Authors note: This story was made for the amusement of you guys and myself and is in no way something I intend to make profit from. I in no way claim ownership to Naruto or Naruto Shippuden. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy these silly little stories!

-Midnathething

All ninja's had secrets, some more than others. Itachi had more secrets than most ninja, but with him being an Uchiha no one was terribly surprised by this fact. Itachi's deepest darkest secret though wasn't why he'd killed the Uchiha, no it was something far worse and far more embarrassing. The secret was so horrible that he hadn't told anyone, not his father, not Kisame, not his mother, not Shisui, not even Sasuke knew.

It was a secret he'd lied, cheated, and sent people into awkward situations to preserve. Itachi knew if people found out about his secret they would lose all respect they had for him. After all, what missing ninja wanted something as silly as what he wanted?

Uchiha Itachi, the same ninja who'd killed his whole clan due to orders, wanted a mustache. It was stupid and he knew it, after all, everyone knew Uchiha didn't grow facial hair. So no one ever heard him say anything about his secret desire for a mustache.

Itachi secretly thought the whole situation was highly unfair, all other ninja could grow facial hair, so why couldn't Uchiha? Most ninja couldn't even wear a mustache well, Itachi was fairly certain that he however, would be able to pull off a mustache perfectly. If he'd been able to grow one.

When Itachi and Kisame were ordered to go to Konoha Itachi saw an opportunity, and he decided to take it. All he had to do was get Kisame to agree, which might be difficult. Itachi was sure he could make Kisame see reasoning though, if not with words with a genjutsu.

Sure they could have just walked into Konoha, cause a huge scene, traumatize-but not kidnap- Uzumaki Naruto, possibly give Sasuke more issues if they saw him, for his own good really, and then leave, but where was the fun in that? While Itachi knew Kisame would probably say in the fighting and traumatizing a small child, Itachi had a better idea.

His idea was so grand, so breathtakingly brilliant, so incredible, that it would make other ninja green with envy, wishing they'd thought of a plan as brilliant as him. His idea was so perfect it would shake the elemental nations to their very foundations.

Itachi and Kisame would enter Konoha in disguises, sneaky disguises people would never expect to see them in, and he'd finally have his mustache.

. . .

Itachi knocked quietly before opening Kisame's door slowly. Kisame sat on his bed packing his things for their upcoming mission.

"Itachi, something the matter?" Kisame asked glancing over before returning to his packing.

Itachi stood in silence for a few moments, allowing himself to be slightly surprised. He'd always though Kisame's room would be a messy wreak, but in reality the room was neat and well organized. Itachi shook his head to clear the irrelevant thoughts away.

"For our mission tomorrow we will be wearing disguises." Itachi announced, silently daring Kisame to object.

Luckily the shark-like man did not object, which made things easier for Itachi. Itachi nodded and left, silently closing the door behind him. Kisame raised an eyebrow but did not say anything; he had to finish packing his things for the mission.

. . .

Izumo and Kotetsu were sitting at the gates of Konoha, bored with the job but unable to complain because by completing their missions as gate guards they were keeping Konoha safe. As Izumo had mentioned they were lucky, they hadn't been horribly injured in the recent invasion and thus weren't confined to the hospital or stuck doing deskwork, both options were horrible fates that ninja tried to avoid. The thoughts that friends and family had died and they'd almost died themselves were best avoided until a later time.

"Be a gate guard they said. It'll be fun they said. You'll meet lots of interesting people they said. No one's gone in or out of this gate all day, or the past few days." Kotetsu complained, tossing a balled up piece of paper in Izumo's general direction.

Izumo scowled, batting away the balled up piece of paper before it could hit his head. "You should stop complaining Kotetsu, we have seen interesting people, this job is entertaining on more crowded days, and no one is trying to stab us when we're being gate guards. And look, two people are coming now."

Sure enough, two people were coming. And they were probably the oddest combination Kotetsu had ever seen. There was a short, dark haired man with mustache clad in a garishly bright yellow and orange kimono over a pair of fire hued trousers with unexpectedly green sandals. He was accompanied by a tall blue woman with long blue hair, clad in the sort of expensive, close-cut dress only women with more money than sense wore, set off nicely by a long strand of pearls. Kotetsu did think the woman looked rather impressive though, in a lethal sort of way… He wondered if he'd be able to survive getting her into a bikini and a pool of water? After a few moments of highly unprofessional thoughts, he decided that the answers were – she'd look fabulous in a bikini, and it would be the last thing he ever saw in this life. Probably not worth it.

Probably, though he wasn't entirely convinced.

. . .

Kisame chuckled quietly before giving way to a full fit of laughter. After he'd stopped laughing and wiped the tears of amusement away from his eyes Kisame said, "I told you the genjutsu would fool them Itachi."

"I have lost all faith I ever had in Konoha." Itachi replied in his usual monotone.

Kisame grinned, "Don't be like that Itachi, you're just upset that the bakery didn't have any pokey.

"Yes, I am. Now stop bothering me, I have a mission to complete." Itachi replied, a hint of irritation creeping into his tone.

"Are you sure you want to do this alone?" Kisame asked for what must been then hundredth time.

"Yes I'm sure." And with that said Itachi jumped away, burring from traveling at ninja speeds.

Kisame snickered quietly. "He didn't- He hasn't- He's got no clue he's still wearing the mustache." Kisame continued to snicker quietly as he set out to look for a sushi shop.

. . .

Itachi spotted his targets from the trees and silently observed them for a few moments. Sasuke sat a notable distance from Naruto and his pink haired teammate whose name eluded Itachi's mind at the moment. Naruto attempted to suggest something but the pink haired girl hit him before he could finish his sentence with a shriek of "No, no dates!"

Itachi debated separating the team but concluded that if the way the team interacted and what he knew about Sasuke meant anything the team would have teamwork skill worse than something dead.

Itachi jumped from the trees with a calm call of, "Stop right there."

The three ninja spun to face Itachi. "Who're you?" Naruto demanded quietly, muttering a quiet "Maybe that's what Kakashi-Sensei looks like under his mask."

Itachi was fairly certain the Uzumaki and the concept of an indoor voice had never met.

"No you idiot." Hissed the pink haired girl, hitting Naruto again. "You should know by now that Kakashi-Sensei has a different hair color than that anyhow."

"Gah- Sakura-Chan, why did you hit me?" Whined the Uzumaki loudly clutching at his head.

Sasuke sighed. "Who are you and what do you want?" He demanded. Ah Sasuke, always tactless and straight to the point.

Itachi frowned thoughtfully. He'd been certain Sasuke would recognize him on sight and charge him with the strongest jutsu he knew, so what was wrong?

What had kept Sasuke from charging face first into danger the way he had since he'd learned to walk? Had his little brother developed a ninja sense of caution while he'd been gone? Had Kakashi really been a teacher skilled enough to teach something so important and difficult to grasp that some still didn't understand the concept when they died? And in such a short time too? He reached up to brush his lip thoughtfully, mimicking the "Don't bother me, I'm thinking." gesture that Nara were well known for.

His fingers brushed over hair.

Itachi sighed. "I'm still wearing the mustache aren't I?"