Izzie sat alone at her desk in the clinic, it was late, the clinic was closed but she couldn't leave, she didn't want to get up and leave. In front of her lay the blood results, her blood results with her name on them, she couldn't take her eyes off them, she'd been staring at them all day trying to work out what they meant. On their own they didn't tell anything but combined with the scans they pointed to a dark picture she didn't want to see. All day she had been hoping for another explanation, something other than what she was seeing. That was why she had showed the scans to the interns, she had hoped they might come up with something but so far they had come up with nothing, they hadn't even seen what she saw.
"Dr Stevens." Beside her she heard the familiar voice of Lexie Grey. She lifted her head and looked at her.
"Yes Dr. Grey."
"I think I worked it out." She started saying. "I think I know what is wrong with patient X." She fidgeted with the folders she was holding and then lay them down on the table. "I think she has an advanced stage of Hodgkin's lymphoma."
Hearing the words come from Lexie's mouth made her heart ache, that was exactly what she thought, that was exactly what she had worked out. "Why do you think that?" She had to ask the question, listen to Lexie's reasoning behind the diagnosis.
"Well…" Slowly Lexie began explaining everything to her, her methods of deduction, her reasoning, how she drew her conclusions, everything she said was faultless. "…am I right? Is that what she has?" Lexie beamed as she finished her explanation.
Izzie looked away from her and down at her blood results. She didn't want to say yes, she didn't want to admit not even to herself that, that was what was wrong.
"Dr. Stevens is that what she has?" Lexie asked again. Izzie gulped and a tear began to run down her face, it dripped down onto the papers, leaving a perfectly formed half sphere of water. "Dr. Stevens are you okay?"
Izzie ran her hand through her hair and tried to compose herself, she didn't want to be crying but it was too much, she was too tired. "No," She muttered and she pushed the blood results toward Lexie.
Lexie picked up the sheet of paper in front of her and began looking at the figures, she recognized them, knew them by heart as patient X's blood results, she scanned the sheet of paper and then she found the difference, where it said patient name the letter X had been replaced by the words Isobel Stevens.
"It's you?" The question came from Lexie's mouth in a shocked sadden tone. All Izzie could do was nod, the act of forming words in that one moment was beyond her. "Oh my god, Izzie." In that moment their relationship as teacher and student was gone. Lexie reached out and gently placed a hand on Izzie's back. "Have you told anyone?"
Izzie looked up at her; she wiped the tears away from her eyes and shook her head. "No," she whispered not knowing what else to say. "I haven't told anyone, you're the only ones who've seen everything."
"Us?" Lexie lifted her hand from Izzie's back and stepped back a little. "You mean you haven't taken these to an oncologist?"
"No," Saying that one word was becoming easier, she was good at saying no, she'd been saying no and living in denial for weeks.
"Izzie you need to see an oncologist this is serious you need treatment."
Lexie's voice echoed in her ear, she knew what she was saying, she understood it, but she was so scared, she was too scared to make that move. She closed her eyes and felt more tears run down her face.
"You don't have to stay." She said beginning to stand. "You solved the case, you win, I'll see about getting a prize tomorrow." She started to walk away but after two steps she suddenly felt really dizzy. The closest thing to support her was Lexie and she found herself grabbing her to hold her balance.
Lexie felt Izzie's hand grip tightly to her arm. "I don't want a prize." She started saying. "I want you to get some help."
Izzie looked back at her, she could see the fear in her eyes, she could read her look, she wanted help but she was terrified to find out more.
"I don't want help." Izzie said and she tried to walk away again but Lexie wouldn't let her leave.
"Izzie you need help." Lexie said grabbing her arm.
The grip hurt, Izzie winced slightly and turned back. "Dr. Grey let go."
"No," Lexie loosened her grip but she didn't let go. "You need to get help and I know you want it. If you didn't want it you wouldn't have told me."
"I.." Izzie wanted to argue but she didn't have anything to say, Lexie was right and she knew it. She needed help, and she wanted it, deep down she didn't want to do this on her own. "I don't know what to do."
"First you need to do is talk to an oncologist." Lexie let go of her arm and started picking up the results and scans that were spread on the table. "We'll go now, maybe it's not as bad as we think, maybe we've read something wrong."
"Maybe," Izzie sighed but she didn't believe the words coming out of her mouth.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Lexie and Izzie flopped down into the chairs in the waiting area of the oncology department. It was late and they were the only ones there, technically the department was closed for the night but Lexie had managed to convince one of the doctors, the head of the department it turned out, that they needed to talk to someone tonight, that they needed to see him now. They'd showed the doctor the scans and blood results, he hadn't commented on them just sent them to get new ones. They'd spent the last two hours moving through the floor getting various tests done.
Izzie had more blood drawn, another round of CTs, a bone marrow aspiration and biopsy, and finally a lymph node biopsy. With every test she became more and more anxious, there were a few times where she wanted to walk out, even tried to walk out but Lexie wouldn't leave her side and wouldn't let her leave. She didn't understand why the other woman seemed to care so much, they weren't exactly friends but through out these last few hours she'd been there for her.
"You don't have to stay." Izzie said turning to Lexie, the other woman looked as exhausted as she felt.
"Yes I do." Lexie smiled at her. "As soon as I walk out those doors, you're going to walk out and you need to say."
"I'm not going to walk out."
"Yes you will." Lexie sighed. In her mind she had no doubt that Izzie would leave if she was given the opportunity, she was scared and even with the mountain of tests she'd just let herself be subjected to she was still in denial.
Izzie didn't say anything back to Lexie's comment, a part of her couldn't be sure it wasn't true. She did want to leave and she didn't want to hear the results but she knew deep down she had to hear it.
"Izzie can you keep a secret?" The question came unexpectedly from Lexie's mouth. Izzie looked back at her and nodded, she could keep a secret, she was good at keeping secrets. Lexie smiled and twisted her fingers in her hand before continuing. "Mark Sloan and I, we're kind of dating."
Lexie smiled more as the revelation slipped from her mouth; she'd wanted to tell someone for a long time. She wanted to talk about how Mark, when you got to know him wasn't just the man whore everyone thought he was. He was actually a decent guy. She wanted to tell someone and at that moment telling Izzie felt like the right thing to do.
"Really?" Izzie raised her eyebrow. "You and Sloan?"
"Yeah," Lexie smiled. "We've been going at it for a month or so. He won't let me tell anyone. Says he has to tell Derek first."
"Really?" Izzie let a small smile slip across her face. The idea of Lexie and Sloan was almost enough to make her laugh. "How did that happen?"
"I don't know, it just kind of did." Lexie couldn't wipe the smile off her face now. "He's actually a really nice guy, when you get to know him."
Izzie smiled more at Lexie's words. "I believe you." She said, letting out a slow sigh. "That's what I had to tell people about Alex."
"Really?" Now it was Lexie's turn to sound surprised.
"Yeah Alex was…" The words trailed from Izzie's mouth, she couldn't find the words to describe Alex and right then she didn't need them, standing in the doorway was the oncologist she'd spoken to earlier.
"Isobel Stevens." The doctor called out.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Lexie lead Izzie into the doctors office, she wasn't initially going to go in but it was obvious Izzie needed someone with her, if for nothing else but to remember exactly what the doctor was telling her. She was freaking out and scared half to death, Lexie could feel this when she took Izzie's hand it was cold and damp.
In the doctors office they sat in chairs next to each other and waited for the doctor to start talking. He began by saying not all the test results were in, that some would take a few days to get back but he didn't think they would change anything.
"Just tell me." Izzie pleaded after he'd been talking for a couple minutes, the anticipation was killing her.
He nodded at her and began. "I have some bad news. The new tests have confirmed what we initially suspected. You have stage four Hodgkin's lymphoma and it is advancing quickly."
The words came from the doctor's mouth and Izzie felt a huge lump form in the throat rendering her speechless. When the doctor asked her if she understood what he was saying all she could do was nod. Even with all the preparation, with all the suspicions that she had cancer it didn't prepare her for actually hearing that word associated with her name, to hear that confirmation.
He explained to her what he wanted to do and what would happen when he did it but by that point she wasn't hearing him anymore, her head was full of a buzzing noise as she tried to process everything. The cancer had spread throughout her lymph system and into her brain and spleen. The best treatment available to her was intensive chemotherapy. With treatment she stood about a thirty percent chance of recovery, without it she would be dead in a couple months. The treatment could save her life but it was also extremely toxic to the rest of her body. If she survived she would be completely infertile. That piece of information seemed to hurt more than anything, he told her there were options she could take if she wanted to still have children but in his opinion the longer she waited to start the chemo the less her chances of survival were.
"Okay," The word came out barely louder than a whisper from Izzie's mouth. The doctor was telling her he wanted her to come back tomorrow afternoon, that by then he would have worked things out more definitively and he could present her a treatment plan. He also handed her a referral for a doctor specializing in fertility options for women about to undergo chemo. She slipped the paper into her bag, unable to think about anything at that time. And the doctor started to pack his things up, the discussion was over, at that point there was nothing more to say.
Lexie watched the color drained from Izzie's face, with every word the doctor spoke she seemed to go a shade lighter and now that he had finished talking Izzie's skin was a ghostly white. Lexie stood and when Izzie didn't follow she reached down and pulled her up.
Silently Lexie lead Izzie through the corridors and floors of the hospital and right out the front door. She took her to her car and sat her down in the passenger seat. Izzie hadn't said a word for the entire walk, she seemed to be in some form of shock, her hands were cold and the colour still hadn't returned to her face.
"Izzie," Lexie began to say, she wanted to get her talking but she didn't know what she was supposed to say. Her instinct had her wanting to ask if she was okay, but it was obvious she wasn't. "Say something, talk to me." She said instead, hoping it might be enough to get some kind of reaction.
Izzie crossed her arms across her chest and tried to pull her legs in. "Take me home." She said, she didn't want to talk.
"Okay," Lexie walked around to the driver's side of the car and climbed in. She started the engine and began driving. "Izzie," she started talking again. "Are you going to tell them? They deserve to know."
"I know." Telling everyone was all Izzie had been thinking about since leaving the doctors office. She had to tell them, the people she cared about, the people who cared about her. Lexie was right they deserved to know but more than that, she needed them to know. As much as she wanted to shield them from what was about to happen she couldn't do it on her own.
"Good." Lexie tried to smile. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
Izzie rested her head on the window as Lexie drove to the house. She closed her eyes and tried to work out how on earth she was supposed to tell Alex. She didn't want to tell him, she liked what they had and she didn't want to change that. Telling him would change everything, but she knew she couldn't keep it from him. Sooner or later he would find out and as much as telling him would hurt, not telling him would hurt more. She didn't want to hurt him, the thought of hurting him was enough to bring tears to her eyes.
Lexie pulled the car into the driveway and shut off the engine. She looked over at Izzie and saw tears glistening across her face. "Don't cry, please don't cry." She began trying to sooth; she reached over and tried to comfort her. "It will be okay, you're going to beat this."
Izzie didn't say anything back, she let Lexie's embrace clam her down and she controlled the sobs. When she had stopped crying enough to speak she slowly pulled away.
"Thank you," she said before climbing out the car and walking towards the house.
-8-8-8-8-8-
Inside the house Alex sat in a dimly lit sitting room. The only light came from two almost burnt out candles. In front of him sat an untouched glass of wine and three empty beer bottles. The beer bottles were his, the glass of wine was meant to be Izzie's. They'd both had the night off and were supposed to do something together, he'd got home first and had tried to create some atmosphere but Izzie had never arrived. Once he'd tried phoning her but the phone flicked straight to voicemail.
Behind him he heard the front door open and the sound of two people walking in. He turned his head and saw Izzie standing in the doorway with Lexie a few inches behind.
"Tell him," He heard Lexie say and he watched her give Izzie a quick squeeze and begin up the stairs.
"Tell me what?" He asked not getting up from the sofa. He was annoyed at Izzie for not coming home, for not telling him she wouldn't be home when they'd made plans to do something together.
Izzie stood in the doorway looking at him, on the table she could see the remnants of two tall candles and for the first that evening she remembered the plans they'd made. Her heart ached as she realized she'd already hurt him once tonight. Slowly she walked towards him, she dropped her bag on the floor by their feet and she fell onto the sofa.
"I'm sorry," She said curling up beside him, she rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes. "I'm so sorry."
Alex wrapped his arm around Izzie and ran his hand through her hair, he wanted to push her away but instinct told him she needed to be held. "It's okay," He told her, "What did you need to tell me?"
He felt her try and bury her face further into his chest. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
Sorry was the only word Izzie could say. She couldn't seem to form anything else, the lump in her throat was preventing her from saying what she needed to say. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Alex gently rubbed Izzie's back, he didn't know what was wrong. He hadn't said anything to her to cause this reaction. "It's okay, what's wrong?"
"I'm sorry," She couldn't do it, she couldn't say it and now she was sorry for that. She started sobbing and she felt Alex pull her tight to his side.
"I know Iz, I know your sorry," Alex could feel his shirt getting damp from her tears and her body start to shake. He had no idea what was wrong, he had no idea why she was crying so hard. He gently pushed her off him a little, he wanted her to look at him. "I know you're sorry, but I don't know why." He said looking her in the eye. "What's wrong?" She tried to look away from him but he wouldn't let her avert her gaze. "Iz, tell me what's wrong."
Izzie looked Alex in the eye and she tried to talk, she tried to tell him but her mouth was dry and her throat blocked by an invisible lump which seemed to be growing by the second. "I…I…" She closed her eyes and more tears ran down her face. She wanted to tell him but saying the words was impossible. "Alex," She pushed herself away from him for a moment and reached for her bag. She pulled out the referral the doctor had given her and handed it to him. "I'm sick."
Alex took the paper from Izzie's hand and began reading. Almost instantly a lump form in his stomach, a knot which twisted harder with every word he read. Izzie wasn't just sick, she didn't just have the flu, she was dying, there was a high chance that what she had would kill her. He finished reading the letter and dropped it on the floor. He wrapped his arms around Izzie's quivering body, she still hadn't stopped crying, and he held her as tight as he could.
"I'm sorry," Izzie whispered to him. "I wanted to be better. I wanted to be everything you deserve."
"You are Iz, stop saying you're sorry." He kissed her gently on the forehead and pulled her tighter to him. "You're going to fight this; we're going to beat it." She didn't say anything; she just pushed herself closer to him and kept sobbing.
Alex didn't know what he was supposed to do now. He kept rubbing his hand along Izzie's back and through her hair. He was trying to comfort her but she was inconsolable and he didn't blame her. From what he could work out from the letter things were bad and only going to get worse. "When you go back to the doctor I want to come with you. I want to know what's happening with you Iz, I want to help you."
He felt her nod her head against his chest, a sign that she had heard but she didn't say anything. For the longest time they sat in silence, the only sound being an occasional whimper slipping from Izzie's mouth. The candles which had lit the room burnt all the way out leaving them sitting in a world of darkness. At some point Izzie stopped crying, Alex felt her grow heavy against his chest and her breathing level off. She was asleep so he carefully stood up and lifted her into his arms; he carried her upstairs and lay her down on his bed. He took off her shoes and socks, and tucked her into the bed. He quickly changed and lay down beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her body as tight to his as possible, he held onto her for dear life and listens to the soft rhythmic sound of her breathing. It took a long time for him to fall asleep; already he was afraid of losing her while he slept.