Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my warped imagination.
Author's Notes: This story came about from a late night conversation with a friend and fellow HP fan. And so I dedicate it to Abigail Lupin. Sometimes our conversations can be out there.
All comments and reviews are welcome and all flames will be used to keep me warm.
Off To See The Wizard
Harry Potter rarely had ordinary days. Not that he was ordinary, by any means. After all, how can a teen-aged wizard with his very own personal megalomaniac after him be normal? But he had never in his life expected a day as weird as this one would turn out to be, and, Merlin help him, by the time it was done, he hoped never too see another one like it.
Harry stretched slowly, yawning and opening his eyes, fully expecting to see the red canopy of his bed in the 7th year Gryffindor boys' dorm. But what he beheld had him sitting up abruptly in the bed that most assuredly wasn't his. How in the world did he get here and more importantly, where was here?
Shoving the bedcovers off, Harry leaped out of bed only to glance down at himself and find that he was wearing a blue and white checked gingham dress and ruby slippers. Rushing to the old full-length mirror standing in the corner, he stared at his reflection with growing horror. Not only was he wearing the dress and slippers, but his normally unruly hair was almost to his waist and done in pig-tails.
'Oh, bloody hell! I'm a girl! And even worse, one with no sense of style!' squeaked Harry.
Racing to the door, he threw it open only to be greeted by three thoroughly confused, yet familiar faces. If the situation weren't so bizarre, Harry would have laughed at his friends' dilemma, but then he wasn't in any position to laugh given his own predicament. Closing his eyes and shaking his head as if to clear it, Harry hoped that when he opened his eyes again he'd find that he had been dreaming.
'It won't work, Harry,' said Hermione, who looked like a man, or woman in her case, made of tin. 'We've all tried pinching ourselves, pinching each other…'
'Do you know how bloody hard it is to pinch anyone when you're made of straw?!' exclaimed Ron.
'Shush, Ron,' said Tin Man-Hermione irritably. 'It's no worse than someone throwing water on you when you're made of tin.'
An embarrassed looking Neville muttered, 'I'm sorry, Hermione. I didn't think you were really made of tin.'
As each friend spoke, Harry had looked more closely at them. Hermione looked strange in a round tin body. Not a spot on her wasn't made of tin from what Harry could see and, wait… was that an axe she was carrying?! Ron, however, seemed to be at the other extreme. He was, as he had noted before Tin Man-Hermione quieted him, completely made of straw. He would look, Harry thought, right at home in a cornfield. Finally, Harry turned to look at Neville. Even though, the face still had a quality that made him look distinctly like Harry's fellow Gryffindor, there was no doubt that he was now a lion in the truest sense. He had a mane, and a tail that seemed to be twitching nervously. All the while, Harry was wondering how a lion could look embarrassed.
'Okay, first thing we need to know is what happened. How did we get here? Where is here? And why are we dressed this way?' Harry said looking back at Tin Man-Hermione. He knew that if anyone would be able to figure this latest mess out, it would be the brains of the group.
'Isn't it obvious, Harry?' asked Tin Man-Hermione.
'If it were obvious, do you think I would have bothered to ask?' snapped Dorothy-Harry.
Sighing and rolling her eyes, Tin Man-Hermione said, 'Somehow we've ended up as characters from the Muggle book The Wizard of Oz.'
'Of course,' said Dorothy-Harry sarcastically. 'How could I not have recognized it? Oh, wait… probably because I've never read the bloody book!' By the end of his rant, Dorothy-Harry was screaming, but to give Tin Man-Hermione credit, she didn't take it personally. Of course, the fact that she, as the Tin Man, didn't have a heart probably had something to do with that.
'Harry, in The Wizard of Oz Dorothy… that's you… goes with her little dog, Toto,' breaking off, Tin Man-Hermione looked around and when she spotted Hedwig, she shook her head. 'Or in this case, you've got an owl. No matter, to make a long story short, Dorothy ends up in the land of Oz and in order to get home, she has to seek out the great and powerful Wizard of Oz. Along the way she meets three friends who help her… the Scarecrow, who wants to go along so he can ask the Wizard for a brain; the Tin Man, who wants to get a heart; and the Cowardly Lion, who wants courage. As they make their way to see the Wizard, the friends run into the Wicked Witch of the West, but they escape and make it to the Wizard, who promises to grant all their requests if they will defeat the Wicked Witch.'
'Hermione, this is all well and good, but how exactly does this help us?' interrupted Dorothy-Harry.
'Come see, Harry,' said Scarecrow-Ron.
Following the scarecrow version of his friend, Dorothy-Harry hoped that he didn't break his ankle walking in the ruby slippers. When they reached an open door on the other side of the small house, Dorothy-Harry looked through and although his mouth opened and closed several times, nothing came out.
'A fish out of water look won't help, Harry,' said Tin Man-Hermione. 'As you see, there is the Yellow Brick Road that we have to follow. Although, I'm not sure what we'll find once we get to the end.'
'Guess there's only one way to find out,' said Dorothy-Harry tiredly. 'Let's go.'
'Harry,' called Tin Man-Hermione pointing at Hedwig. 'You forgot something.'
Sighing, Dorothy-Harry held out his arm, 'Come on, girl. Let's see if we can get out of this crazy world.' And so it was that the four friends found themselves making their way along the Yellow Brick Road.
After what seemed like hours, but was in reality only a few minutes, Scarecrow-Ron whinged, 'Can't we rest for a bit. My straw is killing me!'
That was all it took, coupled with the bizarreness of the situation, the comment caused Dorothy-Harry to collapse onto a nearby rock in a fit of laughter. He held his sides as he laughed so hard tears sprang to his eyes. When Dorothy-Harry finally got control of himself, he sat up straight on the rock and wiped the tears away. 'Thanks, Ron, I really needed that.'
Scarecrow-Ron, on the other hand, was scowling at Dorothy-Harry. 'I wasn't trying to be funny, Harry. I was…'
But what he was would remain a mystery because the Wicked Witch of the West decided to make her appearance… or rather his appearance as the case was… at that moment. The Wicked Witch of the West was dressed in a black dress with the standard stereotypical black witch's hat. She… or rather he… had green skin and red eyes.
'Harry,' came a strangled whisper. 'Is that…'
Dorothy-Harry never moved his eyes from the sight before him, but replied quietly, 'Voldemort.'
'Give me the ruby slippers of Gryffindor and I'll spare you and you're little friends, Potter!' called the Wicked Witch-Voldemort.
'Never!' yelled Dorothy-Harry. 'I'll never give you the last surviving relic of Gryffindor!'
'Then you will die,' spat the Wicked Witch-Voldemort venomously.
'Run!' screamed Dorothy-Harry at his friends.
As the four friends scrambled to get away from the crazed maniac after them, they heard the Wicked Witch-Voldemort's parting remark.
'I'll get you, my pretty, and your little owl too!'
Tired straw or not, the four friends and Hedwig didn't stop until they reached a grand castle. Once at the front doors, they collapsed onto the steps, panting for breath.
'Well,' said Tin Man-Hermione when she could finally breath properly. 'I think we found the Wizard.'
The other three just looked at her like she had grown a second head.
'Who are yeh?' a voice called out.
Dorothy-Harry looked around, but didn't see anyone.
'Up here,' came the voice again.
Looking up, the friends realized that there was a head sticking out of a smaller door within the larger door. Doing a double-take, Harry gasped, 'Hagrid!'
'Harry! I din' recognize yeh. Come in, come in,' Doorman-Hagrid called swinging the massive door open and ushering them all inside.
'Hagrid, we need to see the Wizard,' said Tin-Man Hermione.
Doorman-Hagrid looked nervous. 'The Wizard is awfully busy. Perhaps if yeh come back next week…'
'Next week!' yelled Dorothy-Harry. 'Hagrid, we have to get out of whatever nightmare we are in. We have to see the Wizard now!'
'Follow me,' commanded a small creature, whom Dorothy-Harry recognized as Dobby, the house-elf.
Before any of the friends had a chance to speak, they found themselves in front of another large door. Looking around at the house-elf, a bewildered Dorothy-Harry opened his mouth to speak. But before he could, Dobby said one word and then disappeared.
'Knock.'
Looking at each of his friends individually, Dorothy-Harry raised his fist to the door.
'Go ahead, Harry. If everything holds the way it's going, then the Wizard will be Dumbledore and he can get us out of this mess,' said Tin Man-Hermione.
Without wasting another second, Dorothy-Harry smartly rapped his knuckles on the door.
'Who is it?' a deep voice called out.
Dorothy-Harry looked at Tin Man-Hermione. 'That's not Dumbledore,' he muttered. Then he raised his voice and called out, 'It's me, Harry Potter, and my friends. We need help.'
'Help,' said the voice nastily. 'To get help, you must earn it. If you want my help, you will have to defeat the Wicked Witch of the West and bring back the dead snake as proof.'
'But…' spluttered Dorothy-Harry.
'You have my answer. Be gone,' commanded the voice.
'Why does this stuff always happen to me?' whinged Dorothy-Harry.
'Because you're the Boy-Who-Lived… or maybe that should be the Girl-Who-Lived,' said Scarecrow-Ron laughing.
Narrowing his eyes at Scarecrow-Ron, Dorothy-Harry just turned and walked back the way he came, forcing the others to run in order to catch up.
'So what are we going to do?' asked the Cowardly Lion-Neville quietly.
'We have no choice, do we? If we want out, we've got to defeat Voldemort,' said Dorothy-Harry in a overwhelmed tone of voice.
And so it was that the friends headed back to find the Wicked Witch-Voldemort. They hadn't got far into the forest when a flock of Winged Monkeys attacked. They pulled the straw out of Scarecrow-Ron and scattered it all along the forest floor. They stole the axe from Tin Man -Hermione and knocked the oil can she carried into the bushes just before dumping a large bucket of water over her head, effectively freezing her in place. Two of them grabbed Dorothy-Harry, while another grabbed Hedwig and flew away with them, and the rest chased Cowardly Lion-Neville into the forest.
A short time later, Dorothy-Harry found himself dumped at the feet of the Wicked Witch-Voldemort.
'And so we meet again, Harry Potter,' said the Wicked Witch-Voldemort. Then turning to the Winged Monkey that held Hedwig, he said, 'Wormtail, take the little owl and put it in a cage. It'll make a good snack for Nagini.'
How am I supposed to defeat him, when I don't even have a wand? wondered Dorothy-Harry.
'I think that I'll keep you alive for a while. I find myself in need of a maid and you will do nicely, I think,' said the Wicked Witch-Voldemort with an evil grin.
And the next thing Dorothy-Harry knew, he was cleaning the Riddle House. Figures, thought Harry sulkily. I get away from the Dursleys only to end up as a maid for Voldemort. Can my life get any worse?
'Potter, my Master requires you to scrub the throne room. Get a bucket of water and follow me,' said Winged Monkey-Wormtail in a monkeyish voice.
Sighing dejectedly, Dorothy-Harry grabbed a bucket of water and a scrub brush and followed the traitor into the throne room.
'Start over here,' commanded the Wicked Witch-Voldemort pointing to a spot just past him, while Winged Monkey-Wormtail made his way to his Master's side. 'I want the room spotless for the meeting tonight.'
Closing his eyes briefly, Dorothy-Harry began walking to the spot that the Wicked Witch-Voldemort had indicated, eyes glued to the spot so that he wouldn't have to see the mocking look on the bastard's evil face. And because he wasn't watching where he was walking, he didn't see Winged Monkey-Wormtail stick a broom out in front of him.
As Dorothy-Harry's feet got tangled up with the handle of the broom, two things happened simultaneously… Dorothy-Harry landed on the broom handle snapping it in two, with one small jagged piece flying across the room skewering Nagini through the head, and pinning her to the wall; and the bucket of water that Dorothy-Harry had been carrying flew out of his hands drenching the Wicked Witch-Voldemort.
Time seemed to stop for Dorothy-Harry. He just knew that the Wicked Witch-Voldemort would kill him now. At least I'll be out of this nightmare, thought Dorothy-Harry. But just as that thought entered Dorothy-Harry's head, he head a shrieking coming from the Wicked Witch-Voldemort.
'You cursed brat! What have you done? I'm melting! Melting…' And so it was that sheer dumb luck prevailed again.
The Winged Monkey-Wormtail looked at the spot where his vanquished Master had melted into a puddle and made his escape out the door, just as Scarecrow-Ron, Tin Man-Hermione, and Cowardly Lion-Neville came racing into the room with an excited Hedwig flying behind them.
Looking around the room, Scarecrow-Ron asked in an awed voice, 'What happened?'
Dorothy-Harry sat on the floor where he'd landed and launched into his tale. When he finished, Ron burst out laughing. 'You're telling us that he just melted?'
'It does fit with the story, Ron,' said Tin Man-Hermione. 'It's not exactly how it happened in the book, but in the end, Dorothy does dowse the Wicked Witch of the West with a bucket of water and she melts.'
'What happened to you three?' asked Dorothy-Harry. 'Last I saw, Ron here, was scattered all over the ground, Neville was running away, and you, Hermione, were rusted solid.'
'Grab the snake as proof and I'll tell you on the way back to see the Wizard,' said Tin Man-Hermione.
As the four friends walked back to the castle of the Wizard, Tin Man-Hermione told the tale of how the Cowardly Lion-Neville finally managed to find his way back to the place where she had rusted and searched until he found the oil can which he used to oil her joints so she could move. Once she was able to move, the two of them had begun picking up the straw that had been the stuffing of Scarecrow-Ron and re-stuffed him. It had taken them a long time, but when they finished, the three of them had set out in search of Dorothy-Harry and Hedwig. The three had just found the Riddle House when Winged Monkey-Wormtail went flying past them and they found Dorothy-Harry in the throne room.
As the tale wound down, the group arrived at the door of the castle for a second time. But before he could knock, Doorman-Hagrid pulled the door open and pulled Dorothy-Harry into a hug.
'I was so worried about yeh. All of yeh,' he said.
'We're fine, Hagrid' wheezed Dorothy-Harry. 'But, I can't breathe.'
Doorman-Hagrid turned Dorothy-Harry loose so quickly that he stumbled and only the Cowardly Lion-Neville's hand on Dorothy-Harry's back kept him from falling.
'Sorry,' mumbled an embarrassed Doorman-Hagrid.
Before Dorothy-Harry could respond, Dobby popped up out of nowhere. 'The Wizard awaits. Follow me.'
The four friends followed the little house-elf through the door they had knocked upon during their first visit to the castle and came to a large room where a glowing green skeletal head seemed to be floating in mid-air. They stopped in front of the head.
'Do you have the snake?' demanded the head.
'Yes, sir,' said Tin Man-Hermione.
'Have the lion bring it closer,' the head commanded.
Cowardly Lion-Neville looked sick at the prospect, but carried the bag containing Nagini's corpse closer to the head, dumped it on the floor and then fled back to where his friends were standing. Just as he returned to their side, Dorothy-Harry walked away towards a curtain in the corner.
'Potter!' called the head, but Dorothy-Harry paid no attention to it and proceeded to pull aside the curtain, revealing his most hated professor… Severus Snape.
The next thing Harry knew, he was opening his eyes and looking into the obsidian orbs that most assuredly belonged to the Potions Master. 'It's you!' spat Harry struggling to stand.
'Potter, I don't know what damage that bludger did to that small brain of yours, but unless you hold still so I can levitate you to the hospital wing, you'll find yourself in detention for the rest of the year,' snapped Snape.
Bewildered, Harry said, 'I'm not Dorothy? Hermione's not the Tin Man? Ron's not the Scarecrow? And Neville's not the Cowardly Lion.'
'Dorothy? I sincerely hope not, Potter. If you are, you have got to be the ugliest girl I've ever had the misfortune of meeting. As for Miss Granger, I can assure you that she is not made of tin, nor is Mr. Weasley made of straw. However, cowardly lion certainly seems apropos for Mr. Longbottom,' scowled the Potions Master as he levitated Harry onto the conjured stretcher and proceeded to levitate it to the infirmary.
Just before he walked out, Snape leaned over Harry and snapped in a whisper, 'Always have to stick your nose where it doesn't belong. Just had to see behind the curtain, didn't you!' Then he turned and stalked off, leaving a very confused Harry gaping after him.
The End!