1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

...

Poke.

...

Poke.

...

Poke.

"Mind if I ask you why you are poking me with a spoon?" asked irritated Ernie.

Jack feigned innocence.

"Well, for one, you are Hufflepuff..."

Ernie sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you Jack, Hufflepuffs are not meant to be poked by a spoon?"

"I have to," Jack cried out. "Your house is covered in bees!"

Ernie did a double-take.

"Whaddya mean, our house is covered in bees!"

"Well, you house color is Black and Yellow!"

"Jack," asked another Hufflepuff sitting next to them testily, "Do you even know why our house covered in bees somehow makes it reasonable to poke us with spoons?"

Jack blinked, scratched his head. "You know now that I think about it, I don't have any idea why it would mean that y'all should be poked with spoons."

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin.

Jack slowly crept up to Buckbeak.

Clutching a ferret in one hand and camera in the other, he began to speak.

"G'day folks, I am here today to feed this legendary Hippogrif... his name is Buck- I, I mean WhiterWings. Now, when I first met this animal, and when I tried to go pet him, it was a huge, huge mistake. This guy jumped up, and tried to hit me, a deadly life or death situation.
"Because when they strike it can be that quick that if they're within range, you're dead, you're dead in your tracks. And his head weighs more than my body so it's WHACK! Yeah, for some reason Hippogriffs have to cut me. That's their job. I don't know why that is. They've nearly torn my nose off. I've had some really bad Hippogrif injuries."

Harry came up the hill.

"Hey, Jack. Professor McGonagall is looking for you. They have some really angry Slytherin 7th years... You better come."

Jack sighed. And he was about to feed Buckbeak.

3. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

"Now, Jack. You know why you are here I assume?" Professor McGonagall's scowl was thunderous.

"Umm..." Jack tried to think of something he did today that got him into trouble. Putting beetles into one unsuspecting Slytherin's soup? Graffiting with red color on walls claiming that Chamber of Secretes was open again? Putting Doug Henning posters in Mr. Filch's office?

"Because... I put Doug Henning posters in Mr. Filch's office?"

"Correct." McGonagall grimaced. "You know how Mr. Filch feels about not being able to do magic."

"Well, I would have sympathy for him, if he did not have to be so hateful."

4. I will not go to class skyclad.

"You know, sometimes i don't believe you!" Professor McGonagall's face was red as ketchup. "I mean, going into History of Magic SKYCLAD!"

"Hey! I'm not that bad!" Jack protested. "And it's so boring in there, with him babbling of Goblin Massacres or something with that vacuum voice of his. I just tried to make things interesting!"

"Interesting? INTERESTING!" McGonagall's nose flared.

She sighed.

"You should be glad that you at least had some decency to wear undergarments Mr. Black, or the punishment would have been more severe."

5. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

Professor Umbridge was humming in her detention room, inspecting DA members who were using Blood Quills to write lines for their punishment.

Ah yes. Things were going smoothly these days. Her becoming the Headmaster, DA secret group being discovered...

Wait...

She stood up.

"Mr. Black, may I see your hand?"

Jack nonchalantly stretched out his hand.

Umbridge's face turned violet.

"Extra week of detention Mr. Black. I hope that it will be enough."

People were struggling to see what he wrote in his hand.

It was written: "I told you I was hardcore."

6. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

Jack hummed rhapsody will heading up to the Painting with the Pear, carrying a bundle of packages with him. He had marvelous idea today. Simply Marvelous... Why hadn't he thought of this before?

Chuckling, he ticked the Pear in the painting, which promptly giggled, and swung open.

"Hello my dear elves!"

Instantly, Elves began to leave their work behind to meet their idol.

"Mr. Black! How are you today sir?" Dobby was thrilled to see him.

Jack smiled. "Fine, fine... I have some favor to ask you for."

"Anything for Mr. Black!"

He grinned. "At tonight's dinner, I wish that you guys and girls serve... fried snake to Slytherin's table."

He placed the package down on the floor.

"It's their delicacy."

Dobby nodded. "Yes sir, of course sir."

Jack cackled as he went back to his dorm. Ah, to see Slytherins' face when they are being served fried snakes...

oOo

"Hey, Draco?"

"What is it?"

"What is this stuff?" Goyle held up today's breakfast with his fork. "This stuff is bloody delicious!"

Draco narrowed his eyes, examining the food; his chewing slackened.

"You know, I have no idea... Though I agree, it does taste good." Draco turned to the side. "Oi, Blaise!"

"Hmm?"

"What is this food made out of?"

"...I think it is some sort of eel."

Draco glanced back at the food; indeed, it was long.

"Hey! Nott!" said boy raised his head. "Does any other house have the same food as we do?"

Standing up, Nott began craning his neck to observe other tables; they did not have the same food as they did.

"What seems to be the problem here?" said the cold voice behind them. Draco turned around to see Snape walking toward them.

"Professor Snape, we have no idea of what kind of food we are eating; we never have seen this before!"

Snape picked up a plate from the table and examined the food; in his over a decade of teaching he too never saw this food.

"Winky!"

The said elf appeared in front of Snape."

"Yes Professor Snape?"

"Might I ask what food this is?"

Winky brightened. "That would be fried snakes, sir!"

The whole table upon hearing Winky's words became silent.

Exactly 5 seconds later they began to retch and throw up everywhere on the table.

Snape grimaced. "And who told you that this was a good idea?"

Winky answered, surprise evident on her face. "Master Black, sir!"

"Black." Snape hissed between his bared teeth.

7. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

Jack slowly waved his hands in front of Fred's face.

No response.

He waved again.

No response.

Jack smiled. It was time to prank the prankster.

Slowly, reaching into his robes, he took out Muggle Permanent Marker.

Ah, what wonderful things Muggles create these days.

Slowly, so that Professor Binns would not notice anything, he began to draw a skull with snake coming out of its mouth on side of the Fred's arm.

30 minutes later

Satisfied with the results, he stretched back and waited for the results.

"...and Goblins retaliated by Revolt of 1762. That will be enough for today."

Professor Binns went through the back board.

Fred yawned, and stretched his arm; this was his first mistake.

"Hey bro." George said, noticing his arm. "What's that in your arm?"

"Hmm?" Fred took a look, his face changing from apprehensiveness to horror.

Than he noticed Jack laughing.

"Very funny Jack..." Fred said, as he packed his things. "I'm telling McGonagall, you know..."

8. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

Oliver Wood looked hacked.

No, scratch that, he was furious.

No, scratch that, he was downright murderous.

"Someone in Slytherin team stole a pair of Bludgers we need to play today!" Oliver shouted. "They are going to cancel this match if they don't find it!"

"Hold on Oliver," Fred interrupted. "How do you know whether they stole them or not?"

"I just know." Oliver gritted his teeth.

Jack raised his eyebrows. He had to find a replacement Bludgers soon.

A light bulb turned on top of his head.

He turned it off.

"Hey Oliver, I got an idea..."

30 minutes later...

"Dobby?" Jack called out. "Oh, and Winky too!"

Two elves came to his attention.

"Yes sir?"

"Someone nicked the Bludgers and we can't play without them. If it is not asking much, I need you two to dress up as a Bludgers. I promise it won't hurt a bit; I'll be putting spells on it to ensure that you won't get hurt."

"Of course Mr. Black!"

30 minutes later...

"Wood! Wood!" Jack came running toward him. "I got some Bludgers!"

"You got some? Great job! Where did you find them?"

"Ask questions later! Let's go!"

The look on Slytherins' face was priceless when Fred and George triumphantly carried the balls to the stadium.

Overall, it had been a good idea. They beat Slytherins soundly by 180 to 40, and they were ahead for the Quidditch Cup.

Except for the fact that Hermione figured it out somehow by the end of the match, resulting in Jack being lectured by Hermione with pursed lips with a scowl.

9. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.

Hermione sighed as she shut the book. She couldn't take it any longer.

"Jack."

"Hmm?"

"You are not setting that pool up again, are you?"

"Why, yes I am."

Hermione rubbed her face.

"Jack, how many times do I have to tell you; starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept."

"You only think that because you're not good a divination." Jack chuckled as he offered his betting hat to another student.

"It's not because of that, it's tasteless, crude, and not to mention rude to our new DADA teacher."

"Half of those DADA teachers tried to get our necks, Hermione."

Hermione shook her face and went back to her book.

10. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

Jack yawned as he went into Morning Breakfast; that particular Quidditch Practice last night drained him.

He noticed that he was the last one to settle in for breakfast. His eyes were roaming around to seek where he could sit; until he discovered that the only seat available was next to Seamus Finnegan.

Oh no, he thought.

It was not that he had any particular hard feelings toward Seamus; it was just that every one day of the month they always served cereal.

Today they served Lucky Charms.

He slowly crept into the only available space, hoping that Seamus would not notice him.

Unfortunately, he did.

"Good Morning Jack." Seamus muttered as he poured milk into his bowl.

"Uh, hey Seamus." Jack replied uncomfortably as he slowly reached for his cereal.

Please don't ask for the cereal, please don't ask for the cereal-

"Hey Jack, can you pass that cereal you got? I'm kind of low on mine."

"AAAAHHHHHHHH! I KNEW IT! HEY EVERYBODY!" Jack went berserk, wildly flailing his arms. "THIS LUCKY CHARMS IS AFTER ME! WHAAAAAAAAAA!"