Bella
I can't stop peeking over at Jacob as I twist the new diamond ring around and around on my left ring finger. He had just asked me to marry him an hour ago, and I was still in shock. I mean, we have been friends forever, but we had only started dating a month ago. I'm so not sure if I want this, and I feel as though I'm suffocating in the small space of the car.I breathe in deeply chewing on my lip, as I drum my fingers on the staring wheel impatiently, feeling like I am on the verge of a full blown panic.
"You seem high-strung tonight." He says with out looking up from his phone.
"Ugh, its this stupid light!" I huff, gesturing towards the red light we have been sitting at for at least three minutes.
He just snorts at me and continues texting, he was so happy when I said yes, and hasn't put his phone down since. He has made sure to tell every single person we know, and I feel as though I'm going to vomit because I feel like, maybe saying yes was a big mistake.
I look down at my finger again, and I want to rip the ring off. I don't like the weight of it on my hand. I frown and direct my attention to the light again.
"Finally!" I exclaim as the light switches to green, and I floor it into the middle of the intersection.
After that everything seems to happen at once, I can hear Jake breathe in sharply beside me.
"Bella!" He yells out trying to stop me, but its too late...
oOoOo
(A year later)
"I'm moving Jake." I sigh, as I place a single red tulip on top of the gravestone. I let my hand run over the rough granite, and close my eyes, trying to imagine his face. It pains me that only a year has passed, and I am already having a hard time recalling the exact shade of brown his eyes were.
What would happen as more time passed? Would Jacob's face become nothing more than a whisper of a memory in the back of my mind? I cringe involuntarily, and clear my throat.
"I just can't be here anymore, living everyday haunted by- by-" I swallow hard past the lump that, for the past year, has been permanently lodged in my throat. "All these memories." I finish, before bringing a shaky hand to my face to swipe at the tears.
"I hope you understand." I whisper, my voice cracking as I turn my back on him. I am an extremely shitty person, I should have been the one to die that night.
oOoOo
"And you're sure you made the right decision?" My father Charlie's voice asks skeptically from the other end of the phone
I look around my new place, taking in the dingy walls and stains on the rug before answering. "Yeah, I'm gonna be fine dad." I say, trying to put him at ease
He really hadn't wanted me to move all by myself, especially all the way across the country to Boston.
"It's just, Boston is a lot different than Forks Bells."
"I know, I'll be fine." I repeat my earlier statement. Maybe if I keep saying it I really will be fine, but that is just an unrealistic fantasy, because I know I will never be fine again.
"Alright honey, I'll let you go. Just, please don't hesitate to call if you need me." He sounds defeated, and another piece of my already mangled heart feels as if it is breaking.
"Sure dad."
"Kay, love you kiddo."
"Love you too." I say softly before hanging up.
I shove my phone in my pocket, and lean against one of the dirty walls. "This is my home now." I whisper to myself, closing my eyes.
I exhale slowly, feeling relieved that nothing here can remind me of Jake, and then inhale sharply because the guilt is extreme, and its crushing my chest. I came here to make it easier for myself to live, but I don't deserve to have it easy, and I definitely don't even deserve to live. If Jacob had been driving, and I had died that night, he probably would have never moved. He would have stayed in Forks, in the house we bought together. He would have looked after my dad, and made sure he was okay, not run away like a coward.
"Damn it." I yell, more at myself than anything. Will I ever not feel guilty?
I can feel my hands starting to tremble, and I try to keep my heightening nerves from getting to an all time high. I try counting to ten slowly, and when that doesn't calm me down enough, I figure screw it, and reach into my purse for my bottle of pills.
Just as I am swallowing one down there is a knock at the door. I walk over slowly, maneuvering around the small pile of cardboard boxes, and peer hesitantly through the peep hole. There is a girl who looks to be about my age standing there.
"What the-?" I swing the door open with more force than necessary, because I have no idea what the hell this girl wants.
"Hi!" The girl chirps enthusiastically.
I can feel myself cringing away from her perky voice, and when I realize how rude I must seem I try to form my features into a smile before I speak. "Um, hi?"
"You're my new neighbor huh?" The girl asks, and I have to force myself not to roll my eyes at her, because I think it's pretty obvious that I am moving in.
"I'm Jessica!" She continues speaking in her overly chipper voice, as she holds her right hand out to me.
I stare at her hand for a moment, before slowly shaking it. It has been so long since I had physical contact with anyone. After Jacob passed away, I hadn't really even been talking to anyone. I mean everyone knew it was my fault he died, who wants to hang around with a murderer? I shudder a bit at where my thoughts have strayed, and swallow hard.
I realize after a moment that the girl is waiting for me to introduce myself. "Oh- hi, I'm Bella." I say as if it's an afterthought.
I clear my throat before I speak again. "I- um- sorry, I'm just exhausted from the move." I smile weakly.
"Too tired to go out?" She asks, and before I can even answer she starts talking again. "There's this bar down the street, it's called Twilight. The food is good, the drinks are cheap, and there's this hot piece of ass that works behind the bar." She finishes the last part with a gleam in her eye.
"Oh, uh-" I start to decline her offer because I'm really not feeling like I want to go out, but then I think about the alternative. Do I really want to stay in, and make myself sick with these feelings of guilt, or do I want to go and grab a couple drinks and try to relax?
"Sure." I nod at her. Who knows? Maybe I can drink myself stupid and actually sleep through the night for a change.
Jessica squeals with delight at my answer.
oOoOo
As we walk along Jessica basically tells me her whole life story, and believe me when I say it was completely with out any prying from me. She told me how she had moved here from California six months ago to attend school here. She tells me that she had been so excited when the landlord told her a young girl was moving into the apartment next door to hers, because she didn't have many friends out here- Apparently she has big plans for us to be the best of friends.
I groan inwardly, as I walk beside this chattering girl.
"-and then he broke up with me!" Jessica huffs beside me, bringing me back down to earth. "I mean, seriously, I can't help that he lives thousands of miles away!" She continues on, not even noticing, or maybe just not caring that I haven't even heard a word of what she said.
"Well, here it is!" She practically sings, gesturing to the door of a building that looks like old-fashioned Irish inspired pub.
As we walk inside I busy myself digging for my wallet in my purse, because there is no doubt in my mind I will be carded. I find it buried beneath all the crap in my purse.
Jessica grabs my arm just as I am taking out my liscence, and pulls me close to her. "There he is!" She tries to whisper, but she's so excited that it sounds more like a shriek.
I look over at the bar, where there is a young man making a drink. "Your boyfriend?" I ask, feeling confused, and a little groggy and slow.
"No! I'm newly single remember?" She laughs at me, and thankfully she doesn't seem offended that I hadn't been listening to her earlier. "That's the hot piece of ass I was telling you about!" She giggles.
I shrug at her as we walk up to the bar, feeling a bit better about coming out already. That Valium I took was definitely working its magic.
"So what can I get for you ladies?" The 'hot piece of ass', as Jessica refers to him, asks us as we take our seats.
"I'll get my usual, Edward." Jessica giggles, batting her eyelashes, and flipping her bushy curly hair over her soulder, which doesn't quite have the desired effect considering her hair looks slightly like a brillo pad.
Jeesh, coming on a little strong? I think to myself as I fight the urge to roll my eyes at her for the millionth time tonight. .
"What about you?" He asks in a voice of velvet, staring at me with the greenest eyes I have ever seen. I mean, they are pretty much glowing, and his hair, which is a unique bronze color, is tousled in the most unruly manner. He is- The most beautiful man I have ever layed my eyes on.
I swallow the guilt I feel from that thought down and chew on my lip, as I nervously wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. "Um, I'll take the cheapest beer you've got." I say, and then pause before adding. "And a shot of Southern Comfort."
He raises an eyebrow at me, as if I am a riddle he wants to figure out, and then moves to get our drinks.
As we wait Jessica continues chattering away. I dig my fingernails into the palms of my hands, trying to keep from snapping at her. Just when I feel I'm losing the battle a full shot glass is plopped in front of me. I look up, and I'm met with a playful smirk from the green eyed god like creature.
"Here you go kiddo." He chuckles.
"Um?" I start, feeling confused because I am sure I ordered a shot and a beer. I purse my lips as I look up at him. "I ordered a beer too?"
"Yeah I know, but I wanna see you do that shot first." He says playfully.
I glare at him as I bring the glass to my lips. He is probably around my age, twenty four or so, but something about him seems older. I tip my head back quickly, emptying the glass, and then place it on the bar in front of me. When I look back up at him one side of his mouth is lifted in a crooked smile, causing me to inhale sharply. Jessica clears her throat from beside me, making me jump.
"May I have my beer now?" I ask impatiently, feeling my hands start to shake.
A tiny black haired girl who is tending the bar with him yells over as she pours some sort of mixed drink for a girl sitting across the bar from us. "Just give her the drink Edward!" She chides him, rolling her eyes at the back of his head.
"Well, alright then." He says, but he is still doing the annoyingly cute half smile thing as he hands me the bottle.
I try to keep my hands steady as I take it from him, but fail miserably. He quirks an eyebrow at me for the second time, but before he can say anything Jessica interrupts.
"So, Edward what are you doing after this?" She asks reaching over to touch his arm.
He pulls out of her reach before answering. "I better go help Alice, the bar is getting busy." Then he pauses to look at me. "You ladies enjoy your drinks."