Sorry, sorry, I know, I know, I'm dicking around.

Actually, I'm not sorry. There is an alarming lack of parodies in this particular archive, and even less Sue parodies.

So please enjoy and learn how not to write LOTR Fanfiction.

(For more fun, please read The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth by misscam.)

Also I will litter this with various references because THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IN PARODIES OKAY. So get your multiple fandom hats on and LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

Once upon a time, there was a-SURPRISE!-teenage girl. She was really cool. And when I say cool, I don't mean cool. I mean really fucking cool. She didn't like make-up, except for lots and lots of eyeliner, because only cool girls wear just lots and lots of eyeliner (She also wore it because it made her look like a kawaii tanuki, like Gaara. More on that later). Uncool girls (aka CHEERLEADERS ND PREPZ, CUZ DEY R SUCH HORES, AMIRITE?), also called normal/boring girls (also called 'everyone except for me'. Yes, they go by many names, all supposedly insulting. Deal, bitch), wore lip gloss, eye shadow, and appropriate amounts of eyeliner.

UNACEPPTABLE.

However, we will focus solely on this amazing, witty, independent, cool, mysterious, trendy, beautiful, youthful, immortal, talented, ~ToTaLlY rAnDoM~, selfless, DOESN'T NEED A MAN, giving, humble, wonderful, and surprisingly gothic (but really goffik) human being who may or may not be the chosen one (whatever that is. It was in Harry Potter, don't ask lol), or turn into an elf or turn out to be an amazing fighter who is most humbly skilled with the bow, sword, axe, sonic screwdriver, cannon (not canon, unfortunately), gun, or any weapon conceivable to any race in any universe. Probably all of the above. The author's too stupid to put thought into her stupid story.

ANYWAY.

We will focus only on this girl for the rest of the story, because none of the other characters matter, unless it's of two male characters having improbable, hawt buttsecks (teehee, buttsecks! I'm so cute and funny). In that case, go for it!

You may be wondering who this mysterious girl who undoubtedly has youthful beauty and beautiful youth is. (Though you probably already know it's the author's self-insert, and this story is just a vent for all her bullshit and a way to control it and ultimately escape it. It's deep, I know, deep.)

But you'll only ever get her stupid name, because she has no personality.

What's that? You want to know her name? (Sorry, it's a bit hard to hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.)

Her name is… (drum roll, please)

RUMYR OBSIDIAN ROSE TYLER EMILY BRONTE BLACKLILY. (And yeah, I can make her name as weird as fuck if I want to. I mean, have you seen some of these celebrities? And their kids?) Rumyr Obsidian Rose Tyler Emily Bronte Blacklily is M-I-N-E, DON'T STEAL, YOU JEALOUS BITCHES.

She has long, flowing, choppily cut ebony hair with highlights in every color of the rainbow and her bangs swept over one glittering ocular organ, pale, luminescent skin, and angelite-phosphosiderite orbs (none of that 'eyes like limpid tears' shit here). Lots of people tell her she looks like Cobie Smulders, but she can never see any resemblance, she's so modest. She also loves Hot Topic and vampires, who are second in hotness only to elves. Both, though, are super kawaii.

Now that you know all there is to know about her, LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON FUCKIN' ROAD.

~=^.^=~=^.^=~=^.^= (kitteh faces lolz)

Rumyr Obsidian Rose Tyler Emily Bronte Blacklily was furious. A cheerleader had dared to fire an insult at her. She stomped her black knee-high converse (AN: r'nt dey lyk sooo kool Omg I luv dem) on the sidewalk as she recounted that terrible point in time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LOLZ I'M CREATIVE~~~~~~~

"Excuse me? What did you just call me?" The ugly blonde cheerleader cried indignantly.

"You heard me, bitch," spat our raven-haired heroine.

"But I haven't done anything to you! I was just walking by!" Exclaimed the hideous, made-up prep.

"I called you and your mom ugly whores because you weren't provoking me so I could have something interesting to put in my fanfiction so I get pity and support from strangers!"

The fugly girl made an 'are-you-fucking-crazy-dude' face.

"You're crazy!" She yelled, and promptly ran for her life (which is a rather smart thing to do when confronted with psycho fangirls).

"Yeah! You better run, bitch!" Our insulted, injured beauty cried with vengeance.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~END FLASHBACK, EH~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And meanwhile, in our universe…

"Do you think it wise, writing something like this? I mean, think of the damage and lawsuits to follow-"

"Nah. This is fanfiction. They're a pretty tough bunch."

The first speaker gulped. "Good luck with that. Anyway, I'll go prepare your will and funeral arrangements."

"Aw, you're a great friend, you know that? Helping me plan for the distant future."

"You're really something."

The second speaker nodded seriously. "I know."

Rumyr slammed open her front door, stomped up the stairs to her room, flopped onto her bed, and cried.

"My life sucks, even though I have friends, loving parents who will give me almost anything I want, and I live in a nice house and neighborhood and go to a nice school! Ugh! I wish I could trade places with a starving orphan, because everyone knows they're the saddest people on the planet! Then I could totally relate to Saint Jimmy!"

She moped prettily, her delicate fingers picking at the loose threads in her Nightmare Before Christmas pillow (actually, it was a High School Musical one with Zefron on it, but like she'd ever admit that). Her pretty mouth was twisted into an adorable pout.

"If only I could be in another world, where I would be treated like a princess!" She sighed dramatically, and rolled onto her back (her bed, for record, was also HSM-themed. There was also a signed poster above her bed of Zac and Vanessa).

Because she knew that wasn't ever going to happen, and she couldn't bear to actually read a book (ew, reading is for nerds. Unless it's porn), she decided on the next best thing: watching Lord of the Rings.

So she put the DVD into the player (which was right next to her 42-inch flatscreen, btw), and hit play. She ran downstairs and brought back up a bag of chips.

"I AM GOING TO TAKE POTATO CHIP, AND EAT IT. OM NOM NOM NOM." She giggled like a nut at what she thought to be her off-the-charts kawaii-ness.

She was about halfway through it when OMG SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING TO THE TV. The screen grew brighter and brighter, until…

When she came to, she couldn't believe her eyes.

SHE WAS AT ELROND'S HOUSE WHILE THEY'RE FORMING THE FELLOWSHIP OMGOMGOMGOMG

She spazzed, and hit a rather unfortunate elf and an unfortunate hobbit in the face. Sam quickly ran over and pulled Frodo away from the dangerous freak (because that's what she looked like to them. #REALITYCHECK). Everyone ignored Legolas, because he wasn't delicate and fragile and carrying EVIL JWELERY. Except for Gimli, who just laughed.

"MISTER FRODO, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? DID THAT FREAK HURT YOUR WIDDLE FACE?" Sam shouted.

"DON'T SHOUT IN MY FACE, SAM, AND DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M A BABY," Frodo shouted back.

"No need to shout, Mister Frodo," Sam said, seeming very surprised that Frodo could shout, in his forever-a-weakling state.

"And don't call her a freak, Sam. I think she's… supermegafoxyawesomehot," stated Frodo, a dreamy look in his wide, sodalite orbs.

"You're right, Mister Frodo, she is supermegafoxyawesomehot!" Exclaimed Sam.

And thus, Mary Sue interrupted the flow and ebb of a world she knew almost nothing of.

"Are you insane?"

"Yes. Haha, just kidding. Nope. Well… maybe. But I'm not a killer. Then again…"

"This is ridiculous. I can't stay here anymore. I'm going home," The first speaker said.

"But what about that one time, when… First! Don't go out that door!" Screech the second speaker.

Woah… woah," said First. Beyond the door was… space. As in outer space, as in the final frontier.

"Close the goddamn door!"

"What the hell? How'd you get this room into space?"

"Because I wanted it to be in space. It's actually rather practical, when you think about it."

"There's nothing practical in it, Keagan, just Star Trek and Doctor Who." First glared and crossed his arms.

"Hush, you. Now shut and put this in the DVD player. I've waited forever for this." She shoved the second season of Sherlock into First's hands. He groaned and rolled his eyes, but did as he was told.

"Always the crazy ones," he mumbled.