Dean was leaning against the Impala, checking his phone, when Sam walked up to him carrying a bag of food and two drinks. He looked completely lost in what he was reading, and to Sam's utter frustration he showed no interest in Sam's return. Just like he had been the entire ride, just like he had been since he was back from purgatory. And it freaking hurt. Especially now that Sam had an idea about the reason behind it.

"Heads up." He handed his brother one of the drinks and walked to the passenger side of the car. He didn't know how much more of this he could actually tolerate.

To his surprise though, Dean looked up and actually started talking to him.

"I caught wind of a case on this police scanner. Sounds like our kind of thing." He said, turning around to face Sam. What the hell?

"I wasn't even gone ten minutes!" Sam said, staring at Dean frozen, frowning, because seriously, what the hell! Dean looked up at him, mirroring his own confusion which just made this whole thing weirder.

"Okay. That matters why?" Dean asked, so casually that for a brief second, it felt like the past year hadn't happened. But it was just for a moment, before Sam's brain reminded him that it actually had happened.

"I don't know, Dean. How about because you haven't said a word to me since Prentiss Island? And now, what? You want me to shut up and ride shotgun and act like nothing happened?"

He wanted so desperately for Dean to say yes, to get him angry, to start a fight, because this, this was killing both of them. Sam could feel his own skin boiling with the need and the want and he knew so damn well, they couldn't get past any of this shit without a big fight. Maybe even more than one. They needed to get the words out of their systems.

Sam couldn't go on like this, not anymore.

"You want to talk about Benny? Fine. Let's talk."

Apparently, Dean agreed. Because his tone alone was challenging Sam. And Sam felt the burning anger boil inside him. This was a good start anyways.

"Okay. How about he's a vampire?" He breathed out, as if those words were enough of a reason on Dean's stupidity.

"He's also the reason I'm topside and not roasting on a spit in Purgatory. Anything else?" Dean shut back, looking unaffected by Sam's accusation.

That was reach! Using purgatory as a reason for everything.

"Don't pretend I don't get it. I know you had to do what you had to down there…" Sam started, lining up his ducks before his attack, but Dean beat him to it.

"I highly doubt you get anything about Purgatory."

Sam chose to ignore him for the sake of his own reasoning.

"But you're out now, and Benny's still breathing. Why?"

Dean stared at him for a few moments before he answered, searching Sam's eyes.

"He's my friend, Sam." He finally decided to answer, deciding that was enough for now. Except it wasn't. Sam knew Dean better than to believe he'd let Benny go just because he was a friend. He couldn't help the frustrated chuckle thinking this was about something bigger. And he wasn't about to let Dean get away this easy.

"And what about my friend, Amy? She was what? 'Cause you sure as hell didn't have a problem ganking her."

Sam threw the words at Dean, feeling the cold war start. But Dean just kept staring at him calmly, his fists pressed to the Impala.

"Well, I guess people change, don't they? We let that werewolf Kate go, didn't we?"

Sam frowned deeper.

"She was different. She…" Sam started before he belatedly realized what Dean was saying. "You think Benny's different? He tell you he's not drinking live blood, or something?"

He chuckled, the words funny to his own ear. Dean couldn't possibly have changed this much.

Except that he apparently had, because he licked his lips, looking away from Sam, which was as loud of a 'yes' as Sam could ever get out of his brother.

"And you believe him. Wow. Okay. You know, you're right. People do change."

Sam could feel his brain gears destroying. The Dean he remembered only gave a free pass like this to two people. Sam and Castiel.

It had taken Sam years to get used to having Cas there. He wasn't sure he could do it again with Benny. Especially since this was a damn monster not an angel.

Then Dean decided to actually participate in the war, shooting his first real blow to Sam.

"Yeah. I got a vampire buddy, and you turn your phone off for a year."

'if you had tried to get me out maybe I never needed one!' Sam heard the unsaid words there and he hated the hint of guilt that caused in him.

"Don't turn this on me." He breathed out, clenching his jaw.

Dean took a breath, finally losing his calm position.

"Look, Benny slips up and some other hunter turns his lights out, so be it…" Dean stopped at that, as if the thought alone was causing him pain, and that was enough to make Sam feel his gut twist.

"But it's not gonna be you, right?" He asked already knowing the answer. Already hating the answer.

"You coming or not?" Dean said, getting into the car.

Fine. Maybe Sam could wait a little longer. Dean was close to blowing up.

Dean was pointing his gun at Sam. His brother was behind the trigger, his eyes full of … hatred. There was nothing in there except for the burning rage, the hurt that Dean was so good at hiding normally. His brother was possessed by the ghost.

"Come on, Dean. I know it's not you in there pulling the strings." Sam breathed out, not really sure of his words.

"Shut up!" Dean spat out, his tone the coldest Sam had ever heard directed at himself.

"You never even wanted this life. Always blamed me for pulling you back into it. You HATE being in love with me! " Dean's voice was full of every emotion Sam had never wanted him to feel. He needed Dean to understand nothing had changed between them in the past year. That he still wanted his brother, his lover, back in his life. Always had.

"That's not true."

"Really? 'Cause everything you've ever done since you climbed into my ride has been to deceive me." Dean's eyes were the worst. They were so cold, so icy, that the always green now looked more grey.

"What do you want me to say? That I've made mistakes? I've made mistakes, Dean." Sam said, his voice raising, and he wasn't sure if it was out of the fear or the anger or the hurt or which of the million things he was feeling.

"Mistakes?" Dean huffed a sarcastic chuckle. Sam could hear his next words before he even continued.

"Well, let's go through some of Sammy's greatest hits. Drinking demon blood, check. Being in cahoots with Ruby, cheating on me with a demon. Letting me feel like crap, blaming myself for everything that had gone wrong between us while you fucked her? Not telling me that you lost your soul. Or how about running around with Samuel for a whole year, letting me think that you were dead while you're doing all kinds of crazy. Fucking your way around the continent! Those aren't mistakes, Sam. Those are choices! Those are you, choosing someone else over me! Those are you always preferring goddamn strangers to me!"

Sam felt the blade in his heart, handle deep and twisting. How could Dean even… Who the hell was he to talk about choosing others over him? With Gordon, Castiel, and now Benny on his list, he had quit a greatest hits of his own.

"All right. You said it. We've both played a little fast and loose." He tried to make his point without getting shut.

"Yeah, I might have lied, but I never once betrayed you." Dean paused, waiting for his words to effect Sam.

"I never once left you to die." Sam could see the tears in Dean's eyes now, and somehow they hurt even more than the words.

"And for what, a girl? You left me to die for a girl?" Dean repeated, as if saying it twice would change the fact that Sam actually had left him to die for a girl. And Sam had had enough. It's not like Dean was Mr. innocent here. He had spent a whole year in purgatory, not only with Cas, but Benny too. And suddenly they were best friends, and Dean would leave Sam and go be with Benny for more than a day. He would hug the vampire, when they hadn't so much as touched each other since he had been back.

No. Dean was not going to blame this one on Sam.

Sam put a hand on the gun and punched Dean hard, flipping and throwing him into the glass pane in the room. He held Dean's right hand in his as he punched his brother again and again. He had to pay for letting someone other than Sam touch him.

Dean found his footing pretty soon though, backhanding Sam before he headbutted him, kicking him across the room. The only time Dean had hit Sam like this was when he was about to run away with Ruby and all the flashbacks Sam was having weren't helping his situation. At all.

Sam fell to the floor, pulling himself up to lean against the sofa. Dean was hitting him again, because of a girl Sam had chosen over him, because of a guy Dean trusted more than Sam, and it hurt the same it had the first time.

"Do it Dean! Kill me! Kill your brother. You've been wanting to do it since that very first time you met Cas all those years ago, and now you have Benny! What's stopping you now?" Sam wasn't even thinking anymore.

"You left me to rot in Purgatory!" Dean said, as if he hadn't even heard Sam. But Sam could hear Dean, he could hear what this has been doing to his brother all this time.

"Dean! I had a fucking reason! Just like you had your reasons for Benny." He tried again, this time his blow hitting the target.

"Benny has been more of a brother to me this past year than you've ever been!" Dean spat out, making sure his words hit Sam as hard as he wanted them to. He didn't even say 'lover' or 'friend'. He said 'brother' and Sam felt his heart break all over again.

"That's right. Cas let me down. You let me down. The only person that hasn't let me down is Benny."

Sam watched as Dean held the gun higher, pointing it to his head, and all he could think of was that the last time he was going to ever see his brother's eyes, they were filled with hatred, and not love.

"Goodbye, Sam." Dean said, and Sam closed his eyes, ready for the familiar sound of the trigger, for the pain and the darkness that never came.

He opened his eyes, meeting the glassy, teary green ones above him. Dean had lowered the gun, and was now staring at Sam, his hands shaking.

"I can't…" he said before he opened his fisted hands and a coin fell to the floor. That was it then. That was what drove everyone to kill their most beloved ones.

Everyone but Dean.

Dean stepped back, staring at his gun and then at Sam, unconsciously wiping his tears on his sleeve. He pointed the gun at the coin, this time pulling the trigger before he threw it away on the floor, moving towards Sam.

"Need a hand?" He said, holding out his hand for Sam and Sam decided to let the topic drop for now. He needed time to recollect and make a new plan. He needed to know he would win the fight before he started it. Because losing the fight meant losing his brother and Sam couldn't do that again. Not after he'd just seen the proof of Dean's love.

Sam wiped his face with the clean towel on his side, staring at his own reflection in the mirror. He was so angry, so hurt, that he couldn't think straight. All he really wanted was to pin Dean down and fuck him so hard they both forgot about everything else that was going on. He just wanted his brother back, without the shadow of Castiel or Benny or any other fucking monster out there.

He jumped as he heard his brother knock on the door loudly, and sighed, keeping up his staring down contest with his reflection. He wasn't sure which one was winning really.

Dean knocked again, harder this time, as if he was scared that Sam had taken off or something.

He wouldn't be far off though. Sam would have left if he thought it would help solve anything.

"Sammy! SAM! Open the damn door!" Dean yelled and Sam glanced away from his reflection, finally moving to open the door and let his brother in, readying himself for the second fight of the night. Hopefully this one wouldn't end up in pain. Physically or emotionally.

He opened the door and watched as Dean stepped inside, staring at him for a few seconds, and he could hear the gears working in his brother's head, trying to find something to tell Sam.

"What took you so long? Were you jerking off or something?" He finally decide to go with humor apparently. Just what Sam had been expecting from him.

"Dean! Can you please cut the bull shit and let us fucking talk about this whole mess?"

"What mess?" Dean tried again, the attempt so weak that he sighed anyways, moving to sit on the bed.

"Alright… look, man, I don't even remember what I said, but, uh.."

"But what?" Sam cut his brother short, staring him down. He was gonna do this right this time.

"But you didn't mean it? Oh, please. You and I both know you didn't need that penny to say those things…"

"Come on, Sam!" Dean protested but it was so obvious that he damn well knew it was true. Dean wasn't over this and pretending he was, would only make things worse.

"For the record, the girl – her name's Amelia. Amelia Richardson. She and I had a place together in Kermit, Texas."

"Sam… I don't need you to tell me about her… I don't fucking care who you've been screwing for the past year while I was fighting for my damn life in purgatory! Trying to get back to you!" Dean was yelling now, staring at Sam from where he was sitting on the bed. And Sam had had enough of this already.

"Own up to your crap, Dean." He stepped forward, hovering over his brother, letting his hurt and anger radiate off his body. He was faintly aware that his whole body was shaking with his rage.

"I told you from the jump where I was coming from, why I didn't look for you. But you? You had secrets. You had Benny. And you got on your high and mighty, and you've been kicking me ever since you got back when honestly God knows what the two of you had been doing for the past year."

Dean stared at Sam, confusion written all over his face now, replacing the raged glare he was giving Sam a few seconds ago.

"What?"

"You come back after a year, you don't fucking kiss me or hell even so much as touch me. Then you leave me alone, going off on a hunt with your new buddy, which is by the way a monster, and you hang up on me when I call, making me feel like a damn housewife who's being cheated on, and you don't even tell me what happened to Cas. For all I know you two could have killed him to get him out the way, so that you could fuck the vampire! What, angel play wasn't enough for you anymore? You had to try the new monster in town didn't you? You fucking whore…" Sam was cut short as Dean's hand landed on his cheek, slapping him so hard that he felt his eyes water.

Ouch. Dean had just slapped him. Not punched, not kicked, real, honest to god slapped him.

He stepped back, holding his cheek in his palm, his eyes landing on Dean's.

"Don't you dare say it Sam! I… you think I've been sleeping with Benny? And Cas before that? You…" Dean took a deep breath, holding his face in his hands.

"How was I supposed to kiss you Sam? Or touch you? When you made it so clear that you're only with me because there's no one else... That you will let go of me the first chance that you get? What, I'm supposed to throw myself at you, let you fuck me, use me, until I'm dead and you can move on and find someone else?" Dean paused, pinching the bridge of his nose harder this time.

"Sam, why do you not trust me? YOU are the one who keeps running away with girls, sleeping with them instead of looking for me, getting me out of the pits I get in and yet, somehow, I'm the one who can't be trusted?"

Dean looked up at Sam, his eyes shining with tears of hurt and Sam felt bad for the first time in weeks. Dean had a point.

He slowly took his hand off his face, moving to sit by his brother's side, not sure if Dean would slap him again or just down right punch him. He was gonna take his chances.

"Dean… I'm sorry… Maybe I went a little crazy and mental over this but… you have to know why… You…"

Dean looked up at him and for a moment Sam thought he was gonna die with how intense Dean's gaze was.

"Sam…"

But he had to make Dean understand.

"No, Dean… I have to tell you now or I will never be able to do it again! It's because I love you so much… I love you so much that sometimes I can't breathe and it scares me that you can just leave and I'd be devastated… Every time I try to find a safe ground, something happens and you disappear and I'm the one who has to stay here and be alone, on my own, trying to figure out what the hell to do. I look for you, you get mad. I don't look for you, you get mad. I don't … Dean it scares me how much I need you and I'm sorry if sometimes I run away from you but it's… I'm just scared man…" He looked down at his hands, feeling lost and kicked and naked under his brother's searching eyes.

"Sam… I… I get it man… It scares me too… I told you once before, years ago, the things I'd do to save you, to keep you breathing… Hell the things I HAVE done to keep you safe… It scares me too… And… maybe a part of me wanted you to leave me, to go be with Amelia or whoever it is, just so you could be free of me… man this whole thing is a pile of mess and it feels like we're both drowning in it… But I can make this right... I will give you your freedom Sammy..."

No. no no no no no! this was NOT where Sam had been wanting to go, this wasn't what he was trying to get at.

See Sam wanted to make up and have heated sex with Dean but this felt like… goodbye.

Dean could not possibly be doing this to him.

When two hours and a messy sobbing contest later, Sam watched Dean get in the Impala without him and leave, Sam finally let his broken heart believe that yes, Dean could do this to him.