Shades of Grey
Nikita had long since finished retraining. She had suffered through the realization of yet another one of Section's and Michael's manipulations. Jurgen had died, refusing to allow Michael to do so.
In the weeks after Jurgen's death, Nikita had taken up Operations and Madeline on their offer to go any where in the world. She lost herself in Scotland.
The first day she walked in in all black and not a hint of color on her, they all knew something was different. As the days turned into weeks, each noticed changes in Nikita.
Michael noticed her avoidance of him. It wasn't total avoidance like before with Jurgen. This was different. She had a coldness, a professional quality about her, one she never possessed before. They talked of only business now.
Walter noticed how she no longer flirted or disobeyed. He saw her as having become Michael.
Birkoff noticed how she was all business now. Her feelings had disappeared with her smile and colorful clothes.
Madeline noticed how she could no longer read Nikita like an open book. She couldn't read anything in her eyes, let alone her face. That worried Madeline. Nikita had become like Michael in every way.
Operations noticed how she sat quietly in briefings and asked the questions Michael would have asked if she hadn't beaten him to it. Operations saw her as the perfect operative and he had to wonder. What had happened in Scotland?
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Nikita payed no attention to the turbulent thoughts of those around her. Her rose-colored glasses about life, especially Section life were gone. Scotland had helped her see the truth of her life, Section and Michael.
His last manipulation- she knew she couldn't entirely blame him, though- had destroyed her hope in them. His inability to show his feelings had pushed her to Jurgen in the first place. His comment about the two sides of himself helped her to see him better and herself.
She had spent her first week in Scotland ignoring Section and forgetting all of her troubled existence. During her second week, reality intruded.
Michael permeated her thoughts. She saw him clearly now. When she had been free, he had allowed himself one night of weakness, knowing inside Section he could never. For that one stolen night in time, he had allowed his other side- his feeling side- complete control. In Section, once in a while he would allow it to show- in cases like protecting her from Operations. She saw clearly how he had protected her. She saw, now, the necessity of the two sides. Without dividing one's self like Michael had, one would not be able to truly survive Section. So, to survive, she split herself, becoming in every way like Michael. No emotions were shown, for they were used as weapons. She saw that clearly now, too. With her two sides, she found she could control how Michael hurt her.
But this came at the end of her two week stay in Scotland. For her to divide herself into two selves, she had to first come to terms with the rest of her. When Michael's latest manipulation at the orders of Section had destroyed her hope in them, her heart shattered. Without her heart, her soul could not survive and soon all that was left inside her were scattered shards of her heart and soul. Only this allowed her to separate herself.
She knew that she had lost most of her soul. She had become like Michael and she knew it, accepted it. But she knew, also, that there did exist one difference between them. There was something left of the old Nikita. She could not completely let go of her beliefs. Innocents were to be protected as much as possible. Section goals, she saw now, were important, but for her survival, she also had to try and protect the innocents that some times got involved.
Both Madeline and Michael had tried to show her that she needed to see the bigger picture and not the narrow view she had always chosen. Her narrow view had allowed her to blame only Michael for all the evil in Section, at least the evil she perceived. Seeing the bigger picture allowed her to rectify Section goals and their means, most of the time.
Her world was now shades of grey. What once was a sharp contrast of black and white was now a continuum of shades of grey. Good and evil were no longer clear-cut, concrete concepts. Truth and lies merged into one. And strangely, Nikita didn't mind.
That had been her two weeks in Scotland. Nikita had aged a life time in those two weeks. She had returned with a week still left. In that last week she changed her apartment and wardrobe. Deep, dark cherry and mahogany woods replaced modern plastics. Subdued colors of cream, navy, burgundy, hunter green and black replaced bright colors. Outfits of black replaced her signature bold colors. She wasn't consciously becoming Michael, but those colors reflected her new views. And in the end, she saw her transformation into Michael. But this time, she understood him and his choices.
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Time passed in Section One like it always did. Weeks piled into months until almost two years had passed since her return from Scotland.
Everyone had been trying to figure Nikita out. They all had come to the conclusion that she had become like Michael. None of them could deny that. Yet none of them could figure out the reason for her change. Birkoff and Walter wanted to blame Michael, but after a while they blamed Section. Michael did blame himself. Madeline didn't form a conclusion. She knew she'd never know unless Nikita offered her one.
Operations accepted her change and grudgingly admitted she was one of their best operatives. Yet he wondered if her change, the one he had previously wanted and had pushed for, was a good one. Birkoff, Walter and Michael were hurting from it. Madeline was puzzled by it. His best operatives were letting it interfere with their work. Granted, it wasn't much, none of them would allow that, but it was becoming more and more apparent in their work as time passed. Things did not run as smoothly as they once had. Sure, Michael was no longer lying to protect her, for the obvious reason that there was no need, but things weren't quite right. And if he was honest with himself, he would admit that he missed the life she had brought to Section with her outrageously colorful outfits and feelings. Operations wanted to know what had happened in Scotland, but he knew better than to ask. He would never receive an answer. And he recognized that sending in Michael would not yield in any information and it could make the situation worse.
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Michael had visited her apartment a few times since her change, always in the safety of darkness. She had not invited anyone over since Scotland. And, although he loved her changes in decor- the dark woods were beautiful- it brought home just how much she had changed.
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It was after a difficult mission. Michael knew he had to try and talk to Nikita. He could no longer live with her choice. He had watched her kill innocents without blinking an eye or a second thought.
Michael was waiting for her when she returned to her apartment. She showed no surprise because she wasn't surprised. She had been expecting this, but she wished it wasn't now. She needed to think about her actions. She knew she had stopped protecting the innocents and it scared her. She knew it was only a matter of time until she became the darkness she had always accused Michael of being.
"Yes, Michael?" she asked, sitting gracefully into her favorite chair.
"I need to talk to you Nikita," he said softly, concern coloring his voice and shining in his eyes. "What happened Nikita?"
There was silence for a long time as Nikita thought.
She was about to answer when Michael's cell phone rang. Nikita had her coat on and was at the door when Michael hung up.
"Want a ride?" She asked.
He didn't need one, his car was parked a few blocks away.
"Thanks," he responded.
They were silent on the ride in, but they both knew their conversation wasn't finished and something had shifted.
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They, along with Walter and Birkoff, were briefed on a mission that would take place in Ireland. Michael and Nikita would pose as husband and wife team of buyers and they had to stop a shipment of Section files to Legion.
The mission went smoothly. And Nikita and Michael spent their last night in Ireland in a way they had not spent the rest, sleeping.
Nikita woke up in Michael's arms. His shoulder was her pillow and one arm was stretched over his chest. She smiled then. But it disappeared as she came to the realization that her earlier choices that she had made in Scotland had not allowed her simple pleasures. She missed Walter's flirting, baiting Michael, their ritual coffee trips. She missed annoying Operations and Michael and joking with Birkoff. She needed to find a balance between who she used to be and who she was now.
Michael had felt her smile and then it disappear.
Softly, he whispered, "I am sorry about Jurgen, Nikita. If I had know how much his loss would affect you, I would have found a way to stop him."
Nikita heard him and paused. **** Jurgen? He thought I changed because of Jurgen?**** She smiled again. "Jurgen had nothing to do with this, Michael. Never has."
Michael was shocked.
"We need to leave soon, Michael," she spoke, back to business. She needed to straighten out her thoughts before she voiced them to him.
Michael recognized he would get no further information from her then.
****She's learned from me quite well.**** But he felt no pride at the thought.
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Two days later Michael found Nikita in his office.
"We need to talk," she spoke quietly.
"My place okay?" Michael suggested.
Nikita nodded.
She remained quiet until they were seated in his living room.
"It was never about Jurgen, really, Michael. You pushed me to him by denying your feelings. It was more of a breakdown. Section life, philosophies and games got to me. But you had a lot to do with it, too. That first week in Scotland, I ignored Section. The second week, you invaded my thoughts and I was forced to see things as they truly were. Your speech about your two sides helped me to understand you. Anyway, with my hope in a relationship between us gone, my heart and soul shattered. I still have them; they just are in pieces. That allowed me to become like you. I separated myself, like you. That allowed me to see the big picture. The shades of grey I had once denied became my life. I became you, Michael, and I didn't mind. But I recognized a difference. I could not fully suppress my beliefs. Innocents had to be protected as much as possible and up until two missions ago, I did protect them. When you came to talk before the last mission, I realized what I had done. And I needed to think. Then this mission made me realize that I had denied myself the simple pleasure in life. Like annoying you and Operations, flirting with Walter, joking with Birkoff. I have to find a balance between who I was and who you are. If I stay as you, I will become the darkness I once accused you of being. The darkness that you fear you are sometimes. And I am going to need your help. It's been two years, Michael. I know every one of you has worried over me. We no longer are the team, the unit, we all once were. I know Operations sees that. And I know I can never go back to who I was. I see everything now and things are a lot clearer now. The innocence I once had is gone. But staying like this will destroy me even more than your manipulations hurt me.
"I have thought quite a bit during these last two days. I have come to the conclusion that on missions, I can be the cold operative that I have been in recent years. But between missions, I need our coffee breaks and talks and Walter and Birkoff. I can't be you, Michael. I can't close myself off that much. Not if I want to live. I need an in between, Michael, and I need you to help me find that," Nikita spoke softly as Blues played in the background. Music had always meant a lot to them. That was a way for them to share their feelings.
Michael smiled. "Love to, Nikita. Who you have been these last two years has nearly killed me. I need you as my light, my sanity, in Section. Knowing I did this to you hurt and almost destroyed me. I do have to say, though, your taste in furniture has improved!" Michael laughed softly and Nikita joined in.
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That next day, Nikita was called in by a whisper soft "Josephine" over the telephone lines.
This time she dressed in black, skin tight jeans, an emerald green silk shirt knotted in the front and black boots. A silver necklace and ring completed her new look.
Her eyes registered the surprise that flickered over everyone's face except for Michael's when she walked into the briefing room.
Michael locked eyes with Nikita after Operations' talk and Nikita smiled and nodded slightly.
Michael asked a few questions and when all were satisfied with the information, Operations moved to leave. Operations was surprised at Nikita's silence.
"Since we have a few minutes, I have a few things to say," Nikita slipped out of mission mode. "I know you all have been worried about my changes in the past two years. And they have affected this team. What I want to say is this. Who I have been and who I once was are two people I can not be. Somehow I must find a balance between them. Scotland helped me to see the big picture. The shades of grey of Section life. But shutting off everything almost destroyed me. Balances are important." Nikita walked out then and moved to get ready for the mission.
When she hit Walter's station for her weapons, the skirt she had changed into rode high as she sat on the edge of his table.
"What do you have for me today?" she purred, her voice sultry and low. Her eyes held a smile.
"Good to have you partly back, Sugar," Walter smiled, then his eyes lit up as he whispered, "Nice thighs."
Nikita swatted him and laughed. ****God that felt good.****
Next she bugged Birkoff.
By the time she met Michael for the mission, her eyes shined with laughter. But on the plane ride to the sight, her eyes dimmed and she slipped into her mission mode.
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Three months later, Nikita laughed as she got ready for her meeting with Michael. She was searching her closet for a good outfit to wear.
Her eyes lit on something she hadn't worn in over two years. It was more colorful than her usual outfits, but it was cute and sexy and it fit her playful mood.
She hurried to get ready, knowing she had spent too much time choosing her songs for the day. She had chosen I Wanna Go to Far by Trisha Yearwood. That fit her mood, too, today. And for a trip down memory lane, she had chose Wild One by Faith Hill.
And Michael did laugh at her choices. Things were right, normal, again. **** Normal for Section, anyway!****