Songs II: Life Goes On
He heard it while monitoring a mission. It caught his attention for a split second before he returned to the task at hand.
Only one person noticed. Birkoff saw his boss's momentary lack of attention and later, after the mission was successful, made sure the operative transcribing the mission identified it. He then made sure it was included in the report.
Birkoff was still the computer genus that ran Section One. He now had many operatives that he had trained. He no longer monitored every mission, he had ones he trusted to do that. Certain one, ones he chose, though, he involved himself in. He had other duties to take care of. He was a sounding board of sorts for Operations.
Operations smiled at the report. He had put the noise out of his mind a second after he heard it and then had gotten busy with other things. It was only now, hours later, at 2 a.m. that he actually allowed his mind to contemplate the noise that had distracted him earlier.
Birkoff had included a CD with the song on it and a copy of the words. Before he looked at the words, he moved and put the CD on. He simply hit repeat, knowing he would need and want to listen to it many times. He listened to it through once and then picked up the words Birkoff had supplied.
It was after he had listened to the song while reading the lyrics that it hit him.
Had anyone, with maybe the exception of Birkoff, seen him, they would have been shocked. Operations, for only the third time in his years at Section One, was crying. He had put many years in at Section. Birkoff figured at least 25 now, but it could have been more for he had been here when Birkoff had been recruited. The first time had been when his son had died. The second had been when he first layed eyes on her when he followed her to Australia. This time would be the third and more than likely the last.
For the first time since Madeline had died, he allowed himself to think of her consciously. Since she had died, he was reminded of her in many small things. Her memory would always be a whisper in his mind, he knew and accepted that. She was never far from his thoughts.
The song started again, whispering words that touched his soul and described his life perfectly. There was always a time when she haunted him more than usual. Contrary to the words, it was not the time she had died, but rather the last time he had allowed himself to live. She had been there, and made him live.
The autumn leaves they rush outside my window
Like they've got something so important they must do
Sara will be home now any minute
She likes her third grade teacher and looks
So much like you
I struck a match to light the furnace in the hallway
I could smell the summer dust burning in the vent
It's just another thing that brings
Your memory back to me
I think Sara knows I'm troubled
By that scent, she reads my mind
I'm just fine 'til the end of September
Then I remember losing you October '89
If I live in the past, there's no future
I'm looking forward to leaving October behind
There's a girl I really like down at the office
Me and Sara asked her out for New Year's Eve
It made me cry when I told her all about us
But Sara says there's nothing wrong with me
It just takes time
I'm just fine 'til the end of September
The I remember loosing you October '89
If I live in the past, there's no future
I'm looking forward to leaving October behind
All things work for good
Has become my favorite verse
Sara told me that they would
But when the nights get cold
And the leaves turn rust and gold
That's when your memory hurts
I'm just fine 'til the end of September
Then I remember loosing you October '89
If I live in the past, there's no future
I'm looking forward to leaving October behind
Operations sighed and silently wiped away the tears that fell. He knew she wouldn't want him to cry at her memory. He knew she would blame herself for making him weak. But he understood now that she had made him stronger. He had understood that the moment he had decided to go after her. And in the end he knew that she understood too. Her death had hit him hard, and as the years passed, three others had hit hard too. Birkoff and he were the only ones left of her family. The rest had passed on in the past fifteen years since she had died.
In the safety of darkness he remembered the past.
Nikita had died fifteen years ago. She had whispered the words "I love you" and then flatlined. To this day that noise reminds him of her last words and the pain. Five years after Nikita, Walter died. He knew that the official word was a heart attack. Yet the four of them then had believed, and he still did, that his heart had simply given out. Walter had missed his 'Sugar' and time had let him see too many things. Then Operations had died three years later, giving his life to save Madeline. He had known in that second that Operations and Madeline had shared the same bond he and Nikita had. So he wasn't surprised three years later when Madeline had not returned from a mission. Only he and Birkoff were left now.
It was taking its toll. It always did, but lately more than normal. Yet he lived on, knowing Nikita would want him here, watching over the operatives that gave their lives, their souls for the rest of the world. Little things that reminded him of her kept him going. And a few operatives were blessed with his protection. For over the years, every once in a while, one would come along that was Nikita. Never did they have her pale blonde hair or electric blue eyes. None ever looked even close to Nikita, but they all shared her spirit and life. And Michael saw the need for life in Section, so he protected them when he could.
If it bothered him that most saw him as an unfeeling machine, he never let it show. He ignored it as the Operations before him did, knowing it was a necessity in their line of work. Birkoff would every once in a great while catch a glimpse of something in his eye and know the truth. The only time it bothered him was when it was a Josephine, for their overheard comments reminded him much of his time with Nikita.
Birkoff, curious about the song that had captured Operations attention, listened to it too, in another part of Section. And again, all would be shocked that the great computer genus had feelings and let them show. For the words affected him as much as they had Operations.
Birkoff let the tears flow unchecked as he remembered Section's shining star that had died suddenly years ago. He knew Walter's words to Michael twenty-one and a half years ago were true. "You know it in your heart, just like you knew this was no place for her." Walter had been right way back then. Nikita should have never been in Section One, but she had been and had changed the five of them greatly. The Operations back then, Madeline, Walter and he had been changed, but she had changed Michael the most.
Birkoff wished they had had a chance, but their relationship had been doomed from the start. He remembered her smile and her nagging about his sweets and how she just seemed to light up the room with her spirit and life. She never let Section win, even in the end. He had changed since the day she had died. He would never forget the call via satellite from Michael after she had flatlined. He had never seen the man look so beat, even after his wife and child had died or when Nikita had left the second time. Yet when Michael had returned, he had been different. He had come to terms with her being gone. It was years later that he found out how, the two songs that had accomplished it.
Even Birkoff played them when he missed her too much. The Heart Will Go On, although it was more appropriate for Michael, helped Birkoff too, for he had loved her as a sister. And then Dust in the Wind was simply a song for anyone who had lost a loved one. Birkoff added this newest song to his special titles for Leaving October had meaning as the others did.
As the dawn touched the sky in a brilliant array of colors neither saw, they both put memories back into a box that was rarely opened. For both lived in the shadows, each coming to the realization that Nikita had been the light and she was gone. But life goes on, the world is saved a million times over from threats it never knows of. And a few never let the light they had once, a long time ago, known go completely out. They kept it lit and lived in the shadows it created. But they both understood that life always carries on.