Chapter 1 - What Was Unattainable - Side A
Blue. How far away is it, the sky? That little blue square above the building to the right. That small bright area in a view dominated by grey. The grey of the buildings. The grey of civilisation. The grey of human lives. My eyes are again drawn back to that blue spot in the glass. My only window to the sky, to the outside world, to a place that isn't here, to a state that isn't trapped among wires, to a domain where the mind isn't constantly being held back by controlling substances.
Freedom. I long since forgotten what it felt like... to be free... To run feeling the wind against my skin, to touch upon nature and to surround myself in green, old, unknown, immaculate formations, be by modern time, or by man himself. How alike someone I know, how alike someone that died, someone whom I hated and refused to understand for so long. My father. Richard Croft. A man obsessed with whatever it was he was obsessed with. And now, ironically, I see myself in his shoes, tormented by an incontrollable drive, an urge to explore, to go where none else's gone. To find that what was once hidden for millennia.
Such compulsion was what got me here in the first place, it was such a feeling that sent me and the ones I held dearest to me to enormous dangers. This diseased blood, this contaminated mania that I inherited, this... curse... that's what murdered Roth, that's what imprisoned me, and my soul in this blasted hospital, where every window is a portal to greyness, where every waking moment is a peaceful delusion, an agonising calm achieved only by the drugs. And every night is a reminder of the torture, for dreams, as much as they bring me an escape from these walls, they also bring me the fright and the pain of Yamatai back into my consciousness.
'How I wanna be out! Please free me! Someone, anyone, please take me away from here! Even for a day, let me return to being me, to feeling normal again, just for one day.' My pleas didn't materialise. My wishes remained only wishes, and for as long as I can remember, I remained alone in that room, pursuing a hopeless ideal.
Chapter 1 - What Was Unattainable - Side B
I received a call. From my parents.
I received a call. From my parents.
"I received a call." Uttered I. "From my parents." The words echoed in the empty room, the sound striking the walls, and as in some kind of defiance, or grudge, bouncing right back to me. I couldn't stop myself from hearing it. My own words. I couldn't stop myself from clenching my fists. Neither could I stop the tears from forming in my eyes and subsequently falling, soaking the gown.
To them I'm nothing. How could I be? I wasn't perfect, nothing short of perfection would cut for them. To them I'm nothing, but to me, they... I wish they were... I wish they weren't nothing. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Dance to the song's beat. And always I'd say these things. And always I'd falter, at some point give up, and give in to forfeiture.
It could always be worse, and I'd always think that. This time, however, instead of thinking of their worse, I thought of my worse. 'What if I had died? Could it be that, even then, they wouldn't feel a slimmer of regret? Would anyone actually care? Does anyone actually care... about me?' The tears stopped as suddenly as they came. For I remembered something. I remembered someone. Someone who cared. Someone who, I hope, still cares.
I remembered the one who saved me, and in my mind I recalled clearly when she carried me in her arms, at that moment, the fire in her eyes, her whole body burned, I felt it firsthand, the flame of her soul's determination lit and consumed my own, taking with it, my heart.
'Lara. She's here too, in this hospital, somewhere. We've known each other for so long, but I never... I could've never imagined things would have turned out this way.' At first, when I met her, I meant to use her. Like a stepping ladder, the whole friendship thing was supposed to be fake. All while trying to impress them. Because I wanted so bad to be their long sought perfect daughter, because I spent all my time nose deep into books. Because one day I caught glimpse of this girl that did the same as me. Only, she seemed to enjoy it, while I hated it.
"How can you? How could you? Live in this trapped existence?" I recalled my words to her that day.
"Books are a window to one's souls. What are you studying?" Said she.
"Law." Said I, with a disgusted face.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk. I assume you're finding it boring."
"Right on the money." I responded immediately. "Ahem." I cleared my throat.
"Look." She turned the book towards me. A colour picture of a pyramid between trees filled the page.
"Archaeology." I thought aloud.
"This is where my soul is." Said she, tapping the page. "Some people find their souls in the law, in a courtroom, in a cabinet. Where is your soul?" Asked she, as her dark eyes pierced into mine.
From then on, I started living for myself. Ironically, I learned how to be selfish with the nerdy girl.