I do not own any of these characters that I am going to be writing about. To avoid lawsuits I am saying this first.
It's a beautiful Saturday morning at 6:00; a man in his thirties is sleeping in a comfortable bed with his wife Becky in their new house. A crib is at the end of the corner of the room with his son Jake fast asleep. The man wakes up and looks at the clock on the nightstand by his bed. First day as my own boss. It had only been a few days since Dante and Randal bought the Quick Stop convenience store and RST video buildings. The years of being the boss's whipping boy was over. Dante gets up and dresses followed by a breakfast of captain crunch and a kiss on his wife's cheek on the way out. Once his Oldsmobile pulls up and parks a smile crosses his Vandyked face. As he goes in it seems surreal that this now belongs to him and Randal, with help from Jay and Silent Bob the ex stoner duo of Leonardo New Jersey. Dante turned on the coffee pots and hit the lights after all the shutters were open, checked all the papers, and re-stocked the coolers with various drinks and beverages. Manning his post behind the desk Dante set in for a day of excitement at being his own boss. A cash register at the desk had a sign saying, "If you plan to shoplift let us know, thanks the management". Six and a half hours later, after Elias's arrival at the video store to open, Randal shows up at Quick Stop. Hey, are you even supposed to be here today? Very funny man. It just feels great being free of that nazi slave driver we used to call boss. Tell me about it, because of him I never got to piss with the lights on in here. Douche bag. Luckily when we rebuilt we squared things with the electrician, even renewed his membership at the video store. Oh, man do I have a story for you Dante. Oh yeah, what? Well I normally could care less about the news, but I found this to be really interesting. These two guys, lovers as it were decided to have a little sexual experimentation. The one guy, lets just call him Grant told his mate to insert a cardboard tube into his rectum and put there pet gerbil in there. Well the gerbil gets in there and the other guy, we'll call him Kurt says that if grant should start to feel any pain to say the word Armageddon. Well the gerbil is still in there and the sick pervert starts moaning and saying Armageddon over and over well the problem is that it's too far in his ass to grab. Oh my god Randal. Just listen man here comes the best part. Well, Kurt grabs a match to lure the gerbil out and then it happens. What? It ignites a pocket of gas up the guy's ass; apparently they had just eaten some Mexican food. The gas catches fire, igniting the gerbil's fur, which in turned ignited a bigger pocket of gas. The gerbil flies out of Grants ass like Superman, cannonballing into Kurt's nose and breaking it and burning Grants ass. Both men were hospitalized, and the gerbil miraculously lived. What the hell man, where do you get this crap. The Darwin awards my friend, the only news worth a damn. Why do you insist on telling me this at this time of day? Man don't you see whets wrong with the world from that little bit of new? Know but I assume you're going to tell me. Man it's all Richard Gere's fault, if he wouldn't have used his influence to get other people to stick vermin up their ass this great world of ours wouldn't be in shambles right now. Richard Gere? Star of Pretty Woman, Richard Gere? Yeah, why? The guys incredible. He's older than us and he's in great shape, women adore him, and he is a pacifist and you're insulting the hell out of him. Oh what the fuck is he gonna do, the mans a Buddhist for gods sake. What's he going to do, have the Dalai Lama kick my ass? You're unbelievable man. Oh, come on. If people weren't out raiding pet shops in pursuit of the ultimate high that can only be achieved by sticking a furry animal into their sphincter maybe some of the real problems in life would be dealt with. Man you've got a customer; I'll talk to you later. In the background you can here Randal say "what the hell do you want" as he goes outside and into the video store. Outside of the Quick Stop, a car dives by. Once the car has passed the former stoner element, Jay and Silent Bob stand triumphantly outside with the jam box blaring King Diamonds "welcome home". Today's going to be a good day Silent Bob; we got the Lord watching out for us and a song in our hearts. Silent Bob just nods and agrees. Oh fuck you man, that no talking shit has got to stop. Back when I was on drugs constantly it was fine since I pretended you were all Violator from Spawn and shit talking in my head. Man, a few fucking words would be great. Silent Bob remains silent, smiling at Jay. Man I can't stay mad at you Silent Bob, looking all sexy and shit in your trench coat. You know, when I was I probably had a chance getting that tubby little dick of yours in my mouth but now that I'm clean and got god in my life you'll never get the opportunity. Jay kneels down by Silent bobs legs. Well, maybe this once. He moves in closer, then just as suddenly stands up. Gross you fucking fatty, you really wanted me to go down on you. Probably dream about you're yogurt cannon in my mouth, well fuck that shit tubby bitch. Noonch. Man if Justice were here man, she'd whack your ass for trying to convert me to the dark side. Then her and I would run off and fuck like jackrabbits. She'd be all oh Jay oh baby. Then I'd be like yeah baby, take it all Boo Boo Kitty Fuck. Snoogans. If you were all apologetic like, we might even let you watch. Or maybe you're tubby ass would just have to settle for some skin-a-max.. Bung. Inside the RST video store Randal sits with Elias, former mooby's worker and new employee of RST under Randal's supervision. Hey Elias, did you order any new \dvds for the rack like I asked you to? Yeah and I picked out some good titles too. Like what, Debbie does Middle Earth? No, good movies in which Christians like me wont be offended. Oh, god here comes more religious bullshit. I got Transformers the movie special edition, Transformers the cartoon seasons 1 through 4 as thats all I could find, and the relationship movie Rumor has it. Thats it, I am not letting you waste anymore of our money on shitty fucking titles that only you and your parents watch. I mean Rumor has it? You don't even get to see Jennifer Anniston naked. Hot ass chick like that and you don't even see her getting plowed. If they wanted that move to actually make any money and not end up like Gigli in all its horror they at least could have added a sex scene. You're so gross Randal. That's boss to you Pillow pants. Speaking of which? You and Myra ever get it on? Try any crazy shit like 69, or Alligator fuckhouse, or Dirty Sanchez, or a Schnurr Burger? No, and you've explained all the other stuff to me but, what's a Schnurr burger? Well, I named a sexual position after a teacher I had, Mr. Schnurr. The old fart was so goddamned boring I could manage to fall asleep even on caffeine. Anyways the position I invented is where you take your dick, stick it between your legs and let some horny chick suck you off while sticking her nose in your ass. Eww, gross Randal. It's not gross; it's surprisingly pleasing. I named it that because I always figured he ate cock and loved smelling assholes. Anyways, back to you and Myra. No, we haven't had sex yet. She turns 21 tomorrow, you know what that means. Pillow pants gets peed out of her body and we can boink. You did not just say boink. Actually I did why? Dude no chick wants to be "boinked" as you put it, they want a guy with balls. They want to be fucked, porked, screwed, banged, sucked, licked, pinched when appropriate, gargled, slammed, diddled, stuffed, nailed, or filled. They want passion, or at least thats what all the 17-year-old girls tell me. Randal, I can't believe you're having sex with girls younger than me. Don't you have to register as a sex offender? Yes, best damn thing to happen to me. Being known as a sex offender? Yeah, keeps all those goddamned little neighborhood fucktards off my lawn. Little bastards ringing the doorbell then running, thinking it's cute as hell. Even Anne Frank could see that these kids need discipline, but their poor excuses for parents are to busy watching fucking Deal or No Deal to give a shit so long as the little bastards are ruining their primetime viewing. Thank God that there are people like Dane Cook out there who knows what's wrong with this world and how to handle it. My parents say he is a soldier of Satan because he talks about the Cool-aid man. What's the problem with that? Uh! The cool-aid man trespasses on people's property by crashing through the wall, uninvited he just stands there grinning then he molests little children by having them drink his fluids. Holy shit dude, you're more out of whack then I am. We've got to get you laid, and I know just who to call. My old friend Shay owes me a favor; I think she may be able to help you lose your virginity. Randal, I can't I'm in love with Myra. Dude, the chick fed you lies. There is no such thing as a pussy troll, I just didn't want to tell you that. Nice try Randal but I'm being faithful. Owe I see, I'm just trying to get you laid by the hottest brunette in the enter state of Jersey and you're not going to trust me. How do I know you're not just trying to trick me for your benefit? My benefit? How the hell would I benefit from having you drop a load? Elias let me ask you this, who was it who told you the truth about the tooth fairy? You did. The Easter bunny? You again. What about Santa? He was really just a Turkish guy who loved children and whores. So what makes you think I'm lying now? I don't know, I guess you're not lying. Hell no I'm not. So what's shay look like? Oh man she's great, 34 dds, nice slender body, pretty brown hair, lips to kill for, tight ass, and gorgeous eyes. Randall calls and soon a smile crosses his face. She said she'd do it man, but she cant be here until later.So what do you want to talk about dude? So what else creeps you out Elias? What else wont your parents let you watch on T.V? Well, Yogey and Boo Boo promote homosexuality. They do not, they're best friends that just happen to be living in a cave together and;oh hell with it I'll give you that one. You know what I'd like to see in one of those cartoons Elias? Boo Boo telling Yogey not to steal a picknick basket and Yogey saying, well the ranger can suck my fucking cock. Man there is always something completely adult going on in children's cartoons. Papa Smurf for example, was a pimp. There are all these Smurf guys and one girl…Smurfette. Why do you think they call him Papa? Why do you think he looks so young for his age? He's laying pipe with Smurfette non stop. They go into their own private mushroom, he strips her down with his teeth then they smurf smurf style. He'd be like oh baby suck the smurf, take it oh my smurfing god. Randal stop, I don't want to hear this allt his sex talk. It's creeping me out. Randall walks over to the doorway and sings as loud as he can. You don't always have to fuck her hard, in fact sometimes that's not right to do. Jay and Silent Bob rush in and Jay joins in while Bob dances. Soemtiems you gotta make some love, and fuckin give her some smoochies too. Elias screams as Randal and Jay sing Fuck her Gently by Tenacious D. He tries to run but, falls on his face as the two men laugh histerically.Later Randal walks over to Quick Stop to talk to Dante. You're never going to believe who I just saw Randal. Rick Derris? No, Veronica. You're kidding, how is old 37? She's good, she heard about the wedding and wanted to make amends. The last time we saw each other was just before she left me and swore she suck even more dick then she had before. 37 dicks man, no wonder her teeth were so white all the time. Why do you say that man? Well you know semen can whiten teeth. Really? I am not kidding you, the same stuff the dentist whitens your smile with contains elements also found in one other place. In your man jelly. Oh my god, that's disturbing. No more than anything else I tell you on a Saturday.
(Authors note: see Clerks and Clerks two. If you have any ideas for content email me at to Top