Disclaimer: I don't own The Infernal Devices.
Summary: Among his talents as a Shadowhunter, Will has one more gift - that of pushing people away. And it had never been more adamant that he shove Tessa Gray from his life. WillTessa, set during Clockwork Angel, oneshot
Is it bad that I like The Infernal Devices more than The Mortal Instruments? Haha, I hope not. Anyway, this is the first ID fanfic from me in a while, and I just wanted to try out this idea. It's a bit of Will-angst, nothing particularly long. Just a little something I wanted to write. I never thought I'd write a WillTessa (since I prefer her with Gabriel) but I just find Will kind of fascinating (even if he's a jerk) so yeah. I hope that everyone enjoys this! I would love to hear your opinions! Thanks for reading!
Break the Silence
Pushing people away has always been rather easy for him.
A few hateful words, crass jokes, rude comments, and most people are done. Everyone that has wanted to get to know him closely and wanted to be apart of his life have been tossed to the wayside, ignored as if they were as lowly as the worst of demons. This has usually been easy for him. Most people were easy to be rid of, easy to discard, easy to act like they didn't matter.
But, there have been exceptions.
Jem, for one instance. He has seen past all of his devices, all of the ways that he tries to get rid of people, all the ways that he hurts people. Yet Jem stays with him through everything. Questioning, but never judging. That's what is good about Jem. He's a good friend, always there, but he won't say a negative word about anyone.
Letting Jem in had been easy and hard all at the same time. He now considers the Carstairs boy to be his closest friend. Closer than a brother. Parabatai.
He was sure that no one else would even come close to their relationship. He was sure that no one else would even want to be around him as long as Jem has. Positive that he would always be alone, always be just him and Jem and the people at the Institute. He hadn't made additions to that plan.
So it was rather concerning when Will Herondale met Tessa Gray.
He had been with many a woman, sure. Each one as girly and as flirty as the next. Each one as vapid and dull and interesting as dishwater. He had been with them long enough to learn their name, to engage in some provocative activity, and then leave without further questioning. Keeping everything in order. Nothing out of place, nothing unexpected. He had been intimate with them, yes, but never felt anything out of the ordinary.
Until her.
Their meeting was a strange one. She bashed him over the head with a vase. Of course, she would leave an impression on him. Who wouldn't it leave an impression on?
It seemed to have gone all downhill from there.
All of their meetings, everything that they had gone through, had strengthened the pull he felt to her, magnified it so much that he was surprised that not everyone had seen it by now.
Now he really hates to imagine the fact that it can't stay this way.
He's dangerous. He's not good for someone like her. He can't allow someone as pure and innocent and bright as Tessa be tainted by his darkness. It would be the most awful, sinister thing to let happen. Something that he could never forgive himself for doing. Because as long as she is near him, he's sure that she will be colored by the dark aura that surrounds him. He doesn't deserve someone like her. He doesn't deserve her kindness or her smiles. Doesn't deserve any of it.
And so he hurts her.
After everything with Mortmain, he makes the proposition that he knows will insult her. Knows will cause her to hate him and be hurt more than anything else he could have suggested.
She is hurt, he knows. Sees it in the way that she tries not to cry, sees it in the set of her shoulders, her full lips pressed tightly together. Will thinks she is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, but can't bring himself to ask her to stay like a civilized human being. Because, really, he's not.
He can never ask her to stay. It's not his place to condemn her to something awful with him when she's got so much to worry about. He can't bring her down to his level of darkness, can't pull her off of that high pedestal he's put her on, can't submerge her in the awfulness that follows him like the plague.
Tessa turns and leaves and he finds that he wants to call her back. Wants to apologize. But he beats that down as if it were a rabid dog, knowing that it isn't the right thing to do. The right thing to do here is to let her go. Let her be with someone who deserves her - like Jem. He would be good for her, Will knows. Jem is good for everyone, even people with souls as black as his. Because Jem carries his own darkness with him, though it is of a different beast than Will's own, and maybe that is why he is so close to Jem himself.
He listens as the door shuts behind her, tries not to be bothered with the fact that her face was too sad, too downtrodden, for his liking. She had seen so much strife lately, why did he have to be the cause of more?
Because he could never bring her the light she deserves.
He could never be what she needs. No one with his background, with his personality, could.
The very idea seems ludicrous.
So he decides at that moment to let her go. He must let her go, this bewitching not-human that had him enraptured from the start. Brown hair, gray eyes, intelligent and kind and brave. No one could compare to her and no one ever would.
He's doing the right thing, he tells himself. He has to believe that or this whole thing would seem far too stupid, far too useless, and that would make him want to go find her and apologize.
But he wouldn't.
He couldn't.
And so this is what will be, what will always be. There has been very few things that Will has been adamant about, and this is one of them. Possibly the most important.
Protect Tessa Gray.
From demons, mundanes, warlocks, vampires, werewolves, faeries, and the like.
Most importantly, protect her from himself.
Will Herondale resolves himself to this as he leans on the balcony, stares out at the lights of London, and tries not to picture the way that they had made Tessa Gray's eyes shine.
End.