A/N: Hi! MizzMoris suggested that I write a parallel fic to 'Ignore!' in Mello's point of view and ever since then the idea has been hounding me so here we are, haha.
Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, if I did there would definitely be a lot more Matty, and I don't own Sony's PSP.
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Omit
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This is aggravating.
No matter how hard I try, I can't!
I can't shut him out.
He's always right there at the front of my mind no matter what I do.
I can't focus!
I wish, sometimes, I could just omit him from my life but I know I'd miss him.
Hell, I did miss him.
There's no way I could do that again.
I'm so selfish.
I wonder…
Do you know how hard it is?
How really hard it is to…
To be in love with your best friend?
Man, I've got to focus.
Focus Mello, focus!
Near and Kira are not going to slow down while you sit here and worry about your stupid infatuation!
It'll never happen.
Deal with it!
Hmm, I wonder what he's up to anyway?
Probably playing some video game, biting his lip anxiously, skillfully working his way through his game.
All the while not paying attention to the surveillance monitors.
Matt hates things that don't hold his attention.
He gets bored so easily.
That's why I feel bad dragging him into this.
He never much cared for investigating or being L but, like I said, I'm selfish.
I want him near me and that's that.
Maybe I should call and check on him?
I can't have him slacking off and missing something crucial no matter how bored he is.
Hmm.
It's ringing a lot longer than usual…
What if something happe--
Oh, wait.
"Hello?" His voice is hinted with panic.
"Anything on your end?" Wow Mello, that was nice.
"Well, hello to you to." I guess Matt agrees.
"I'm sorry." I really am but it comes out insincere. "Hi Matt! Anything on your end?"
Okay Mello, that was a bit much.
What are you trying to prove, anyway?
"Nope, not a thing, everyone's still gone."
"Damn." I sigh. "Nothing new here either."
"I'm bored." Matt declares.
"I'm tired of you whining about being bored. You sounds like a six year old."
"I can't help it Mello! I'm going to die." I roll my eyes.
Maybe he really is six.
He definitely has the attention span of a six year old.
"Why don't you play one of your stupid games?" I suggest.
"Because you kidnapped my PSP!" He whines.
I sigh roughly.
Well, the least I could do is take the thing back to him so he's doesn't 'die'.
I look around the car but the hand held console is no where in my peripheral vision so I slide my hand under the seat and sure enough the stupid thing is there.
"I see it. It fell under the passengers seat." My voice sounds pretty harsh but I'm more mad at my self than anything.
I throw my phone down on the passengers seat with Matt's PSP.
I probably should of said goodbye but, oh well.
I actually feel kind of guilty, I mean I roped Matt into all of this for my own selfish intentions.
Sure, I tell myself I called Matt that day because he's the best hacker, an all around good gunman, and an ace driver but I know in the end it's because…
I missed him, I needed him, and I love him.
I'd forced myself to forget him after I left Wammy's.
There were much more important things to worry about once L died.
Sometimes Matt would breeze across my mind.
Whenever I thought of Matt I could barely breeze
So I'd try not to think about him.
I tried to keep extremely busy.
Always focused.
I had to do it, I had to push through, and just focus.
I had to beat Near.
No matter how much I missed Matt.
Then everything came crashing down around me and…
I needed him.
I still can't deny that I need Matt's skills.
With my Mafia henchman gone Matt was definitely the only one I could trust to help me…
I also knew I needed more than his just his skills.
I needed his support and his comfort.
I needed Matt to pick up the pieces and put Mihael back together again.
Just like It was all those years ago at Wammy's.
Matt held me up back then.
No matter how many times I failed.
Matt was there for me with a smile and encouraging words.
I remember once…
I was so upset because Near had beat me on a test, by just one stupid point.
L had graded that test himself and I felt like it was the end of the world.
Matt was right there for me with a shoulder to cry on, he bad mouthed Near, and told me I'd crush him next time.
That day while I was in his arms.
I realized I loved him.
It's funny how trivial it all seems now.
Oh, I'm back at the apartment.
Man, the drive flew by.
I don't even remember driving into the parking deck.
Guess, I was too deep in thought.
I don't know what I should go do after this.
I guess I should go to that woman's apartment that works for Near.
Though I don't really want to.
I'd much rather spend time with Matt.
I enter the apartment and it's eerily quiet.
It sounds weird not to hear the annoying chirps of Matt's obsessive gaming.
Wonder where he is?
He should be in the living room watching the monitors but knowing Matt there's no telling what he's up to.
Especially since he's facing extreme boredom.
Oh, there he is.
Why does he look so startled?
Now that I think about it I guess I didn't tell him I was coming.
I reach in to my pocket and pull out his PSP, I hold it out to him, but he's got his eyes closed.
I swear, he's an idiot sometimes.
He's acting like I'm about to kill him or something.
I drop the stupid console onto his lap.
His eyes come open after a second and he clutches his PSP gleefully.
Like some girl holding a puppy.
"It's not broken!" He gushes.
"Why would it be?" I sneer slightly.
Does Matt honestly think I'd break his precious toy?
"I… dunno?" He cringes and I find myself forcing back a smile.
"I just didn't want you to 'die' or anything." I shrug slightly then turn for the door, letting the smallest smile slip.
"Thanks Mello." He says suddenly.
"Yea, yea." I grumble lightly and wave my hand dismissively.
"Where are you going?" He sounds… hopeful?
No, I shouldn't look too far into that.
This is Matt we're talking about here.
Perfectly straight Matt.
"I thought I'd check out that woman's apartment one more time. I'll have to show myself to her soon, I need that photo back."
"Oh." he sounds so crestfallen.
"Why?" I stare at him intently.
"Dunno." He shrugs.
"You do know." I harden my stare.
It's not hard to break Matt.
"Well I was thinking maybe…" He's stumbling all over his words "We could go out an hang?"
"Hang?" I laugh a little. "Are you really that bored, Matt?"
"Yes." He sounds so shy it's hard to hold back another laugh.
I owe him this much, don't I?
After all I've put him through?
We've both been working pretty hard lately.
"I guess we both deserve a break." Matt's beautiful green eyes widen in surprise. "Let me grab a shower and we'll go."
"Sweet!" He hops up off the couch much like he does when he beats a really hard level or boss in his games.
I guess that means he's really happy, right?
I hope so.
I really want him to be happy.
I'd probably feel less guilty.
Not to mention I love to see him smile.
I quickly shower, towel off, and head to our bed room.
My eyebrows raise in slight confusion when I hit the doorway and spot Matt.
He's prancing around the room.
Like a disgraceful ballerina.
"You're weird." He spins around quickly.
I swear I just saw his eyes look me completely over.
No.
I'm sure I just imagined that.
Even if I didn't I'm sure it was an accident.
Actually, he looks kind of flustered…
Dammit Mello, quit while you're ahead.
I move to grab some clothes from their spot on the floor.
I quickly zip up my vest and grab a pair of socks.
They belong to Matt's but I like wearing them.
Then it's kind of like he's always with me.
Okay that sounded really corny.
Never mind.
"I'll be ready in a second."
Hmm.
I wonder where we should go?
I wouldn't mind going dancing.
Letting lose a little.
Would Matt really like that?
I don't know if he's much into dancing.
I mean he's been to a fair amount of clubs while acting as my body guard from the side lines as I investigated.
Oh well, only one way to find out.
I offer to drive.
We're halfway to my favorite nightclub with Matt finally speaks.
"Where are we going?"
I guess I forgot to mention that to him.
Where's my head at today?
"Dancing." I answer simply, trying to catch a reaction but he just sits quietly.
He really knows how to bother me without even trying.
I pull into the parking lot.
This place is really popular so I'm not surprised to see it's already crawling with people.
I'm still more than a little annoyed that I can't find a parking place.
"Son of a bitch!" I curse after driving down the fifth row of cars.
I look over at Matt and it looks like he's suppressing a smile.
I really wish I'd stop imaging these things.
As if I wasn't distracted enough.
Now I'm hallucinating.
There's a space!
About time.
I swing the car roughly into the space and get out of the car.
It takes me a moment to notice Matt's not at my side.
"Matt." I stop walking and glance over my shoulder quickly. "We're here together this time."
To bad we can't really be here together.
"Right." He says with a weak laugh.
I start walking again once Matt's caught up with me.
I've been to this place a few times and apparently the bouncer remembers my face because he doesn't give me or Matt a bit of trouble at the door.
I can see the flashing lights before we even hit the main room.
Good thing I'm not an epileptic.
It's really hot in here.
I look around and spot a table off towards the side.
I walk towards it and hop up on the seat.
"Go get us drinks." I say a little more harsher than I intended to.
"You got it, boss." I watch him walk across the dance floor, taking in the view.
He really is beautiful.
"Hey." The gruff voice destroys my daydreaming about Matt.
I turn my head quickly with my guard up.
"What?" I ask to the tall well-built man leaning on the table.
"Can I buy you a drink?" He flashes a half-drunken smile.
"No." I say firmly.
"Playing hard to get, are we?" he purrs. "You should come home with me tonight, you won't be disappointed."
I lean forward, letting my face be half seductive so he'll be drawn closer.
"I'm not interested and if you know what's good for you you'll get out of here before my boyfriend shows back up."
The guy sort of stumbles back.
Please walk away.
I don't feel like getting in a fight tonight.
The guy staggers away, good.
Oh, Matt's back.
He's standing there with a sort of blank look on his face.
I'd give anything to know what was going through his mind.
I give him a pretty nasty look and he's over at my side in an instant.
I snatch the drink from his hand and move to take a sip.
"Who was that?" Matt asks.
"I don't know." I answer honestly, downing a large portion of my drink. Matt takes a seat beside me. "Some dude wanting to take me home."
I can tell Matt's watching me intensely through his goggles.
"Oh." He answers quietly.
That doesn't tell me anything Matt.
Oh, good?
Oh, no?
Oh, okay?
"I told him no and if he knew what was good for him he'd be gone before my big bad boyfriend showed up." I say with a casual laugh, finishing off my drink.
Matt doesn't say anything else but he looks kind of thoughtful.
Too bad I don't know what's going on inside that head of his.
Hell, he's probably day dreaming about one of his games.
Not at all interested in me.
I pull his drink out of his hands, hoping to jar his attention back to me for whatever selfish reason.
I take a sip of his drink and it's all coke.
If I'm going to get rid of these hallucinations I need the hard stuff.
"Oh you're not drinking." My face twitches slightly "Guess I'll go get a refill."
I jump down and cut across the center of the dance floor.
I walk with my head held high so it's hard to miss all the heads turning in my direction.
Too bad Matt's isn't one of them.
Oh well, enough with that.
I should just be glad I have him at all.
Just friends has got to be okay.
I order something or other with lots of liquor at the bar and head back across the dance floor.
I wonder if maybe Matt would dance with me?
That's not too odd of request is it?
"Let's dance." I say holding out my hand the second I reach the table.
I probably should have worded that differently because Matt's glancing back and forth between my face and my hand.
I guess it is an odd request now that I think about it, considering Matt is so obviously straight.
He thinks that Misa-Misa girl is 'awfully cute' and he goes on and on about those stupid scantily-clad girls in his games.
Matt's never show a single sign that he was interested in guys.
Smart move Mello, no wonder Near's number one.
"What? You don't want to dance with a guy?" I start to retract my hand and try my hardest not to let my disappointment show.
Seriously, should I of expected anymore?
Whoa, Matt just grabbed a hold of my hand.
My whole body's tingling.
"Let's dance." He says with a wide smile.
I have to say that I'm surprised…
I hope he isn't just doing this to please me.
I know how Matt can be.
I try to smile back and it ends up a lot smaller compared to how I really feel.
I set my drink down and lead him out onto the dance floor.
I take a risk and place my hands on his hips.
Might as well take full advantage of the situation.
I can tell Matt's not to sure where to put his hands, he didn't seem like much of a dancer…
Well, with guys anyway, I guess it is different dancing with girls.
I take one of his hands and his other one drops instantly against my shoulder and he seems to relax a little.
Actaully, Matt's pretty good at this.
I take advantage of the situation to give Matt a good look over since he seems preoccupied with other thoughts.
I'm not sure where his vest has gotten off to, I guess he'd taken it off when I went and got drinks, it's definitely hot enough for him to do without it.
The sleeves of his long sleeved black and white striped shirt are pushed up to his elbows.
That shirt grips his chest just right, I swear.
He's gorgeous.
I stare up at his eyes but his gaze is distant.
So I take a gamble and close the gap between us, resting my arms around his shoulders, and just taking in his scent.
I wish it could be like this all the time.
Just me and him.
Together.
I really shouldn't influence my thoughts like this.
I'll disillusion myself further.
I can't let my self get any more distracted.
Well…
It's just one night.
Tomorrow things will go back to normal right?
Can't I allow myself just one night?
Let my desire take over, forget my goals for just a moment?
I'm staring Matt right in the eyes.
We've all but stopped moving.
I tug his goggles down to rest around his neck.
Even in the dark his eyes are still a vivid green.
My eyes fall half closed and I'm moving dangerously close to him.
He's not pulling away.
He doesn't look disgusted.
Maybe…
Just maybe…
No!
No.
I can't let this happen.
It could ruin everything.
I can't be selfish anymore.
I turn away from Matt and tear through the crowd.
I need to get away from him, now.
I can't believe I was about to kiss him.
Seriously.
What's wrong with me?
I stare in the mirror at the bathroom.
I don't even remember coming here.
Matt doesn't like me.
I have to accept this.
From here on out my main goal is fighting Kira.
Beating Near.
Nothing else matters.
I can't let myself be held back by hopeless dreams anymore.
They were always hopeless I should have pushed them away when I had the chance.
I probably should have never called Matt.
Just left him at peace.
Now he'll never be happy and it's all my fault.
God, I'm so selfish.
"Mel…" I feel myself jump.
Typical Matt, he can't let anything alone.
"Matt." I can't steady my voice. "I…"
I shake my head and stare back at my reflection.
I'm a coward, I really am.
I know I need to apologize to him and set things straight but it's so hard to find the words.
"I shouldn't have done that." Our eyes lock and I can't read Matt's at all.
"You didn't do anything…"
"I promised myself, Matt." It's so hard to speak. "I swore I wouldn't let…"
I look down and I can hear Matt stepping closer.
Please Matt, don't…
"You wouldn't… what?" He's trying to lead the words out of my mouth,
"That I wouldn't let my feelings for you interfere with my work! I thought there were gone Matt, I really did, until we met up again. Now I realize I'd just hidden them away so missing you wouldn't be so bad but--"
Dammit.
I've said way too much.
Matt doesn't speak and there's no way I can look at him to gauge a reaction.
I'll just let my head hang in shame.
"I'm supposed to be focused on catching Kira, avenging L, and beating Near… not on my unrequited feelings for my best friend." I scowl lightly in the mirror at punch the sink with my right hand.
He's still silent but it doesn't matter,
The damage is done.
I knew I should have left it alone.
Why didn't I quit why I was ahead?
Indulging myself helped me succeed nothing.
"What make's you think they're unrequited?" His words startle me.
Matt…?
"Don't toy with me." I hiss viciously "It's me. Nothing ever goes right in my life."
"Seriously, Mel." He's so close now, his face inches from mine. I think my hearts going to explode. "Quit being so hard on yourself."
That's…
That's easy for him to say.
I can't let him do this.
"Mail, wait--" My voice is loosing the battle against what my heart desires.
"Shut up, Mihael." He murmurs softly. "and let something go right."
He kisses me and I think my brain has ceased functioning.
I can taste the nicotine and menthol and his breath.
I just hope he didn't do this because…
"Matt…" I say after catching my breath for a moment.
"Yea?" It looks like he's studying my face.
"You didn't just do that because… I mean, uh. You really do--"
"Yes Mello!" He declares with a laugh, apparently understanding my thoughts. "I really have feelings for you."
"Oh. Okay, well… good." he laughs harder after catching a look at my face.
"Shut up, Mail!" I can feel myself blush slightly and I shove him against the wall.
I don't like being embarrassed.
"Make me." He gasps.
He's practically crying he was laughing so hard.
Make you, huh?
Oh you asked for it.
I kiss him gently and suddenly all feels right in my world.
I feel safe here with Matt, sort of like I can handle anything.
Maybe this really is how it's meant to be.
Perhaps it's the key to my success.
I know I'd fail without him by me…
So who knows?
Even if in the end I do fail…
As long as Matt's there…
What else really matters?
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