It was a beautiful day on Middle Earth, the sun was shining, Gimli the dwarf was singing, and Legolas the elf was washing his hair. Everything was as it should be, and nothing could disturb the peace they were experiencing on the hot winter's day. Nothing except....
"MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK!!!" The playful young hobbit had just hurled himself into the stream where Legolas was sat on the bank, soaking him with water, causing him to get Herbal Essences shampoo into his eyes.
"What?!" Merry replied indignantly. "I'm just having a bit of fun We never have any fun on this quest anymore!"
"Merry. We're trying to destroy the one ring of power and rid Middle Earth of all evil - it's not supposed to be fun," answered the now very wet elf as he pulled Merry out of the stream.
"I know that, but seeing as we never even see the ring anymore, since that halfwit halfling Frodo got it stuck on his finger, we might as well make the most of - and enjoy, the sunshine!" and with that, Merry proceeded to attack the elf by (or so it appeared) wrestling with his knees. Although afterwards the hobbit stated that he was merely attempting to knock Legolas over so that he fell in the mud. Anyway...
"Arrgghh!! What is it with hobbits?! They're so annoying. They drive you crazy with their incessant chattering and constant happiness," said the now thoroughly irritated Mr Greenleaf.
"I like annoying you," said Merry, "Anyway you're so easy to wind up!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Yeah... well at least I don't have hairy feet!"
"At least my hair's not all girlie, and at least I'm not some dumb blonde!"
"Don't even think about insulting the hair you, you..."
"SILENCE!!!"
Gandalf the all powerful wizard cried out to them. He was tired of their constant bickering. 'Every bloody day...' he thought, 'What's a wizard got to do to get a little peace around here?'
"Arrggh!" he shouted out loud as something stamped on his foot. He looked around. No one was there. Then he looked down, remembering that four hobbits and a dwarf were in his party. Still no one. Then...
"FRODO" he boomed. "You wait until Aragorn returns from Rivendell with the anti invisibility plant!" 'Also known as a rather potent form of pipeweed' he thought longingly. 'Ahhhh, that'd get me through the day!'
Oh! Back to story!
Anyway, the plant would make the eater able to see invisible people, so that they could see and catch Frodo and remove the ring. This was necessary because Frodo was rather enjoying his new found freedom and was unwilling to be assisted with the ring's removal. 'You can still see the teeth marks...' thought Gandalf.
Gone off track again - now, where were we?
Oh yes... Or at least that was what he had told the Fellowship! The truth was, that, being an extremely great and powerful wizard, he could already see Frodo - but he wasn't about to tell the others that when there was pipeweed on the way! 'Anyway,' he reasoned to himself, he couldn't see Frodo - at least not without his contact lenses in!
Gandalf smiled to himself when he left Merry and Legolas and went to lie down under a tree. Soon, the sound of his snores could be heard as he drifted into a deep sleep...
"Frodo," a voice whispered, "Psst, Frodo. He's asleep, you can take the ring off now." There was a loud 'pop' and Frodo Baggings appeared in the field. His hair was rumpled, and he looked in need of a good wash.
"Frodo," said Sam Gamgee, "How long're you gonna keep this 'the ring's stuck and I can't get it off' lark up?"
"Just until Strider gets back from Rivendell," said Frodo, "I just wanted a break from the serious stuff for a while. Anyway, you know it's not the real ring, it's just a cheap imitation I picked up from that joke shop in Bree."
"Yes I know that, but -"
"Sam - lighten up! The real ring is safe, we get a holiday, Gandalf gets his pipeweed, and Strider gets to go to Rivendell to spend a romantic weekend with Arwen!"
"Ahh, you're right. Hey! What's going on over there?"
They look over to the stream. After another bout of fighting with Merry (and Pippin this time) involving rather a lot of mud, Legolas had had to wash his hair again. The trouble was -
"WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME THAT THERE WOULD BE NO ELECTRICITY ON THIS BLOODY QUEST??!!?" Legolas, normally so well spoken (well as prince of Mirkwood he had to be), screamed. "Huh?! Now I can't blow dry my hair, and it'll go all curly, and I'll... I'll look like..." he was really struggling to get his words out now, "I'll look like, like a hobbit for Christ's sake!!!"
Legolas sank down on the ground and started to cry. The hobbits all went to see him and gave him hugs.
"Cheer up elf boy," said Frodo, "It could be worse you know!"
"Yeah," said Merry, "You could have hairy feet!"
At this, Legolas started to cry harder.
"We're sorry Legolas," said Pippin, "Here, have a beer," he continued, before pulling a six pack of Bud Light out of his pack. The others stared.
"What?! I'm on a diet OK!" said Pippin defensively
Legolas refused a beer, stating that it would ruin his flawless complexion, but the four hobbits (joined suddenly by Gimli at the mention of beer, but upon hearing the make he departed swiftly!) settled down for a meal and a rest.
It was at this point that the hobbits realised that Legolas was no longer with them. In his place was a note, which read:
Dear Friends,
I apologise for the distress this may cause you, but I am afraid that I can no longer remain with you. I am deeply ashamed of myself. Do not expect to ever hear of me again.
Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood.