My first fanfic. Hey Arnold! does not belong to me. If you are interested, yes, I am British. Let's do this thing.
-aN-
"Oi, Albert! Albert!" the boy heard a voice call.
Shaking off thoughts of submarines and fighting giant man-eating squid, Albert focussed on the matter at hand. He was one of the last standing by the touchline, waiting to be picked.
"You awake in there?" his best friend Janesh asked. "You're on our team, mate." Janesh looked impatient as he adjusted the tall turban on his head. Probably didn't want it unravelling during the game, Albert thought as he jogged over to join his friend, his team captain Henryk, and the others.
"Your loss, Fritz," Helen drawled, spinning a rugby ball on her hand idly. "Still, I guess if we lose this ball we can always kick Albert's head round instead. It's the right shape."
"Just pick yer next lousy player, Helen," Henryk taunted. "Only thing what's gonna get kicked's yer arse!"
"Hmm..." Helen said, catching the ball and surveying the remaining players.
Albert peered round Henryk's broad shoulders and broader gut. Admittedly there weren't many decent ones left. Euan and Sarah were sitting poring over a music magazine, neither of them particularly interested in the game or anything else, for that matter. Keeno was lurking - no change there - short of breath as always, thin as a rake. Even for touch rugby, not much of an athlete. Iola was waiting expectantly to be picked, her auburn braids pinned up with hairpins for the games lesson, ever since Helen 'accidentally' yanked one nearly out of her head a few months ago during hockey. Her baggy, faded red rugby jersey, probably a hand-me-down from her Welsh father, clashed horribly with her green shorts and trainers, but Albert didn't really mind - although he could see that Regina was sniggering to Si about it on Helen's team. He thought she looked nice, like always. He felt an elbow in his side, and looked to Janesh, who gave him a knowing look and wagged his head in Helen's direction, keeping his attention on the team-picking.
"Alright, Lettuce Lass, shift your backside, you're picked," Helen said, waving Sarah over. Sarah looked a little perturbed to be on the mouthy Brummie's side, but shuffled over all the same.
Henryk scratched his close-shaven head, looking at the final three to be picked.
"Uhhhhhh..." he murmured, looking from Iola to Euan to Keeno. "Who should I pick, guys?" he said, leaning into Cubert, Natalie, Janesh and Albert.
Cubert laid a long, spindly arm on Henryk' shoulder.
"Well, oi reckon Miss Iola'd be a good choice, yup," he offered, in his thick West Country drawl.
"Yeah," Albert concurred. "You should pick her."
"Alright, yeah!" Henryk turned back to the diminished group on the touchline. "Iola, you're with us!"
"Oh!" Iola beamed, her hands clapping together as she loped over on long pale legs. "That's grand then!" She seemed to offer an especially glowing smile for Albert, that made him grin back toothily involuntarily.
There was a short argument between Helen and Henryk as to who would take the remaining two 'players', Helen not being able to stand Keeno, and both regarding Euan as a walking talking bad luck charm, but everything was sorted to mutual approval, and the teams split for their halves, with Helen kicking off.
She took a long, loping run-up, Fionna holding the ball for her, before she punted it with all her might. It sailed far over the heads of Henryk, Cubert and Janesh, before bouncing and lurching drunkenly towards Iola, who flailed a while before grabbing it and looking quite pleased with herself.
"Iola! Pass it!" Albert cried, as Helen and Si bore down on her. Her smile turned to alarm, and without even looking she tossed the ball in Albert's direction. He ran for the catch, cradling it in his arms as he charged on for the wing. Euan and Regina moved to intercept, and he could see Helen wheeling round to cut him off. Henryk and the rest of the forwards were also making a beeline for him behind her.
"Al-bert!" Henryk roared, as he was closed down further and further. He could hear Helen growling on his right, and with splitseconds to spare flung the ball over her head towards Cubert, the closest of the trio. He didn't see him catch it, though, because at that moment Helen ploughed into him, a dervish of knees and elbows that easily bowled the slight boy over. She bore him to the muddy ground, her hands wrapped round his waist, and all the air rushed out of him in a gasp. Dizzied by the drop, Albert was insensible for a moment, only snapping out of it when he heard Helen give a contemptuous snort.
"Hey, rugby face," she said. "Try not to get in my way next time."
Albert shook his (admittedly fairly wide and short) head, to stop the sky spinning, and sat up.
"Helen, you know we're playing touch rugby," he complained. "You didn't need to tackle me."
"Tackle this, rugby face," she sneered, pointing to her skinny rear. "Don't stand where I'm running and I won't flatten you."
"You alright, Albert?" Janesh said, finally reaching them.
"That was no fair," Henryk declared. "Our scrum, right here!"
"Fine, whatever, chubbo," Helen said. She looked around, folding her arms. "Where're my bloody forwards?"
Si and Tad stepped forward. Helen rolled her eyes at the two diminutive boys.
"This is what I have to work with?"
"You picked your team, pigtails," Henryk said. "Prepare to get rolled!" He hunkered down by Cubert, Janesh on Cubert's other side. Helen scowled, but formed up with her runtish comrades flanking her. They locked, heads and limbs latticed and tensed ready.
"Albert! Feed me!" Henryk barked.
"Please," Helen said. "We could do without that sight again today."
Albert ignored her, and picked up the ball, skirting round to the side, where Henryk' beefy thighs were poised against Tad's drumsticks.
"Ready?" he asked, surveying the backs as he did so. Natalie and Iola were standing by and back, with Keeno a little way behind. Good enough.
"Just give us the ball, rugby face," Helen said.
Albert threw it in, angling it well towards Cubert's long legs. With a grunt from Henryk, his end of the scrum surged forward, angling away from Albert. As he'd thought, Tad was no match for the brutish Pole. However, Si was giving Janesh a little more trouble, and so the whole scrum pivoted, with Cubert flailing his long, spaghetti legs about, eventually hooking the ball out back. Albert was well positioned to pick it up, and scooted round the side of the scrum, back towards the wing. Regina, Helen's scrum half, was slow to react, but chased after him, Fionna and Sarah running up in support. They were all far too far away though. The only one he had to beat was Euan! Albert allowed himself a grin. Euan was a complete jinx, there was no chance he'd tag him.
All the same, he was dashing to try and intercept. Albert strained his pounding legs even harder, and veered even harder towards the boundary. He was going to make it!
"Whoa!" Euan yelped. Albert turned his head to see Euan skidding into him at a surprising speed. His arms were windmilling as he tried to regain his balance, but there was no hope for it: he'd inadvertently ran onto a long muddy streak on the field. "Alberrrrrt!" he wailed, as he skidded into him, planting both hands on his back and upending both of them with his momentum. The ball flew out of Albert's hands and sailed back over his head, as he disentangled himself from Euan.
"Sorry Albert, I skidded," Euan said clambering to his feet, a long slick of mud up his side. Albert looked down at his shirt, but he seemed to have escaped the worst of it. Just Euan's luck.
"It's OK Euan. You alright?" he asked, offering his friend a hand up.
"I think so," Euan said, wiping the worst of the mud away. His eyes widened as he looked past Albert. Albert turned to see what Euan had seen. Sarah was running with the ball, straight for Henryk and Cubert. Regina was just behind her in support.
"Goooo Sarah!" Euan called. Sarah didn't acknowledge him though, but she passed to Regina a second or so afterwards. Albert started jogging back, just in time to see Henryk close and plant hands on her. She dropped the ball with a grunt of frustration, and Cubert scooped it up, putting on a burst of speed to lose Sarah. Once he had room, he held the ball out and punted it hard, deep, deep into Helen's half.
"Nice!" Albert said, as the ball sailed over his head. It bounced hard, and veered away into the right corner, with only Fionna anywhere near. As the forwards of both teams barrelled after it, with Arnold, Euan and the other backs in pursuit, Fionna picked it up and, realising the situation, elected to kick it into touch rather than be on the receiving end of a cluster-ruck. The teams slowed, as the ball bounced twice and settled. Fionna went to fetch it while the forwards formed up in their lines.
"Who wants it?" she squeaked in her little voice.
Natalie trotted up, and caught it before assuming the throw-in position. Albert ambled into place ten feet off and behind his forwards. He didn't get a chance to lay his hands on the ball though, as Si and Tad hoisted Helen up when the ball was thrown, and she ripped it out of the air and passed it back to Regina. Regina veered away from the forward lines, only to dally back when Keeno and Iola closed on her.
"Pass the damn ball, Princess!" Helen snapped, surging forward. Regina looked back, and threw it into her path - surprisingly well-judged. It certainly caught Albert off-guard, as Helen charged past him. He sprang after her.
"Get her!" Henryk howled, but too late. Keeno and Iola were completely wrong-footed, and Helen was hugging the touchline close. Albert pumped his arms and legs as hard as he could to catch up, and stride by feverish stride, he gained on her.
It was weird, he thought, as he swung his arms and legs like pistons. If he didn't know better he would've sworn she was slowing on purpose. Less than five yards...Albert put on an extra spurt and reached out, managing to plant both hands on the small of her back, before slowing down, his lungs fit to burst.
Helen...kept on running.
"Helen!" Albert called between breaths. "I tagged you!"
She paid no attention, running over the goal line and slamming the ball down like some American footballer.
"Hah!" she said, turning to Albert and the other players, some way behind him. "Too slow, Alberto."
"No I wasn't," Albert said. "I tagged you. Fifteen yards back."
Helen snorted. "Didn't feel it. Maybe if you weren't such a noodlearm, eh rugby face?"
Albert scowled.
"Well, take my word for it. I tagged you."
"Yeah, whatever, Albert," Regina said, as she approached. "You're just annoyed because Helen knocked you over before."
"I am not!" Albert protested, but it was no use. Helen had already tossed the ball to Henryk, who seemed content enough to kick off again. He grimaced, but began the walk back to his position, still out of breath.
Helen brushed past him as she jogged back, jostling him.
"Better luck next time, mate," she said, under her breath. Albert seethed.
"Move it, pigtails!" Henryk shouted.
"Keep your hair on, pig-boy! Crikey!" she retorted, but double-timed it all the same. Henryk barely waited until she was back in her half before kicking off, a meaty boot sending it half the length of the field. The team surged forward, Cubert and Janesh at the front. They weren't going to get to it before Si though, who scooped it up and ran hard at them, to make up as much ground as he could. Just before Janesh could lay hands on him, though, Si snapped the ball back to Tad, who doubled back, holding the ball over his head, cackling madly.
"Catch me if you can, cretins!" he cried, as every player on the field tried to run him down. And with good reason. Tad was an unpredictable sort. "Ahahahahahaha!"
He turned again, and dropkicked the ball high, high into the air, before capering off the field entire, still laughing like a loon.
Helen was best-placed to catch it, its downward momentum taking her to her knees before she stood, and made her break forward. A clever jink took her past Cubert, but Albert wasn't so easily fooled. As she tried to feint past him, he turned and pounced when she moved for real. Both his hands fastened round her arm, but she quickly shook them off, and kept on running.
"Hey!" Albert exclaimed. Henryk and the others on his team were quick to take up the complaint this time.
"You want it, you come and get it, rugby face!" Helen slung the words back at him.
...That was it! Again Albert charged after her, his short legs pounding turf like the dickens to catch up and bring her down.
"What're you gonna do, Albert?" she mocked him, even as he began to close the three-yard gap. "Gonna tackle me? I'm well scared!"
Albert kept his head down and forward, closer and closer, until the tufts of grass and clods of mud she tore up as she ran assaulted his shins. At full stretch, he leapt, head to her right, arms closing round her thighs. With her legs locked, she tripped and skidded, the ball flying out in front of her as she flung out hands to break her fall. The two of them slid across the damp grass a few feet before coming to a halt.
For a while they lay silent, both panting from their exertion - then Helen shifted underneath him, turned over to look at him, his head still resting by her side.
"Albert-" she began, the hostile edge to her voice lost. There was a quavering in her- her eyes, her voice. Albert's satisfaction was replaced by concern.
"Are you alright, Helen?" he said, getting to his knees and offering her a hand sitting up. She stared at the hand a moment, then shook her head as if to clear it, and backhanded it away.
"Don't crowd me, cretin!" she snapped, getting to her feet. Albert followed suit as the others approached.
"Hey Albert, you know we're playing touch rugby, right?" Regina said.
"I know that," Albert replied irritably, annoyed by her condescending tone. "Someone should tell Helen."
"Yeah!" Henryk concurred loudly. "Albert tagged you, Helen! You cheated!"
"Bollocks did I!" Helen said. "Albert can't tag for love or money. If rugby face decides to land on me, that's not my fault!"
Albert sighed. This was holding up the game.
"Look, can we all just agree to play by the rules from now on?" he asked.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's just get on with the game," Helen said.
The rest of the game passed without incident. Well, Euan managed to miss a penalty kick, slip over and give himself concussion, but the game passed without unusual incident.