A/N: Enjoy! (And review. Please?)

And also, I did not make these things up, but the names. I've actually seen these things in fanfiction. I hope someone reads this and fixes their writing. Of course, if you see me developing sicknesses, please do TELL ME. And if anyone knows any "sicknesses", I would love if you told me, and if I find enough, I might add more to this current short oneshot, and might turn this into a really long oneshot.

Disclaimer: What do you mean, disclaimer? I own the world! Mwa-ha-ha!

Because of several epidemics sweeping across fandoms world-wide, this new pamphlet has been circulated out to alert fanfiction authors and readers to the diseases. As these are very dangerous and tear-worthy, please feel free to schedule an appointment with a beta if you believe you may have any of these sicknesses.

You may not realize you sickness, or may not believe such illnesses exist. However, several leading experts have given proof that they do exist, so keep you eyes watching!

Thank you, and beware!

Affliction One: Excessive-Infantilizationitis

Characteristics: Commonly found in many fandoms, especially in Harry Potter Snape gen-fics, excessive-infatilizationitisis occurs when certain foolish authors give adults extremely, and unnaturally, childlike behavior. Frequently, this illness show itself most prominently when the author places abuse into his or her story, EI happens when the effects of the abuse are later discovered. Several features of this illness are, when appearing in chracters:

1. Characters walking around carrying certain objects with extreme sentimental value - although this is not nessecarily always a symptom, in some drastic cases, the illness becomes obvious when characters walk around carrying "Fred", their baby blankie their mother gave them before sacrificing her life, or dragging a plush-size teddy bear around that used to be the character's only "friend" during a time of loneliness and tiny cupboardness.

2. Thirty-year old characters gaze at people with "soft, innocent blue eyes" and suck their thumb for comfort in times of extreme distress, i.e, when Fred, the precious, precious, baby blankie, is stolen by a cruel cousin, or found missing at the dryers. (Horrible disaster, that is. You agree?)

3. Character are happy one moment, and then extremely sad within a space of three seconds, prompting someone to comfort them with fluffy and heartfelt words. Characters have the emotional development, fortitude, and behavior of, approximately, three-year old toddlers.

Degree of Danger: This disease is not contagious, and cases of it are much rarer than most afflictions. However, several readers have been known to have been admitted to the psychariatric ward because of hysterical laughter, caused by the stupity seen in pieces written by those with this affliction. Licorice Tears is a recorded case of such happenings.

Affliction Two: Sue and Stu's Disorder

Characteristics: This sickness, named after one of the first character to have been affected by this, Mary Sue, and her identical twin brother, Gary Stu. Nowadays, authors who have been struck by this order commonly name their Mary Sues and Gary Stues after meteorological terms, such as Gamma, Orion, Polaris, Halley, and Cassiopeia, or after animals, such as Raven, and in one very severe case, Lion. These characters seldom have names shorter than ten letters, and commonly sound very "elegant", like, for example, Marianna-Juliessa Arianna Isadoria Ravenslythuffledor.

Signs of this disorder:

1. The main character is a OC. OC is commonly known as a Original Character, but have also been called Obviously Cuckoos. This main character is usually the only one affected by the disorder, and so bears the brunt of it.

2. One character, possibly an exchange student, or in some cases, a teen boy, with green eyes and a scar on his forehead, who has discovered that his mother/father/grandfather/grandmother/aunt/uncle is a someone unexpected, realizes their creature heritage and suddenly, becomes extremely powerful, magical, and photogenic.

3. Everyone crowds around a single person, walking on others to become that person's friend, or to date that person. Every person of the opposite gender, and some of the same, have gigantic crushes on this person. and all the teachers and magical creatures adore this person.

Degree of Danger: This disease is middling contagious, but cases of this disorder are very, very, commonly found. This disorder can lie dormant for years, waiting until when the infected person has gained enough followers and publicity to strike. Please avoid any stories that summarize a character as something even near resembling a Mary Sue or Gary Stu as well as you can.

Affliction Three: Idiocy

Characteristics: Although this is not considered an emergency, or, even, a disease, by most people, several still view this as a dire plague, one of the most dangerous ones sweeping the fandoms. Idiocy, as defined by many leading fanfiction experts, is also publicy known by some as naivete, stupity, or !*&^%$# ! #$%%^.

Idiocy is a very wide-spread, general disease, and it is described without many specific details. However, most things deemed "extremely, extremely, stupid," or etcetera, are usually signs the outbreak or beginning of this disease.

Signs:

1. The author spews random things in little or no chronological order.

2. The writing features a ten inch long author's note, at the top and at the bottom, with only three lines of actual fiction.

3. The author spells the character's name wrong, repeatedly.

4. The author doesn't not use any punctuation, correct spelling, or proper grammar. (This condition is also sometimes called Grammarhea, a subdivision of idiocy.)

5. The author uses wrong warnings: for example, EWE instead of UST, or TBC instead of WIP.

6. The author labels the story wrong. For example, instead of darkfic, they label it songfic. (This sometimes only happens at the peak of idiocy, are is rather rare.)

7. The story is categorized in the wrong section. (Many a time, a Hurt/Comfort piece of fluff has landed in the deep, dark, dungeons of Tragedy and Angst.)

Cures: Quite often, illnesses and disorders dissolve gradually after each of dose of flamer or harsh criticism.

It is of vital importance that readers try to alert a victim of their illness, or at least make sure they themselves are not contaminated.

However, continuous medications of flamer have been proven to lower self-confidence and dissuade authors from continuing to write fanfiction. Thus, many readers have begun to depend on other, safer, but less reliable, methods.

1. The most popular method, is to ignore the author and pretend he or she does not exist. After a period of no reviews and comments, authors may choose to delete their rhinovirus-riddled story, and thus save the fandom from a gruesome piece of cold-felled writing.

2. Another method is to wait for author to grow up and find therapy for their disorder. Usually, this is practiced on authors who have a worthy plot or idea, but whose illness contaminates the story, making it unberable. Although this method takes time, it is fool-proof, and requires doing nothing but patience. After a while, the author may be cured, and will clean up the story, this time writing a healthy story, worth waiting for the author to be cured.

3. For grammarrhea, oftentimes, a good beta or two will solve the problem quickly.

In the worst cases of these afflictions, sometimes a writer can only improve so much, and so much, for that specific person, may not be a lot.

In those cases -

Run, reader, run!

(Even a cold can kill, after all.)

There were not many authors harmed in this study. Not very many, anyway.