Problem 1:Allies can't eat, only you
Sima Zhao is finishing a Rage Musou attack. Many EXP and meatbuns and wine appear.
Sima Zhao:Guo Huai, eat the meatbuns floating there. You should be healthy in no time.
Guo Huai:*down to one third of health* Master Sima Zhao, I can't pick it up. *coughs* It just goes through me.
Sima Zhao:But it works for me, look. He goes to a meatbun, and it disappears. Health is full.
Guo Huai:Sorry, it only goes to you.*cough*
Sima Shi goes to jump at a floating meatbun. It just goes through him.
Sima Shi:What? He attempts to grab at it.
Problem 2:No friendly fire
Sima Zhao walks by and takes the bun Sima Shi was grabbing at. It disappears.
Sima Shi:*glowing red and black* Come here, Zhao.
He swings endlessly at Zhao, but he is simply pushed away by every strike.
Sima Zhao:*whistling*
Sima Shi:Why are you not getting cut?!
Sima Zhao:*points to himself* Ally.
Problem 3:Drink all that musou wine, you don't get drunk
Zhang Fei has finished a Rage Musou attack and the area is covered in wines and EXP and meatbuns.
Zhang Fei:Yeah! More wine! He runs to every wine jar and picks them up.
Guan Yu:Brother, watch how much you drink.
Zhang Fei:What are ya talking about? I feel fine! Though my stomach is acting a little funny...
Guan Yu:The wine must have been bad...
Zhang Fei:What? I...*hic* think...*pukes* What the? I don't feel drunk! Why am I puking?
Guan Yu:It seems you won't be drunk, but feel the side effects.
Zhang Fei:But drunk is the best feeling in the world! If I'm just puking and hiccuping, what is the point of drinking?
Problem 4:Some people can't age, no matter how many games there are
DW4
Zhou Yu:Ok...you're Xiao Qiao?
Xiao Qiao:Yep! You're just as handsome as they say!
Zhou Yu:How old are you?
Xiao Qiao:16.
Zhou Yu:(She'll grow as time goes by, I hope.)
DW5
Zhou Yu:(No, still the same, but it's just DW5, she was barely introduced.)
Xiao Qiao:*clings on to him*
DW6
Zhou Yu:(Who is the girl here? This outfit is not what I expected...AND SHE LOOKS THE DAMN SAME! She is supposed to be developed in physical and mental means by now! What the hell?)
Xiao Qiao:I like that costume you're wearing!
DW7
Zhou Yu:(I'm paler than Lian Shi's boobs! And Xiao Qiao is still 16! She doesn't even age! Damn it, Sun Quan gets married, and HE gets a hot wife!)
Xiao Qiao:*squeals* You look like that cute vampire!
DW8
Zhou Yu:I heard Sima Yi's wife is here. I wonder what she looks like, maybe looking like Xiao Qiao. I can share my pain with him.
He gets a picture of the new characters.
Zhou Yu:Lu Su...Guan babies and one Zhang baby...Hmm?
He comes across Jin's section and sees Zhang Chunhua.
Zhou Yu:*shaking, crumpling paper* No...way... THAT'S HIS WIFE?! She's an adult! Didn't she marry him a lot younger than when Xiao Qiao married me? I can't believe he gets a real women! And she's HOT! Damn it, why does Koei favor Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi over me? *gets on all fours in depressed aura* AND XIAO QIAO LOOKS THE F**KING SAME!
Problem 5:People don't age when they're SUPPOSED to
Sima Zhao, age 4
Sima Zhao:Father, how old are you?
Sima Yi:24. (According to Koei)
Sima Zhao:What about Mother?
Sima Yi:You're not supposed to ask a women about her age.
Sima Zhao, age 9
Sima Zhao:Father, why don't you have a beard?
Sima Yi:I can't have one.
Sima Zhao:You are older, right? Aren't you supposed to have one?
Sima Yi:I just can't.
Sima Zhao, age 15
Sima Zhao:(Honestly, he looks the same. He has no grey hair, and no stubble.) So, any health problems?
Sima Yi:What are you talking about? I'm healthy as I was when you and Shi were born.
Sima Zhao:(This is getting weird...)
Sima Zhao, now
Sima Zhao:Shi, I think Father and Mother are vampires.
Sima Shi:That is nonsense, if they were, won't we be already be dead?
Sima Zhao:They don't age! I'm telling you, they are vampires! They also have pale skin, cold eyes, and don't come out until it's dark. What else do you need?
Sima Shi:That last part was made-up. The first parts are slightly true. But them being vampires, not possible.
Sima Zhao:They're vampires, I stand by that. Sima Shi just rolled back his eyes.
Problem 6:Fall off a high place, you don't die(Not a problem, but unusual)
Cao Cao is standing on a cliff.
Cao Cao:Ahh, what a nice view.
Ma Chao:CAO CAO! He knocks him off the cliff with his horse.
Cao Cao:Ahhh! He lands perfectly on the ground. I should watch where I'm going...*pats himself down*
Ma Chao:*mouth wide open* What...? He did not die? He throws a temper, falls off the cliff himself. Ahhhhhh! Oh... He lands perfectly on the ground.
Cao Cao:You share my luck, too?
Ma Chao:*boils in anger*
Problem 7:Boob physics (This is what actually happened when I was watching a cutscene with any female character.)
Lian Shi is just standing with Sun Quan while he is giving a speech. Lian Shi's breasts move.
All soldiers:AHH! We saw it move!
Sun Quan:*eye twitch* All of you were staring at her...?
Jin
Wang Yuanji:We should-*boobs move*
Sima Zhao:AHH! They moved on their own!*BAM*
Zhang Chunhua:Zhao, you were staring at her chest? You know better-
Sima Yi:Ahh! Chunhua, I swear I saw yours move on their own-*POW*
Zhang Chunhua:You too...
Problem 8:Your bodyguard is stupid (Based on my experience in Ambition mode)
Zhuge Liang is running through a base with Jiang Wei.(I had Sima Yi as my bodyguard when this happened, but replaced it with Jiang Wei here.)
Zhuge Liang:...Jiang Wei?
Jiang Wei is jumping up and down on a wall of the base.
Zhuge Liang:...Jiang Wei, what are you doing?
Jiang Wei gave no response, and continues to jump up and down.
Zhuge Liang:...The boy is finished...
Problem 9:FANGIRLS
Wei
Zhang Liao:My lord, an unusual force is coming!
Cao Cao:Hurry! The fangirls are coming! Hide Cao Pi! Save yourselves! Except Xu Chu, Cao Ren, Pang De, and Xiahou Yuan.
Every male in Wei run out in disguise and hid in villages. (Zhang He too.)
Cao Cao:Ah, ready, Guo Jia?
Guo Jia:Yes,my lord.
The two run out to the fangirl army.
Cao Cao and Guo Jia:HEY LADIES! WE'RE SINGLE MEN, AND YOU KNOW YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS!
The fangirl army covers the two.
Cao Pi:*disgusted* Ughh...He LIKES the attention?...
Xiahou Dun:..Our lord is unusual...
Wu
Sun Quan:They're here! Go!
Lu Xun, Gan Ning, Sun Ce, Ling Tong, and Zhou Yu:GOGOGOGOGOGO!
They all board a ship and hid in it.
Sun Quan:Everyone! We must board the ship, or else we'll-*gulps*They're getting closer!
All the officers except Han Dang, Huang Gai, Taishi Ci, Zhou Tai, and Ding Feng boraded the ship and sailed off.
Sun Quan:Hold them off while we make our escape!
HD,HG,TC, and DF: Yes, my lord! You ladies won't touch our lords! Ahh!
They get run over by them, but manged to stall them.
Shu
Liu Bei:Hide Zhao Yun! He will be their first target! Ma Chao, Ma Dai, All Guans, Zhang Bao, Jiang Wei, go and hide in the villages in these clothes!
Guan Yu and Zhang Fei:We'll hold them off! Use that Xu Shu guy as bait!
Xu Shu:Wait..what? Ahh!
Zhang Fei throws him at the fangirls. He gets consumed by their numbers.
Zhang Fei:That oughta hold them while those guys make their escape!
Jin
Sima Zhao:Everyone, RUN!
Sima Shi:Father is not here...Don't tell me...
Zhang Chunhua:Your father left already. He looked like he saw a ghost. I'm was worried that he was going to collapse from fear.
Sima Zhao:WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING HERE? LETS GO ALREADY, SHI! DO YOU WANT THOSE GIRLS TO CATCH US?
The two brothers and the rest of Jin ran out of the building.
Elsewhere...
Sima Yi is wearing peasant clothing and a rice hat (that cone-ish hat you see people in rice patties wear) and is sitting on a bench.
Sima Yi:(I'm not going to deal with those-ugh-fangirls. Luckily, I made Fu wear my clothes. I hope my boys are okay...probably.)
Sima Zhao:*in similar clothing* Hi...
Sima Yi:Where is your brother, Yuanji, and your mother?
Sima Zhao:Brother is in the same disguise, Yuanji and Mother don't really have to worry, but are making sure not to be near us. Everyone else are hiding in buildings, haystacks, or merchant disguises.
Back at the(abandoned) building
Sima Fu:Why did Yi make me wear his clothes? That's not like him...AHH!
He is glomped by multiple fangirls.
Problem 10:Carrying all that gold
Yuan Shao is trudging through the battlefield.
Wen Chou:Are you sure you're alright?
Yuan Shao:*sweating* Yes, I am fine. No ne-AHH!
He trips and falls to the ground with a large thud.
Yuan Shao:I can't get up...Help me...
Problem 11:Carrying that large weapon
Guan Suo performs a switch attack, he gets a great sword.
Guan Suo:*grunting* How...can..you..pick...this...up..?*straining*
Guan Ping:*swings his with ease* It's all in the wrist.
Guan Suo:...I think I broke mine... He performs a switch attack. AHH! It still affects me! I can't walk properly!
Problem 12:That time of the month
Sima Zhao:Morning, Yua-*Pow*
Wang Yunaji:Not in the mood.
Sima Zhao:(Uh-oh. It's that time.)
Sima Yi:No, no, I don't need that! *gurgles*
Zhang Chunhua:*frowning, cold eyes* Drink the damn tea. It will make you feel better. She continues to pour tea into Sima Yi's mouth.
Sima Yi:(Just drink it, I don't want her punishment, especially this time now. OH GOD THIS TASTES SO AWFUL!)
Wei
Guo Jia:Hi, Wang Yi!
Wang Yi:*eyes angry* Buzz off, blondie.*glows*
Guo Jia:...Oh...ok...
Problem 13:High heels in a time they are not supposed to exist
Zhen Ji:(These are hurting my feet. How can you wear these?)
Cao Pi:Are you alright? You seem to be in pain.
Zhen Ji:These shoes are hurting my feet.
Cao Pi:I'll be happy to carry you.
Zhen Ji:No, I'm fine. (God, how can people walk in these?)
Problem 14:Your diet is meatbuns, nothing more.
Director:I have never seen these guys eat rice. Only meatbuns. Doesn't seem healthy.
Animator:Huh, now that you mention it...
Shu
Liu Bei:Are you sure there is nothing else? I'm getting sick of meatbuns. Don't we have rice?
Zhuge Liang:I don't know...That's in the supply base.
Liu Bei:I want rice, make the soldiers eat meatbuns and we eat rice.
Zhuge Liang:That-
Liu Bei:Or make me pancakes.
Zhuge Liang:What are pancakes?
Problem 15:LU BU
You know where this is going, right?
Problem 16:DONG ZHOU
This requires no elaboration.
Problem 17:Restricted vocabulary
Wei:AMBITION, LAND, CHAOS
Wu:CHAOS, LAND, FIRE, PEACE, TIGERS
Shu:BENEVIOLENCE, JUSTICE, HONOR, PEACE, DUTY, PEOPLE, MORE BENEVIOLENCE
Jin:*insert evil laughter here*, DUTY, *COUGH*, DESTINY, LAND
Other:WILL OF THE HEAVENS, CAN NO ONE PROVIDE ME WITH A DECENT CHALLENGE, GWAHAHAHA, NOBILITY, KING OF THE NAMMAN, DESCENDANT OF THE FIRE GOD
Problem 18:Using a weapon you're not supposed to use
Sima Shi:*using Pugil Sticks* (I actually tried this.)
Sima Zhao:*snickers* GAHAHA! *rolls on the floor*
Sima Yi:*using wired claws* This feels really weird...(Tried this too.)
Zhang Chunhua:*trying to hold back laugh* M-my lord, I don't think that works for you.
Cao Cao:Oh, it works for me. I'm working it! He is using wired claws nearby. (Knew someone who did this)
Guo Huai:*cough* Xiahou Ba's-AHHH! He is using the siege spear and flies all around.
Sima Shi now is using a flute. He plays a tune. (Also tried this)
Sima Zhao:Do you know where that has been?
Sima Shi immediately stops playing and throws it.
Problem 19:Koei has EVERYTHING you do, even the rated M stuff
Director:Battle, talking, battle, talking, and oh, what's this?
He rolls over on a folder saying "DO NOT OPEN."
Animator:Don't click that! That has very private info on the DW characters!
Director:What private info? They have nothing to hide, we see what they do all the time.
Animator:They're human, right? They have certain needs...you would not want to see...
Director:Sex? Phht, that's normal. Everyone needs it.
Animator:This will scar you really bad...
Director:I get free porn, that is all that matters to me.
Animator:You sicken me...Oh, well, you won't change your mind, fine. I'm leaving.
He leaves the room, leaving the director clicking on the file.
Director:Guo Jia having those twenty women at his office, we all know how that turned out...Cao Cao peeking at the women's chambers...Cao Pi getting naughty on the desk with his wife...Wang Yi splitting a horse head in half...Zhao Yun's insane party...Zhuge Liang and his wife? Let's see that.
*50 minutes later*
Director:*nosebleed*Kinky, those two. *** ****'s inventions work indeed. What else? Oh, what's this?
*1 hour later*
Director:*nosebleeding still* ...Lucky *** **** gets to play with those boobs... Gan Ning's insane party...Ling Tong's extreme party...Zhou Yu messing with himself...Hmm?
*1 hour later*
Director:How is that possible? **** ****'s like 5'6 and ** **'s 6'10. I'm surprised she did not split in half. Oh, another one.
*1 hour later*
Director:Same thing, 5'3 girl and 6'3 guy, girl does not split. Hmm? Something new.
*1 and a half hour later*
Director:*very red, nosebleeding*Whoa...too kinky...I did not know he liked to be tied and whipped...And he got to play with the boobs...I probably shouldn't mention this to ***or ****.
Animator:Had your fun? Now close that. *blushes*I don't want to see**** **'s sex life.
Director:Yeah...I'll...close it. Animator closes it for him.
Director:Why do you even have this?
Animator:CEO told us to keep EVERYTHING on them.
Problem 20:Every generic looks almost the DAMN same
Sima Zhao:Hey, uhhh...Sima Yan?
Generic:No, I'm Cao Rui.
Sima Yi:Sima Fu?
Generic:Sima Xun.
Sima Shi:Wang Ji?
Generic:I'm Wang Su.
Shu
Liu Bei:Liu Feng, right?
Generic:Zhuge Zhan.
Zhuge Liang:Fei Yi?
Generic:Fa Zheng.
Wu
Sun Quan:Uhh...Sun Ben?
Generic:Sun Chen.
Sun Ce:Ok...uhh...Sun Liang?
Generic:Sun Shao.