Disclaimer: Blackadder and it's characters is the sole property of Richard Curtis, Rowan Atkinson and Ben Elton - not me. I gain nothing from writting this fan fic other than my intense enjoyment.
Twenty First Century Blackadder – because some sagas just won't die
Watch out world because Edmund Blackadder is coming to get you! In 21st century England it seems the Blackadder dynasty has produced a new heir, perhaps more cunning and conniving than the rest, armed with his iPod, razor sharp quick wits and trusty time machine he is ready to take on the whole of history to get what he wants. Aided (annoyed) by his loyal and honest, if slightly malodorous, dogsbody Baldrick junior and the charming and pretty, if slightly brainless, Georgiana St Barleigh, Edmund is forced to do battle with roman centurions, Elizabethan lords and rock stars meanwhile having to navigate his way through his gcse's without getting put into detention thanks to that pretentious twerp, Kevin Darling.
Prologue – Blackadder Hall, just outside of Kent, England, 2002
In the ornate drawing room of Blackadder Hall, two men stand, beneath a portrait of the noble war hero and the house's original owner – Captain Edmund Blackadder, talking. One, the owner of the house, is attempting to engage his friend in a conversation about the minor fiscal crisis over in Japan. Said friend was nodding along, oblivious to what was going on. The former was a pale man with dark hair that was greying slightly and frown lines on his forehead that had come in time from being perpetually annoyed. The latter was a taller man with ash blond hair and laugh lines which came from his being perpetually cheerful.
"How old is he now, Edmund?" George asked his friend when the conversation started to run dry
"Eight and half. A year older than Georgiana. You know that George." Edmund rolled his eyes and took a long drag of his cigarette, "Where are they anyway?" The two men looked around them and it was noted that their two young children were nowhere to be seen.
"Oh god, oh god! Call for a….fire engine or something!" George flustered, panicking and waving his arms about, knocking his drink over in doing so.
Edmund shook his friend by the shoulders and spoke to him very slowly, "George, calm down now or I will be forced to smash this priceless Elizabethan vase over your stupid head. They will be fine. Edmund, at least, has some common sense." George was still glancing round wildly, Edmund sighed, "Look if you are really that worried Baldrick can- Baldrick!"
A dumpy, dirty man carrying a silver tray walked up to the pair, "Yes m'lord"
"Go and find Edmund and George for me."
Baldrick looked them up and down puzzled, then said, "Well, aren't you Edmund, m'lord, and isn't that George?"
"Not us, you total waste of differentiated cells! The children! They've wandered off somewhere."
"Right-ho, I'll get right on it m'lord."
"Can I take the blindfold off now Edmund?" a childish female voice moaned. The young speaker was a little girl of about 8 and was impossibly cute, with creamy, ivory skin, rosy cheeks, full lips and masses of golden blond curls. Underneath her blindfold she had big, baby blue eyes surrounded by curtains of thick lashes. She was dressed in a flouncy white frock with a blue satin sash round her middle in direct contrast with her friend who was dressed in a dark grey shirt, black trousers and a black jacket. Her companion, a boy with jet black hair and an intelligent and serious expression spread across his young features, who was leading her down a poorly lit corridor, rolled his eyes at her childish impatience and yanked the blindfold off her.
"Ouch!" she moaned, fussing over her hair the way she'd seen her mummy do.
Edmund took her by the shoulders and looked straight into her eyes, "Now George what I am about to show you is completely top secret. Do you understand?" she nodded, "And you're not to tell anyone about this, understand?" she nodded again, "No one at all, not even your parents!"
"I know, I know!" George replied, shaking his hands off her, "Don't worry, I'm not completely stupid!"
Edmund snorted.
"Alright let's go." He took hold of her hand and took her through the big wooden door into a dark room. George was glad it was dark so he couldn't see her blushing. "Can't see a thing in here," Edmund mumbled to himself whilst fumbling for a light switch. But soon with a flash, the room was illuminated and once George's eyes had adjusted to the glow she could see a big box shape in the middle of the room, all covered in an old sheet.
"What is it?"
Edmund walked over to it and pulled the sheet off it with a dramatic flourish, revealing a large and cupboard like wooden box with a huge ornate clock on the front with the times written in Roman numerals. "It's my time machine!" he announced proudly
George skipped over to him in excitement, "A time machine! A real life time machine! For serious? For real? You're not just joking? Like the time with the aliens?"
"That was one time! But don't worry I have since matured enough to desist in executing my highly immature, pointless and extremely hilarious practical jokes on my dear acquaintances."
Most of those long words were lost on George but it sounded positive overall. "Oh wow, Edmund!" she said excited again, stroking some of the detailing on its door with her slim fingers, "Your own real live time machine!"
"Well technically, it belongs to my father," Edmund Blackadder the second admitted sheepishly, "But I'm sure he wouldn't mind and anyway," he glared at George, "We're not going to tell him, are we Georgie?"
"I'd rather shave off all my hair than tell," which, from George, constituted as a pretty serious promise.
"But there are rules though, if you want me to let you use the time machine."
"Ok."
"Rule one- I'm the leader. Rule two- annoying the leader is punishable by death! Rule three- no drinks near the control panel, you know in case you spill it."
"Ok, ok," George quickly agreed, eager to do some serious time travelling, "Where are we going to go first, skip?"
"Well that's where the problem arises, you see. It isn't a very big problem. Teeny, tiny, microscopic, miniscule….non-existent, really…a lot like your brain, Georgie" he said pulling one of her corkscrew curls so he could watch it spring back
"Yes?"
"I don't know how to fly it yet, but it shouldn't be too hard to…" But Edmund was cut off short by a voice behind him.
"Erm excuse me, sir, but erm I think my dad's outside looking for you and…" Edmund and George spun round in shock to face the newcomer.
"Ahh! Ghost!" George squealed jumping up in fright at him. He was a young boy though perhaps younger than George and Edmund for he was about a head shorter than them. He had a messy, dishevelled look about him. His wispy light brown hair stood up in all directions and his clothes were covered in mud like he had been playing outside on a rainy day.
"It's not a ghost, George, but something equally undesirable I'll admit. This is Baldrick, our cleaner's son and waste of space. Baldrick, this is George, a family friend. Now, how long have you been in here, Baldrick?"
"Well actually, sir, been following yourself and Miss George for quite a while now."
"Have you really?" asked George, interestedly, "You must be fiendishly clever to have stayed hidden for so long!"
Baldrick didn't often receive complements and wasn't too sure how to respond to this social situation. Edmund gave George a withering look.
"George?"
"Yes?"
"Shut up. Now Baldrick, George's uncle is a highly famed lawyer, of course his claim to fame is losing all of his cases even the ones where his clients are little old ladies and they're up against chaps called Big Arthur McPsychopath but that's beside the point. The point is that sneaking around and following people is a very serious crime and we could sue you for it."
"Oh but sir, I've been ever so lonely since Nancy the spider ran away, I'd only just got over losing Timmy the fly and I just wanted someone to talk to."
"Oh can't he tag along Edmund? I know that he's completely filthy, but appearances can be deceptive and I think he looks a jolly decent sort."
Edmund sighed irately, "Fine but only because you've already heard everything and only so you can carry things for us and only when I've learnt to work it, ok?"
"Oh thank you, sir!"
"And you mustn't tell anyone about this, understand?"
"I shall take it to my grave, sir."
"Fine, you can hang around with us."
"Well hoorah for that," beamed George, "Do you want to go and get something to eat?"
Edmund checked his watch, it read half four. He hadn't realised they'd been gone so long. Still he doubted his father would be worried. Always a man with more important things on his mind was his father. "Yeah alright then, come on you two."
The three children trooped out, Baldrick, George then Edmund. As he left, Edmund switched off the lights and locked the door behind him with a little key, before stashing the key into his pocket and going after the others.