Chapter 1

Troubled Love

Rating - T

Disclaimer: I do not own Hollyoaks or any of its Characters except Original Ideas

Love - a strong positive emotion of regard and affection

Trouble - a source of difficulty

Troubled Love - John-Paul & Craig

John-Paul

'A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the perogative of the brave'. Mohandas Gandhi

The rain battered the window of John-Paul McQueen's bedroom and John-Paul was lying on his bed in his dark room, desperatly trying to forget everything. To numb the ache inside his heart that was killing him inside...

He opened his eyes which were red and sore from crying. Over and over, he had tried to think things through and shut out the nagging voice that told him to follow his feelings and go to the one person that he loved the most...

Craig...

He had already followed his emotions at the school dance and it had leaded him into more trouble and even more confusion...But inside it felt so right...

Why did it feel right?

John-Paul sighed to himself and rubbed his eyes wearily. Downstairs, he could hear the distant batter of his sisters arguing with each other. He covered his ears with his pillow to try and block out the noise and to try and gain some sense from his mind...

Thousands of questions were running through his head and were all making John-Paul feel confused inside...

''I'm only 17. Most lads were obsessed with girls, but why aren't I?? And what about Hannah? She is devoted to me, yet I don't love her...Craig understands me and he is one of the only true friends I have had ever...He makes me laugh, makes me smile...Makes everything seem normal and right. Nothing is a blur when I'm with him...I can be myself and not have to continue the lie to everyone around me. For so long, I have been hiding it, but now that I've shown and told people my true feelings, everyone has been weird and now Craig probably hates me. It should feel right and normal to express my feelings, but everything is wrong because of it. I've hurt Hannah and I never wanted to hurt anyone...But I don't love her like she loves me...She doesn't really know me like Craig does...Inside, I care for Craig...Care for him more than a friend...'

He sighed to himself and dug out his mobile phone from his pocket and checked for any new messages. He was half-expecting Craig to have called him or left a messageor an angry hate message from Hannah...

Nothing.

On his phone, he looked at the picture of him and Craig together. He touched the screen at Craig's face and he longed to see Craig again. Just to talk, to hang out: do what they did best. But now everything could be ruined because of that one kiss...

A true kiss.

John-Paul looked at the photo and threw his mobile down on the floor. Nothing was simple anymore and now that the truth was out, it seemed it opened a floodgate full of trouble...

'I've messed everything up...At least when I was lying, I had a great best mate, a good lifestyle and a caring girlfriend. Now, I've lost everything. The person that most mattered to me could be gone from my life forever now. He could hate me. I don't blame him. I've just confused everything for him and ruined his relationship with Sarah. I've ruined Hannah's life as well. God knows what she's going through...I never ever wanted to upset her or hurt her...At least with her I had a sense of happiness...But it didn't feel right...

I didn't want things to turn out like this...But sooner or later it had to come out otherwise it would have killed me inside...I would have been cheating on myself and my true feelings. Living a lie...Now, everything seems unclear and I'm going to get stick for being, well...myself. I bet they're all bitching about me downstairs...Talking about how they got a screwed up brother to deal with...I don't really care to be honest...The kiss felt right...It just made sense in my head...I didn't need to force it like I do when I'm with Hannah... It just came out naturally...Now, I'm the laughing stock of everyone...School had a field day and everyone found out...God, Why am I so messed up?? Why can't I be normal??...'

He looked at the time on his clock. 7.30 pm. Usually, he would be hanging out with Craig down at his house or at Craig's house - discussing football, school and their girlfriends. But now, Craig was ignoring him and he desperatly wanted to call him and make things alright again...

But once a floodgate has opened, then its hard to close it again...

'If the kiss had never had happened, then life would have been the same as it normally was. The same old life. Go to school. See Hannah. Do work. Eat. Talk to Craig. Go to Bed. The same routine over and over and over again. Keeping up the appearance of being normal and not some confused idiot who sits in his room crying for just showing his feelings. I mean, guys do it to girls all the time. Show their feelings and kiss them unexpectedly - people think its romantic. It's hardly romantic when you kiss your male best friend and people start spreading rumours about you around school...People are probably talking about me right now and jumping to their own conclusions...But they don't know me...They don't know who I really am inside...'

There was a knock at John-Paul's door and he looked at the door miserably and rolled over on his bed, hoping that people would just leave him alone...

"John-Paul?' came a familiar voice. "It's me, Tina"

"Go away..." stifled John-Paul, closing his eyes.

"I just came up to tell you that dinner is ready...if you wanted it..." sighed Tina on the other end of the door. "Look...we're all really worried about you...Why don't you come down and eat something? It will do you good..."

"And listen to Michaela and Mercedes talk about how they have a puff for a brother?? No thanks.." replied John-Paul, bitterly.

Tina sighed again. "Ignore them. They don't understand how you feel. No-one can. Only you can understand you're true feelings and no-one else has to understand. As long as it feels right, then you should follow your heart - and ignore what people say because you are special. No-one can take that away from you and nothing matters what other people say...Remember that."

John-Paul felt the tears well up in his eyes again. She was right, but how could his feelings cause him so much hurt and confusion?...

He buried his head in his pillow. "Just...leave me alone...please..."

"Fine." replied Tina. "But we are all here for you...Don't be afraid to talk to us..."

He heard her walk off away from his door and he wiped away the tears from his eyes and sat up on his bed. Tina was right. He had to follow his feelings...

'I need to talk to him again. Just to see him again and to try and explain what I did and what I meant...He needs to know how I feel about him otherwise its going to kill me inside...It's now or never and I'm going to have to talk to him soon...It's better I got it out of the way now before things spiral out of control...'

He picked up his mobile that he left on the floor and walked over to the other side of his room and grabbed his coat. He strolled over to his door and shut it. As he walked down the stairs, he saw Michaela watching TV, Mercedes filing her nails while Tina, Carmel, Jacqui and Myra were eating at the table...

Mercedes looked up at John-Paul as he was about to leave the room. "Oi! Where do think you're going?"

"To visit loverboy maybe?" replied Michaela, bitterly as she flicked through the TV channels.

"Shut it, Michaela!" replied Jacqui, angrily.

"So, come on John-Paul?? Are you gay or not??" asked Mercedes, folding her arms.

"That's enough, now!" shouted Myra and she stood up from the table and began to walk over to John-Paul.

John-Paul sighed and continued to walk to the door - ignoring the snide comments from Michaela...

Myra walked over to the door and stopped John-Paul in his tracks. "Hey, lovey...How about you have some dinner?"

"Sorry, Mum...' mumbled John-Paul. "I have to go and do something urgently..."

He pushed past the door and closed the door shut and began to walk out of his driveway and up to the Dog in The Pond pub...

''Give in to love, or live in fear.' Mimi Marquez, from 'Another Day', Rent

Craig

'The course of true love never did run smooth'. William Shakespeare in A Midsummer Night's Dream

Craig Dean was sat alone in the living room of the flat above the pub, trying to think things through. His family were all out and it was a good moment to be alone - without his mother or sister trying to pester him into talking to him...

He had his mobile phone sitting next to him, hoping that Sarah would call him and make things alright between them...

But everything was far from okay...

His best friend had admitted to him that he liked him and had publicly kissed him and now the news had been spread and everyone knew. Everyone had been making judgements and making fun of him behind his back and Craig was feeling sick inside of what everyone was saying about him...

He sighed to himself and buried his head in his hands - hoping in vain that all his problems would just disappear and that everything would be back to normal again. But how could everything go back to normal now that he knew his best friend had feelings for him...

'He's my best friend. Why would he go and kiss me?? I don't even like men and I certainly only like John-Paul as a friend...He was a good mate - I had no idea that he would go and do that to me at the dance...Everything went wrong since Hannah's Birthday Party...How could this all happen??...Now, Sarah, the best girlfriend a guy could ask for, hates my guts and she's ignoring me completley...I really like Sarah. Ever since Darlene, I never thought I could really find another girl who was interested in me - until Sarah came along...She's funny, smart and fun to be with...And now everything is messed up because of the kiss...But why didn't I pull away?...Why didn't I back off when he came onto me?...'

He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed, leaning back on the sofa and closing his eyes...

'John-Paul was my first proper friend. A friend I could trust and talk to about anything...He was a perfect mate...He and I just clicked when we met and we always got along...He would listen to me talk about me and Sarah and he would always help me when I had problems...I had no idea that he thought of me as something more than a friend...It didn't even cross my mind that he could be gay...He never hinted at anything before Hannah's Party...I never saw it coming...I'm probably the most talked about boy at school now seeing as everyone knows now...The Idiot Who Kissed His Best Friend...We were drunk...But why do I feel as if he really meant it? I only really think of him as a friend...But now things are different...I'm so confused inside that it hurts...I can't even talk to Sarah because she just slams the phone down on me...Sarah...'

He picked up his phone and scrolled down to Sarah's name on the speedial. He put the phone to his ear as he heard the dialling tone...He needed to explain things again and try to make her see sense...

"Hello?" replied Sarah's voice bitterly.

Craig sighed to himself in relief as he heard her voice. It was the first time she had picked up the phone to him in days...

"Sarah!!" rushed Craig. "Oh Sarah, I'm so happy to hear your voice again. I just wanted to -

"Now hear this, Craig." came Sarah's angry voice. "I HATE YOU! I don't EVER want you to call me ever again, you hear me? I'm fed up of you harrassing me all the time, leaving 20 messages on my phone and constantly coming to my house!"

Craig felt like someone had just stabbed him in the chest. "But Sarah! -

"I'M SICK OF YOU!" shouted Sarah, tearfully. "It's always 'But Sarah!' I am fed up of your constant excuses. Just LEAVE ME ALONE! Got it?"

Sarah put the phone down on the other end and Craig slowly put the phone down from his ear. Tears began to well up in his eyes and he felt more emotional over the past few days than he had ever felt before.

'Well, I've blown it with Sarah now. She said she hated me...A few days ago, we were kissing and cuddling and now she can't even stay on the phone for a minute just to let me talk to her...What went wrong?? I never meant to kiss John-Paul! It wasn't planned or anything...It just happened...There's no other way of explaining it...'

He lay down next to the cushions and began to sob quielty into the cushion. He felt that life was going well for him for once. After Failing his A-levels had made him make a new friend and have a perfect girlfriend - but now it seemed that reality was crashing down to earth with a big bang and everything seemed hazy and unclear...

'When did things have to get so complicated? My life was fine until this all happened. But why do I feel as if I have feelings for him myself? I don't want feelings for him, but deep down there's just something that keeps telling me to...

No. I can't. It would be just wrong. All I care about is Sarah. John-Paul blew our friendship when he said he liked me. End of. There's nothing in the world that can take back what he has done and I don't think I will truly understand what was going through John-Paul's head...I don't think even he knew what was going on in his own head...Yet, he told me that he was just confused and that he wasn't gay at all...Was he lying to me?'

'I don't want to see him to be honest. I just want him to disappear and for all this to go away - like it never happened. But it won't. I know it won't. I'm being punished for a mistake that I didn't want to make in the first place...He's going to want to talk to me, but I don't know what to say to him..."I know you like me..."? What do you say to someone you just kissed who you are mates with?? I'm acting like I'm the one who instigated it! I'm paying for his stupid feelings...If this was any other person, then I would be arguing with them and shouting at them, telling them what a pathetic creature they are...But not with John-Paul...Why?...Why don't I want to go round and tell him a piece of my mind? Why don't I want to just go out there and tell the whole world that the kiss was a mistake?...'

'...Was it really a mistake?...'

Craig sighed and checked his phone again, in vain hope that Sarah would have texted to say sorry...

'I don't get it...I'm attracted to girls! Always have been! Never once have I even thought about considering men...It just seems so wrong in my head...But why don't I feel that with John-Paul?? I mean, I am definetly not gay, despite what people now think...Yet the way I'm acting about John-Paul suggests that I am...but I'm not. I just know that I'm not...But how can I be so sure?...'

'I can't even believe I am considering the fact that I might have some feeling for John-Paul!...I'm screwed up in the head because of it...If it was a girl, then the first person I would call up to talk about it would be...John-Paul...But I can't do that anymore. Not now. Things have changed. He's a different person to me now and I can't even look at him in the same way that I used to because I know that he's thinking about me in a different way...He is just my mate. Nothing else could come of it. It would be a train wreck doomed for disaster...'

'But then how come I feel as if I am ready to just drop everything and just be with him again?...'

'I am one twisted person...I can't even think straight...I need someone to talk to...But who? I can't talk to my mum as she would just wouldn't understand...Jack is not really my dad, so I can't talk to him about it...Sarah would just scream at me, Jake doesn't have time for me, Darren would take the piss and Steph would just blab everything I say to anyone she could lay her hands on...I need to sort myself out and I'm not going to do that by just sitting here and think about the event over and over again as it isn't helping...'

Suddenly, there was a knock at the front door of the flat. Craig ignored it and closed his eyes again, but the knocking continued and he heard his name being called out...

Craig sat up and slowly walked over to the door and began to unlock the door...

He knew who it was...

He could just tell when he was around...

He opened the door to see his familiar face again...

"We need to talk" came the voice...

End of Chapter 1

A/N: Hey! Hope you like it. Every chapter will be different and there will be lots and lots of characters involved. Please review as I have never written JP/Craig stuff before and I'd like to know what you thought...