I´ve been thinking about it… and there are so many different stories about every single character in Twilight… every character... but one missing- Charlie!
And I like Charlie, that´s because I wrote a OneShot about him and his seven Months, in which Edward broke up with Bella. Charlie will talk about his faint and pain, and what happenend in his mind during this famous-infamous Months…
Can I say, have Fun? No, that´s not the right phrase for that.. I don´t know… Maybe it´s better to say, I will let you in a mind full of Pain and inner Deletion…
I like to thanks four persons… My Germans Betas Tina and Anke, my english Beta FelicitaS and my boyfriend, who is very patient…
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„The highest thing is immortal,
it won´t disappear, there´s no Apologize and no Sorrow; (…)
[the amusement] don´t have such space, that´s why it go away quickly and cloy and have no energy left.
There´s no substance in that case, which is comes quickly and disappears and the consumption destroys itself; and during the beginning it ends (…)"
Lucius A. Seneca, De Beata Vita, Epistulae 7.
Charlies POV:
September: A Fine Frenzy- Goodbye my almost Lover
September, 15th:
I was so happy, that Sam had found her yesterday in the forest, after long hours full of anxiety and panic… HE had left her, in the middle of a forest, between high trees and dark rough edges… Is there one situation, which is more contumelious than this? He had dumped her like a piece of crack, alone… with no one besides her… A broke up with my little daughter like a big asshole… The main thing is… he's able to grisp with it… but she' s not, I guessed. I realized, that her health wasn´t the best, so I called her school and apologized her for a week. It was an abdominal influenza, I said… Everyone believed me!
After the divorce from Renee I was lost… She ran away from me, back to Phoenix, with my little daughter, but I stayed back in Forks- alone and desolated! It shouldn´t have been this way, we were two different characters, I think! Who knows? To loose the first one you have been loved is really hard… Specially for Bella. That kid is too consistent! She will never lost one guy and run to the next one, who shows interest in her… In that case she´s like me! A part from me and I don´t know how big this part is, will love Renee forever. And I know Bella loved this guy and will love him for the rest of her life! In this way! But one-sided love hurts, if you know the fact, that the person, who you love, don´t like or love you anymore…
Since yesterday she´s been sitting on the couch and starring on the walls. She don´t say more than ten sentences. I mean, she was always a shy and a still person, who don´t like to speak big words, but it feels like the calm before or after the storm, no matter how you look on this case, knocks the stuffing out of me… I make her some tea from time to time and she slept on the couch… she said, that she don´t want to sleep in her bed… In one of this ten sentences she said that point...
The following days weren´t different. I drove to work and had such a bad conscience, because I left her at home… alone! She looked so fragile and vulnerable, how she was laying on the couch, with two blankets around her and starring into nothing… Since a couple of days she don´t ate something and the hot tea, which I make from time to time, gonna be cold… The closure of the waterbottle, which I put near to her… has been closed! She only moved, if she went to the toilette or something else… but she ran away from me, as I risked to turn the TV on! A few hours later I went to her room and saw her motionless starring at some imaginary points in the walls… My heart´s broken!
September, 22th:
Since one damn week… she didn´t eat, she didn´t almost drink anything, Bella never slept or rather the dark circles around her eyes told me another story… A story about anxiety, pretended shame and pain! I didn´t know what to do any longer and so I called exactly two persons…
Renee and Doc Gerandy…
I thought about, that I had to send Bella return to her mum, but the very thought to loosing her it´s like a hudge pump to my chest! She will be thousends of miles away from me- again! My heart´s bleeding, if I thought about this irreal situation, but it will be better, I think! No memories, no places, which could remember Bella, what he did to her…
When I called Renee, she promised me, that she will arrived Forks at the same day. How she could do that? I don´t know, but it doesn´t even matter to me… I just want a little smile on Bellas face! Again!
Doc Gerandy arrived on 14:30 pm, looked at my daughter and murmeled: trauma! Damn, I knew she was shocked! I just wanna know, what I´ve to do now… What can I do at this moment? My daughter´s going to destroy herself mentally. I feel broken-hearted and dolorous! There was nothing I could do… my little sunshine broken in front of me! I asked the doctor, to send Bella back to her mum. Back to sunny Phoenix! And Mr. Gerandy said yes, he thought that was right and as a collateral security he gave me some pills with active ingredient Benzodiapezin… I took a look at the package insert and got frightened. Nothing could be barre. Bella could die either on heart-attacked or acute renal failure!
And that´s all his fault. My hands cramped, after I getting realized how much I hated him…
Renee arrived a few hours later and we agreed, that we will take Bella away from here. Every part inside me had the hope, that this way was the right decision, but my heart cracked in thousend pieces. She´s going to leave me! One year… one year only she has been here!
At the evening we´re trying to bag her clothes and other stuff, she will need in Phoenix. Three Times we had try to speak with her… Three times no answer, no emotion, just an ordinary starring at this damn dump point at this wallpaper. No achievement… no corporate! It was frustrating. But then… all hell broke loose! It became cruel!
I would say that the last week was a hard one- oh, I cheated myself- the things that followed… were hell! Bella stratled up from her bed, and started to yell… My little daughter lash about her mother and me, throw herself back and forth… Screaming, throw her pillows through the room… screaming again and again… till she broken up after an estimated half hour…
She could´nt take this anymore… She was at the end of her rope… no energy anymore, apart from screaming… and crying! Like a baby dandled in my arms…
Renee and I agreed again not to send Bella back to Phoenix. At one point I was happy… Bella would stay with me, but in another way this case became a true, unavoidable disaster! And I was the only part of her parents, who is staying with her… Now I´m the One, who will suffer with her…
September- January: Seether feat. Amy Lee- Broken
She decided by her own, that she wanted to go back to school- yeah formal in any case! But instead of getting better, it was only getting really worse! It started with little things… suddenly she didn´t listen to music anymore! All her CD´s, which had romantic songs on it, were lay scratched in the garbage can. I found them, after I took some trash out of the house. I was shocked, had to closed my eyes, before the tears came out of them! I had to braced on the walls…
She should´nt see me crying, I have to be countervail against my tears… her pain was even too much in this moment! Then she ran away from every kind of entertaiment and conversation. She left the room, when I had turned the TV on or the radio playing some songs… Either she attempted to break out or turned it off without any commentary!
Books were disrupted and fulls of dry, spilled tears. They were lying in the garbage can, too, and I ran away from myself and my tears, which weren´t be allowed to spill. She did´nt eat more than necessary, and I believed just to keep herself alive. Her homework and the housekeeping were her only purpose to life. Bella did this things with more than perfection, but she didn´t speak to anyone more than a few words. When I asked, if she enjoyed the meal, she said: „yes!" Only a damn word, next to nothing.
I broke up, as I read this imaginary E-Mails, which she wrote Alice. No, it´s better to say… she tried to write something. Whenever she wrote, she got no reply… Bella set, if the Return-Mail appeared. Everytime.
„Undelivered mail… return to sender!" or „Your message did not reach some or all of the intended recipientes …!"
One Time, as she was asleep, I read some mails…
„Dear Alice, you´ve disappeared, like everything else! But who else can I talk to? I´m lost, Alice! When you left--- and he left--- you took everything with you! But the absence of him is everywhere I look!" or
„… Time passes. every tick that goes... by aches.. like the pulse of blood behind a bruise! But in a way I´m glad. The pain is my only reminder that he was real... that you all were real!"
My Heart was broken, as I saw my daughter in that way… There was no way to help her! It got to be a murdered routine, to listened her screaming night by night, her eyes full of sadness day by day! Every single night she screamed, yelled and cried. And in every goddamn single night I sat on her bed, stroked her hair, tried to keep her quiet, told her, everything gonna be okay… no matter, this boy not worth that trouble… but someday in december, I registered it… Even I didn´t believe that stuff anymore…
We are both broken and to saw her suffering didn´t let me sleep. It seemed that a happy ending just existed in dreams, which I hadn´t. Should it be a Habit?
Somehow, I didn´t know when these phase began, her so-called Friends didn´t called anymore, didn´t ask Bella out or stuff like that. At the ending, even Angela Weber, the girl I liked, gone. But I didn´t blame her, because Bella wasn´t human any longer! Just a vacuousness! Inside her wasn´t a real life, and I could say she died… psychological!
My daughter lost weight, I guessed, end december her weight wasn´t as much as 98 pounds, and her body height was 5´5 inches! Too thin and too much anxiety, because this not only even a emotional theme, but a health threat.
The dark circles around her eyes getting bigger from day to day and her obsession to get an E-Mail from Alice, too. But she didn´t get reply… au contraire! I became so damn tired and exhausted about the sorrow of Bella! Sometimes I thought, I could went with her to a doctor, or psychologist! But every Time I tried to speak with her about her problems, she started to yell! Horrible!
Maybe it sounds without remorse, but in the middle of January I´ve been started with long hours at work.. Just five minutes! I said to myself! Just ten minutes! It eating me alive, to have the choice in that way… I could choose, either long hours at work and a bad conscience or- and that was really worse- a sad and resigned Bella at home!
Middle of/end January-march
I could no more ….it really was too much…that's, why I issued an ultimatum, even if it seems to hurt me personally…
I had a huge lumb in my throat and my eyes were burning from all the tears I defend to come, when I almost murmered her, that she should either went to people with her age, or I would return her immediately back to Phoenix…. She flished and I saw something in her eyes, which made me almost gasp: Hope of HIS return!
And this would be unevitably removed from her, if she would go back to Phoenix…. though she decided the more practical solution and tried to made appointments with her old friends again. Certainly, I do not think, that the cinema visit with Jessica, or however her name is, was crowned with success! She came back almost overheated, as she had seen a ghost… on this evening, she typed something long in her computer and I hoped, that it was no email to Alice, that would cause a beginning of a new phase of depression.
Middle or end of January arrived, she finally had the idea to drive to La Push, to visit Jacob Black! From this day on, she visited him every day, mostly in the afternoon, after school till evening. I didn't know, what they did the whole time, but it appeased me a little bit, that she searched for contact to somebody…. With Angela Weber, she phoned on and again, though the conversations won't last long…hardly one was longer than three minutes, if I remember me right, but it was a beginning… after all!
The regularity of her nightly scream attacks didn't fade, but even I must capitulate, finally and even if it made me sad, I couldn't sit on her bedside every night…. just to stroke her hair, to tell her some endless phrases…how shall she believe me, understand me, if she's aware every day, that it's far from getting better with her? How shall she take my advice, when she knew, that this are empty phrases? She is an adult and even a child, that screams all day and can't be helped…. It's the pain, that eats her up inside, cause stomach spasms and sleepless nights… always the thought in the back head, how to help her the best and to know exactly, that even with fatherly providence, there's no way…
It makes angry, sad and in the end a bit, self resigned…
With Jacob on her side, it seems, that it's went better for her….at daytime, anyway! At night, she screams further on, with a laconic regularity at her deaf and dub walls!
At daytime, her cheeks now and then, are getting pink spots and her eyes sparkles slightly, when she speaks about Jacob, what she does more often lately….But he real sparkle, before the event with HIM was not longer there! I made myself a bit of hope, that there would be more between the both of them someday, as it seems in the moment… and I was surely not the only one, who hoped that this would happen! Eventually, she needs just a little more time…. a half of a year, or a year! Then she would eventually had all overcome and we could theoretically go back to normal….only in this formula were to many 'perhaps and contingencies'…..
Bella really seems to be better, till the day, on which Jacob and she had a conflict and she returned drowned with tears back home….The whole thing starts again…and again unanswered emails to Alice, the nightly scream attacks were more often, she didn't let anyone be near her and again, she didn't eat anything…she were a living leach, a zombie quasi!
She shut herself off from the outside world and I was near fainting…that I couldn't help her!
Some time went by and even if Bella and Jacob reconcile, they spend less time together. That was very hard for my Babe, she needed him, I had the feeling, to go a little back to normal…I didn't really know, what happened at that day, when Harry died, if Bella wanted to commit suicide, while she jumped from that stupid cliff, or if it was, so she called it, just fun and joy….never mind, anyhow, I recognized, that it couldn't go on with this any longer…I was finished up and so was she…seven months she has suffered, gruesome and despairing …. and I with her! I had planed, to give her another sermon, but otherwise I won't force her to something….
On this day, on which Harry, on a relatively young age died by ……a heart attack, I almost fell asleep in stand….was so tired and exhausted…. from all!
I opened the front door and went into our home….
March:
"Dad, guess, who is here!" I heard her shout. I anticipated nothing good, but anyhow I didn't show. The event with Harry, the funeral formalities and just everything….the past months claim gently their tribute from me. I was so ghastly tired. Just wanted to sleep, just do nothing else, but sleep, a little worthless watching TV, perhaps one or two baseball games with Billy, fishing….but first and foremost sleep, a long, dreamless peace…. I just don't won't every evening, in the last time it was not so often, but they are still here…hear, the constant bloodcurdling screams of my daughter…how she cries herself to sleep…gently sobs….as if she is concerned for me…. I shouldn't be burdened with her pain.
I saw at Bella without understanding. The sparkle in her eyes hadn't returned, just now and then it glitters slightly with the old magic of her eyes, but not so often, that I save this seldom and extraordinary moments for me…. I could count them on one Hand!
Bella started to be impatient, that's why I looked around, always expectant, that I would see something or someone, WHO made her life to the living hell for the last seven months….and, actually, I saw a black Mercedes standing in our driveway. However, I wondered in this little moment, that I hadn't recognized it before….did it stand longer there, yet? I can't say it! So much I forgot in the last time….perhaps caused by my age, oh yes, I went straight to my fifties, but in the first place for exhaustion and fatigue, which takes their tribute every day.
I wasn't sure, if it was the car of these…these…hog was, that parked in our driveway, if yes, I had my baseball bat in reach, to elide my dammed up aggressions on HIM and on this damn car. I'm anything else, than an aggressive person by nature, but this boy had made a wrack of the most precious, that I have, in the less than seven months. … She never lost one word, what was really the cause for all of this, that HE has ended this relationship, that starts so quite romantic, to brutal. As I found the letter dated the 14th September….
"I'm in the woods, walking with Edward. Back soon, Love B."
…, a part from me knew, respectively guessed it….that something was not, as it should have been…..it was just a feeling, I couldn't range it in….but perhaps, I knew it afterwards, was an anticipatory guess, what should come…
"Hey Charlie!"
Alice greeted me instead, the little sister of this monster…for Alice I've always had a debility…..for her brother since exactly 6 months, 30 days, 8 hours and 4 minutes not any longer….but Alice wasn't the cause, that her brother had left Bella in such a deplorable condition. Maybe he is a sadist and regale on her pain? "I'm sorry, that I arrive in such a miserable moment!" Yes, Bella must have inducted her in the things about Harry… I was bewildered! What did she here? Is HE here, too?
"Alice Cullen?" I asked aghast. I starred at her, and asked her again…
"Alice, is it you?"
"Yes, it's me! I was accidentally in the spot!"
"Is Carlisle…?"
All three of us, knew, that my rather question, behind should not explain the destination about Alice's father….It was about, if HE was with her. Perhaps HE would peek, if he had let her suffer enough, of if he could make one better…If he do another step to her! I will kill him! He has demolished her! Let her die inside…..
"No, I'm all alone!"
THAT'S, what I wanted to hear. In every way, I was relieved and I knew, that both women would be by themselves. Never mind, even there's a baseball game in the TV. Perhaps, a little hope cries to me, I could sleep this night a little pacified, if Bella's friend is with her. Anyhow something in me hoped, that Bella should shout this night….so Alice would witness and tell it her brother, which certainly has fun with another woman…..But, it would be interesting for HIM? His Ex cries tears for him…yes, and… ?
The more I think about him and the whole situation, the more killing thoughts come to my mind…..It would be best, to deflect me! I can't relax the right way…and would never, for the time, I knew exactly, that Bella would be happy…then, when the sparkle in her eyes would've been returned…then, when she would eat something, without screwed face! Then perhaps, when Jacob Black would succeed finally, and crack the walls a little, that she built up around her…..I let both women by themselves and plotted into the kitchen, while Bella shouted, that the dinner would be in the microwave… Nice!
My dinner…. but I was sure, that she has eaten like a sparrow from this meal….
Why don't someone understand, that I'm dying the same way, inside, to see my daughter fade away, how it kills her, that he isn't with her anymore?
The evening went eventless….I went to sleep early, as I had to catch up some sleep…how many nights I was awake the whole night, seated by her bed, till she falls in a fretful sleep with all the cruel sobs…. just to wake up screaming?
As I would go fishing, I stood up the next day around 8 a.m. and got ready, went downstairs to make me some breakfast… as I stepped into the kitchen, I saw that Alice was awake and questioned me, if she was an early bird, or if Bella's restless, so called sleeping has caused her from sleep… No, I don't think so, she looked relatively recovered.
I asked her, if she would like some coffee and breakfast and she said yes…. I went to the refrigerator, took some eggs, bacon and margarine…. till Alice surprised question send me right into hell.
"Was it very bad, Charlie?"she asked quiet and expectant….
Okay, she wants to know…. she should know! Every little detail!! I sighed… is there a word, which is equitable for this dimension?
"It was horrible!" I began… and turned to the cupboard, to have the stir bowl and some other stuff for making the breakfast….
"Tell me about it! I want to know exactly, what happened, after we get off!"
I froze and recalled me…
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