"Truth or Dare."
Holder watched as Linden's whole body jerked and she twisted over to look at him, confusion clouding her eyes. "What?"
"Truth or dare," he repeated, enjoying the way his random request has flustered her.
"No." she answered firmly, turning away again to look out the window.
She'd been back for two weeks. Two long, semi-confusing weeks where he could hug her, and tease her, and talk to her, and they would sit on the couch, almost touching, and she would insist that they watch whatever he wanted, but that's was all they would do. Well, once he had insisted that she choose the program, and so they watched Downton Abbey – so not what he had ever pictured Linden watching but now he maybe might be hooked too. Not that he'd ever admit that out loud.
Except tonight, instead of almost-cuddling on the couch and teasing her about her tv habits in the nice, warm comfort of his apartment, they were sitting in his car in the rain, staking out Jose's old dealer, because he was pretty sure the kid had fallen off the wagon again. And Holder was bored. And maybe even feeling a bit of a craving for crystal, like he always did when he had to venture into his old world. He needed a distraction. And he couldn't even fiddle with anything because Linden was in the driver's seat. Naturally.
"C'mon," he wheedled, looking around for anything to help alleviate the boredom and the craving and the discomfiture. He'd already eaten his pork rinds – and not in peace either, mind you. Nope, Linden had nagged him about his supposedly selective veganism and wrinkled her nose in disgust as he crunched pointedly through a rind. Woman didn't understand good junk food.
And now, she was ignoring him.
He'd never been very good with stakeouts – he'd get bored, and then he'd get jittery. But it was worse tonight. It was like he didn't know how to deal with Linden being there. He loved having her with him, loved her for coming back, but he wasn't sure in what capacity she was stickin' around. Like… he could make her laugh, and they would talk – but mostly he would talk and she would listen. And it wasn't about anything serious. And if Kalia was with him, she went to Regi's. And, worst of all, she slept on the couch.
It was like they were… roommates. Friends. Or siblings. Or some fucked up thing.
He was scared to try to kiss her. And he had no idea what to do with that.
"Truth or dare is a high school game. And I swear it's half the reason girls end up pregnant." Linden's words jolted him out of his confusion about what to do about her.
It took a second for what she said to register. "Whhhaaaattt?" It was too good to pass up. "Is that how Jack became Jack?"
"What? No! Fuck."
"Well, then. Truth or dare," he demanded. "C'mon, Linden. Let's pass some time in this stank-ass car you said was our home."
She was silent for a long minute, before finally letting out an aggrieved sigh. "Fine. Dare."
"Geez woman, it's not like I'm gonna ask you to walk the plank," he rolled his eyes, then pretended to think. "Oooh. See those boys out there? Cat-call at them."
"What?! No!" she laughed. "You're certifiable."
"I'm a certifiable good time," he agreed cheerfully, "Now do it. You picked dare, you gotta follow through."
"NO way. You do it."
"I didn't pick dare. You did. You gotta, Linden, or else you forfeit." He knew that she had a competitive streak, and forfeiting wasn't gonna sit well. And he was right. She practically growled at him as she rolled the window down, let out a quick whistle, then rolled it back up quickly as she slouched low in the driver's seat.
"Atta girl!" he praised, grinning. He couldn't quite believe she'd actually done it. "Gonna loosen you up yet! My turn. I pick Truth."
"Why are we playing this game?"
"That's your question?" he asked, then answered before she could reconsider. "Because we gotta do something to pass the time, and it seems less grade-school than I-Spy."
"I spy with my little eye someone who might be walking home," she groused and his face hurt from how wide it made him grin.
"Linden, Linden, Linden, falling back to your old moves? You don't got any new ones?"
"Oh, I've got moves."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Wouldn't you like to know."
She always got grumpy when she felt unbalanced and he kind of loved it. It was just so fun to get a harmless rise out of her, even now. "Only one way to find out. Truth or dare?"
"Neither."
"Nope. Not an option."
"Truth, I guess," she finally answered grudgingly.
"Ooooh, TRUTH! Gotta admit, didn't think you had that in you. Since it involves talking, and all," he teased, making her scowl. The street lights were just bright enough for him to see and enjoy it. "Let's see, what do I wanna know about Sarah Linden…." He paused for effect, watching her squirm slightly out of the corner of his eyes and enjoying her unease.
Finally, he nodded. "How about… what kinda things have you done for work, these past few years."
He was letting her off easy, and he caught a flash of surprise in her expression before she shrugged. "This and that. Did some work for a PI in Chicago for a while. Then, different things. Sometimes security, sometimes just whatever I could get. Tollbooths. Traffic monitoring," she paused, "Bartending…but that didn't last long. Seriously, you wasted your question on that?"
He chuckled. "I can just see you bartending. For about 2 seconds." His teasing words were rewarded when she choked back a giggle and socked him, gently, on the shoulder. "Anyways," he continued, "that was just the warmup."
"Great," she muttered, and then he saw her eyes narrow in the dim interior of the car. "Truth or Dare."
"Truth."
She leaned back a bit and let out a slow breath, but she didn't ask a question. "C'mon, Linden," he prodded, "ask me anything. I'm an open book."
"You are that," he could literally feel her roll her eyes at him, "so much so that you've already volunteered everything. No questions left."
"You don't know everything," he argued. "Ask me something."
"How're things with Liz?" she finally asked, a moment later.
A serious question. He considered it for a minute before answering. "They're alright. Better now, with Kalia here. It's like… she sees that I'm not screwin' everything up anymore. That I can do something right. Or something." He picked at some skin around his finger nail. He didn't really know how to explain it, without looking like a fool.
"Well, she should have seen it sooner." At Linden's firm voice, her no-nonsense statement, he jerked his head up. It was one of the things he loved about her – her defense of him.
"Truth or dare," he challenged.
She let out another aggrieved sigh that made his chest swell up. He loved getting reactions out of her, and this game meant he was gonna get tons of them. "Truth."
"How old are you?" A burning question he'd always wondered about.
"No."
"Come ON, Linden. You gotta answer whatever I ask. It's the rules. Plus, if we're gonna be roomies I at least gotta know what number to put on your birthday cake," he wheedled.
"I swear to God, Holder, if you put 39 on a cake you're gonna wear it," she threatened darkly.
"Thirty-Nine!" he crowed, "No way. I thought you were at least, like, forty-two."
"WHAT?!"
Before he knew what was happening she'd socked him on the shoulder again, and this time she wasn't joking. He let out an involuntary grunt, rubbing the spot she'd nailed. Her small little fist could pack a hard punch. "Geez, woman," he muttered. He was going to make a smartass comment, except she shifted a bit and the light played differently across her face and he saw a thread of what looked a lot like hurt in her eyes. " Hey…I was just sayin', I mean, Jack's, like, twenty now, right? So I just thought you were a real young lookin' 40 or 42 or somethin'."
"I was eighteen when Jack was born," she supplied her voice quiet and dull.
That took him by surprise. "You were just a kid yourself." He'd kinda thought she'd married the deadbeat, had Jack, and then the douchenugget had split.
"I don't regret it," her voice was sharp. "I don't regret Jack."
"Course you don't. Only a fool would regret little man, and you are no fool." He rubbed his shoulder again, willing the smarting ache to go away. "You probably left a bruise, Linden."
"I'm not sorry," she informed him mildly, her shoulders relaxing back against the seat again.
"Of course not," He pretended to be annoyed for a minute, before rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "So now the burning question is… when do I need to have to have this cake with the 39 on it ready."
"November 6th," she sighed. "No cake or you're a dead man. Truth or Dare," she added quickly, as if she wanted this line of questioning to be over.
"Truth."
"What's the point of the whole Vegan thing, when you only stick to it about half the time?"
"Just keepin' ya on your toes," he drawled.
"Seriously."
"Seriously!" he grinned. "Nah… well, partly. For a while it was something I could control, ya know? And now, it's just part of my lifestyle. But I have cheat days. Because I can't quite give up delicious ham, bacon, and sausage. Sometimes chicken."
"And pork rinds," she supplied dryly, her tone telling him how absurd she thought he was.
"Pork rinds aren't meat," he reminded her.
"Pork rinds aren't food."
"Someday, Linden. Someday you'll see the light about pork rinds. Truth or dare."
"Oh yeah, like I'd pick dare again with you making them up. Truth."
He pretended to take a minute to think of his question, but really, he knew what he wanted to know. Because now he was wondering.. "Why'd the deadbeat leave?"
She visibly jerked back against the seat, and spun towards him, her eyes narrow. "NO."
"Quit sayin' no. You picked truth, you gotta answer."
"New rule. You have to answer whatever questions you ask, too."
"That is not a truth or dare rule."
"It is now or I'm not playing," she crossed her arms, challenging him.
"Whatcha scared of, Linden? I ain't gonna think different of you. No matter what."
She didn't respond, just stared him down. The street lights played across her face and he could see the wariness in her eyes. "Ok. Anything I ask you I'll answer too," he agreed. He wasn't gonna push his luck, and he wanted to keep playing. "I'll even go back to your last question. I'm 34, and my birthday is March 17th. Saint Paddy's day."
She didn't say anything for a long while, and the silence was filled with tension. Just as he was about to give her a pass, she exhaled hard. "I don't know. I guess for the same reasons everyone does. It's just what people do."
"Not me." He reminded her softly. "I'm right here. Always was."
At that, she offered him her twisted little smile that he loved so much. "You were. Your turn. Why'd you and Caroline split."
"You didn't give me a real answer," he reminded her. But she stayed silent, and then turned her head to look out the window, away from him. He wondered if he should backtrack and find another question. He didn't want to drive her away.
"Greg was 19," she started before he could say anything. "And 19 year olds want sex. I wanted Greg to stay. So… Then Jack happened. So we got married. Then Greg decided that even though he enjoyed doing the things that created the family, the work of actually having a family wasn't what he had wanted to sign up for. He was 'too young.' So he signed out."
"He was a fucking fool," he said harshly, indignation on behalf of Linden's younger self filtering in, even though he wasn't sure there was any reason for it, now. Except no wonder she thought everyone would leave her. She turned her head sharply, looking at him again. He took a breath, tamping his annoyance down. "Well, maybe I'm glad he was. After all, if he wasn't, we wouldn't be here now."
"And you wouldn't be torturing me," she pointed out.
"Oh c'mon, you like it. Mostly."
"Caroline?" she reminded him.
"Right. Caroline. She's the one who left." He let out a breath before continuing, "She hadn't realized what living with a junkie was like."
"Junkie?"
"Well, ex-junkie. But pretty new on the ex. I mean, you know that I… fell off… for a couple days. During the Stansbury case. It was bad, for a good year after. She didn't know what to do when I got jittery, and she couldn't handle seeing it. She figured I should just, like, flip a switch and stop it. She just didn't understand, you know? She'd never really seen it up close. She thought it was a case of mind over matter. She didn't understand that there's more to it. That mind over matter is part of what keeps a person clean, but that it doesn't make the hard stuff all go away."
"So she just gave up?" The anger in her voice on his behalf warmed him a bit.
"Something like that."
"Well, she can't think you're still a junkie. I mean, you have joint custody and all. She wouldn't be okay with that if she thought you were using."
"Nah. She knows I'm not using. It's just easier for her to not see the jittery times."
"I didn't get the impression that she was that shallow."
He let out a breath. "Nah. She's not. There was more than that. She…Well… she maybe thought that you and I had… you know."
"What? Why would she think that?"
He hunched his shoulders up to his ears, his eyes locked on his knees. He hadn't counted on this when he'd asked the question. Or agreed to answer about himself, too. He did not want to lie to Linden, not ever, but he also didn't want to remind her of back then.
"Holder."
"After…everything. I was… tryin' to save you, and tryin' to save me, and… failing. Reddick was on my ass and Caroline had this ultrasound and there was this BABY … and I was a mess, coming down from a high – she didn't know that – and… I dunno, Linden. She knew something was wrong and I had to tell her something. She asked. So… I told her that something bad happened and that I had to make a choice. Between me and you," he poked at her shoulder, still not looking at her. He could feel her eyes burning into him.
"Thing is," he continued in a panic, before she could possibly conclude that he was gonna pick himself, "I was gonna choose you. I knew I was. There wasn't even a choice –"
"There's always a choice."
"No. There wasn't. It was you. Always you. And I knew it was gonna damn me, and Caroline, and the baby. And then," he continued a moment later when she didn't seem inclined to fill the uncomfortable silence, "and then you went to Reddick and lied for me and all I could think is that I was gonna be spending the next 20 years visiting you in a prison cell and wouldn't Caroline love THAT...and then they… well… you know."
"Yeah."
"And then you left. And it was like I failed. I couldn't help you. I couldn't save you. Not from yourself. And Caroline and I got married, but I couldn't tell her the truth, so I let her keep thinking…and between that and the junkie thing and her not understanding, well…."
"Nobody could save me, Holder. And Caroline should have tried harder," she said, as if it was simple. Even though it was anything but. Then she blew out a breath. "Truth or dare."
"Dare." Time to mix things up, he thought. Let her find something to dare him to do.
She pursed her lips, thought a minute. He waited, anxious to see what she'd come up with. Then, she was rooting through his pile of CDs until she came up with one. "I'm going to put this on. You're going to get out on the hood of the car and karaoke. And dance."
One more thing he loved about this woman – she didn't go easy on him. And it was only with her that he could go from serious and raw to laughing in thirty seconds. "Can't."
"You have to. I dared you. It isn't even hardly raining anymore."
"And some other night we can take this beat up piece of crap to the middle of the ritziest neighborhood in Seattle if you want, and I'll even do it to Justin Bieber," because honestly, he'd do absolutely anything to make Sarah Linden smile, "but right now, we're supposed to be keeping a low profile. Jose sees me dancing on this car and he'll bolt before we can stage our little intervention."
She blew out a breath. "Fine. You can take a raincheck. But you're doing it. You promised."
"I always keep my promises, girl. Truth or dare."
"No way! You need another dare, you reneged!"
"No, I rainchecked. If I gotta do it later, it's my dare still. Your turn. Truth or dare."
She sat silent. Waiting.
"Ok then," he said a minute later, "I'll take a new dare but then I don't gotta dance on the car later. Right?"
"Fine," she huffed. "Truth."
He laughed. "You really didn't like catcalling those boys, did you? – that's not my question by the way."
"They were, like, twelve! I felt like a pedophile. Ask your damned question."
He chuckled at her indignation for a minute, then looked at her. She was turned towards him, holding herself very still. He thought she was barely breathing, still a bit worried about what he might ask.
This time, though, he was going to ask the question that burned hottest on his mind, these last two weeks. He needed to know. He was so off balance, not knowing why she came back, what she wanted, or expected, out of the relationship. But he was too scared to ask, too scared that the answer wouldn't be what he wanted.
His voice was soft, quiet. But he hoped she couldn't detect his hesitation in asking. "Why'd you come back? Why'd you decide to stay?"
He watched her, intent on her answer – not just her words, but her expressions that would tell him the things she wouldn't say. "I… You asked. You asked me to."
"I did. Meant it, too. But you left. And then came back. Why?"
"I… I wanted… after everything, I had to leave Seattle. It was…I just couldn't be here. And I didn't think I could ever come back. But you're here. And you're the closest thing to a home I've ever had."
"I am your home. You said so," he reminded her. His heart was pounding, and he was suddenly antsy, waiting for her to give him something. He'd never been so desperate for an answer before.
"Yes. And I wanted that. And I realized, after I left earlier that day, that as much as being in Seattle again scares me…. Terrifies me… life without you in it is worse. And I thought… if anyone could keep the dead away, it's Holder."
It was a good thing he'd been sitting down, or else he'd have been on the floor. The fact that she thought that he could protect her from all of those demons was incredible. She trusted him, he realized. One hundred percent. "The dead ain't ever gonna get to you again," he promised, even knowing how foolhardy it was to make a promise that he may not have the power to keep.
"I just wanted to be home. With you," she admitted, and then her whole body shuddered and she let out a shaky breath. "Truth or dare."
"You are. Truth."
She exhaled again, as if steeling herself. "Why'd you ask me to stay?"
That was easy. "Because. Everything's better when I'm with you."
He barely heard her whispered "Oh." He could practically feel her nerves rattling around the car, so he poked her gently in the arm. "Your turn. Truth or dare."
"I…" she let out another breath, "I don't think I have another answer like that in me."
He understood. It was scary, being real. And Linden didn't much like sharing all that stuff she held so closely to herself anyways. When he'd started this he'd thought that they'd poke around, tease… but it was also a good chance to find a few things out. Just he probably had to go slower… he couldn't rub her raw all in one night. "Your answers are always safe with me, Linden. I'll protect you. But you could pick dare. I even promise not to make you catcall anyone again. Or do anything crazy outside the car. Promise. "
"Okay," her tone went skeptical and he caught her one raised eyebrow. "Fine. Dare."
"I dare you not to duck," he whispered.
"What? What kind of dare is that?"
"Don't duck," he repeated. He didn't let himself think about it, he just slid a hand around to the back of her neck. Carefully he pulled her forward, moving towards her until they were nose to nose. Her eyes went wide, confusion flitting through them before they filled with awareness. So he did it. He leaned forward and let his lips brush against hers. Her whole body tensed at the first touch of their lips, and then relaxed when he went back in for a second pass. He kneaded his fingers against the back of her neck, massaging gently as he brought his free hand up to frame her face, his thumb softly brushing against her cheekbone.
Her skin twitched under his fingertips when his tongue traced the contours of her lips. "Sarah," he whispered against her mouth. Her first name, because it felt right. She let out a little huff of air and her lips parted at just the right moment for his tongue to slide into her mouth and brush against hers without his even trying. She tasted sweet, with a hint of mint from the gum she still chewed compulsively.
She wasn't quite reciprocating, and doubt trickled in. He didn't want to push it. Fear that she would run outweighed his desire to take things further, so he started to pull back, just a bit. Until she made a sound that was suspiciously whimper-like and her tongue snaked forward to find his.
It was all the invitation he needed. He deepened the kiss and let his tongue tangle with hers. He was lost. All he could feel was her mouth on his, her tongue melding with his. All he could hear was the puff of her breath. All he could smell was her. And all he wanted in the world was to get her closer, closer. He groaned into her mouth as he shifted, trying to pull her in as close as possible, preferably into his lap.
Abruptly, she pulled away. The loss of her was keen, and brought an immediate sense of having fucked something up.
"Holder – who's that?"
"Huh?" He couldn't process what went wrong, just stared at her, searching.
"On the sidewalk, look." And then she was reaching out, framing his face, and turning his head for him.
"Oh shit. Jose. That's him. How'd you-"
"Saw something move. Go get him." She let go of his face, letting her fingers trail down his cheek as she did. Her touch scalded.
"I'm…" he started, then trailed off as he caught a hint of yearning in her eyes. Maybe he wouldn't apologize for kissing her just yet.
Instead, he unfolded his lanky frame from the car and stepped away, hollering. "Hey! Jose! C'mere, my man!" Unfortunately, Jose looked poised to run. "Don't bother runnin' – you might be younger but my legs are longer!"
He watched as the youth's shoulders slumped, defeated.
He was keenly aware of Linden's eyes on him as he spoke to Jose, trying to ferret out what the kid was doing here, why he was giving up. He'd always been kind of shy, hanging back in the class, and Holder wasn't sure if that's because he really wasn't interesting in getting clean or if he was just not real social. He'd always thought the latter, but now, he wasn't so sure.
"You don't know what this stuff is like." Jose shoved a good 10 grams of crystal in his face, defiant.
He took the bag carefully, turning it in his hand, kneading it with his fingers. "I do, though. I know exactly. She makes you love her, need her. Need her more than anything else in the world. But she don't give you anything, she just takes. Takes your health, your family. Your future . You get me, Jose? She'll take everything away, until she takes your breath, your life. Unless," he paused, wanting to make sure Jose was really listening. "Unless you don't let her."
"Like that's easy."
"It's not. And the wanting her? The needing her?" he lifted the bag up to his face, staring into it. "It never goes away." It was there, right now. Even with everything good in his world, the white crystals were practically singing in his hands.
"So it's impossible."
"No. you just gotta be stronger than it. It's not easy, but it's possible. I'm proof." Folding the baggie in his hand, Holder slung his other arm across Jose's shoulders and turned towards the car. "C'mon, let's split."
He'd barely got the car door shut when Linden's hand touched his arm, searing it, jolting heat through his body. He turned and met her searching gaze. She didn't say anything, just held out her hand, waiting until he had placed the baggie in it. She slid it into her left jacket pocket, turned the key in the ignition, then glanced back at Jose. "Seatbelt," she told the boy, and that one softly spoken word told Holder everything he needed to know. She was there. With him on this. And he was so goddamned in love with her for it he didn't know what to do.
He was so wrapped up in his thoughts about Linden that he didn't realize she was driving in the opposite direction of Jose's halfway house. She seemed to know where she was going, though, and he thought maybe just driving around for a bit would be good for Jose, and for him. So he sat back and let himself think about Linden, about that kiss. He was so distracted by it that he wasn't even really paying attention to where they were going, until she was turning towards the Biltmore Pier.
"Sarah?"
She didn't answer, just reached out and squeezed his arm. She didn't initiate contact very often, so he placed his hand over hers to hold it there for a minute. And then she was pulling up to the pier, sliding her hand out from under his, and putting the car into park. "Wait here," she murmured.
Maybe it was the way the truth questions had turned to pieces of serious conversation. Or maybe it was the night. Or maybe it was just what it was like, being with Linden again. But watching her lean over the bridge and slowly empty that little baggie into the water made his chest so tight that he literally couldn't catch a breath. He finally forced air into his lungs as she let go of the empty baggie and it fluttered down, out of sight, into the water below. That water held so many secrets – the night she found him walking in traffic, the gun Pastor Mike had held to her head, and now, this. Past things they had overcome, buried deep in the waters of the Sound where they couldn't hurt them again.
It was fitting, he realized. And of course, Linden knew that. And when she got back into the car and caught his eye, all he could see was empathy. He needed to thank her. But the words were stuck in his throat.
So, he did the only thing he could at the moment – he turned to Jose. "We're gonna take you home."
"But on the way, we're stopping in at the docks," Linden informed them firmly.
"Why?" Jose spoke up from the back, his voice hesitant. Maybe he was scared of what Linden was gonna dish out to them. The kid probably should be.
"There's a big party tonight, and Holder's the entertainment."
"I am?"
"You ah-are," she sing-songed. "You owe me that dare. Jose, do you have any Bieber?"
"No, but I can get some if it means I get to watch," Jose busied himself downloading something on his phone.
"I should renege," he grumbled as she drove.
"You can't. You promised. You always keep your promises."
And fuck if she wasn't right. So that was how he found himself standing on the hood of his beat up Oldsmobile, making a total raving fool out of himself to Justin Bieber singing some kind of fucked up latin-english duet in the cold drizzle, a crowd of boaters surrounding him, Linden standing just to the side of the car with Regi, grinning like a hyena. Regi was laughing, with an arm over Linden's shoulders and Linden's smile was so big it lit up her whole face. She'd never been more beautiful.
So, since he wanted to keep that smile there, even see if it could be bigger, he even ramped it up and danced his ass off. Just for her. Only for her. And he figured out one word – 'Despacito' and sang it every time it came up. Straight at her. Horribly off key because he couldn't hold a tune to save his life. Falling all over himself, shaking his booty, serenading this group of strangers while Jose, the ratfink, video'd it. For her.
This must be what it was like to be a fool in love.
When he finished, the light in Linden's eyes was so bright it could blind him, and the group of twenty-five or so people were going wild. He wasn't sure if they were encoring to be polite, or because he was just that entertaining - in a horrible kinda way.
He offered everyone a grand bow, and then jumped off the car, putting an extra swagger in his step as he approached Linden. "I better find myself an agent pronto, huh?" he waggled his eyebrows at her.
"Shit," she groaned. "You did not need any help in the ego department." But she was laughing still, so he didn't take it personal.
"We should get Jose home, hmmm? Before we all catch cold," he suggested, then turned to Regi. "Nice seein' ya."
Regi lifted a hand as he tried to swipe the keys from Linden. Unfortunately she was way too quick, like a little cat, and she danced away laughing and he was relegated to the passenger seat. Again. "One of these days," he sighed as she pulled out. She ignored him, silent now. But she was still grinning and he was pretty sure she was giggling on the inside and makin' plans for those videos she had Jose take.
Sure enough, when the pulled up to Jose's halfway house, she twisted in her seat. "I want a copy of the video," she told him. And then Jose was gettin' her number and her phone was dinging as the video came through and he realized that that was one dare he would never, ever get to live down.
"Hey-" Linden called again as Jose went to shut the car door. "If you're struggling, if you need help – you call. If anyone can help you get past this, and help you figure out how to find a better life… it's Holder."
Jose nodded, then trudged up the walk to the door. Linden didn't say anything else but she waited until he was safely inside the building before putting the car back into gear. Holder couldn't say anything – his throat was swollen shut and his heart six sizes too big. But when he reached out and slipped her hand into his, she let him.
As he thought back over the evening, he figured things were finally on the right track. Linden was grabbing a shower, and then so would he, and then they'd crawl into bed – together this time. After all, she had let him kiss her, even kissed him back. She held his hand. She laughed at him with her whole face lit up like a beacon of light. Surely they'd at least graduated to sharing his bed.
Except when he got out of the shower, she was just finishing making her bed on the couch.
"Hey," he said softly, walking over to stand in front of her. She looked up and offered him a small smile, her eyes questioning. He wanted to ask her. But he didn't want to hear the wrong answer. And god, he didn't want her to run. Maybe he'd pushed it far enough already tonight. But maybe he'd try, and just make sure she had an out. "Close your eyes," he requested.
"That again?" her words came out garbled by an uncomfortable little giggle.
"Or don't. Up to you." He looked down at her, watched as her eyes widened, and her breath hitched. He was literally watching the worry and the fear and the nerves crease her face. And he did not want to push it too far.
He bit back a sigh along with all of the disappointment and yearning, leaned down, and kissed her on the cheek. That, at least, was more than he'd done before. "Night," he told her softly, then turned to head to his room, her answering "Goodnight, Holder" following being him. Just like every night, he left the door open – the only invitation he could think of.
And just like every night, he climbed in and rested on his side, facing the door. Facing her. He didn't know how to ask for that next step without risking pushing her away. Somehow he had to ask while making her understand that if the answer is no, that's ok. That he'll still be here. But he didn't know how. He wished he wasn't so terrible at these things. And naturally, it was worse with Linden because he was starting to think that, 1-900 or not, she sucked pretty bad at this pansy assed high school shit too.
Speak of the devil, he thought, as her shadow darkened the doorway. She stopped and just stood there, square in the middle of the doorway, watching him with her hands at her sides. She looked uncomfortable. "Whaddup, Linden?"
She didn't answer right away. Just as he started to worry that something was wrong, she spoke up, her voice so soft he could barely hear her. "Truth or dare?"
"What? Thought you didn't want to play that game?" He pushed himself up on one elbow and clicked the bedside lamp on. "You got a question, Linden, you can just ask it, if you want. You can ask me anything. Anytime."
She shook her head, almost imperceptibly, before waiting in silence. She was waiting for him to pick, he realized.
"Well, I guess if you insist…" he grinned at her. "I pick dare. Whatcha got for me?"
"I dare you to… to…" she took a breath that was so shaky and uncertain that he could hear its unsteadiness from clear across the room. And that was saying something because he could barely hear her talk right now.
"To what?" he asked. Whatever it was, she was worried about it. And it was important to her.
"To…" she took another breath, and then her words came out on a rush of air. "Tofinishwhatyoustartedinthecar."
It took a long minute for what she had just said to sink in. Hell yes, if this was her way of offering herself to him, he was damned well gonna take it.
He flipped the covers back and then reached his arm out towards her. "Get in here."
It fascinated him, the way most of the tension left her body as she started forward into the room. But the closer she got to the bed, the more hesitant her steps became. Still, she kept coming and then she was standing at the edge, staring down at him, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
He was proud of her, and he knew that taking these steps was hard for her. So, he helped her out. He reached out and tugged, toppling her into the bed, right beside him. Right where he wanted her to be. She let out a surprised little laugh that turned nervous as he brushed some hair back behind her ear and tried to draw her closer. He could see where her pulse leapt against her throat. And he was pretty sure it wasn't because she was turned on.
He didn't want to, but he knew he had to offer her an out. "We don't have to do this, you know. If you just wanna sleep on my couch forever you can. I'll still be here."
"Well, if you don't want to," her voice was stiff, and she tried to pull away.
It was instinctive, the tightening of his arms around her to keep her there. "I want whatever you want to give me. I want everything. But what I don't want is you doin' something you don't wanna do just because you think you gotta do it for me to stay. Cause you don't. I'm here. No matter what."
"I know you are," she whispered. "I want to."
"Then relax," he breathed, and then he kissed her.
It was everything they'd started in the car and more. Her mouth was hot and wet, her hands were under his shirt, and then teasing the waistband of his pants. He let his roam her body, teasing, caressing, tracing the lines of her rib cage while he kissed her slowly, leisurely. Mostly she was letting him take the lead, and he led as if there was all the time in the world.
Somewhere, time stopped. And the next thing he knew he was helping her out her shirt, watching his hands as they caressed their way down her body, and then she was shimmying out of her sweats and hitching her leg over his hip and arching against him like a cat in heat. And holy fuck, he wanted her.
He finally broke away from her mouth and kissed down her jawbone and her neck. Her head tilted back to give him more. She was panting, her blue eyes smokey. This was Linden turned on. "Fucking beautiful," he rasped as he moved back to her mouth, running his hands down her body to brush two fingers against the hot, wet heat of her. She arched into his touch with a whimper, urging him for more, then gasped into his mouth as he slid two fingers inside of her.
"Tell me what you like," he breathed against her ear, dropping a kiss just beside it.
"This," she groaned, "Just don't stop." Less than a minute later she was moving against his hand, her breaths ragged, her kisses urgent. His dick was throbbing and if he didn't get inside her soon he thought it might burst apart. He kissed her hard, and deep, sliding his thumb up to press against what was apparently just the right spot, because the next thing he knew she was coming apart at the seams.
He didn't give her time to recover. He couldn't. He needed this now. He rolled onto his back, pulling her with him until she was straddling him, and sliding down onto him, and the only word that would roll through his brain was amazing. As he started to slide inside, though, her expression changed, no longer unfocused from pleasure. Her lower lip was caught between her teeth again. Her face clouded over and she gave her head a slight shake, before trying to take him in the rest of the way.
"Easy, don't force it. It'll work. Give yourself a minute." He tugged her forward until her face was in his and kissed her, before slowly working the rest of the way inside. She let out of a breath of air against his mouth, then sat back up. "Ok?" he asked. She nodded.
That was a good thing, because two minutes later he was losing any control he might still have. He was trying to hold back but couldn't, he needed more and he needed it now. His hands roved over her body, kneading her perfect breasts, sliding over her stomach. "I dare you to come first," he rasped, and she sat down hard on him and her head fell back and he'd never seen anything so fucking gorgeous in his life. His hand moved down and rubbed against her like the last time, and that was it, she was gone again, pulsing around him and shuddering in her arms, her head thrown back and whole body taught. "Sarah," he groaned and then he was gone, falling over the edge with her, lost in the red hot haze of it all.
Slowly, she collapsed forward and he caught her against his chest. He could feel her heartbeat, pounding against her (his?) chest, matching his. She burrowed in against him, her whole body trembling. His arms felt like they were full of lead, almost impossible to lift, but he kept them up and around her anyways, gently rubbing a hand over her back, waiting for her to quit shaking.
"Fucking incredible," he breathed a few minutes later. He rooted around with one hand for the sheets so he could cover them, before she got chilled. "Where have you been all my life?" he teased.
"Sleeping on your couch, waiting for you ask me to come to bed," she mumbled into his chest.
"Shit, woman. I been here waiting for you to decide you were ready to get off the damned couch. Did we seriously just waste two weeks?" That was annoying.
More annoying, though, was that Linden apparently thought it was funny. Suddenly she was laughing against him – and not a cute little giggle either. Big, rolling, uncontrollable guffaws the like of which he'd never in a million years thought he'd hear come from Sarah Linden's mouth. The joy of her laughter made it hard for him to stay frustrated with the situation. Even if they had just both wasted two weeks that could have been full of epic sex.
"Oh. My. God," she gasped out, "We are both idiots."
"Yeah," he chuckled. "We probably are."
Slowly, her laughter died down and then she sighed and cuddled in against him. "Do I have to move? I don't think I can move yet."
"Definitely don't move," he advised, tucking the blankets around them and kissing the top of her head. The only thing in the world he wanted to do now, was drift off to sleep with her in his arms, just like this.
She made an unidentifiable little sound, turned her head a bit, and kissed his chest. Her breathing slowed, and the steady rhythm of it lulled him.
"I could stay like this forever.' She mumbled sleepily, and it was the last thing he heard before he was out.
He stirred drowsily when Linden untangled herself from him and slid from the bed, groaning as he tried to blink the sleep from his eyes. She turned back to him, smiled softly and cupped his face in her hand, her fingers gentle against his skin. "Go back to sleep," she whispered. "You have a bit of time." She leaned forward and brushed her lips against his, lingering for a second before backing away. Her fingers trailed down his cheek and then she was gone, padding out of the room in his t-shirt.
He burrowed down under the blankets, breathing in the smell of her on his skin, on his sheets. And even though he felt the loss of her body against him in the bed, he drifted off easily to the sound of her puttering around in the other room.
The next time he woke up, he could smell coffee. He rolled out of bed and quickly threw on some clothes. The first thing he saw was Linden, headed his way with a cup of coffee in her hands. She looked amazing. Her hair was still down. She was still in his shirt. And fuck, if he could just get her to that counter and get her legs around him- "Here," she interrupted his thoughts, handing him the mug she was carrying. "I was bringing you coffee."
He wasn't often speechless, but that tiny little gesture, and the way she slipped in and wrapped her arms around him to rest her head on his chest after he'd taken the mug, and the clear happiness in her eyes when he tipped his head down to kiss her did him in. And the best part, the very best part, was that she had tidied the living room, and there were no more blankets folded up beside the couch.