Hello Internet. This is going to be my first proper phanfiction so I hope you like it. It is based on a fan-made video I watched with the same title: watch?v=NDNskykn6Wg

I literally cried when watching this video *so many pheels*. Also, don't forget to review.

So anyway, enjoy!

Dan's POV:

I sighed deeply as I lay awake in the darkness, my mind warped by the many images of what could have been, what should have been. Alas, what will never be? Rolling onto my side I glanced at the clock: 5:00am…ugh will this night ever end…and sat up. Why am I such an insomniac? Why does my mind choose to present me these dilemmas only when the lights go out? I sighed again frustrated and wearily slid my legs from within the duvet and over the side of the bed, the soft carpet soothing against my soles. Ruffling my hair I sleepily rose to my feet, proceeding to pace the room…I really hope I don't wake Phil, curse these thin walls…

Like a frustrated caged animal at the zoo I complete my circuit of the room, able to dodge the many objects on the floor by my increasingly adjusting eyes. The floorboards groan under the pressure and make their annoyance known. Finally, when the creaking became too much to bear I retreated and sat at my desk. The floorboard closest gave a particularly load creak as if in satisfaction. With the deepest sigh yet I turned my attention to the slightly open window ahead of me; a canvas for a sleepy London. Minutes passed and I found myself lost in a sea of electric stars that illuminated the streets. Lost in this dreamy, kaleidoscope of twinkling lights I briefly forgot the persistent dilemma that gnawed away at my insides whenever possible like novocaine for my emotional disintegration. In this numbed state I notice a moth repeatedly pawing against the window; unable to find its way out. I rest my head on my hand and watched it's struggle, watched as it's energy drained from it's figure like a trapped spirit yearning to break free, to be the moth that it wants to be. I run my fingers through my hair and suddenly the hurt comes back; my struggle; the difficulty I have to live with every second of my life. You'd think being a young man living in such a privileged situation with a job that anyone would crave that I would be happy. But, I am yet to rid myself of the hurt that plagues me. Sure I can lie to those around me but I am not so easily fooled. I will not be deluded. Sure it looks perfect but the cracks are beginning to show in me and I am letting them become deeper and deeper, like digging my own grave. I can't hide who I am anymore; I won't. I don't want to be the person that everyone thinks I should be. I'm drowning in a sea of lies and conspiracy and right now there is no lifeguard there to pull me from within the waves…if only he felt the same way…if only I didn't have to go this journey alone…I place my head in my hands and allow a tiny ribbon of tears to leak from my eyes…why won't he just say something…I feel like I'm screaming but no one can hear and its tearing me up inside. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to hide.

I reach over and tap the lamp beside me on the desk which illuminated at my touch. Wiping a stray tear from my eye I open the desk draw and pull out a pen and paper…there's no point in lying anymore…I don't care what the fandom thinks of me. Shakily, I begin to write:

I cannot lie to you anymore. I cannot pretend that things are fine when they are so clearly not. Please do not hate me for what I am about to say and please do not think any less of me as your friend. It's just these feelings have been building for so long that I feel I cannot hold them in any longer. So…the truth is. I love you. I have loved you ever since we first skyped each other back in 2009. In fact in many ways I am very much that same boy from then as I am yet to show you my true self as the gay man that I am. Please, please don't hate me but the connection between us is so strong that I feel I cannot breathe when I am around you and I hope you feel that way too. You are more than a friend to me, you have been a lifeline to me. You brought me out of an abyss of depression that I once believed to be endless. You brought me back to life. I know this is a lot to take in but in all honesty it's the truth. Now I know you may not feel the same way but I can't keep it in anymore. You were my lifeline and without you, I am as good as dead. Thank you Phil,

Dan xx

I paused for a moment as I placed the pen on the desk. Did I just write that? Did I really say all of those things? Picking up the paper I re-read my message…yes that should be enough…I really hope he understands. Nervously I placed my hand into my desk and rummaged around for a few minutes before pulling out a small envelope. Carefully, and with precision, I fold my note and place it into the envelope, sealing it softly…please I hope to God he understands. I then turn the envelope over and in the neatest writing I could manage (it's not my fault I'm left handed) I scribbled the name 'Phil'. I manage a weak smile as I stared at my enclosed message. Thinking for a moment I wondered whether this won't be enough, maybe he should witness me saying these things. I shook the idea from my head. That would never go down well, even if before it was a prank (how I wish it wasn't). No, my original idea will be fine. I then hide the letter beneath a pile of books and retreated to my bed…tomorrow…tomorrow he will know it all.

Phil's POV:

I awoke with a start. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes I hauled myself into an upright position and listened in the darkness. I could hear creaking coming from the next room; as if a sign of disturbance…it must be Dan…I hope he's alright…ugh why must the walls be so thin. I remained seated on my bed for a few more minutes. Maybe I should check on him? It can't hurt. Something might be wrong. I shook my head. No, I'm sure he's fine. I mean this is Dan we're talking about; he's as tough as old boots. I glanced over at my phone: 5:10am…curse this never-ending night…will the darkness ever cease.

Now, completely awake I reached to the floor beside my bed. Feeling around on the soft carpet I find something that juxtaposes this texture: my laptop. Heaving it onto my lap I proceeded to take the browsing position. After a few moments of loading I was soon faced with the site I both loved and loathed: tumblr…so many phan gifs…if only they were real. I scroll down through the endless fan-made content until I could take it no longer. I push my laptop onto the bed beside me. Bringing my knees to my chest I proceeded to sit there silent in the darkness. Why must life be so complicated? Why must we be placed in these stereotypical categories? My thoughts soon turned to Dan. How can someone be so perfect but then so not? How could I feel so much for one person when the feeling has no chance of being mutual? I slammed my fist into the pillow beside me and buried my face into it dampening it slightly. I cannot tell him or I will lose him. He is the best thing that has happened to me in a long while and I will not let that slip away. I pound my pillow again, frustrated at the coward that I am. Why must I be so afraid? Why can't I just be brave for once? Heavy heartedly I turn onto my side…who am I kidding…I'll never be brave…I just have to face the facts…we can never be together forever. Like many nights before I drifted into sleep; awaiting another regrettable day.