Hello people of the World Wide Web! This is the rewrite of the first chapter of Ger-ald and the Cousland! If you're a long time reader of this fic, then you already know what's in store for future chapters, but I have altered a few scenes so it's fresh for you, as you'll soon see… (Muahahahaha!) If you are new to this fic, be warned, Ger-ald is NOT some goody two shoes dragon born, he will do whatever his demented mind wants, which involves murder, face smashing, and probably cannibalism (probably). And no, the slash in the name isn't an error, you'll see why in the future. Also, I just came off of watching shows like Berserk, and Game of Thrones, so don't expect everyone in this adventure to survive. ON WITH THE FIC.
"No, I don't want to become one of you. Leave me out of this."
"I don't take no for an answer!"
"Father no! leave him be!"
Boredom.
That was all he had left besides roasting the occasional feral, or slaughtering all the local wildlife. That local wildlife mostly being comprised of small, helpless bunny rabbits. Oh how he missed the olden days when bandits were dumb enough to attack him, where the local wolf population wasn't so low, when dragons attacked him every other day, and most of all, he missed adventuring.
Ger-ald has done it all. Everything to do in Skyrim was done. Ger-ald cleared every dungeon, learned every word of power, found all of those damn dragon masks, and killed what he liked to call, the big three.
"Miraak, Harkon, and Alduin." Ger-ald mused from his throne.
By Talos, Volkihar has only gotten bloodier with him ruling over it. The walls and floor were painted with blood. He may drink the stuff, but that doesn't mean he liked it as paint.
"Sir? You're doing it again." Vingalmo stated from his seat.
"I'll do it for as long as I damn well please. Do you have anything for me today?" Ger-ald asked the high elf.
"Well, there is the feral that tried to steal our thralls yesterday, I assume that you want to paint the walls with his blood?" Vingalmo said, wiping some blood off of his lips.
"Why not? I have nothing better to do besides sit here and think about my bunny slaughtering days." Ger-ald said.
"You still slaughter them sir, and you steal their souls at that." Vingalmo said.
"Just bring in the damn feral so we can get this over with." Ger-ald said.
"Okay then, and sir, please refrain from breaking any furniture, we are getting tired of having to go out and get more." Vingalmo said.
"Oh, I'm sorry Vingalmo, I thought this was MY castle. I will break whatever I please, and if you keep giving me lip, you'll be next!" Ger-ald threatened.
"Lady Serana would be very displeased at this sir." Vingalmo said, his bright eyes widening.
"You think that Serry would give a damn what I do to any of you? I'm surprised she hasn't killed you all herself!" Ger-ald said, laughing.
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…
…
"So, you're the little turd that tried to rob me of my blood fountains." Ger-ald said, glaring at the lowly vampire.
Truly a feral, this vampire looked savage, he wore brown ragged robes, and he appeared to once be a nord before his transformation.
"Please forgive me… had I known that YOU were the one ruling this castle, I wouldn't have even had the thought of trying to steal your thralls. How was I supposed to know that this was the castle of the Dragonborn?" The feral said.
"The question, you little stain, is how did you NOT know who ruled this castle? Really, I feel even more insulted now." Ger-ald said, rising from his throne.
The feral nearly jumped back in fear. Ger-ald slowly made his way towards the feral, said vampire straining against his bonds. Ger-ald pulled out his sword and approached him. The vampire was quaking with fear, and eventually backed up into a wall. The dragonborn put his sword up to his bonds and cut the rope. The feral looked shocked.
"Does this mean you'll let me go?" The feral asked.
"I'm afraid not, Lord Gerald likes it when his victims struggle." Vingalmo said.
"What!?" The feral yelled.
Ger-ald then sheathed his sword. He grinned madly under his Daedric helmet. He raised his fist, and brought it down upon the vampire's face, knocking him down to the ground. Was this it? Was this all the feral had to offer?
"Get up and fight me!" Ger-ald yelled.
"Don't kill me please!" The feral pleaded.
What a disappointment.
Ger-ald then picked up the feral by the throat and carried him over to one of the tables.
"Look at this Vingalmo!" Ger-ald yelled, slamming the feral down in the middle of the table.
Splinters of wood flew everywhere, and the feral lay there, not quite dead yet. Ger-ald raised his armored boot over the feral's chest, and stomped down hard, cracking a few of its ribs.
"Still not dead yet huh?" Ger-ald asked, leaning more of his weight on his victim.
The feral screams echoed throughout the mostly empty halls of Volkihar. Ger-ald then removed his foot from the feral's chest.
"Get up, and kneel." Ger-ald said.
The feral did nothing but lay there, breathing in as much air as he could muster.
"Fine then, I'll help you." Ger-ald said grabbing him by the throat.
He put him into a kneeling position, and put each hand on each of the feral's cheeks.
"Your skin is so smooth for a vampire… you're one of the lucky ones, you retained your mortal features; same as me. And your eyes… So shiny for a feral." Ger-ald said, putting a thumb over each of the lesser vampire's eyes.
"No… Please don't." The feral said.
"Sorry, but I have to make an example for all the other dumb vampires looking to steal my food." Ger-ald said.
Ger-ald then stabbed his thumbs into the vampire's eyes. The screams were horrific enough for the other clan members of Volkihar to awaken and see what all the fuss was about. When they came to the throne room, they saw Ger-ald gouging out the eyes of that vampire.
Ger-ald then twisted the feral's head to the left until he heard a satisfying crack. He removed his thumbs from the lesser vampire's skull, and wiped them off on its dead body. Ger-ald let out a sigh, it just wasn't the same as killing an enemy that was a challenge.
Ger-ald walked away from the corpse, and sat down in his throne. The other vampires were all gawking at him, and he didn't like it.
"If you want to be next, keep staring!" Ger-ald yelled.
The vampires then scurried off to their coffins, save for Vingalmo.
"Why don't you be a good hell spawn and clean up that mess over there?" Ger-ald said.
Vingalmo said nothing, he went over to the corpse, and burnt the body to ashes. Ger-ald didn't hide his disdain for his fellow vampires, he despised them as much as he despised frostbite spiders. That was saying something. Dirty little bastards…
Ger-ald was done with Tamriel, and Nirn as a whole. He knew of a way he could leave, but he had to make sure that there wasn't anything else that he needed to do in this world. Dragons were still out and about, but most of them avoid the settlements, and barely any of them ever attack him anymore. The last dragon attack that he could remember was half a year ago, and it was a disappointing fight.
It was a frost breathing dragon, and being half nord, it barely affected him. It was damn cold though.
The other half was Vingalmos race, the high elves. Honestly, he hated both of these races equally, and found great joy in slaughtering the Thalmor by the bakers dozen.
Ger-ald made up his mind. He was leaving Nirn, but he had a few things to prepare for first. What was it… ah, a will and testament. Ger-ald left the throne room and entered his personal chambers, the gray stone floor now bore blood red footprints, and his personal coffin looked… less than pristine. He walked over to a small round table, and pulled his feather pen out of the inkwell. Ger-ald pulled up a chair, and got himself a few sheets of paper.
This was going to be a LONG will and testament.
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…
…
Well, my dearest friends and not so dearest friends, this is my will and testament, and you may be asking yourselves 'Oh where has our precious Gerald gone?' Well, I left, and I will never return to Tamriel. Don't even bother sending someone to look for me, even that blasted courier wouldn't be able to find me where I am going. This will and testament will not only decree as to where my remaining personal belongings will go, but is also a final angry rant against everyone that I hate. Well, let us start things off.
Nazeem, I just want to say, that you are a pompous ass. The only reason why I haven't killed you, is because I feel sorry for you. The reason you insulted me every day while I was in Whiterun was because you were jealous. I was everything you couldn't be, strong, noble, courageous, and devilishly handsome. Not only that, but you must have noticed that I DO in fact get to the cloud district often, probably more than you do, and I have more gold and jewels than you will ever have in your lifetime. Hate-Gerald.
Radiant Raiment girls, you know nothing of class. That is all.
To Aela the huntress, I leave Auriel's bow. I know what you're thinking. 'There is no way this is THE Auriel's bow! That's impossible!' Well, it is, shoot some of the arrows that come with it into the sun, crazy stuff will happen, that's for sure.
Farkas, you get the epic Daedric Warhammer Volendrung! No words are necessary, for as soon as you see it, you will no doubt build a shrine to me, I guess I can accept your worship.
Vilkas… I honestly have no idea what to give you. I guess I can spare a copy of the lusty Argonian maid, I'm sure you're into that kind of thing.
Lydia gets Breeze home in Whiterun, tell her to ignore the demonic voice in the bedroom, I always did.
Winterhold gets all of my gold. Hopefully the jarl will spend it on something important… like fixing the bridge, or building more houses.
The college of Winterhold gets all of my dragon masks, I'm pretty sure the reason for that is self-explanatory.
To every single guard in Skyrim, I have a theory as to why you all keep taking arrows in the knee. I've decided that this could be no coincidence. Think about it guards, who would want to end your adventuring career? The doctors that heal you! They hire someone to cripple you, and then you pay them to fix you up! Don't you see? Also, accidently killing a chicken while fighting a dragon shouldn't warrant for my arrest, but then again, you people are pretty stupid. P.S Please forgive me for that killing spree that I went on.
To Jarl Balgruff, I have some advice, beat your children. Daily. P.S except for the one that keeps saying that he practices with his fists. Just the other two.
Jarl Idgrod, you're old.
Jarl Sidgeir, you're annoying.
To the Thalmor, if I ever come back to Tamriel, I will topple your little dominion. Out of a lot of these losers, I hold a special hatred in my heart for you. Although you probably know that, seeing as I sent you Elenwens decapitated head on a food platter. Along with all of the other severed Thalmor heads that I specially gift wrapped for you.
Braith, shut up.
Gray manes and battle borns, you are all jerk bags, xept' Jon and Eourland.
Speaking of Eourland, I actually learned how to forge weapons and armor with dragon bone! Not that I use it or anything. I prefer Daedric gear really. I'll have someone send you the details of the forging process.
To the blades, I will NEVER kill Parthurnax, so stop asking me to kill him.
To every orc chief, you got the shit kicked out of you by a half elf, think on that. Also, that hundred septims I won every time really helped in the long run, so thanks!
To the dark brotherhood, I have more advice, remember, murder time, fun time.
To the future high king or queen, I think you're both stupid. On one side, there is a power hungry racist, and on the other, an oppressed empire without the freedom of religion. My hands were tied, and I honestly didn't want anything to do with either side. The Thalmor love this war, just so you know, makes them have more power over Skyrim, while you guys are killing each other. Idiots.
The writing continued like that for hours, he truly had a LOT to get off of his chest. Kind of like the boot on that feral's chest, that thing no doubt wanted Ger-ald to stop crushing his ribs, but he didn't care.
He needed to leave Nirn tonight, he couldn't stand it anymore. He still had one thing he had left to do before he left. Ger-ald stood up from his chair, and stretched his hands upwards, letting out a yawn.
"Well, you sound tired." He heard a familiar voice say.
"Oh dear, look, it's one of the only people in this frozen wasteland that I actually respect, hello Serry." Ger-ald said.
"Would you stop calling me that?" Serana said.
"Well, after careful consideration, no. Not now, not ever, get used to it." Ger-ald stated.
"I heard you brutalized another vampire today. That you gouged his eyes out then snapped his neck. Why the brutality?" Serana asked.
"Because I didn't like his face of course." Ger-ald said, sarcasm dripping from his voice.
"Whatever, I came in here to say goodnight." Serana said.
"I was actually on my way to see you." Ger-ald said.
Serana looked flustered for a second, but gained her bearings.
"For what?" Serana asked.
"To say goodbye, I'm leaving Nirn behind." Serana said.
Serana giggled.
"You're funny." She said.
"It's not a joke, I have a way out."
Serana's smile faded from her lips.
"If you're serious about this, how long will you be gone?" She asked.
"Well, forever."
The next thing Ger-ald knew, he was sidestepping a long ice spike that then embedded itself against the wall behind him.
"Forever!? And you thought that you wouldn't bring me along for the trip!? I'll kill you!" Serana yelled.
"Calm down and listen. If we left together, you would never come back, you would never see Valerica again, or any of your other friends." Ger-ald said.
"My mother… will be fine, and I don't have any other friends." Serana said.
"What about the people that we've met when we were adventuring together?" Ger-ald said.
"Those are your friends, not mine. And I will not stay in this castle with these animals, they'd want to fulfill that stupid prophecy!" Serana yelled.
"There will be danger, I haven't been to this place before, and I don't know what this new land is even called! You could die." Ger-ald said.
"YOU could die, and if you die, I die with you." Serana said.
Damn royals, they always seemed to get what they wanted by just yelling enough. Ger-ald supposed that it wouldn't be too bad to take her along for the ride.
"Fine. Go pack your things, and only bring the essentials! Like… I don't know, girl things." Ger-ald said.
Serana's eyes lit up.
"I'll be back in an hour!" Serana declared.
"Just meet me next to the portal that leads to the soul cairn, go the long way, and don't come into the main hall." Ger-ald said.
Serana raised an eyebrow.
"There is something I have to do before I go, now run along now."
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…
"Okay sir, I've gathered everyone in castle Volkihar, now, what is it that you want from us?" Vingalmo asked.
"Yeah, what's so important?" Fura asked.
"Well my bat faced friends, the reason I called you all here, is because I am about to kill every single one of you." Ger-ald declared, flashing a toothy grin under his helmet.
"This has got to be some sort of twisted joke right?" Feran asked, the dark elf quaking in fear.
"Of course it's a joke, why would he kill us?" Hestla asked.
"Because I'm leaving Nirn forever, and you all annoy me." Ger-ald said, drawing both of his swords. "So come on, make me work for it!"
Fura bloodmouth charged up to him first, only to be met with a…
"YOL TOOR SHUL!" Sending a giant wall of flame at her.
Fura was engulfed in the flame, and was sent flying backwards as a sizzling corpse. Ronthil, the wood elf, drew his bow, and fired, the arrow bouncing harmlessly off of Ger-alds armor. He charged through the crowd of vampires, and drove both of his swords through Ronthils gut. The wood elf coughed blood on top of his helmet, and he withdrew the swords.
Ronthil crumpled to the ground. He threw one of his swords at Hestla, the sword impaled the vampire's throat, and she fell backwards on the floor. That's three down. Ger-ald looked too the thrall master, and used his telekinesis to lift him into the air. The other vampires were charging his position, and one of them swung their axe at his skull.
Silly Salonia that was what helmets were for! The axe bounced off of his helmet, and Ger-ald brought both of his hands together. The thrall masters bones all cracked, and Ger-ald let him fall to the floor in a heap.
Vingalmo kept his distance, firing bolts of lightning at him in the hopes of draining his magicka. Little did he know, Ger-ald didn't need magicka to kill his foes. He cut down Feran and Garan with ease, stabbing Feran in the gut, and Garan in the throat. They both made the same funny sound when they fell down, it was like 'Gah.' It was hilarious!
The other vampires in the court all crowded the entrance to escape the castle, only to realize that the gate was sealed shut. Ger-ald ran up the steps, sheathes his swords, and summoned up the fire ball spell.
"Have any of you ever been burnt before? If not, then I guess this is your first time, but trust me… I'm not going to be gentle." Ger-ald said.
He threw one massive fireball at the small crowd of vampires, setting them all ablaze. The screaming sounds that they made would have horrified anyone else, but to Ger-ald, it sounded like music. A symphony of yelps and pleading, beautiful.
Suddenly, Ger-ald felt a large wave of cold wash over him. Frost spell. He turned around, and saw that Vingalmo was the only one left alive. This was going to be fun.
"Looks like it's just you and me Vingalmo! I have a question, have you ever been strangled by your own intestines?" Ger-ald asked with a sadistic smile on his face.
"I've been wanting to slit your throat since the day we met you savage!" Vingalmo yelled.
"Is that why you're shaking Vin? Because you're so glad that you finally get this chance? No, I think you are scared of me, and you know that this is where you're going to die." Ger-ald said.
"I won't be the one who dies here!" Vingalmo stated.
"Oh, you think so?" Ger-ald asked.
Vingalmo raised both of his hands, and to correspond, two large orbs of purple appeared on both sides of him. When the orbs faded, two large gargoyles stood in their place. Oh boy, this was going to be interesting!
Gargoyles were pretty dumb. Usually anyhow, but he had a retort to Vingalmos gargoyles. Ger-ald summoned two frost atronachs. He decided that he was going to sit back and enjoy the show, and after this show was done, he would murder Vingalmo.
The frost atronachs went down both sides of the stairway to meet the gargoyles. The first pair on the left clashed, the gargoyle slashing at the atronachs with its sharp claws. That wasn't very effective, considering that gargoyles claws are meant for rending flesh, not solid ice. That didn't mean that the gargoyle wasn't hurting it, but the atronach barely even noticed it. The first atronach drew back its arm, and drove it through the gargoyles midsection, impaling it.
That gargoyle disappeared, and the other one soon followed when the second atronach drove its left arm through its skull. After the gargoyles were gone, he dispelled his frost atronachs, and ran at Vingalmo.
Said high elf charged up a lightning spell and cast it at Ger-ald, catching him in the chest. Ger-ald was knocked back a little ways by the force, his feet scraping against the stone floor.
"FEIM!" Ger-ald yelled, becoming ethereal.
Ger-ald charged after Vingalmo again, said vampire firing off more spells at his direction. All of Vingalmos attacks passed right through him however, and Ger-ald drew his sword. He had to time this right. When Vingalmo finally realized that his attacks were having no effect on Ger-ald, he began to back up, but Ger-ald had already gotten to him. Ger-ald slashed at Vingalmos stomach just as he regained his physical form.
Vingalmo screamed in pain, and grabbed at his gut. Ger-ald sheathed his sword, and head-butted Vingalmo to the ground.
"Oh was that your nose? That was your nose." Ger-ald said.
Ger-ald then kicked Vingalmo in the chest, knocking him flat on his back.
"Please… don't." Vingalmo said.
"Too late, already made up my mind, time to die Vin." Ger-ald said.
Ger-ald reached down, and pulled Vingalmos hands away from his cut open stomach.
"Remember what I said about strangling you with your own intestines?" Ger-ald asked.
"No!" Vingalmo yelled.
"You don't remember? I sure do, do you know what else I remembered? That one child that you brought into court and murdered in front of everyone. I still don't know why you did it Vin, at the time, I thought that it was because you wanted to show the other vampires that you didn't have a conscience. I was thinking about killing you right then and there, but I decided to bide my time. Until I would leave, for you were still at least somewhat useful to me. You did know about how much I hated you monsters right? Well, it takes a monster, to kill an even worse monster. You know who that monster is Vin? It's me. I'm your monster." Ger-ald said.
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…
"Gerald? Why are you covered with blood?" Serana asked.
"The question is Serry, why aren't YOU covered in blood?" Ger-ald asked.
"Because I haven't killed anything. What did you do?" Serana asked.
"Well, let's just say that I… cleaned house." Ger-ald said.
"Well, I can take a guess." Serana said.
"Guess later, portal time now." Ger-ald stated.
"Fine. So what is this plan of yours? How are you going to leave Nirn, and what does the soul cairn have to do with it?" Serana asked.
"Simple, I met an Ideal master, and we made a deal." Ger-ald said.
A long moment of silence passed.
"You're an idiot." Serana said.
"No, I have a plan to trick this ideal master into letting me go without a scratch." Ger-ald said, walking down the stairs that lead to the portal with Serana.
"You know how many would-be necromancers thought that they could trick the Ideal masters? Hundreds, maybe even thousands, and they all failed." Serana said.
"Well, I'm not going to fail, this plan is fool-proof." Ger-ald said.
"Yet it's a plan orchestrated by a fool." Serana chuckled.
"Hey! I don't appreciate that!" Ger-ald yelled.
"You don't have to appreciate it, let's just turn around, before you get yourself killed." Serana said.
Ger-ald crossed his arms.
"No."
"What? Are you a child now?" Serana asked.
"Shut up! Just listen, I'm going to give the Ideal master a dragon soul. Now listen, it's not MY soul, it's the soul of a dragon I killed a few months ago, but the Ideal master does think that it is my soul. Little does he know that it's actually the soul of some lesser Dovah. Before you ask any questions, know that the Ideal master came to me with the offer." Ger-ald said.
"Why?" Serana asked.
"I said before you ask any questions, don't you listen?" Ger-ald asked.
"Yes, but that doesn't mean I care." Serana said.
"You wound me; anyway, the Ideal master wants a dragon soul, but he could never claim Durnirviirs soul because a dragon's soul can only be offered with consent. Unless they're killed by another dragon, or dragonborn. I'm going to offer the soul of a stupid frost dragon to them, and they'll think it's mine. Sounds like a good plan right?" Ger-ald asked.
"It sounds like a pretty dumb plan Gerald. Couldn't you just find another way? This seems risky, and how do you know that he can even do it?" Serana asked.
"Well… because he told me so?" Ger-ald said.
Serana face-palmed.
"You're going to get yourself killed."
"Well, I guess we'll see." Ger-ald said.
When they finally reached the bottom of those dark stairs, Ger-ald looked off into the distance of the soul cairn. Still dark, grey, and boring. They walked a little ways up the dirt path until they came to their destination, a stone archway. Where was the ideal master? He said to show up here when he felt like leaving.
"Oh Gerry boy, it's good to see ya!" He heard an accented voice say.
A very familiar, very annoying voice. Ger-ald turned around to see a man wearing a suit with two different colors, red and purple. The man's eyes were pure white, as was his hair, and he radiated madness.
"What are you doing here!? Get lost!" Ger-ald yelled.
"Oh, you hurt my feelings boyo! I thought I was your favorite Daedric prince." Sheogorath said.
"Yeah, but that isn't saying much, what are you doing here? How did you know I was going to be here?" Ger-ald asked.
"Well, you know that Ideal master you talked to? Well look at this!" Sheogorath yelled, before being engulfed in an orb of purple light.
After the orb faded, Sheogorath was gone, and was replaced by a shorter, pudgier man with spiky green hair and yellow eyes.
"I am that Ideal master! Even though I'm not one!" Sheogorath said, changing back to his original form.
"You're telling me that three months of planning just went down the crapper!?" Ger-ald yelled.
This was ridiculous! After all that, he wouldn't be able to leave this shithole of a continent!
"Well boy, I can take you somewhere else. But I don't want a dragon soul, those smell weird. I want you to complete a challenge for me." Sheogorath said, holding out his hand.
Soon, a sandwich appeared in his hand, and what was between the bread slices… was the heart of a daedra. Something told Ger-ald that this wasn't going to end well.
"Eat this sandwich!" Sheogorath yelled.
Wouldn't that mean that he would have too...?
"But I would have to take off my helmet!" Ger-ald yelled.
"Not at all, because you're going to eat this sandwich without your mouth!" The mad god yelled.
"But… Lord Sheogorath, that's impossible." Serana said.
"I know that my favorite insane homicidal maniac can find a way, so boy, figure it out." Sheogorath said.
"I… honestly have no idea. What's the point of this anyhow? You want me to eat a daedra heart sandwich without my mouth? How do I even do that? What, do you think I can just…" Ger-ald started.
Sheogorath then snapped his fingers, and the sandwich disappeared. The next thing Ger-ald knew, he felt a strange feeling in his gut, as if something had…
"Did you just put that whole sandwich in me!?" Ger-ald asked, enraged.
"Why yes I did, anyone with half a mind could figure that out. Oh! That's funny, half a mind! Looking at you Gerald!" Sheogorath yelled, laughing.
Ger-ald let his shoulders sag.
"Gerald, what's he talking about?" Serana asked.
"Who knows? He is the god of madness after all. So, can you take us to where we want to go?" Ger-ald lied.
"Yes, fine, whatever, I guess even though you didn't accomplish it by yourself, you still ate it! Now, be warned, you could end up in a world that's entirely made up of sandwiches that want to eat you! Now get lost, we'll talk again soon boyo!" Sheogorath said.
Ger-ald didn't think that the soul cairn could get any more black and purple, but it did. He was enveloped in a dark purple light, and he left Tamriel, and Nirn.
Forever.
"Now you see that this is a gift. Use it well."
"I… will."
"Yes Ald, yes you will."
If you're curious as to how Ger-alds voice sounds like, use Alucard from hellsing abridged as an example. Toodles! And tell me what you thought of the rewritten first chapter, also, what do you think of Ger-ald?