No infringement intended

A/N: this was the first qaf fan fiction I ever wrote. It is not complete, but I am going through it again and continuing it because I really, really like it for some reason. It is set 14-15 years after the 5th season finale and yes Brian is dead. But there are major b/j parts in here, I promise!

Letting you go

/flash forward/

The cemetery was a cold place to be. Rain was pouring down and the mist coming from up from the graves seemed to bring them to life.

Gus didn't even notice. The love of his life was in the middle of the cemetery, sitting inside a small pool of water and tears. The inscription in front of him read "Brian Kinney".

Justin was shaking from head to toe. His clothes were soaked and muddy. His hands were shaking.

The haunted look on Justin's face would have stopped a less determined man. Gus, lifted him off the ground and carried him, still shaking, to the car.

/end flash forward/

Gus POV

He hadn't been in Pittsburg for 10 years. There wasn't a lot he remembered of the place. It was sure different than Toronto, if not as chilly. The Pitts, his dad used to call it. He used to say he "fucking hated the fucking Pitts, the pit of losers". He always talked about leaving for NY or some exotic island and leaving the Pitts forever behind. Never got the chance.

"Hey man, you gonna move along?"

"Yeah,yeah, coming fat-ass."

"Ha,ha, always tactful. Just cause I put on a few pounds doesn't mean you can turn the knife around Mr. I'm-too –skinny- to lift – my-legs-off-the-floor."

Gus didn't grace his best friend with an answer. He just lifted his right eyebrow and stared briefly before turning around and picking up his suitcase.

He started waving for a taxi. His stance was powerful, chin up, head held up high.

The boys got in the taxi.

"So, where ARE we headed?" asked Charlie.

"Deb's" said Gus looking out the window. It was getting dark. People were hiding their faces in heavy coats, trying to protect them from the cold. "She is… a relative, I guess."

He'd been in the Pitts for only 15 minutes, and yet he already wanted to leave. He had such contradicting memories of the place.

"Gus!"

A screeching Deb was the first thing he saw once the door was opened. She was older than the last time he'd seen her. That was just a few months ago. But old people age like that, in days, in a few hours even.

Gus, at 19, had no fear of age and wrinkles. Of course, after a certain age he did think that old people were just plain uncool. He would be spared of such a fate of course. He didn't plan on living to become old, wrinkled and disgusting. No, that fate wasn't for him.

"And who the fuck are you?" her eyes turned to Charlie.

"I'm Charlie ma'm." answered an intimidated Charlie.

A second or two passed by, in which Debbie seemed to be measuring the boy up and down.

"Well, aren't you a cute one?" she finally said, smiling and squinting her eyes.

Charlie breathed a sigh of relief as the verdict was announced.

Debbie hugged Gus and Charlie too, for good measure. Gus thought she was probably the only cool old person in the world.

"Well, come on in then! You don't want to freeze your balls off right?"

She ushered them inside and they greeted everyone who was at Debbie's colorful living room. Gus's moms were there of course. They had travelled before him, along with his little sister.

His uncles, Michael, Ben, Ted and Emmet were also there and greeted both boys warmly. Most of them already knew Charlie already, from their visits in Toronto.

Gus was starting to get a warm feeling inside, he hadn't experienced in a while.

They sat down and began eating. Of course there was enough food to feed an army. They'd all come together for Christmas, which was 3 days away, but that didn't stop Debbie from force-feeding them all the while of their stay.

Gus was walking down busy Liberty Avenue. His hands were freezing and his nose was quickly turning a disturbing shade of pink. Gus was not a happy mouse.

He was hardly paying any attention on the street or the people around him. His headphones were blurring.

"Hang on, hang on
to your IQ, to your ID
hang on, hang on
to your IQ, to your ID"

Someone grabbed his arm and turned him around. Gus was surprised and about to tell the fucker to stop touching him, when his voice died in his throat.

The man whose hand was the offending object was staring at him with wide eyes. He was a lot shorter than Gus and his figure was small all around, but strong as well. He had long blond hair that was falling on his shoulders, and in his eyes, which were the deepest blue Gus had ever seen. Small wrinkles were around them, because he was squinting them against the –surprisingly strong but not warm- midday sun. He could have been in his late 20's, maybe early 30s.

Gus was mesmerized by the sight. The man's eyes had such a sparkle, something Gus could only describe as love.

Those same eyes froze over after a few seconds, Gus's previous impression so fleeting that he was not even sure he had actually seen it. Now they were confused and a bit angry. The man was saying something.

"I'm sorry what?" Gus plucked out his headphones.

"I said I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else."

The man's face came nearer his own and Gus felt his breath on his frozen cheek.

"You look so much like him though." He said it like he was confirming it to himself. After a second, he seemed to come out of his daze, and quickly stepped off of Gus's personal bubble.

For some reason, Gus's brain was screaming for him to step right back in.

"I'm sorry again." The man let out a sort of half amused puff of air, that could have been a laugh. "I'm really stupid sometimes. You couldn't have been him. Sorry."

He turned to walk away. Gus watched him take a few steps, shoulders slouched, posture defeated.

"Why not?" he asked before he registered what he was saying.

The man turned back to him and smiled. It was a small smile, but it was the saddest and the most beautiful smile Gus had ever seen.

"Because he is dead."

"oooh. Nice! Great way to start a conversation!" Charlie nodded, curly hair flying all around, like he was confirming himself.

They were sitting at Debbie's back porch, passing a cigarette to one another, hiding from Debbie and Gus's moms. Not that they would ever admit they were hiding, but well… they were.

"Yeah, you should put it in the list of your pick-up lines. Right next to "Was your Daddy a baker, cause you are as sweet as cake!"

"Oh come on, I haven't used that ever since I reached puberty!"

"Yeah, right!" laughed Gus.

"Any WAY" Charlie shook his hand as if he was trying to hit an annoying fly, "You say he thought you were someone else?"

Gus nodded.

"And you think you've seen him before?"

"Yup"

Gus thought that was the weirdest part in this whole situation. He hadn't realized it until he replayed the scene in his head, lying on his bed, in Uncle Michael's old room.

"So now you can't stop thinking about Mystery-man?" '

"Basically."

Charlie nodded. And after a few moments of silence he exclaimed, self-assured:

"Well. I'm not gonna tell you "I told you so", but I did tell you you'd fall for someone, what, 500 times?"

"This month."

"See, I told you so!"

Gus wanted to wipe Charlie's shit eating grin right off. "Well, who said anything about the L word? He's just some guy. I'll probably never see him again."

"Keep telling that to yourself my friend. After a cosmic coincidence like that?"

Gus rolled his eyes, but Gus looked at him like he was crazy.

"I'm telling you, when something is meant to be, it just happens. You'll see him soon enough…" Charlie got up from the stairs. He looked Gus up and down and then declared with a pride father's look "Welcome to the club kiddo."

"Cut it out. It's nothing. Next week I won't even remember him ok?" said Gus annoyed.

"Oooooooooh-Kay" Charlie knew not to piss a Kinney off. "Can we go inside now? My ass is freezing."

Gus slapped the aforementioned ass playfully and they made their way into Debbie's warm home.

"So, do you have a boyfriend, sweetie?" Emmet was looking at Gus through rapidly batting eyelashes. Lindsay sent a glare his way and he respectfully pulled his chair a bit more far away from Gus.

"No" the teen answered him. "I believe in a different approach when it comes to relationships. Meaning they are mostly bullshit."

Michael giggled and he and Lindsay shared a look.

"Anyway, it's not like I have the time right now. College life might be all fun and games, but I'm really concentrating on my studies"

"So no time for stupid romances huh?" asked Michael, his eyes glinting with amusement.

Gus didn't know what to make of this man. He was over 40, yet sometimes he looked like a 10 year old, especially when he was talking about Captain- What's-his-name or Rage… Well, he didn't talk about Rage a lot, at least when Melanie and Lindsey were around. Rage was something of a forbidden topic. But, Michael had given him a few copies when he was 15, after Gus had told him he was gay, the revelation only serving to bring them closer together. Gus had liked it a lot, but he felt sort of awkward getting a boner while looking at pictures of a superhero that was based on his dad. So he never had read past the first few pages.

Michael did things like that. He always had long discussions with Gus and spent a lot of time with him when he was visiting JR, his daughter and Gus's sister, in Canada. He had talked to Gus about sex when the boy was 14, gave him his first condoms even, and generally talked to the boy about things others felt awkward talking, like his dad or teenage angst. He was of course a bit silly and whiny, but he was the closest thing to a father for Gus and he loved the little man with his whole heart.

"No, none at all."

"Oh so that's what you're doing up till 5 o'clock in the morning? You're reading." stated Melanie looking at her son a bit strictly.

"Of course mom." The mischievous look in his eyes didn't convince anyone.

"I remember Mickey's "studies" back at school" said Debbie. "He listened to music and danced around in his room the whole time." she smiled. "When he wasn't daydreaming about Brian."

Michael chocked on his coke and blushed but didn't comment. Ben pretended to be enthralled by the napkins, but other than that there wasn't that much awkwardness.

Gus was pleased. He rarely got to hear anything about his dad, other than what Mickey told him. Melanie always said she didn't know him that well and Lindsay used to get all sad whenever a younger Gus asked her. So he had finally stopped asking. But he was thirsty for any new information that came his way, and he kept them like something precious, trying to find matching memories of his dad.

But now, as they were sitting around Debbie's massive dining table, going through another long meal, no one seemed to find talking about the late Brian Kinney unnatural, if maybe only not about Mickey's crush on him.

All his dad's friends were there, people Gus considered family, his moms and his best friend as well. Gus had a feeling he might learn something important about his Dad tonight.

"Justin sent me a card last week." Ted said out of the blue. Suddenly the air seemed thicker and cold as ice. "He says he's doing fine, and he might come for Christmas this year."

"Well it's Christmas in two days and I don't see him here." scoffed a very annoyed Michael. "Besides, he says that every year."

"You never know, honey." Emmet patted his shoulder.

"I know he isn't coming. This year or any other year for that matter." Michael folded his napkin and put it down. The soft material seemed to make a loud resounding thud that signaled the end of the conversation.

Gus silently cursed Mickey for his stubbornness. Now he wasn't going to find out anything. God, why did his uncle have to be such a whining ass sometimes? Maybe Justin was coming this year.

In fact, neither Michael nor Gus had seen Justin in 10 years. The others had visited him in N.Y., where he was living and working as an artist. But Michael had refused to. He said Justin should come at the Pitts if he wanted to see them. After 4 years they even stopped sending letters and calling each other. Now Justin was probably the only forbidden topic around Michael. He had once told a younger Gus, when the boy had asked him about it that "you don't just leave everyone behind. He was family, and now he is nothing but a stranger."

That was the last time Gus had discussed the topic with Mickey. He hated all the mysteries and family secrets. Either way, Gus knew by the hurt look on Mickey's face that he didn't think of Justin as a stranger. He was angry at him yes, but mostly he was bitter.

His dad's lover was someone he had little memory of. They had already left Pittsburg for Canada 4 years prior to his Dad's death, during which period Gus had seen the other man only once or twice, because he was spending most of his time in New York instead of Pittsburg and he never came to Canada. Last time Gus had seen him was at the funeral.

He had a vague, but ideal picture of him in his head. He remembered his blond hair and warm skin, he even remembered the sound of his laughter sometimes, but that was about it. He felt a craving to see him, to speak to this man who knew his dad so well. But Justin wasn't coming.

The conversation turned on to other things. Teddy's work, Michael and Ben's adopted son Hunter, who was doing great in Chicago but wouldn't be able to come for Christmas this year, Gus and Charlie's college studies and Emmet's latest fling.

Gus was starting to get sleepy from all the food and the relaxed atmosphere. He had, however, promised Charlie they'd check out the clubs. As he was trying to keep his eyelids from closing, there was a knock on the door.

Debbie opened it and she let out a loud shriek. Gus rolled his eyes. Could this woman get more enthusiastic?

"Justin!" she cried out and Gus's blood froze. Everyone fell silent. You could cut the air with a knife.

She was hugging Justin now. She let go of him finally with one last squeeze, and he stepped into the house, smiling. Gus thought his legs were giving out.

He was the man Gus had seen on Liberty Avenue.

Like you didn't see that coming, right? Lol. Anyway, if you are reading this thanks for giving this Justin/Gus thing a shot! Second chapter will be up promptly. Oh and I haven't forgotten about nice boys, I will update that soon, too. Hang on to your IQ is a placebo song ( a great one!)

Thanks for reading!:)