THE ZIMVENTURES
A PEACEFUL INTERLUDE
Whoops! I forgot. Cris Zim is dead. There can't be another Zim story. Well, I guess you guys are going to have to settle for this . . .
THE MISADVENTURES OF
D-DOLLA' AND PERVDOZ
A PEACEFUL INTERLUDE
At least 12 hours ago in a galaxy right here . . .
Pervdoz dropped into the booth and let out a tremendous sigh. The pint of Guinness in front of him still fizzed, so it wouldn't be ready for consumption for a few more minutes. This was an impossible situation.
Across the table from him Dolla guzzled his crappy domestic beer. "You know what? I don't think they're going to show up."
"They have to," Pervdoz said. "Fitz texted me an hour ago and said he'd be a little late. Bruni lives, like, forty minutes away, so he's going to take forever to get here."
"Dat's crap," Dolla said.
A spider walked across the table, and Pervdoz laughed, pointing. Dolla recoiled and slapped the eight-legged freak with his hand. It splattered.
"That's not cool," Pervdoz said.
"It was disgusting. And why'd you laugh? I swear, I could drop this napkin, and you'd giggle yourself silly."
Pervdoz laughed. "That's FNG, not me."
"That's the both of you. Easy laughers. You guys make me sick."
"Calm down, Dolla."
"I need another beer. Dis is crap." He pulled out his phone and started checking his texts.
Pervdoz looked at his Guinness. It was perfect. He smiled, and everything was right in the world.
Fitz finished the final preparations for the evening, and he headed out into his living room. His roommate was nowhere to be seen. Of course. Upon closer examination, he heard the shower going in the other bathroom. Cris hadn't been out of the house for a while, so this was a good sign. Perhaps Cris was getting ready for a night on the town. Well, just to be safe . . .
"Hey Cris! I'm heading out to Mullin's! You wanna come out? Get some drinks?"
"I can't hear you! I'll be out in a minute!"
Fitz found his leather Indy jacket and tied his shoes. The bathroom door opened, and Cris emerged, wrapped in a towel and nothing else. Fitz felt his breath blast out of his lungs, and he couldn't inhale. His roommate was so beautiful it was unbelievable. Her long blonde hair cascaded around her gorgeous face, and the towel could barely conceal her full, round breasts and her perfectly curved legs. He praised the day his old roommate moved out and he put an ad on Craig's List.
Too bad she had no interest in men.
"Let me get some clothes on," Cris said. "I'll only be a minute."
Right. Of course she'd only be a minute. Fitz took off his jacket and turned on WORMHOLE X-TREME. He figured it would be a while before he got to the bar.
Pervdoz laughed, staring at his phone. There were a whole bunch of squiggly line which meant that it was picking up the sound around him. It also made a beeping sound, which only enhanced his experience.
"What the fuck now?" Dolla asked.
"Check it out." Pervdoz showed him his phone.
"That's it? This isn't funny. YAWN."
"You need to buy a sense of humor. Only a Russian spy wouldn't find this funny."
"There you go again, living in the past. You need to get some new material. Russian spy. Please."
"Dude! They have a tricorder app!"
"A what?"
"Tricorder. You know, like Bones had."
"I don't watch dat Star Wars crap."
"It's Star Trek."
Dolla blinked and offered a grim smile. "You know what? I think I'm going to talk to some girls. You hang out here with your crap."
"Whatever, dude."
Bruni pressed the accelerator to the floor, knowing there was something wrong in the universe. It wasn't a simple matter, either; Future Booze Jesus had come to him in a dream, telling him that something or someone was missing from this world. It was an integral piece, but through quantum tampering, it was removed forcibly from the tapestry of the galaxy.
And it had something to do with Fitz. Maybe he would know. But this wasn't a phone conversation sort of thing; this had to be done in person.
Bruni tore through Lisle, gulping down mouthfuls of Fleischmann's straight from the handle, hoping that he would be Future Booze Jesus in time.
"What happened with the girls?" Pervdoz asked.
"Shut up."
Pervdoz finished off his beer. "I'm getting another drink. When I get back, I'll be your wingman."
Dolla scoffed. "Those girls don't want to be raped, Pervdoz."
"Jesus, dude. That's harsh."
"You're the one who hangs around women's fitting rooms, hoping to get a peek. Did you cut a hole in the wall so you could get a better look?"
"I'm telling you, anyone would have done it."
"Yeah, and they would have been arrested for it."
"By you? Captain Observation himself?"
"Dat's crap."
DD sat in a darkened room, naked, dialing his phone with one hand and turning his crank with the other. He had so many numbers, but none of these girls wanted to talk to him. If he was lucky, he'd be able to finish himself off listening to the voicemail annunciator before it beeped.
No dice, though. It was just a robot voice listing off the number he'd just dialed. Fucking cunt.
Maybe he'd show up at Mullin's. He'd heard some of his former coworkers liked going to that place.
"I call shenanigans," Pervdoz said.
"What? Why?"
"There is no way that you managed to get two girls at once. I know you. That's just impossible."
Dolla whipped out his phone. "I'll show you a picture of one of them. She's super hot."
"I want pictures of you fucking these two girls," Pervdoz said. "Pictures or it didn't happen."
"Wait, you want me to show you a picture of me fucking? No wonder we call you Pervdoz."
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I do. Pervert."
"What? Will you take pleasure in gutting me, boy?"
"That's a great movie."
"Get some new material, Dolla."
"That's my line. It's copyrighted. You can't use it."
Pervdoz rolled his eyes. "Whatever. I give up."
"Big surprise, Slothdoz. I'm surprised you're staying up this late."
"I may be lazy, but there's drinking to be done."
"It's nine at night. It's way past your bedtime."
"Don't you have people weaker than you to harass?"
"Hey, I resent that. I don't pick on weaker people. I want a challenge."
"Is that why you pick on [name redacted]?"
"I don't pick on [name redacted]!"
In a world where Pervdoz and Dolla find themselves locked in an argument that will last forever . . .
In a world where Fitz has a hot roommate instead of the usual gaggle of slobs . . .
In a world where Bruni ponders the problems of the universe and how to fix them . . .
In a world where DD still slinks about, free to harass everyone . . .
In an incomplete world, one man is the missing puzzle piece, and somewhere in the deepest, darkest, forgotten hole Cris Zim openes his eyes, and when he sees his surroundings, he screams with all of his might at the horror . . . THE HORROR!
TO BE CONTINUED IN THE NEW ZIM STORY! COMING SOON!