The turgid slow flowing river of Lethe crawls past me with a slow gurgling roar. Inviting and threatening in the same glance.
He chose her.
I knew he would. How can I compare to the Goddess of Love and Beauty? When she sighed his name to me and confessed her amour, I first felt the tiny prickles of fear. I was scared to lose my Sun. He glowed in this dark land brighter than my memory of Helios and his chariot.
Those prickles slowly entwines around my heart and tore it apart as I watched the two of them talk with their heads bent close to each other and laugh at a private joke. I never really had any hold over him, I realize now. He never loved me like I loved him. He was like the sun I always compared him too. Shining his brightness on me impartially as I loved and worshiped him.
A goddess shouldn't worship a mortal. It went against all logic. It was contrary to nature. But so is a spring goddess residing in the land of death. Where rebirth never happens. Can't happen. So when he smiled at me and my world grew a little brighter, I promised him my heart and soul.
Hades hated him from the start. When I opened the box that Aphrodite sent me, he saw my face soften and lighten. He told me to get rid of it. I clearly remember him calling the little baby that lay sleeping in the casket an it. My heart turned cold towards him just as quickly as it warmed to Adonis.
He grew faster than I imagined. He grew in a place that never changes, that rejects change. He never belonged here. He never belonged with me. How I wish things were different though. It's hard to breath when I think of him. My heart lies cold in my chest and doesn't feel the oxygen in my lungs. Everything stops when I think of him. I live in an eternal night without him. In absence of the sun, the world is darker than it ever was. Everything that pleased me about this land leaves me cold and wishing for my sun. I turn from my husband, the seeds of a pomegranate are left untouched.
I'm a different person when his bright gaze is on my skin; No longer am I the cold, competent Queen of the Underworld. I'm Kore again, an untouched maiden playing in the tree's and laughing without a care. If only the trees were the trees of my childhood, not the tall dark cypress that grace this land.
I played hide and seek with him when he was a child, and his laugh made me think of birds singing and Zephyr's breath through fields. I would chase him through the tall trees and giggle as he shrieked in laughter. He made me feel as young as him. When he was older we played in those same fields of cypress, but a different game now. He was the chaser, though I still giggled as soon as we touched.
I know now, though, that it was just a game to him. I'm left chasing after him again, as if time is going backwards. He won't laugh if I catch him though. He'll turn his look of light on Aphrodite for help.
He was given four months with me. Four months with her. Four months for himself.
When I heard that for his personal months he chose her, my world was engulfed in night. Even the memory of his glow and his smile wouldn't light up my world.
Yesterday, I asked for strawberries for my morning meal. I was informed that their wasn't a single strawberry ripe enough to eat. I left the dining hall fighting to stay composed and barely made it to my personal suite; Where I slowly crawled into my bed and let the tears I'd been fighting fall heavy and slow. Like the river that crawled in front of me today.
I don't think he even realizes my pain. Who am I kidding? I know he doesn't. It's been too long since I was a maiden dancing in the sun. I'm not used to the warmth and am slow to unthaw. He never knew how I felt. When I thought my smiles and light touches told him how I felt, he thought they were the smiles of friendship. Is it too late?
Yes. He's chosen her. Aphrodite. Beautiful. Charismatic. Warm. She is used to the sun. She has danced in his glows from her birth from the oceans froth. It isn't fair. She could have anyone she wished for. Others vie for her attention. Why did it have to be him? Why my sun?
She was one of my closest friends. IS one of my closest. This changes nothing, though it hurts my heart to smile at her beautiful face when I know one of the reasons she is glowing like that is the attention from him. How can I continue smiling at her when he is sitting beside her, bathing her in his glow.
Which is what brings me to the banks of Lethe. River of Forgetfulness. One mouthful and everything would go away. I would remember nothing. I'd forget the sun and all that he makes me feel. I'd no longer have this heartache and the tears would stop flowing, though the majority of them only flow inwards. I still can keep my composure. I haven't been Queen for all this time for nothing.
One mouthful. One gulp. I'd never remember my sun again. I'd never think of his smile and feel that warmth. I'd never remember the real sun. Or my childhood dancing under his rays. My mother would have to introduce herself. Hades would have to teach me everything again.
He'd do it too. He'd take my broken self with no memory of myself and gently lead my through my duties. He'd tell me stories of my childhood and those I grew up with. He'd teach me to smile. He'd teach me what love is… again. I only need to look into his dark eyes when he looks into mine to know what love is. He's had other lovers. But they have never made his eyes shine like stars like I do.
Do I really want to forget that? Forget everything?
These thoughts are what keeps me here. On the bank of the Lethe staring into it's dark depths. It's clouded waters that would obscure everything I know both inviting and threatening at the same time. I had held the tears for so long but the slowly ran down my cheeks. I didn't even realize I was crying at first but when I felt the warm wetness on my cheeks I knew I was caving.
I remember another time when the tears took me by surprise in the gardens of the Underworld. It was Helios who I was crying over then, not my personal sun. I was so defeated and it was a gardener who came to my aid. He listened to my worries and told me about the benefits of staying in the underworld. I had no strength left and ate those seeds. I've always loved pomegranates. For ages afterwards I never regretted that decision. Not until I felt the rays of Adonis. He was so warm and changeable. He is everything that Hades and the Underworld is not.
Will anyone save me now? Will anyone listen to my tearful story?
Even as I think this, staring into dark waters, I feel strong arms wrap around me. He's always been as stable as marble, and as cool. I used to marvel at his cool touch that made goose bumps raise on my skin. I used to love his wintry touch before I felt the sun.
Though as I lean into his chest and feel his arms tighten around me, my pain is dulled. My heart is held together by his arms instead of falling around my heart in infinite pieces so small I'd never be able to repair them. He knows that I am in pain for giving my heart to another, but still he comes to me when I am denied. I close my eyes to stop the tears. It's not fair for him to see me cry over another man.
I turn and hide my face in his chest and he whispers, "I love you." In my ear.
I can't say it back now. The words won't come. Though eventually I will be able to return his affection again. With his help I can turn from Lethe and live again. Memories of Adonis will be there, and right now I can't imagine ever looking on those memories without pain. It will get better though. Hades will help me. Hades will teach me to live in a place without a sun again.