Summary: New twist on a completely unashamed MarySue. This is for all the times you just wanted to SMACK him. I'm a grumpy old woman, not some sweet young thing. What you see is what you get. Flames and Complaints will be ignored or reported as appropriate. AU/AR
DO NOT
Yeah, first things first...I dreamed his coming. I dreamed for months...thought that's all it was, you know. Dreams...cuz everyone knows that the Doctor ain't a real person, right? And here I am a bit over halfway through my fiftieth year, so fairytales are something I outgrew a very long time ago. I lived with my cats in a tiny trailer just thirty feet long and less than ten feet wide, on a monthly stipend and managed to make it from month to month. I siphoned internet from the nearby motel with the owner's permission...she gave me the network code, after all, and pretty much surfed the net all day. Disabled, that's me. Nothing much to do especially in the winter months, with my joints the way they are from the hips down. Hard to move and often painful.
In the summers, once the hot sun has sorted me out a bit, I garden...but winter cold tends to pin me down and I don't go out much. Oh, I'll admit, I was bored...seriously. And I was just getting over a cold when I heard it...and looked up cuz you don't watch the shows I do on Netflix and not know what that sound is...
I remember shaking my head and checking to see if I'd left BBC America on or Netflix...or Hulu. None of the above. I didn't bother to get up, why would I? Clearly, I was hearing things and I resolved to have my ears checked. I also checked my dosage list and made sure I hadn't taken too much cold medicine...or two doses, too close together. I hadn't, but just to be on the safe side, I put the cold medicine away and just put out cough drops: Fifty is too young to go that crazy, y'know?
But, I could still hear it and more to the point, the view outside the trailer windows on all sides...changed from grass and trees...and the next RV over, to...oh no. If this turns out to be (as it probably is) a dream, I'm going to be so ticked off...I wasn't that bored and I need my sanity.
**WHO**
When the knock on the trailer door came, I was annoyed so I'd already decided to let all the cats out. All? Thirteen...that's one adult, seven 8-month-old kittens and ten more 3-month-olds. I don't care how much energy he has, that many babies will keep him hopping. So I opened the door and stepped carefully down...didn't wish to fall or something...and all of them sorta flew out the door after me.
Must admit, that gaping jaw of his was funny.
"Whaaa?" He spluttered. "You're not Martha."
"Oh geez...the stories weren't kidding about your driving were they? You poor bastard, you just let thirteen cats...all kittens but one, loose in here. Oh...oh dear..." I looked up, "They don't know that wires aren't toys...babies, see. Might want to consider making sure they can't reach any, dear." I told his ship.
"Oh. Yeah, that would be a problem...how did they disappear that fast?" Tenth asked, looking around. One or two of the smallest was still there and Diva was only just then coming out of the storage compartment where she kept her own litter, but Scribe, the Catpack and most of the little ones had wandered off.
I shrugged. "They're cats. All you need to know really. It's just how they are." I reached over to the propane tanks and worked the cover off. "Don't need these on in here, do we? Propane."
He eyed me a bit, then shook his head and I turned off the tanks. He was still looking me over...with the Sonic by then and finally sighed. "She picked you up because of that massive snowstorm that's coming and your lack of health. The TARDIS says she's got a room for you, gardens for the cats...and that she's already seen to their parasites.
"Both adult females are pregnant."
"Ah. That's a lot of cats."
"Yep. Most of them will want to cuddle...the average adult cat has about the same intelligence as a human child of about three years old...and the same level of innocence, obviously, the babies have less intelligence and more innocence. Translation, be nice." Still holding the crank to the hitch end, I leaned down carefully and grabbed Cuddles, whom I handed to him. "This is Cuddles. Loves to snuggle that little one...and she won't read anything other than that into it." I smiled. "Your's. I'll give you the smallest of the babies and keep the older ones. That should give you plenty to do...even you can't imagine all the things those little animals can get into. Just have the ship keep all the cats, regardless of age, out of the console room and you'll be a lot happier. Just prevent them from going in there at all, would be best."
"Okaaaay." He decided not to argue with her...and it was a cute little thing. "Now we start figuring out what to do with you. You can't run, can you? At all."
"No, sorry. I think the word 'disabled' means about the same to you as to me."
"Yeah. Don't worry, I'll look after you."
"And I'll let you use my common sense in return. You need it. Badly."
He looked at me sharply. "What do you mean?"
"Have you considered trying to find out when Pete's World split from this one, going back before that by a few hundred years to give yourself a safety zone, then fetching her from that point...since if you do it in the right sequence this fine lady should be able to handle the other vortex...and just in case, ask her to grow a secondary electrical system that can and then try it?"
He stared at me for a moment then stated, rather hoarsely. "IDIOT, me."
"Well, as far as I know, you're male. It seemed pretty obvious to me, so...I think missing the obvious is just a guy thing."
"Oi!" He exclaimed, "And I thought I was rude! I am definitely male!"
"You sure?"
"OI!"
"Knew you were coming, you know. Dreamed it for months...I just didn't know you were a real person so I dismissed it. This is going to be...interesting. One thing you need to understand right from the git-go, and that's that I don't kiss ass...anyone's, even your's. Please try not to annoy me and I'll try not to show you that in the rudeness arena, you are an amateur."
"What?"
"2013 American, here. You picked me up on November 23rd, actually."
"Ah. Well, let's get you settled." He stayed pretty close cuz I was moving pretty slow, making the 'mrwoow' sound that called my cats to me...and he watched them come and then follow. "Amazing. Do you even know what you're saying?"
"Nope. Just the sound I use to call cats with. It works, same as breaking up dominance displays with a snarl and growl to remind them I'm the queen cat works."
"Huh."
"She's looking for you, you know. This you. And if you stayed in London for a few weeks, maybe at UNIT, she might be able to get to you. So far she's found mostly the babies...though she did drop in on 9th once...remember that now?"
"Yessss...oh, poor Rose."
"The stars over there are going out, see. The Silence...you know what that is?"
"Yeah."
"It's coming here too, so if you can head it off here, it'll stop there. She just wants to come home...home isn't Earth, it's not London...it's YOU, knucklehead. So far as Rose is concerned, YOU are her home. Wherever you are, is home for her. That means that if she isn't right where you are, she's homeless."
"Rose." He shuddered.
"I'll tell you what's going on in her head, bet that's why your ship grabbed me...even with the number of pets I've got." I told him. "On other hand, I'll rat you out to Rose just as fast."
"Time Lord, me."
"Yes...but you are male, aren't you? You said you were. Of course...you do lie...a lot."
"What? Of course I am! Why the hell would I lie about my gender?"
"Fully equipped...not a, uh, eunuch or a gelding...or something?"
"HELL NO!"
"Got a good supply of testosterone...or the equivalent?"
"Of course!"
I just smiled at him. "Then I'll rat you out, accurately, to Rose just as fast. I believe what the TARDIS wanted was a referee on the ground, so to speak."
"Sweet bloody HELL, I am in so much trouble..."
"Oh, and Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"If I find out this is just you yanking my chain, you'll be in so deep you'll never get out. Human or not, even crippled as I am, I can make a nasty enemy cuz I pull nasty pranks when you least expect them, so don't do that to me. I have no problem embarrassing you in as public a fashion as possible." I took a deep breath, then continued, "Moving right along...that Prof. Yana character you wanted to go see?"
"Yeah?"
"Let him be. He's finally safe to be around."
"What?"
"Seriously, if you go over there, I'll have the TARDIS land on him and put him in a room with no doors."
"What?"
"That's all I'm going to say...and if he's really lucky, I won't ask her to drop him straight into a live volcano. And yes, I'm tampering. Deal with it...cuz as long as I don't tell you what I'm tampering with you won't notice...cuz it's this you's future. Course, Eleven might show up and complain...but that's older you and I'll make sure to get in your face first."
"Crap." Was all he said as he settled her safely into a seat in the library and then went to direct his ship into the far distant past of Earth.
**tbc**