This story was written as a comment fic over at Livejournal's sheppard_h/c community. leesa_perrie asked for "Drugged or ill John (nothing too serious, please!) with as much banter thrown in as you can manage! Light-hearted h/c (if possible!)."

Rough Landing

"Who's got th' keycard?" Sheppard laughed at his own joke as he approached the mud and grass hospitality hut.

Rodney rolled his eyes and pulled the flimsy curtain aside, allowing Ronon and Teyla to steer their team leader through the entrance.

"I'm takin' the bed," Sheppard slurred as he tried to elbow Ronon aside, oblivious that his teammate wasn't actually fighting him for what little luxury accommodation the suite approximated.

Despite demanding the bed, once Sheppard was halfway across the room he seemed hell-bent on heading in the opposite direction. He was all arms and legs as Ronon and Teyla maneuvered him toward the pallet.

Teyla unwound one of Sheppard's arms from around her shoulders while Ronon steadied him around the waist, preparing to deposit their uncooperative bundle on the bunk.

"No, not the bed!" Rodney called out. "Don't put him down there."

"I'm not holdin' him up for the rest of the night," Ronon grumbled. But he yanked Sheppard up again when the man's head lolled forward and his knees gave way — not that Sheppard would have qualified as being upright to begin with. The almost manic energy which had fueled the rest of his day was ebbing.

"What do you suggest we do with him then?" Teyla jerked her head to the side, flipping a tangle of hair and leaves from her face. Beads of perspiration ran down from her brow, clearing tracks in the dust and dirt that coated her skin.

Rodney took a quick look around the hut and pointed to a corner. "There. Put him over there on the floor."

Teyla moved one foot to better brace herself as Sheppard tipped to the side. "Rodney, I do not think that—"

"Look, it's not because I want the bed again tonight—"

"Yes, you do," Ronon said.

"No, I don't," Rodney argued. "Well, okay. Yes, I do. But it's not so much a want as a need. Anyway, that's not why—"

"Either way, you're not gettin' the bed." Ronon's assertion ended with a grunt when Sheppard stomped on his foot and muttered a rude demand for Ronon to let go of him.

"Keep that up and you're not getting it either," Ronon warned.

Sheppard flapped one arm vaguely in Rodney's direction. "He al-always gets th' bed."

Rodney jutted out his chin, feeling the need to defend himself even against the words of someone stoned on an alien plant. "With my back problems, I can't just lie down on any old spot to sleep, you know."

"Didn't seem to have a problem parkin' your butt on any old spot today," Ronon commented.

"I threw my back out the first time I tackled Sheppard—"

"Make that the only time you wrangled him," Ronon growled.

"I-I needed to rest to ease the muscle spasms." Rodney reached around and rubbed his back for emphasis.

Ronon tugged Sheppard up again. "Think it was your brain that spasmed today, McKay."

"I told you, theoretically the device should have protected—"

"Gentlemen!" It was either the threat in Teyla's voice or the fire in her eyes that caused Ronon and Rodney to clamp their mouths shut. Sheppard remained slack-jawed, but he was quiet for the moment, too. Teyla took a deep breath. "It will be more practical to tend to John's injuries if he is on the bed."

"I'm trying to be practical, too," Rodney said. "If Sheppard is this difficult during the night, he'll probably end up thrashing around and falling out of the bed and hurting himself." Rodney winced as he surveyed the array of cuts and bruises peeking out from the tatters of Sheppard's clothing. "Hurting himself more than he already has," he amended.

"We could tie him to the bed," Ronon suggested.

Sheppard's head snapped up. "Tie me…? Tha' reminds me, did I ever tell you guys 'bout Larrin?"

"She tied you up?" Ronon grinned. "I'd like to hear about that."

"No! No, no, no, no." Rodney shook his head. "TMI again, Sheppard. We've heard more about you today than we ever wanted to know, so I'm making a rule for tonight. Anytime you feel the urge to say something that starts with 'Did I ever tell you about…?' don't say anything at all. Okay?"

"'Kay." Sheppard gave a solemn nod. Then, taking advantage of the fact that Ronon and Teyla were paying less attention to him during the conversation, he threw his entire body forward, breaking free from their grasp and slamming onto the floor.

Rodney startled as his Sheppard sprawled at his feet. "What the hell…?"

"John!" Teyla dropped to her knees beside him.

"Shit!" Ronon lowered himself to his knees, too, moving as though his muscles were stiff and sore.

Wheezing sounds emanated from Sheppard as he writhed on the floor. Teyla rubbed his back encouraging him to relax — which was kind of ironic, Rodney thought, because Sheppard had been way too relaxed for most of the day.

"I'm going to recheck the calculations," Rodney announced as he rummaged in their supplies which the natives had lugged to the hut for them by way of apology for Sheppard's condition, although it wasn't entirely their fault. Finding his laptop, Rodney flipped it open and began tapping at the keys almost before it had even powered up. "I have to figure out where the device went wrong. It should have filtered out the burnt offerings from the air while Sheppard was in the purification lodge. I don't understand…"

"How's this gonna help now?" Ronon asked.

"Well," Rodney looked up, "it…uh…" He blinked. "I need to know…" Rodney looked down at his screen again and sighed. "It's not." He closed the laptop.

Sheppard seemed to have resumed breathing because he'd stopped wheezing and had taken up groaning instead with the occasional cough thrown in.

"John, allow us to help you to the bed. You will feel much more comfortable. We will make sure you come to no harm there." Teyla sounded as though she were coaxing a child.

John twisted to look at the bed and some more of the fight seemed to drain out of him. Then he flopped around on the floor like a fish out of water, his intention not entirely clear. "Need to…sit up," he huffed.

Ronon bent forward to assist and Sheppard accepted the help. That was a first for the day.

Once Sheppard was sitting, he rubbed at his chest and abdomen. "That hurt," he complained. "Bad plan."

"Exactly what were you planning?" Rodney demanded.

Sheppard frowned. "I dunno…" He pondered it some more and then his eyes widened. "I…I'd ch-changed my mind 'bout the bed." He pushed to his hands and knees, scrambling further away from the cot and into the corner.

Rodney didn't like the looks that Teyla and Ronon cast his way. "How was I supposed to know that question would set him off again?"

Teyla began inching toward Sheppard, her voice hypnotic as she extolled the benefits of the bed.

"I hate bugs," Sheppard confessed to her in a whisper, his eyes fixated on the bed.

"Oh, God. He's hallucinating again." Rodney's gaze darted around the room as though he might find a tool to ward off imaginary creatures.

"I still say we shoot our way into the temple, take the DHD crystals and get out of here." Ronon unholstered his blaster.

"Are you nuts?" Rodney squeaked. "Sheppard's bonding session with the locals qualifies this as a sacred day, and the penalty for gate use on sacred days is 'severe.' That's the word the chief used – 'severe'"

Ronon's eyes gleamed. "Only if they catch us."

Sheppard shook his head and then appeared to reconsider his choice of action, pressing his hands to his head to quell the motion. "M'okay. Stuff's wearin' off. Don't want to go back now. I-I don't wan' anyone t' see me like this."

Ronon replaced his blaster, looking disappointed by the lack of opportunity to use it. He stuck out a hand to Sheppard. "Come on."

"No." Sheppard shrunk back again. "Bugs," he stated, planting one hand on the floor to stop himself from swaying where he sat. "Bedbugs."

"Bedbugs?" Ronon questioned, wedging himself in next to Sheppard, using his body to steady his friend against the dizziness he seemed to be fighting.

After a moment, John slumped against Ronon. "Did I e'er tell you guys about the bedbugs?"

"Ah, ah," Rodney warned wagging a finger at Sheppard. "Remember my rule?"

"I re-re-remem…member. I'm jus' not good at following rules."

Accepting that Sheppard would be sleeping on the floor after all, Teyla brought their sleeping gear over to the corner. Ronon arranged the bedding while Teyla sat down on the other side of Sheppard and began cleaning off the newest batch of injuries. Still determined to share his story, Sheppard launched into the tale.

"There was a planet — M…M… It had a bunch of numbers and letters in it. And they had beds. I got the comfy bed."

"See, you do get the bed sometimes," Rodney pointed out.

"And they had bugs," Sheppard continued. "Bedbugs. Tiny, invis-invisible…things."

"You know this, how?" Rodney asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Keller told me. Had to see her 'cause the itching was so bad, and the worst spot was—"

"Ew! Just stop right there!" Rodney wrinkled his face.

"My foot," Sheppard finished.

"Oh." Rodney shook out his clothes — just in case.

"So 'm not takin' the comfy bed anymore," Sheppard concluded.

"Guess you can have the bed after all, McKay," Ronon offered with a chuckle.

Rodney looked at the wood and musty straw contraption that was really no more comfortable than a medieval torture rack when he'd slept on it last night. Who knew if it had bedbugs, too? He scratched his shoulder. Then Rodney looked at the pile of bedding and three teammates on the floor. They were bedraggled and filthy and smelled worse than the mildewed straw by a long shot, but for some odd reason, they still looked to be the more appealing option.

Teyla scooted over a bit. "Perhaps it would be wisest to avoid the bed," she said in invitation.

"Fine then," Rodney said. "But just shift back over next to Colonel Creepy Crawler. God knows how long he's contagious. He… Wait a minute. We shared a tent last week." Rodney started scratching his arm and then his side. "I'm going to need deloused when I get back." He picked a spot on the outside of the group.

Sheppard just smiled. Then the smile faded. He slid down onto his side and wrapped his arms around his stomach.

"What is wrong?" Teyla asked.

"Don't feel so good anymore."

"Could this day get any worse?" Rodney groused.

"Much worse," said Ronon. "Wraith could show up."

"Do not even joke about such a thing," Teyla admonished.

"For a while, I thought I saw a coupla Wraith in the lodge," Sheppard said. Then he moaned and curled up tighter.

Telya reached over to check Sheppard's temperature and pulse. "That sounds frightening."

"Rep-replicators, too." Sheppard took short, panting breaths. "And iratus bugs."

"Sounds crowded. Good thing you're not claustrophobic." Rodney suspected his response didn't come close to hitting the sympathetic note that Teyla's had.

Ronon leaned over and snatched a washbasin from a rickety table and handed it to Sheppard.

Sheppard stared at the bowl. "If I start throwin' up, I want e'ryone to go outside. Hate having an audience."

"Given that we're all sleeping in here tonight, a better plan would be for you to go outside," said Rodney.

Sheppard swallowed a few times and then made a sudden uncoordinated move to get up. "Out. Now."

"I've got you," Ronon said, grabbing Sheppard by the shoulders and guiding him outside.

Rodney heard Sheppard start to retch as soon as he was on the other side of the curtained doorway. Heaving a deep sigh, Rodney watched as Teyla straightened the bedding and cleaned up the first aid supplies. "I guess that wasn't one of my better ideas either."

"It was not."

"It…uh…it hasn't been one of my better days, actually."

Teyla paused. "Nor mine. Torren has not been sleeping well."

"That's…um…too bad."

Teyla glanced at the curtain then lowered her voice. "It also has not been one of Ronon's better days. He is training the new marines and they are very…fit."

"That's also…um…too bad," Rodney said, feeling relieved that the tension of the day wasn't just because of his mistake.

It wasn't long before Ronon returned with Sheppard.

"You look like shit," Rodney commented.

"Feel like it, too." Sheppard said as Ronon eased him down onto one of the sleeping bags.

Teyla extinguished the lantern in the room, leaving the team in semi-darkness as they settled down for the night.

Sheppard groaned.

"Are you feeling sick again?" Teyla asked.

"No. I… It's just… I made a total ass of myself today, didn't I?"

"You did not. It was not your fault and you were unable to control the effects."

"Don't sweat it," Ronon reassured.

"We all make asses of ourselves sometimes," Rodney chipped in.

For a few minutes, team lay quiet, succumbing to the exhaustion of the day.

Rodney broke the silence. "Okay, fine. I'm sorry. There, I've apologized. I'm sorry I said it would be okay to come back to this planet and take them up on the offer to participate in the rite of whatever. The device I made should have worked. The ATA gene probably intensified the effects because the chief said no other visitor has reacted like that. So, it's partly your fault, too, Sheppard. And you should have tried not to inhale."

"For an hour?" Ronon asked.

"Yes, well…" Rodney hunkered down, noting that Sheppard had become still.

"Looks like he finally crashed," Rodney whispered.

"Didn't crash." Sheppard's reply was muffled under the bedding. "Rough landing, but didn't crash. Thanks guys."

"You're welcome," said Teyla.

"Anytime." Ronon yawned.

"Bad landing…but no crash…" Rodney mused, a thought tickling at his brain.

"I'm gonna name this planet 'Gimli,'" Sheppard murmured.

Rodney sat up again. "Gimli? As in Gimli, Manitoba? As in the Gimli Glider?" he spluttered. "There was plenty of room in the lodge for you and all your imaginary friends, wasn't there?"

"Yeah. Wasn't crowded at all," said Sheppard.

"Dammit! Of all the spiky-haired—"

Ronon sat up, too. "I'm not followin'"

"Canadian passenger jet ran completely out of fuel," Rodney started to explain. "It landed on a runway at a closed air force base in a place called Gimli."

Sheppard poked his face out from under the blanket. "Didn't crash."

Teyla sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Why did it run out of fuel?"

"An Imperial versus metric measurement system screw-up." Rodney pointed an accusing finger at Sheppard. "You gave me the dimensions of the room in meters, didn't you? You always measure in feet just to irritate me, I think. I took that into account and calibrated the machine based on cubic feet."

"I was tryin' to be helpful," Sheppard said.

"Helpful?" Rodney squeaked. "This whole fiasco was because—"

"Please," Teyla interrupted. "It has been a long day for all of us and we must rest now. We can discuss this in the morning."

Rodney lay down again. "We can't discuss this in the morning," he grumped. "Sheppard's probably going to forget the entire day ever happened."

"That'd be good," said Sheppard. "An' not so good."

"In what way could forgetting this debacle be 'not so good?'" Rodney asked.

"I like remembering that my friends have got my back. Did I e'er tell you that?"

"Not in so many words," said Teyla, "but we have always known. We will not speak again of what happened today, but we will not let you forget that we have your back."

"Even on a crappy day," said Rodney.

"That's good," said Sheppard. "We'll have rough landings some days, but we'll ne'er crash."

~~~~oooo~~~~

The End