Prologue
Rewritten on 1/3/12
My heart is full of dust and sand.
At least, it feels that way. I remember when I could feel my heart thudding at the smallest brushing of skin against skin. I remember feeling that my cheeks were heated when the gentlest of kisses was placed upon my lips. I remember feeling how cold his skin was against mine as he touched me in places no other had before, drawing me deeper into a world of passion unfamiliar to me.
It's not like that anymore.
When his hand touches mine, I feel nothing. It's just skin, nothing more. When he kisses me, I follow the routine that we have set without feeling the emotion behind it. It's just a kiss, nothing more. When we make love, our limbs intertwined as we sprawl on the bed, I stare at the ceiling, seeing shapes in the abstract pattern. It's just sex, nothing more…
I love him. I really do.
But when I look at him, it just hurts so much.
When I look at him, he seems like such a beautiful creature, and I wonder how he found it in himself to care for me.
When I look at him, it's just hurts even more, knowing that he has betrayed me.
I suppose that I had it coming to me. That's what happens when you play Judas.
Where do I go now?
I can't tell my friends the truth. Do I even deserve to call them my friends?
Ryou is waiting for me with open arms.
I don't know how much he knows.
I don't know if he even loves me.
I don't know if I even love him.
But right now, I can't see any other way.
What follows on these pages is what has happened, leading up to this point. Maybe, when I write it all down, I'll be able to remember what my pounding heart feels like.
-Midorikawa Retasu