightmare unraveling right in front of me."
"My knees are creaking in protest right now…" Dour sighed, frustrated, and looked across the Twin Rivers to Darkly.
"Quitting and taking a penalty wasn't an option. I didn't reach where I am in life by being a quitter."
"This is as far as you'll go?" the Birdo asked. Darkly didn't respond.
"I had to finish. I wouldn't let my grandson down."
Dour vaulted to a log segment and leapt to the next, balancing himself with his cane. With the precipice fast approaching, he hurled himself toward the riverbank and tumbled onto grass. Darkly rushed over. The Birdo applauded.
"I…I made it?" Dour patted the ground in wonder.
"Yeah." Darkly yanked Dour to his feet. "I'm proud of you, Gramps. We're still in this!"
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place
" 'Who wants the cherry on top?' " Darkly stared at the clue. "If I do this, please let it be something that can get us out of last."
"All thirteen teams did the river-crossing challenge," Darkly said. "Everyone expected the last team to finish the starting line challenge to be eliminated. They weren't. I had a bad feeling. That meant it was probably a mid-leg elimination instead."
DRAK & CRIMSON: Currently in 10th Place
DUPREE & GOOM GOOM: Currently in 11th Place
Drak and Dupree extracted tokens from a cherry galette and a cherry amaretto tart, respectively, and obtained clue envelopes.
"Zees buffet eez trés magnifique!" Dupree exclaimed, blowing an air kiss back toward it as they departed.
SWOB: On Buffet
"Nyet, SHA-DOOM!" Swob's slot machine showed two cherries and a star. "Rigged games make me want to explode, SHA-PLOOM! I am feeling full, SHA-DOOF!" He retreated to the buffet and demolished a platter of tart cherry mini pockets with brie.
DARKLY: 2/5 Cherries
"Pickings are sparse." Darkly gestured to his basket. "Most of the closer cherries have probably already been taken."
SWOB: On Buffet
Swob dug deep into a sour cherry sorbet, but found nothing. He then ravaged a scoop of cherry-chocolate chunk ice cream and unearthed a token.
"This time's the charm, SHA-CHINK!"
Swob returned to a slot machine and kissed it for luck. He inserted the token, stopped the reels, and took a streamer to the face.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Currently in 12th Place
"I got it Linka, SHA-BOOMITY!" Swob announced. Bobolink dragged the duffel bags over, and they quickly read the clue.
DARKLY: 5/5 Cherries
Darkly arrived back at Cherrymaster Casino just as the dating Bob-ombs exited. They jogged eastward, Bobolink displaying discomfort at the duffel bag bouncing against her side.
"Now that's something, someone just left," Dour said. "We have a beacon of hope."
Darkly unzipped his hoodie and stashed his bandana as he ran for the buffet. He stopped at the nearest table and devoured a chunk of cherry cheesecake frozen yogurt.
"Not there…" Squinting under the brain freeze, he scanned about, as if searching for something.
He made an abrupt beeline for the drink table, awkwardly took a glass in his mouth by the rim, and inverted it. A choco-cherry smoothie avalanche doused him. Undeterred, he wiped the thick liquid from his vision and repeated with some cherry lemonade. His face took the brunt of the acidic splash.
"Gah, agh, ow…" He hissed, holding his sleeve over his eyes. "Not my brightest idea…"
When he recovered, he cautiously took hold of another glass and flipped it. Cherry berry smoothie splattered all over him as a token landed on his face. Relieved, he headed to a slot machine and lined up three cherries.
DOUR & DARKLY: Currently in Last Place
"Stellar job Darkly, we're right on their fuses now!" Dour said.
Darkly, hair and clothes sticky and dripping wet, quickly ripped open the clue. " '—the last team may be eliminated.' "
"Oh, badness. I was afraid of that."
Darkly wiped his face with his bandana and put on both of their backpacks. "It's a cave. That's our element. We just need to get there. Run as fast as you can, Gramps. Like there's a monster after you."
"Like Doopliss with his piggifying spell. Got it."
"Uh…sure."
SWOB & BOBOLINK: Dating On/Off
The brown team entered and surveyed the remaining 245 Ace Coins. On the far wall, the departure board already contained ones for Goldy and Grubba, Drak and Crimson, and Dupree and Goom Goom.
"All this floating money, money, money for taking!" Swob exclaimed. "We should take the money and run, SHA-PAFF!"
"Focus, Svob!" Bobolink snapped. "Ve are fightink to avoid last! All zese searchink tasks! Find pig. Find food. Find coin. Ugh!"
Diligently, they combed the first few rows.
"I see Nora and Inna!" Swob exclaimed, indicating Northa and Inngrid's other Ace Coin.
"Da, zat stands out. You cover zis half, I cover zere!"
DOUR & DARKLY: Grandfather/Grandson
Darkly dropped their backpacks against the cave wall. "Us, them, and last place. Hurry Gramps, this is our chance!"
Though winded, Dour shuffled quickly to the far side of the grid and began scanning. Bobolink suddenly made a break for the rear, Ace Coin in tow.
SWOB & BOBOLINK: 6th on 6:30 AM Departure
"You found it!" Swob dashed over, spun her around, and kissed her. "Safe to explode another day, SHA-BLAMMO!"
Darkly frowned and regarded the Ace coin tucked under his arm. He looked across the cave to Dour, who'd just located their second one. They shared a look of mutual disbelief and disappointment before dragging their feet over to the board.
"Age? What?" Dour joked in a pre-show interview, cupping a hand near his ear area. "Age is but a number." In a post-leg interview he continued, "I defied expectations when I finally crossed that river. I certainly surpassed my own. Who'd expect an old man with a cane to do that? I'll never forget the moment I hit the other side. It hurt like a dickens."
Dour placed his coin into the "LAST TEAM" slot. Nearby, Miles took his position behind the mat and beckoned them over.
DOUR & DARKLY: Last on 6:30 AM Departure
"My, how the mighty have fallen," Dour said, resting on his cane.
"I wasn't expecting to be chatting with you two." Miles smiled ruefully. "Dour and Darkly? You're the last team at this point of the Race."
Dour nodded resignedly. Darkly stared soberly at his feet.
"And I'm sorry to tell you…that you now also have to deal with the new Hazard penalty."
"What?!" they exclaimed simultaneously.
Miles launched into the same spiel he'd given Dupree and Goom Goom.
"We dropped from first to last in one task," Darkly said in an individual interview. "Yeah. That doesn't bode well. Another physical challenge might appear when Gramps is by himself. Our days are numbered."
"We survive to continue the adventure." Dour sighed in relief and hugged Darkly. Unaccustomed to affection, Darkly awkwardly patted Dour's back.
"Realistically, our chances look rather bleak," Dour said in a joint interview. "I'm under no illusions about my shortcomings. The Hazard and the surprise elimination could be our undoing. But I believe we could become a dark horse. I'm enjoying myself, and I'll fight to stay."
After Dour and Darkly's arrival, the full cast was transported to the Village of the Ninji, a secluded settlement in a mountain-enclosed forest, for their overnight rest, allowing Roadblock participants to clean their faces and change clothes. More importantly, the racers finally had a chance to properly meet their competitors.
"It's so great to finally meet you two!" Deyn hugged Northa in greeting. "We've been calling you The Bombshells!"
"We call you Pretty in Pink," Northa said. They double-cheek kissed and giggled delightedly.
"I call all of you gorgeous, honh honh!" Dupree exclaimed with gusto. "I'm—"
"We know who you are," Tally and Inngrid said coolly. They traded surprised glances, smiled, and led their chattering teammates away. Dupree slumped over.
"Boyfriend? Goodness, no," Tally said. "He staked out the hotel lobby several days in a row. His dedication was somewhat flattering, I suppose. Security escorted him away the day he attempted to woo me with French love songs."
"He appeared at inn one night and followed me like light fuse," Inngrid said, shuddering, "spouting nonsense in bizarre accent and bad cologne, da. I gave him kick into snow. Could not leave for days. He stood outside like creeper. Very traumatic memory."
"Hi, my name's Laki and I'm a railfan!"
"Hello, I'm Mai, and I'm also a railfan! It's not an addiction." Mai paused. "Well, maybe it is."
"I don't ever want to be cured!" Laki cried. They broke into hysterical laughter. Grubba joined in heartily. Thriff just looked confused.
Goldy hopped over to Grubba's side. "Someone admit these two bozos. They're crazy!"
Grubba looked at her. Goldy's bulging eyes lolled in their standard cross-eyed look. "You ain't lookin' so sane yerself!" He chuckled and whapped her good-naturedly on the back, sending her flying.
"MEOOOOOoooorrk…!"
"I'm a big fight fan and Prince Mush supporter," Thriff said. "Grubba was a popular hero back when I was a kid. But the Glitz Pit scandal really ruined his image. He's…a surprisingly likable fella in person, but I can't forget that he's a dangerous criminal. He's gotta go."
"Vhat?! No makeup kit?!" Bobolink cried in disbelief. "You are unprepared for cameras! Unacceptable! I must fix you!"
Bobolink reached into her duffel bag's side pocket and retrieved a black travel kit. She pulled out some Bombshell Beauty Link™ brand foundation, blush, eyeliner, and a particularly stunning shade of red lipstick, and began beautifying Crimson's skull.
Goldy crash-landed near the group's feet. Neither Bobolink nor Crimson reacted, but Drak stepped in front of her.
"Wait your turn… I am next for this demonstration of modern-day war preparations…"
Goldy stared at him, then at Crimson, who was being transformed into an undead clown.
"I need a drink," Goldy muttered.
"Our association with the Shadow Queen could unite these lowly mortals against us," Crimson said. "That sliver of our backgrounds shall remain buried."
"A youth fountain doesn't change that I'm not as young and spry as I used to be," Dour said.
"Precisely," Eve said. "You overcame that physically grueling challenge regardless. Everyone at home will be so proud, Mayor."
Dour and Eve sat at a table. Arfur, Darkly, Garf, Goom Goom, Plenn, and Podley stood nearby, trading modified anecdotes of their experiences so far. Swindell, enraptured by the Ninji troupe practicing stunts in the central clearing, was only party involved in the conversation. Perched above them all, Flo listened and observed, unnoticed.
"I thought you guys were done for," Garf said. "What's the penalty? An extra challenge?"
Goom Goom explained the Hazard's new mechanics in truthful detail, to Darkly's chagrin.
"We don't want to get involved with alliances," Swindell said. "That's like handing over a knife and painting a bull's-eye on your back. Catch is, two of the Robbo Gang are here. I know them personally, and I know they need the money just as bad as we do. They'd be strong allies and strong opponents. Tough call."
"I'm not a fan of the Pianta Syndicate-Robbo Gang war," Plenn said. "It's bad for business, especially when my inventory goes missing in the middle of the night. Thieves are a shop owner's worst enemy. I'll try not to let these past wrongs cloud my judgment, but I make no promises."
"I see many familiar faces here," Podley said. "I've worked next door to Plenn and Thriff for years. Arfur, Swindell, and the Robbos occasionally visit my bar. Goom Goom was a former regular. Add to it all that Eve knows Dour, and I, Darkly, and our team is the epicenter of pre-game relationships. All positive, for the most part. Question is, how will they impact our race, if at all?"
During dinner, the Village of the Ninjis' NEStars, the Ninji troupe that featured in the Twin Rivers demonstration, presented several propless vignettes themed around Subcon's seven worlds. They were a hit with the teams. When they'd finished, the empty stage gave someone an idea.
"Please, Eve?" Mai clasped her hands together pleadingly. "I've always wanted to see a Broadshroom performance!"
"I don't know…" Eve said tensely.
"Please? It'd be a once-in-a-lifetime thing for some of us. Come on everyone, let's give her some encouragement! Eve, Eve, Eve!" Mai gesticulated wildly and soon had everyone chanting Eve's name and clapping or banging the tables.
Relenting, Eve sighed and stood. She pulled Podley's chair out and beckoned for him to follow.
Podley's thick glasses didn't hide his deer-in-headlights look. "Wait, why must I go up with you?" he whispered.
"Remember my part that never was?" Eve extended a hand. "I need a male lead."
"You want to perform from that?" Growing panic blanched Podley's face an even lighter shade of green. "Keep in mind there's a reason I didn't share your success."
Everyone had added Podley's name to the chant, oblivious to the history underlying the couple's quiet, rapid conversation.
"There are no biased casting directors here. Just friends, new and old," Eve said. "Do it for me?"
Podley exhaled slowly. He took her hand.
"I had my reservations about being here, away from my husband and sons, alone with my ex," Eve said. "I was a wreck for a long time after Podley left me. He was my first love, and he represents everything I lost from that stage of my life. I'd found true happiness in my current one. What good would revisiting that pain do?"
Eve belted the haunting chorus of the most famous song from Phanto of the Opera. Her crisp voice overflowed with passion and vibrato. Podley reprised his role from audition preparations in years past, singing the male lines and accompanying on an upright piano.
"It's just so deep, man!" Emotional tears streamed down Mai's face. Laki offered napkins, but her hands were occupied clasping those of Tally and Deyn in rapture.
As the last note faded away, Eve mouthed something indecipherable to Podley. Their audience thanked them with a standing ovation. Eve and Podley joined hands at center stage and bowed.
"I never performed that song for a live audience until tonight," Eve said. "Doing it with Podley gave me some catharsis I didn't even know I needed. It wasn't Broadshroom, but I'll treasure this memory just the same." She paused, smiling softly. "We reconnected a little on that stage. Our relationship can never be what it was back then, but I'm optimistic that it will be something equally precious."
Later in the evening, Dour and Eve convened with their partners in a secluded part of the forest.
"I would like to propose a loose alliance," Dour said.
"Oh, I've been considering this possibility myself," Eve said. "Thank goodness we're on the same page. We could call ourselves Team Twilight! Podley?"
Podley's face was unreadable. "...Sure."
The red and lavender teams spent a few minutes establishing foundations before heading back separately to avoid suspicion.
"I don't think casting our lot with the Golden Oldies is good for our game," Darkly said. "They're nice people with great singing voices. That doesn't make them reliable allies. It's too early to tell what kind of racers they are. This is their first time seeing each other in years."
"Is our case not similar?"
"We're blood. They're old flames. It's different."
"Valid concerns," Dour nodded, "but not all teams have the benefit of a preexisting link to another. Eve and I both survived The Cursed Piggification, and I've known her for years. We'd be wise to get any help we can against the Hazard."
Huffing, Darkly closed his eyes. "Okay. We'll go with it. For now."
"Mayor Dour's jurisdiction partly extends to the Crow community," Maude said. "Our leaders have pushed some policies and regulations through his office, so he knows of our true nature. The threat of anyone exposing us jeopardizes our ability to fly under the radar, so it's in our best interest that he is eliminated ASAP."
Meanwhile, two other teams privately discussed their own alliance plans.
"In Fahr Outpost, everyone knows everyone!" Swob said. "Nora and Inna are my childhood friends too, SHA-FOOM! Natural to work together, da!"
"We are Quadrubomb Squad, SHA-BOOM!" Swob exclaimed. Bobolink shushed him.
"You already have name?" Northa said, amused. "Your creativity always gives me laughs."
"We do not chain selves together, da?" Inngrid said. "Flexibility is good." The others agreed.
"Tabloids post Linka's celebrity life," Inngrid said. "She blows up at slight provocation and stabs key into your back. We give her money for new shoe line, but we do not give her trust."
Goom Goom swayed back and forth in a hammock, eyes closed. On the other side of the wooden hut, Dupree was already asleep.
"This double elimination won't screw us over," Goom Goom said. "Come tomorrow, we're gonna be the comeback kids. Just watch."
End of EPISODE 1.1
Easter Eggs
- 1,000 origami pigs acknowledges the Thousand-Year Door and the game's paper aspect. Seven shelves and seventy correct pigs is a callback to the seven Crystal Stars.
- In Super Mario Bros. 2, collecting five Cherries causes a Starman to appear.
- 256 Ace Coins plays off of Wart's 8-Bit Army; there are 256 possible values for 8-bit data units. Two correct Ace Coins per team references the binary digit system.
Author's Notes (4/27/16): This extended premiere episode introduces the teams without skimping on tasks; Part 2 has the Detour and a second Roadblock. I like nonlinear legs and giving the first boots a "full" Race experience.