NOTHING
Am I better off dead?
Am I better off a quitter?
They say I'm better off now
Than I ever was with her
"James, I need to talk to you," she says. Her eyes are serious and her voice flat and dull, an uncommon thing for Lily, who is usually so full of life. Immediately, a stab of fear shoots through me.
"Er, sure thing, Lily," I say standing up. It's dark outside, and so the corner of the Common Room she drags me into is nearly pitch black. I can barely make out her perfect, soft featured, can hardly see Remus, Sirius, and Peter watching avidly as we talk.
I can hear that Lily's voice thick, though I can hardly imagine why, when she speaks. "James, I—I'm sorry but..." At the word sorry my entire fills with ice. "I don't think we can do this anymore."
If there had been a wall behind me I might have collapsed into it. As it is, My knees go weak and my extremities go numb.
"What... why not? What's wrong, Lily?" I ask, my voice sounding strangled, foreign.
"I'm feeling like—I love you like ... anything, James, but," her voice is thick, too, but I don't believe a single word she's saying. She doesn't love me; I should have known it from the start. Probably went out with me in the first place to get me off her back and now she's got cold feet. "I just—it's a long, long story. I just can't be in a relationship right now. I'm sorry."
Why? My mind is screaming. If you love me so damn much, what's more important than us, I want to yell. But I don't. I close my eyes, blink hard once, and walk away.
As soon as I reach my friends, clustered in the group of the four best armchairs, I slump into the nearest one and put my head in my hands. In a heartbeat, they are asking me questions, but I don't want to talk. I cannot avoid the interrogation, and I say sharply, "She broke up with me, all right? Happy?"
They back off a bit after that.
After a moment, Sirius says. "Well it's obvious what you've got to do now, Prongs," in a matter-of-fact voice. "Who's up for the Hog's Head tonight?"
"We really shouldn't..." Peter starts, but at the look on Sirius' face he shuts up. Standing up, Remus slams his book shut.
"I'll go get the cloak. All of you, bring money, I'm broke," he says in a very business-like tone.
I pretend to be excited. I pretend that my heart hasn't just evaporated out of my body and been stomped on with a stiletto heel. I pretend that I want to go out, drink, break the rules. That's what they expect of me, after all.
As they take me to the local down the street
I'm smiling but I'm dying, trying not to drag my feet
They say a few drinks will help me to forget her
But after one too many I know that I'm never
Only I can see where this is gonna end
They all think I'm crazy but to me it's perfect sense
The Hog's Head is empty except for the barman, who doesn't care who drinks in is bar, and a hooded figure who I suspected to be some rogue from off the street who wanted a warm place to stay the night.
"What do you all want?" Sirius asks us as we approach the bar. We don't really answer, and so he says to the barman, "Four of the strongest stuff you've got." When Remus raises his eyebrows, Sirius says, "I feel like poor old James-y needs to get drunk tonight."
Whatever is in the grimy goblets he hands us, it is hot and firey and sends a blast of burning feeling throughout my numb body. It feels about a thousand times better than any drinks we've had on a sneak night out ever have before. Grinning, I take another swig and all too soon, the goblet is empty.
We spend a long time in the bar, them chatting with each other, trying to get me to talk about what happened with Lily, and after one too many drinks I decide it doesn't matter if they know or not, and I tell them everything. The world is going slightly unfocussed and I know I'm drunk, but I don't give a damn. Being drunk is better than being in pain.
"James," Remus says after a while, "I think it's time we left... I think you're probably a bit drunk."
Peter snorts. "A bit, Remus?"
"All right, fine, probably a lot drunk. C'mon, then!"
We venture out into the cold December night air. It has begun to snow heavily and as I stumble along I can barely see due to the fact that I'm drunker than I've ever been and it's snowing so hard even somebody sober could hardly see their hand in front of their face. My friends are guiding me along, making sure I don't bump into anything, complaining about the cold, but I don't feel it. I'm too busy formulating my brilliant plan.
I want to find Lily, and tell her I still love her, and make her see that she made a mistake. I want to find her and make her want me again, because I know that I probably can. I know this is probably a bad idea when I'm drunk, but I don't care. I only want to see her and make her love me.
It is a few seconds before I realize I can hear somebody shouting out her name, loud, piercing in the still, silent night. Their words are slurred. With a shock, I notice that it's me screaming. The warmth from the alcohol has worn off, leaving my numb insides to writh in their previous anguish. I want to fall down but I know if I want to see Lily I need to keep walking.
My mates are all there trying to calm me down
Cause I'm shouting your name all over town
I'm thinking if I go there now I can change her mind
Turn it all around
I know I'm drunk but I'll say the words
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred
Talk to her, confessed to her, I was still in love but all I heard was nothing
When we make it back to the Common Room, it's late, but I can still hear a few select night owls inside, talking, laughing, studying into the wee hours of the morning. I hope Lily's still in there, because once I'm sober, I'm not going to have the guts to do this.
"Carpe diem," Sirius says when the Fat Lady demands the password. It takes a lot more effort than usual to clamber through the portrait hole, but once I'm inside I see that only two girls are left in the Common Room—Lily and her friend, the blonde one, Abigail.
"James?" Lily asks, her voice full of concern and shock. Abigail awkwardly stands and backs out of the room, closely followed by Moony, Padfoot, and Wormtail.
"James, are you drunk?" Lily asks, a warning in her voice. I don't answer; rather, I approach her, trying to figure out how best to phrase the question on my lips.
"Lily," I slur. Her face is still beautiful, even warped and blurred by alcohol. "Lily, why?" I cannot make the question any more detailed; if I know Lily, and I think I do, she'll understand and she'll answer me.
"James, I'm sorry—it's not you, really. It's me, I just can't be committed right now," she says apologetically. I want to tell her I don't care. I want to tell her I need her. Instead, I say,
"Lily, don't." My voice is cracking.
"I—James, don't make this harder than it has to be. I love you, but I just can't be with anybody right now. I'm sorry!" Her voice is impatient, but I can detect the pain dripping from it. It hurts me to hear her in so much pain.
"What's wrong? Tell me," I insist, leaning in so close that I can feel her sweet breath on my cheek and count the freckles on her pink, soft cheeks.
"I can't, James, I can't explain—I'm just so—so overworked, and I don't want to go so fast, and-,"
"So we'll slow it down," I say. "Come on, Lily. Flower. Please," I beg.
And then she's kissing me. Even drunk, even with my senses diluted by drink and my brain fuzzy, it's a small paradise right in the common room. She doesn't need to have said the words, I know she's not going to leave me. My hands are in her hair and it's sweet and perfect and rough all at the same time. I don't care why she broke up with me, don't care that it's nearly three in the morning, don't care that I'm going to have a hangover in the morning. I don't care about any practical thing, don't care about real life. All I care about is Lily.
Was I better off dead?
Was I better off a quitter?
No, I'm better off now
Better off because I'm with her