I'm sick, Delphine.
She was the first person I told. I wasn't planning on telling her, but in that moment, despite being a clone, I felt alone. I was exhausted both mentally and physically, and for one brief second I let my guard down, I let my secret slip. I remember watching Delphine as she digested the new information. We shared an emotional hug and then afterward she slipped right into doctor-mode, assuring me of a cure. I knew the severity of my own situation, but right there, in that moment, I believed her anyway.
"I think it's time," Delphine says sitting next to me. She grabs my hand and rubs her thumb over my knuckles.
"Time for what?" I ask. I look in her eyes and see grief reflected there. I know what she wants me to do, but I play dumb anyway. She's been asking me to do this for weeks, but I can't bring myself to do it.
"It's time to tell Sarah and Alison about your sickness." She moves her hands to my shoulders, making me face her head-on. "It's time to tell them the truth."
"I don't want to be a burden." I say. And it's true, I don't. We're all dealing with things – important things – and I don't want to make my respiratory illness their problem too.
"Burden them now while you still can."
I walk to the back patio door and give a knock. It's been a while since 'Clone Club' has had a meeting, but just like old times Alison slides the curtain aside and opens the door.
"Cosima, I'm so glad you called!" she buzzes. I watch as she makes a beeline for the bottle of wine on the table and pours two glasses. "They have you so busy at that Dyad place. I feel like we never see you anymore!"
It's true, we barely see each other. We talk on Skype, but this is the first time in a long time I'm seeing Alison in the flesh. She looks happy, but then again she's been known to get some assistance from "little helpers." We clink our wine glasses and I watch as she gulps hers down in a few sips.
"How are you, Alison?" I ask. I decide to get the ball rolling, plus I know how much Alison can talk. I settle into the couch, ready for a long, one-sided conversation.
"I went to rehab!"
She's oddly excited by the information. I, on the other hand, am shocked, especially as I watch her pour another glass of wine for herself. I raise my eyebrows and nod toward the glass. "Think that's a good idea?"
Her eyes follow mine and then she gives an exaggerated eye roll. "I went to rehab for pill addiction, silly."
I just nod and sip my own wine. "So, rehab. That's pretty intense."
Alison waves her hand around, as if saying it's no big deal. "Well, after I fell off the stage at my play I knew it was necessary."
"Right, your play! Sorry I missed it. How did it go?" I watch as Alison's eyes bug out. Wrong question.
"Cosima, are you even listening?" She raises her voice and tells me again much slower, this time punctuating each word. "I. Fell. Off. The. Stage."
"No, right, sorry," I begin, "I just have a lot on my mind."
"Is it that Delphine?" Alison asks. "Because I told you not to trust her, Cosima. She's your monitor! I didn't know what I was getting into when I married Donnie, but you can still—"
"I'm sick, Alison."
I tell my secret. It's not like the tender moment I shared with Delphine, instead I say it as a way to get Alison to stop talking, which she does. She looks at me and sets her wine glass on the table.
"Listen, if you need some pills," she chooses her words carefully. "I know a guy who can help."
Her guy. Ramon. I've met Ramon before. He delivered a gun to Felix's loft. But no, he can't help me. "I have that respiratory illness—"
"Like Katja?" she asks.
"Yes, like Katja. And there's no cure," I say. "At least no cure that we know of. Yet."
I say yet, but I don't know who I'm trying to comfort more, Alison or myself. I watch Alison as her face contorts into different emotions, finally settling on one of… defiance?
"No." That's all she says.
"No?" I ask.
"No," she says again. "Fishsticks! No…"
And then the waterworks come. I move to her couch and wrap my arms around her. Me comforting her, that's exactly how I pictured this scenario. I let her cry into my shoulder, giving her a pat on the back every so often. She finally calms down, wiping her nose on my sweater.
"How long have you known?" she asks. I look down at my hands and she picks up on my guilt right away. I feel a hand slap my arm. Hard. "Cosima! How could you keep this from us?"
I jump up from the couch and pace the room, my hands flying wildly as I talk. I give her all my excuses and finally end my rant by telling her I didn't want to be a burden. When I face Alison again, she's fuming.
"What the Dickens?! A burden?" she rises from the couch and heads straight for me. I put my arms up for protection, but instead I feel her enveloping me in a hug. It's now her comforting me, her patting my back. I feel tears slipping from my eyes as I return the hug.
After that Alison devotes her complete attention to me. Her wine glass sits untouched as she listens to me talk. Every so often I catch her wiping a stray tear from her eye. And at the end of the night when there's nothing left to say, we give our goodbyes.
"Promise me you'll call," she says. I smile and nod my head, but it's not good enough for her. "Say you promise."
"I promise," I say.
"Promise me you'll visit. When you can, of course."
My next visit? What if it's never? What if I'm never healthy enough to leave the Dyad again? The thought scares me, so I just step in and give her a final hug, hoping it's enough. As I turn to leave, I feel a tug on my arm. And when I face Alison again, I find her furiously brushing tears from her eyes. "We're in this together, Cosima. Don't give up."
I stand at Felix's door and mentally prepare myself for my meeting with Sarah. I know it will be short – Sarah's usually all business – but the thought of revealing my secret to another person drains me. I raise my hand and knock, listening as the thuds reverberate throughout the old building. Sarah answers the door, a smile on her face. In the background Felix and Kira run around.
"Cos, hey, come in," Sarah says. She steps aside and I enter the loft. My eyes are immediately drawn to Felix and Kira, two happy souls without a care in the world. They notice me and I wave.
"Aunt Cosima!" the young girl yells excitedly, running toward me. I envelope her in a hug and lift her into the air. "Where have you been?"
"Aunt Cosima is a very busy scientist," Sarah answers. I give her a look of thanks. "Now, why don't you and Uncle Felix go to Mrs. S's for awhile? What do you say, Monkey?"
I watch as Sarah kneels to Kira's level to speak to her. She pokes the young girl on the nose, eliciting a giggle from the small child. I smile too. I love watching these two interact. Felix gives me a nod, before taking Kira's hand and leading her out the loft. Both Sarah and I watch the two until the door shuts with a resounding thud.
"So, what's up?" Sarah asks. "It sounded pretty urgent."
Right to the point, no bullshit. That's what I like about Sarah. I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. How to begin? I look at Sarah; she's waiting for me to say something, anything. I open my mouth to start, but close it just as quickly. I repeat this several times, flinging my hands wildly every so often.
"Cos!" Sarah yells, not bothering to hide her irritation. "Spill it."
"I'm sick, Sarah."
And just like that my secret is revealed, scared right out of me. I collapse on the couch and watch as Sarah takes a seat on the coffee table in front of me. She's slow to respond, but unlike Alison, she has a good poker face.
"Shite, Cos," is all she says. I stare at her hoping for more, but she gives me nothing.
"Yeah, shit," I mumble under my breath. It's as if I'm realizing the direness of my situation for the first time again. And then something completely unexpected happens – I cry. Not just a few stray tears down my face kind of cry. I'm full-on sobbing and I have no control of it. Sarah reaches forward and pulls me into a hug.
"You're alright, yeah?" she asks. I continue sobbing and then just as suddenly I'm laughing. Sarah pulls back from the hug and stares at me. "What's so funny?"
I wave my hands in the air as the last few giggles escape my lips. "I'm sorry. I just realized – I'm acting like Alison." I giggle again. It's really not that funny, but it's exactly what I need in this moment. Sarah jumps up from the table and retrieves something from a desk drawer.
"Here, I think you need this more than Felix does." Sarah holds up a joint and a lighter. I smile and take the objects from her. She's right, I could use a smoke.
The rest of the night is a blur, filled with alcohol and marijuana smoke. I tell Sarah everything I know about my illness, or at least I think I do. I can't remember. And at the end of the night, as I wait for my taxi, we say our goodbyes.
"Take care of yourself, yeah?" Sarah says. "Kira needs her Aunt Cosima. We all need Aunt Cosima."
"Yeah, what would you all do without the geek science monkey?" I giggle. Sarah laughs too, a real genuine laugh.
The taxi pulls up, and after a quick hug I'm off. On my way back to the Dyad Institute, on my way to a cure.