Is She Defending the Wrong Man?
Description: Auggie's thoughts regarding the events of the last scene of "In the Light." A quick one-shot. Spoilerey spoilness! Rated "T" for a couple words spoken in anger.
Disclaimed: Of course, not mine. But I would like a cheese plate.
A/N: I know, more angst! I gotta stick to canon on this one, yo. I swear, I am in the middle of writing a v. lovely (happy) A/A piece, one to get us through the foreseeably long Annie/Jai tryst. I hope you enjoy this anyways.
Please remember, I am writing this from Auggie's POV, and he doesn't have all the facts.
As always, my deepest gratitude to you (yes you!) for taking time to read this piece which I have written. From the bottom of my heart, thank you (yes, you!).
"What a blowhard; he's as bad as his father."
"No, he isn't."
"You're defending him?"
"I think he's just trying to figure this place out, like the rest of us."
oOoOoOo
After a brief silence she finally said, "I'm going to use the ladies room." I didn't respond, and she walked away.
I took a deep breath. Her scent was still in the air, mingled with the muddled smell of lots of people congregating in a room, and the aroma of the cheap meat and cheese platters that were set out for occasions such as this. The warmth of her arm still lingered on mine. And I stood there by the railing, in no particular mood to socialize. For some strange reason I felt like I had been shot with a slug.
I mulled over our conversation. She really had been defending him. Jai. The man who was destine for greatness before he was born. The man who was spoon-fed success and swaddled in prominence. The man who was guaranteed a successful career in the CIA before he could walk.
Jai, who after years abroad and questionable loyalties (To his father? To Joan?) came back to Langley for seemingly no reason at all. And he just strut into my department and already he was snapping his fingers and demanding his way. Now here he was licking boots and waxing insincerity to the other VIPs. And for what? More notoriety! This was the man she was defending!
I studied untiringly and fought relentlessly and bled more times than I can count to make it this far. I sacrificed friends, success, a normal life, and hell, even my eyesight. All to save the world, for my life to matter. And here I am, stuck in the tech department, with no chance of doing real field work ever again. Doesn't Annie see that?
The sharp taste of bile rose up in my throat. I was floored by the sudden wave of bitter feelings that had rolled over me. I like my job, I recanted. I'm not thrilled with Jai, but what does that matter? Annie likes him. From the tone of her voice, she really likes him. But what does that matter?
Annie was bound to make more friends at the CIA. She was bound to be put out on the field with other partners. She was bound to date. I knew all those things were true, and yet still, I gripped onto the rail with more force.
The din of the room, hundreds of people chatting away, and it all blurred together to mean nothing. I felt dizzy. Why did I feel dizzy? Why did the thought of Annie dating some else bother me?
The realization hit me like blunt object to the back of my head.
"Well this sucks," I whispered to no one. I refused to even think about the emotion that was poking up it's ugly head. I like my life exactly the way it is. I like my friendship with Annie exactly that way it is (except, perhaps with hotter coffee). I really like being popular at the tavern. And while I want to settle down some day, I have no intentions of anything that even smacks of serious. Not right now.
And then it occurred to me, that I could beat a polygraph like it were basic arithmetic, lie as convincingly as if I were telling the truth, and manipulate (when necessary) effortlessly. I wondered, then, how long I could lie to myself.
I'm jealous. There it is. I don't know why (yes I do). I don't know why it's directed at her (she's amazing, you idiot). I don't even know how serious these feelings are (that one's true).
My decision to suppress my emotions came just as quickly as my initial realization. Thoughts like, "she would never like me that way, because I'm blind," and "I don't want to ruin our friendship" floated in the peripherals of my mind. But I was far more concerned the issue of why I felt such sharp pangs of envy for a girl I had known such a short time, and if maybe this was really only lust (because yes, even blind men can lust) or was it possibly something more.
Maybe this is just the first new agent that I have worked with in a while who is really impressive.
But before that line of thought could continue, I felt a familiar hand grip my arm. Her scent, her soft touch, the feel of her synthetic wool suit, I registered immediately who it was before I felt a second's alarm. My heart began to palpitate, but I did not betray my heart's conflict. I swallowed all the strife down into my stomach, I turned towards her, and smiled.
"Did I miss anything?" she asked.
"Nothing I could see," I replied casually.
She laughed.