Little Thing Called Impulsion
Summary: When Biff could not stand Joshua's nosiness, he does the most unexpected. JoshuaBiff. One-shot.
Disclaimer: Lamb belongs to Christopher Moore. No suing please. Thank you.
A/N: Longed to do this fic. This is for the 2 of my classmates who beguiled me to read this book and I never regretted it.
Okay so Biff has the patience like a black hole when it comes to his best friend's rather obnoxious queries. Yes, he loves Joshua but he has this tendency to be dense when it comes to the passions of sinning. Of course, Josh's the Son of God and he was already destined to live a life of hell. You know… abstinence to worldly pleasures such as women. How… paradoxical. Well, only in Biff's opinion. Sometimes a thought comes to mind that what if he were to be the Son of God. Well, God will be a moron and a blind man to do that, but just what if? It gives Biff the shudders. But let us not get into that in this moment. Let's turn towards one of those numerous nightly sessions Joshua and Biff would usually have.
"You know Biff, I think you're going too much." Joshua said as he sat beside a lying Biff. His best friend gave him a look of utter questioning. Every night, they would lapse into this kind of conversation. Joshua the ever scolding teen that he is and Biff who will forever be on the receiving end, its an endless cycle since they've know each other.
"Josh, man, look you are my best friend and I respect your opinion," Biff said as he flailed a handful of gestures while still lying down. "But please for once, let us not get into my sexcapades with Joy and the other girls. I'm not digging in your intimate time with Balthazar."
"Well I'm not doing anything wrong." Joshua countered and considered Biff's plea. "Okay so let's not delve into your uh, salacious larks."
"Good." Biff replied and tucked his hands behind his head. He was already praying for sleep to come.
"So which of the girls do you prefer to do it with?"
The question was surprisingly remarked Biff's eyes flew open and he sat up with a bolt making his vision go dizzy. "What did you say Josh?"
"Don't make me repeat it, Biff." Joshua said as he returned Biff's stare.
Biff took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose which was very unlikely of him to do. Josh was infuriating yet somehow, one way or another he will answer his best friend's questions in the frankest of ways. Geez, he has to talk to Balthazar tomorrow. It seems that the magus's teachings aren't going directly to The Messiah's head.
"I thought we made it clear that you wouldn't be concerned on my sex life at least for this night?" Biff asked as he faced Joshua on his bed.
"We won't be talking about that, idiot."
"So what is it about my sex life that doesn't look entirely considered as related to sex?"
"I'm talking about… ", Joshua paused for a moment and decided to use to more modest term he could think. "… about the styles."
"Styles?" Biff asked with confusion then slowly it dawned on him the meaning of 'styles.'
Recognizing that his best friend already got the gist of his question, Joshua raised a brow. "So?"
Biff blinked then got this surprised look. "I believe you already got over with the details of my affairs a long time ago."
Joshua shrugged in return. "Once in a while wouldn't hurt, you know." Then turning into this serious and rather excited look he urged his best friend. "Tell me now, come on."
Biff looked rather dubious on disclosing his current affairs with Joshua. Of course he could do that before. That was before. Those girls he did it with where considered one-night stands. But now regarding his nightly activities with Balthazar's concubines can be quite disparaging. Tomorrow, when Joshua and he walk towards the hallway they will encounter those girls and just what will his best friend say? He knows Joshua has this inclination to get on your conscience with just a single and innocuous remark. Joy and the girls will definitely kill him for that and worst, his sex life will turn into the extension of the Gobi desert.
"The girls are different from the whores we've paid for, Josh." Biff said, succumbing to Joshua's big, curious and pleading eyes.
"How so?"
"Well, let's just say culture breeds different styles for passion and lust alike."
"Okaaayyy," Joshua drawled as he digested what Biff said. "Do you still kiss?"
"Kiss?"
"Yeah, I mean lip lock."
Well come to think of it, they seldom do, Biff thought solemnly. It's purely lust and lust alone that he does it with the girls. Hey, you can't blame him; he has a rather insatiable need for some nightly loving. "I know what 'kiss' means, Josh. Yeah, sometimes we do it."
"How does it feel?"
"Feels like a kiss." Biff answered dryly.
"Do you like it?"
"Of course, I wouldn't do it I didn't."
"But why do you not often do it?"
"I don't know. It just doesn't come within the circumstances, you know."
"Do you use your tongue?"
Biff's eyes went large. "Now just where did you get that idea?"
"I don't know."
"I don't believe you." Biff said with an exaggerated skeptical look. He knew that his best friend was up to something.
"Then don't believe me. Just answer my question."
"Yes we do sometimes."
Joshua nodded in understanding then with a rather shy tone he asked, "Did you and Maggie do it, too?"
"Which one?" Biff replied automatically with a lazy grin. So that's what it is.
Joshua gave a rather heavy punch on Biff's cheek. "You know what I mean."
"No I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"No I don't."
"Yes, you do."
"Okay! Just stop!" Biff said in exasperation as he raised his hands in mock surrender. "We did it Josh, how many times do I have to tell you that?"
"I don't know. It's just that sometimes I think I'm just imagining everything. About you and Maggie, I mean."
"So you're jealous?"
Joshua frowned. "It's not that, idiot. Its… it's just that… mayb—"
But Joshua hasn't finished his sentence when Biff pushed him backwards to the bed and kissed him on the lips heavily. Of course for The Messiah of all people would not know what to do in this kind of situation.
As for Biff, he didn't know what possessed him to do this but at the back of his mind, he thought he wanted this to happen. Oh geez, the punishment will forever be beyond his imagination.
He kissed Joshua hard on the lips, their bodies pressed together on the soft mattress. Suddenly, Biff felt Joshua's lips move against his own and confidence brewed him to continue and deepen the kiss further. With his right hand he cupped Joshua's cheek while the other lowered to the slender waist. As Biff moved his lips against Joshua, he was already fully aroused, no wonder The Messiah squirmed beneath him as his erection pressed against his best friends thigh.
"Mmm…B-Biff," Joshua uttered while Biff ravished his lips. "I-I can't… b-breathe…."
Hearing this made Biff jumped away from his best friend like he was bearing a plague or something. Joshua sat up and from his disheveled look, well… forget it. Biff was staring at Joshua, not able to form any coherent thought for the moment. What have he done?
He just had this urge to kiss his best friend! Biff's face turned red instantly. He may now be consigned into the fires of hell for what he's done but compared to a woman kissing Josh would be more fatal, isn't it? After all, the pretty angel said Josh would be prohibited of any woman's touch. He's a guy and that seraphim didn't say anything against it and… he's rationalizing, he's turning crazy, no he's turning into a faggot. Fuck. Damn.
"You're turning into what?" That question made Biff jumped again, his heartbeat racing. Had he said that out loud? Geez. Oh yeah before he forgot, he closed his eyes tightly and waited.
"What are you doing?" Joshua asked as he unconsciously touched his lips. So that's what it feels like to be kissed.
"Why isn't it coming yet?" Biff inquired to no one as he opened an eye.
"What is coming?" Joshua asked again.
"I'm talking about your father's capital punishment or something." Biff explained. "You know, you're father up there just might smite me any minute so forg—"
"He won't smite you." Joshua said reassuringly.
"He won't?" Biff questioned as he fully opened both eyes. Well, if The Savior said so, then he—
"He'll castrate you and throw you in the deepest sea. Add to that will be your mother's rants."
Biff snorted at the joke and retorted dryly. "Very funny, Josh. One more and I'm going to explode with laughter."
Joshua gave his best friend an 'its okay' grin and that made Biff swallow his further questions as to why no thunderbolt nor strong wind has come to pick him up yet. Then Biff turned pink and avoided Joshua's piercing gaze.
"Listen Josh, I know that I did something wrong but I swea—"
"Its okay, Biff. You didn't do it on purpose, isn't it? Or did you?"
"NO!" Biff shouted then composed himself, cheeks turning redder. "No! I mean, it's just… just an accident."
"Actually it felt… nice." Joshua considered. Biff stared at him like he was turning to an ogre or something. "Hmm… you tasted like coffee for that matter."
"Coffee!" Biff repeated with shock. He knows Josh was addicted to coffee.
"I think it's okay if we do—"
"Oh no! No, Josh. Please I'm a man, don't turn me into a fag, okay?" Biff reasoned out.
"What? I'm not yet finished. And what's a 'fag'?" Joshua said.
"I'm going to sleep. Go to your bed now, Josh." With that Biff turned to his side and lied down, closing his eyes. "Get some sleep, you'll forget that in the morning."
Joshua didn't think he will forget it by tomorrow but decided to follow Biff's advice and went to his bed. Turning to the door he stopped and looked back at his 'sleeping' best friend.
"Aren't you going to conside—"
"No Josh, no. I'm not going to consider anything." Biff interrupted.
Joshua gave a cheeky grin knowing that Biff was already too pissed off and embarrassed about what happened. Hmm, maybe he would just get a cup of coffee tonight.
END
A/N: Anyone out there? Review? Thank you and uh, do have a nice day.