The Justifications Of Gamma Jack

by Ms. Kinnikufan

Disclaimer: Pixar owns him.

Lately, the N.S.A. has been complaining that I've been using too much lethal force when stopping evil.

Ha! Like they know how to stop super crime. If the police/F.B.I./ other government goons knew how to stop super-villians/vilenesses they wouldn't need us supers.

I don't tell them how to issue parking tickets, so where do they get off telling me how to stop the all-so-dangerous bad guys?

The villains, they're dangerous, really dangerous. I can say without using too much hyperbole, that the super villains we supers fight are beyond the danger level that the N.S.A. can comprehend. Ya know what I'm sayin'?

Speaking frankly, the villains I "overuse lethal force" on pretty damn much deserve to die.

You know that Baron Von Ruthless guy? Well, I didn't end up successfully killing him, but he deserved to die nonetheless.

And it's not just due to the fact that he goes around causing mass destruction and mayhem either: It was your usual team-up of supers: The Original Thrilling Three was there (original meaning Dynaman was leading). Frozone (who was still making the transition from boy sidekick to solo super), and Elasti-Girl (a heartbreaker then, a heartbreaker now).

Anyway, we exploring Baron Von Ruthless's then headquarters (his h.q. have changed several times since then) for any possible clues to his next scheme (if it's one thing that villains always have, it's a back up scheme) and Frozone is wondering around the base solo, and this is despite the fact that the rest of us warned him that's just asking for decapitation. Well anyway, he lands on what is it called? Oh yeah, a trapdoor, that is what that thingy's called. Well, Frozone steps out on this trapdoor and he lets out this really girly "EEEEEEE!". Then there were two more screams are definitely sound like that they are from little girls instead of a guy with a girly scream.

It turned out that there was a dark and dank hole under the trapdoor and these two little girls were being kept there. Anyway we fish Frozone and the little girls out and they were in real bad shape. These two little girls were covered in their own waste. In their own damn waste. They'd been down their for at least a week or two.

Anyway, after the rubbed their eyes in reaction to the first light they'd seen in God knows how long, they began to cry and begged us not to take them to jail, that they don't want to go to jail, that they're scared of prison. Elasti-Girl (she being the least scary out of all those assembled) was reassuring them that no, no, they're not going to jail, the N.S.A. doesn't send kidnapped victims to jail. She then reassures them that we'll get them reunited with their mommy and daddy ASAP.

They then start bawling even louder saying that they don't know where their mommy is and that they don't want to go back to daddy.

Elasti-Girl asked why and then came the kicker: It turns out that Baron Von Ruthless is their daddy and that he was apparently keeping in the hole for "their own safety".

Needless to say all of us are shocked speechless. We all know Baron Von Ruthless was a bastard, but we never expected this out of him.

We got them cleaned up at the N.S.A. and Thunderhead and his "roommate" Scott agreed to take them in for the time being. I think Scott has some sort of degree in child psychology or something like that. Thunderhead ended up adopting them and they seem to be in good condition at the last N.S.A. picnic. Happy ending for them.

And ya know, that's one of the less disturbing account of child abuse I've come across during my career as a super. I'm telling ya, the world is a better place when I throw a "complete disintegration" blast at a super-villian. No fuss. No muss. No more trouble ever from Mr. "Ha Ha, I'm going to cause massive mayhem and destruction."

Also, the N.S.A. has been complaining that the fact that dames, specifically dames always given rescue priority even if there are others that need it more.

Let me explain: I won't deny it, attractive dames are my highest priority because I'm a red-blooded American man who likes the ladies. Then there are the plain and unattractive women and children. That's because it's been my experience that plain/unattractive women usually turn out to be real smart and stuff. Maybe it's an evolutionary thing to compensate for their lack of looks or something.

Men of all types at the bottom of my list. Why? Because it's been my experience that the "attractive (and I say this in a completely heterosexual manner) guys turn out to be stupid or nasty, while the gross ugly ones usually turn out to stupid and just plain useless.

Sexist? No, it's logical. Attractive women I rescue rev up my hormones and the unattractive/ plain ones may cure cancer. Thus, they are more useful and deserved to have their lives saved. The men usually end up annoying and/or throwing up on me after I rescue them.

I believe the superior ones should have rescue priority and let the useless fend for themselves.

Sounds like a good theory, doesn't it? So why don't all of you at the N.S.A. get the hell off my ass?