Leopold "Butters" Stotch, 18 years old, woke up in a cold sweat. He had the nightmare again. It wasn't exactly the same though. It never was. The events were always different, but the end was the same. That boy was dead. He's been having these nightmares since he was little. Butters couldn't remember when they started exactly. They seemed so real. It was confusing the first few years. Reality and the nightmares seemed to coincide with each other. Sometimes the nightmares made more sense than reality. They didn't always happen while he was asleep either. Many of them were daymares. It's almost as though there were holes in his memory. Butters learned fast that the less he questioned things, the less confusing life would be. The simple fact, that his nightmares try to question, was that Kenny McCormick was alive.
In Butters' head, he has seen Kenny die countless times. Some of the ways he died were laughable, horrific, stupid, scarring. Butters always kept on smiling, though, in reality. Is he mad? Does he want Kenny to die? He's wondered this for so many years. When he was younger, he created his alter ego Professor Chaos, arch nemesis to Kenny's Mysterion. If he was going to be evil, he might as well embrace it. Professor Chaos was a failure at evil, though. Butters always felt like a failure. He kept smiling on, despite it all.
These nightmares were taking a toll on him. He felt like he was crazy. Last night's nightmare was too much. He remembered most of them. There were too many to remember them all. They always felt so real, but they weren't. Butters would go to school and see Kenny laughing with his friends or smoking behind the bleachers. Today Kenny was with his friends when Butters got there. There were no signs of his nightmare being real. Two different realities were in Butters' head. This time, he almost wanted his newest nightmare to have been real. For the first time, Butters didn't feel like he could smile today. He made it through the school day with dead eyes. He was numb.
Butters was dragged by hand to a private area behind the high school by the smiling figure in front of him. This had become a regular occurrence over the past couple of weeks: Butters being dragged by this figure to different secure places around school. Once again he was roughly pinned against a hard surface, letting out a small moan of pain, and looked up to meet azure eyes. "We can't keep doing this during lunch," Butters protested. "Aren't you even hungry?"
The eyes glazed over in lust, and the smile became predatory. The taller figure licked its lips and said, in a husky voice, "Starving."
A mouth covered Butters' and sucked at his bottom lip, nibbling it desperately. Butters moaned at the feeling and allowed a skilled tongue to slide in his mouth. There was no battle for dominance, because Butters knew he would quickly lose. He just leaned back and let his mouth be ravished. A disappointed grunt escaped his mouth as the other's left it. The figure standing over him chuckled and went for Butters' neck. Butters could do nothing but roll his head to the side, basking in the pleasure he was getting from this. It wasn't until he felt the odd warmth of calloused skin did he realize that the figure had undone Butters' pants and was working at his member. The other hand was holding onto his back, pulling their bodies close. That mouth was still doing wonderful things to his neck and collarbone. His breath became rigid with every thrust of clenched fist and every love bite. His own hands were pinned against the figure's chest, between them. Butters was too far gone in lust to even think about what he would do with his hands were they free.
Soon he was pushed to his limit and came in the figure's hand, moaning the name of the one in front of him. "Kenny!"
Butters couldn't stop thinking of the dream-turned-nightmare. It was the happiest he had been in a long time. Around sophomore year, Butters realized that he had developed a crush on the boy he watched die in his dreams. That's another thing that he would never figure out. He just figured that his mind was twisted already, so why not throw in a depressing attraction. If only the dream had continued on and Kenny not have died. Butters would have slept forever.
Butters couldn't stand it anymore. It had been a few years since he realized he had a crush on Kenny, and a few months since he realized that he was in love with him. These feelings kept eating away at him until he just burst one day.
Having a general idea where the other boy may be, Butters nervously made his way behind the bleachers outside. And there Kenny was, cigarette in hand. He tried all his best not to stutter, resolute in his decision to confess. "Kenny, I need to talk to you."
The older blond quirked his eyebrow up and stared at the younger. "Sure thing, Butters." He took a long drag of the cigarette, exhaling the smoke away from Butters, before tossing it on the ground and stomping it out. Butters was a bit thankful he did.
"Well, um." Butters knocked his knuckles together, his nervous habit since childhood. "I guess I should just come out and say it." He met Kenny's eyes, knowing that it was now or never. "I don't know why and I don't know how...But I seem to have fallen in love with you." Then he waited. He waited for some kind of reaction. He half expected to be laughed at or made fun of. The other half expected Kenny to just ignore him and leave, in silence. He never expected what actually happened, though.
Kenny reached out and softly grabbed Butters' hand, never allowing his eyes to leave the other's. With a devious, yet kind, smile growing on his lips, he brought the hand to his mouth and kissed Butters' palm. The feeling of lips on skin made Butters feel uncomfortably warm. He liked it. Kenny moved the hand to the side of his face, nuzzling it with his cheek. The contact didn't really seem to fit with Kenny's image, but it was more than welcomed by the startled and confused Stotch. Kenny gave him a wide smile."I guess I should take responsibility for that, then."
It's been two days since the nightmare ended, and two days since Butters can remember last smiling. He sat alone at lunch as he always does, but it didn't feel right. In his dream, he had long since stopped eating alone. He would occasionally eat with Kenny and his friends, or just with Kenny. The routine was so real in his mind, but it wasn't really true. He remembered these past three months as they actually occurred, and knew now how lonely he always was. Butters hardly touched his food. The world around him had become a blur of faceless people and dim colors.
"Leo," He heard from the table behind him. Butters' heart leapt and was almost tempted to turn around, but then realized it was a girl's voice and wasn't addressed to him. "What does it say about Leos for this week?" The energetic girl continued. Oh. Horoscope.
"Hey, Ken!" Butters ran up to his boyfriend of two months, standing on his toes to kiss him on the cheek. School had just let out and it was a Friday, so they had a date today.
"Hey, Buttercup. Ready to go?" Kenny was waiting for him by the old truck Kevin helped him fix up. Butters nodded and they got in. Kenny was pulling out of the Park County High parking lot when he asked, "So what do you want to do first? Pizza or movie?"
Butters got noticeably nervous, but his mind was already made up about what he wanted to do. "Actually, Ken, my parents are on a couples' cruise as of yesterday, and won't be back until next Sunday. So, well, I was wondering if you wanted to, um, spend the night?" His face felt so hot. "Or maybe the weekend?" Oh so hot. "Or maybe even until they get back?"
To say the look on Kenny's face held shock was to say the least. His smile became so huge that it made Butters' belly flop. They both knew what Butters was really asking. Butters loved Kenny and wanted to make his ultimate commitment to him. He knew that Kenny fucked around before they got together, but Butters was new to all of this. He wanted Kenny to be his first.
"I'll stay for as long as you let me, babe." Kenny drove by his own house first. He could hear his parents fighting inside, so he asked Butters to stay in the truck and wait. A few minutes passed and Kenny eventually came out with an old gym bag. "I got everything," Kenny said, winking, as he got back in the pickup. He stole a kiss from the blushing Butters before driving towards the Stotch residence.
Butters told Kenny that he wanted them to share his room, instead of Kenny sleeping on the couch downstairs like he had offered. He took the taller boy's hand and lead him upstairs to the room they would be sharing. Butters made the first move, surprising them both. He had wanted Kenny for so long, he didn't think he could wait any longer. Butters grabbed the back of Kenny's neck and pulled him forward, attacking warm lips with his. It was the most fierce kiss that the boy had ever instigated. With a few clumsy steps, they landed on the bed and hands were searching for skin, shedding the clothes off the other as fast as they could, until both boys lie there, only underwear remaining. When they broke for air, Kenny was leaning over Butters, hair falling over his eyes just barely. His hands pinned Butters on either side of his head, and a knee on either side of his right leg. The contact of lust-filled eyes and Butters' small nod was all Kenny needed to continue.
He kissed and nibbled down the boy's throat, as he has done before, but didn't stop at the collarbone this time. He released Butters' hands, because he knew how touchy Butters liked to get when they made-out. Butters moved his hands to Kenny's back. Having no cloth to hold, he dug his nails into the warm skin under his fingers, clawing at a tanned back. It wasn't long before Butters began to squirm, trying to tug his own underwear off. Kenny chuckled and licked then bit into the tender nipple that his tongue just landed on, then helped the boy under him remove the rest of both of their undergarments. Butters gasped in an odd pleasure, throwing his head back at the feeling of Kenny's teeth against his sensitive flesh. His whole body was burning. Kenny moved to sit up and took in the sight of all that was Leopold "Butters" Stotch. Butters' light-blond hair was fanned out against his pillow. It reminded Kenny of a young lion, just growing in his mane. "Mine," Kenny purred. "My lion. My Leo."
And he became his, body and soul. He was no longer "Butters" to the one he loved, but "Leo." For the first time in years, Leopold Stotch's real name was used, though never had he heard it uttered with such pleasant emotion. Leo was Kenny's, and Kenny was his.
Butters had to find a bathroom. Memories like that were too much strain on his body and emotions. In the comfort of the empty restroom and stall, Butters cried silently while massaging his hard-on like the dream-Kenny would. He came with a quiet, strangled gasp, then wrapped his arms around his body and let the sobs take over. He cried until his eyes were numb. His heart hurt. Butters didn't know how long he could go on with all of these different memories in his head. Butters remembered the moments he and Kenny had shared in the dream. He remembered the way Kenny would smile just for him, how his melodious laugh would ring out when Butters got shy or babbled because of something that was said. He remembered Kenny's rough hands moving about to memorize every inch of him.
Butters yearned for that to be his reality. Though every time he thought of the other boy, there were other memories. His memories of his nightmares plagued him. Kenny dying in various ways would replay in his mind. How could his subconscious come up with such horrifying deaths and then turn around and form elaborate throws of passion? It was driving Butters insane. So there, sitting in the stall, he resolved to do something drastic, before he did something that he wouldn't have the time to regret. He resolved to tell Kenny exactly how crazy he was. He would tell him about some of the more memorable deaths he had witnessed in his nightmares, and he would tell a summary of how they had been in a committed relationship for the past two months in his dream. He would tell Kenny exactly how he died as his lover. Perhaps Kenny would say something to someone and Butters would finally be sent away. Butters just knew that he couldn't keep all of this pinned up anymore. It was killing him. So why not tell the main character of his inner torment?
Butters found Kenny how he had in the dream, right down to the cigarette in hand. This time would be different, though. Butters walked up to Kenny, sure of everything he was about to do. He plucked the cigarette from its owner's fingers and took it to his lips, this time being the one to take the last drag and stomping it out on the ground. Butters, in the dream, had shared cigarettes with Kenny before, and the familiar taste was welcomed in his lungs. It was odd, but it calmed him a bit. Butters hadn't even realized that he was trembling before then. He looked up to see Kenny's eyes wide in shock at what he had just done.
"So, Kenny. I have to talk to you. If I don't now, I know I'll just become crazier than I already am." Without waiting for any response from the other, Butters plopped down on the ground. Kenny didn't move to leave nor to sit. Butters let out a slightly aggravated sigh. "Listen. This will take some time. So if you're going to hear me out, I suggest you get comfortable." Butters was using a biting tone, knowing that by the end of his story Kenny would probably hate him anyways. Kenny gave Butters a calculating look, but resigned himself to sitting on the grass in front of Butters. "Don't say anything. Just listen. It will go by much faster that way. After I'm done, then you can leave and never have to talk to me again. I promise. I doubt you'll like what I have to say."
Kenny responded to Butters pointed look by giving him an unsure and confused nod.
Thus began Butters' story. "Ever since I can remember, I've had nightmares. I guess everyone has nightmares. Mine are different, though. At first, I couldn't diff'rentiate them from reality. I've tried so hard to tell myself that it's not real every time it happens. They overlap with my memories of what really happens. I knew that it wasn't real. I knew. I had additional memories that no one else had. False memories. I've been afraid of myself, for what I dream. Someone dies in my dreams. The same person every time. I've seen him die so many times in so many different ways. It's horrible. I keep smiling, though. I always smile. I wanted to be perfectly normal like all the other boys. So I would smile. The nightmares were also daymares. They would usually end when the boy died. Sometimes they would continue on well after that. He's literally shat himself to death, been shot or impaled more times than I care to count, spontaneously combusted once, was a human sacrifice, and keeps getting run over by different things. One of the times it went on after he died, he possessed Eric because Eric thought that his ashes were cocoa powder and wanted chocolate milk. One of the ones that made me question reality more was when we were all playing heroes and villains, and he shot himself to prove that he can't die. I remember him shooting himself. I also remember him storming off before any of that happened. And those are only from when we were kids! I didn't see all of his deaths, but I knew about some of them. There may be more deaths that I didn't know about. He could have just died somewhere in my dreams before I woke up, without me even knowing it. I hate it. I hate seeing him die all the time."
"This last nightmare, though," Butters knew it was time... "It started as a dream. We were in a committed relationship for three months." Butters hadn't looked Kenny in the eyes since he started his tale, and he wasn't planning on looking up from his hands until he was finished, but he heard a sharp intake of breath from Kenny. "Yes. I'm a cock-sucking, cum-guzzling fag. Eric was right. Deal with it," Butters snapped, thinking Kenny was going to say something to mock him.
He calmed himself a bit, knowing that if he didn't, he would probably start crying at this part. "I loved him. I'm pretty sure he loved me too. These past couple of days, I haven't smiled. Not that you probably noticed. No one ever notices. No one gives two shits about me. That's just how it is. The way he looked at me, though...it was like nothing else mattered in the world. And I'll never experience that again. He died, and the dream ended. It was my fault he died. I couldn't save him. He...I...what happened...ugh!" He couldn't do this. Butters needed to calm his mind. He needed a release. "You have another one of those?" Butters asked, pointing at the dirty cigarette on the ground he threw down earlier. Kenny nodded and handed Butters another from his pocket and his lighter. Butters made sure to not make any accidental eye or skin contact and took the lighter and cigarette from the extended hand. He lit it with ease and relaxed into the sensation and flavor of the smoke before exhaling. It comforted and reminded him of the Kenny he knew in the dream. "How he died. It was my fault." He took another, shorter, puff. "I snuck him in one night. My folks were fighting again and I just needed someone to hold me 'til it ended."
Butters was crying into his lover's arms, who stroked his hair lovingly. "I can't take this! They've never loved each other. I don't even know how they were able to have me. Dad's a fag and Mom's a bitch. Why don't they just get a divorce? I'm not a kid anymore, so they can't use me as an excuse. Everyone knows what they are, so a bad reputation is already what they got. Why do they do this, Ken? Why?!"
"I don't know, Leo. Some people just want to be miserable all their life." A loud crash of pottery smashing was heard from downstairs.
Butters cringed and dug his nails into the protective arm holding him. "If they fight like this sober, I don't ever want 'em to get drunk." Butters let out a sad sigh. "I just want to forget." He looked up and met the eyes of his love. "Make me forget, Kenny."
Kenny complied and leaned in to claim his Leo's lips in a soft kiss. Butters' grip grew tighter and his nails dug deeper, almost enough to draw blood. Kenny didn't mind it, though. It turns him on. Their kiss became more hungry and lust-filled. Teeth knock accidentally and tongues danced in ecstasy. Butters clung to Kenny like his life depended on it.
That's when they heard it. They heard two scandalized yelps from Butters' now-open door. The two boys tore apart. "Mom! Dad!"
"Not my baby!" Butters' mother screeched in rage. She ran at Kenny, arms out to strangle. Kenny did the only thing he could think of and ran to the window and jumped. He landed and twisted his ankle, maybe breaking it. Kenny got up as quick as he could, which wasn't quick enough. Mrs. Stotch ran out the front door of her home with a small handgun she had bought a few years ago 'just-in-case.' "I raised my baby right and I'm not going to have a damned fag fuck him up like his father!" She pulled the trigger three times. One bullet missed Kenny by an inch, but the other two punctured him in his chest, one puncturing a major artery just-so. He fell back, not able to keep steady from his injuries.
Butters was screaming from his window, calling out to Kenny below. His father was holding him, keeping him from jumping out himself or running outside. Butters was sobbing and rambling, "Don't leave me like this, Kenny! I'll die if you do! Don't die this time! Not now! If you die now, I'll wake up! I don't want to live without you! I want this to be real! Kenny! Please! Get up! Get up!" Kenny died watching him cry, with a sad smile on his face. Butters, freed from his father's grip, fell to the floor, knowing that the dream had ended and that he would be waking up any minute, hopefully. Kenny always dies. But not really. So this was another nightmare. All of it. His father left him alone in his room. Leopold "Butters" Stotch, now dead inside, could only will himself to crawl in bed and wait to wake up from what he knew was the worst nightmare he's ever had.
"And I woke up. I'm crazy, I know." The cigarette was all but almost used up, so Butters took one last puff and snuffed it out in the dirt. "I'm telling you all this because," Butters let out a sad sigh, almost like a whimper, "it's you. You're the one I keep dreaming about dying. You are the one I fell in love with. It's always been you, Kenny." Kenny didn't say anything, and Butters still didn't want to make eye contact.
He could see from the corner of his eye that Kenny was making to move, so Butters let out a sigh and opened his mouth to say one final thing, when he felt a familiar, slick velvet tongue enter his mouth. Lips attacked his and strong arms pulled him into a comforting and possessive embrace. Butters was nothing but shocked, not fully registering what just happened until Kenny pulled away some seconds later. Kenny had a huge smile on his face, and his eyes shined with relief and tears. His hand stroked Butters' cheek, lovingly, like dream-Kenny did. "I thought I was alone. You're not crazy. You remember." Kenny's lips pecked against his. "My lion." Another kiss. "Mine." Another. "My Leo." And another. "You remember."
Butters eyes were wide. If this was a dream, may he keep on dreaming and never wake up. Butters leaned into him and kissed his Kenny with a passion. His. Kenny was his, and he was Butters'.
"Meet me after dark again, and I'll hold you. I am nothing more than to see you there. If only tonight could hold you where I could see you, my love, then let me never wake again. Somehow, I know we can't wake again from this dream. It's not real, but it's ours. Maybe tonight we'll fly so far away, we'll be lost before the dawn."
-'Before the Dawn' by Evanescence