Author's Note: Hello readers. This is just a little one-shot kind of sort of. It has nothing to do with any shows but it relates to Cam's death in a sense. This is from first person P.O.V. on someone who tried killing themselves. Just how they feel and what its life you know that type of stuff. And sorry for not updating my computer broke and is still broken. It took forever to type anything on my phone so I kind of took a hiatus until something better came along. My parents surprised me with a new windows 8 laptop. The bad news is two years' worth of writing is on that computer including Trouble chapters and other stories. Must get that fixed then I will transfer the documents and write so please bear with me! Sorry if any words are misspelled or if the spacing is off. Read, review, and enjoy! (:
P.S. This is pretty sad and listen to Breathe Me by Sia or Autumn Leaves by Ed Sheeran.
Taking My Own Life
First Person P.O.V.
I am so sick and tired of feeling like this. Am I really worth it? All those times I was left alone to fend for myself and no one cared. Did they even notice I existed? Guess not. But it's not like they will ever change their ways and start thinking about me. That is all bullshit. I am so done with this life. I can't wait until the day I die. Is there a possible way that I could stop the suffering? Yes… the only solution was killing myself. And the answer to my problems was in front of me. A rope was hanging on my ceiling fan and I was ready to pull my chair up to the fan. The moment I stepped onto that chair I would cut off the circulation in my throat and struggle for a few minutes. I would only have to feel the pain for a little longer before it all stopped. Death would overtake me and I'd welcome it with open arms. The wait was long enough already. My death surely wouldn't stir up too much trouble. The people called my parents don't give two shits about me. All the attention is focused on my two brothers. It always has been that way, they getting everything they wanted, and spending all that time that I had wanted. That was never something that sat well with me and my parents. They only seemed to get annoyed of me. Giving me anything to shut me up. That just wasn't fair to me or them. Why waste time and money on things I didn't want or wouldn't use? That just goes to show how much they pay attention to me. And that is not the only place where I felt unwanted. My old "friends" were there throughout my childhood. We were all the best of friends inside school and our families as well. More of us knew each other since birth but they moved away as we got older. For the first few years we would keep in touch but then soon that ceased as well. My last tie to sanity was in those memories we shared and I only seemed to remember them. One of my very best friends asked who I was one time when I tried talking to her over chat online. That really hurt to see how much we had drifted apart. Sure I understood that when her mom died she changed but even before that they moved away and she switched schools. Made new friends and we began seeing each other less frequently. And look at us now… I have not talked to her in four years. Four freaking years and she seems to be doing just fine without me. But I am the one that needs her. Now and she probably doesn't remember I exist, heck any time we spent together as kids. It really is a shame though. We were like sisters before. There are many other people like that. I could go on for hours but that would be boring. It's just the hurt and pain of being left behind and forgotten has finally caught up to me all these years later. Half my childhood friends I have not talked to in a good 6 years or even more but the memories will always be good. The outcome is sad. The next time we will see each other will most likely be when we have our own children and I'll pretend to be okay. Like them forgetting me and losing touch for all that time is no big deal. But in reality it is making me reach my breaking point. And I don't think I want to face them. At times I hate them or get mad at them for leaving me like that, when I needed them. Or others I would love them so much that it hurt, although that feeling never lasted long. For the last sixteen years I have been suffering my whole life from neglect and being left behind. I was always known as the quiet one and that really shaped people's thoughts about me. They don't understand that there is so much more to that persona underneath all that shyness. Believe it or not they are the leading cause for that wary state of my being. If things were different and they paid the smallest speck of attention we could all be friends and I wouldn't be here trying to kill myself. I am beyond done with this life. My friends may or may not miss me… that is not the point though. I'm doing this for myself. Personally I am glad that this is happening. I can be at peace with myself forever now. Getting up from my chair I stepped onto the top of it and placed the thick robe around my throat. First I took the remote to my CD player and turned up the music so no one would hear me. Tossing the remote aside I went ahead with my plan and pushed the chair away. I was left dangling in the air and choking from the sudden unfamiliar pressure. The feeling somewhat pleasurable. I had always found self-harm a bit appealing and this in a way was another form of it. I could tell that I was about to run out of breath completely. My eyes were closed and I thought about my life in this hell. It truly was a gift to be leaving this way. No one could bother me anymore or make any snarky comments. The hurt and abandonment would be forgotten and away. I inhaled as much as my lungs would allow me in the tight loop of the rope and prepared to take my last breath on this earth in my life. But then it happened. My mom came barging in the door with the keys and had laundry in her hands. Without noticing at first she put the clothes on my chair and was humming to herself and the beat of the song matched her whirring voice. It was not until the song speeded up that she came out of her daze and looked up at the sight of me. She screamed and jumped, hitting her back with the wall. In that moment our eyes locked and she really saw the hurt in my eyes that had been building up for years. She looked shaken to her very core but I still felt little pity for her. After all she had put me through I just didn't care anymore. Nothing seemed to matter. No words were said. My own mother left me there and did not come back at all. Not that I minded, it just proved how much she wanted me gone. I continued with my attempt and was further interrupted with sounds of sirens and talking. Police officers stepped into my room and stared in horror as I looked back, dangling in the ropes. When they touched me I fought back and begged them to leave me there to die. My mom came back and fell to her knees crying, it took her this long to realize what she could have lost and almost did out of her own spite. Was my almost death that shocking to her? Well maybe it was since she was that ignorant, still it was no excuse for her lack of treating me all those years. She could have gotten me down herself instead of calling other people to do it for her. She was scared of her own daughter. God damn it, whose side was she on? Mine or all those people against me? It seemed like she was breaking when she was me like this. What was I supposed to do, how was I supposed to feel? We never had a close relationship so this was foreign to me as well. Once the cops had gotten me down I was brought on a stretcher into an ambulance and the rest was fuzzy. I remember waking up in the hospital. To no surprise I was alone aside from the doctor. He said words but I couldn't hear him I blocked him out and turned to my side and cried. I had refused to shed a single tear over anyone who chose to leave me behind or just moved on and forgot about me. But there I was lying down and finally let it out after a long 7 years. All those times I was so close to my breaking point but held it in. Years to come I still recall every single detail of this day as if it had happened yesterday. And I still do not regret my choice to try and commit suicide. It felt right to me and still did. No matter what I did I could not be happy. The life I had lived really changed my once bubbly personality to one of a cold hearted person. But who was to blame? Me or the people in my life that had made me the person I am today? Usually in every story it ends with a happy ending. Well not mine. It has no ending, at least not yet anyway. By the end of this you may be wondering why I wrote this and what the purpose was, correct? My overall message is that no one understands what you go through unless they have experienced something similar. They may think or say they know but trust me they don't. A lot of times I felt alone and still do. It's from ignorance and the lack of people understanding me for who I truly am. My experiences may be different from yours but the same in many senses. The thought of needing to end your own life just to be happy is scary and to some selfish. But they just do not get it. Unless they are you they won't ever get it. No book could cover that. And sometimes the only way for someone to be happy is to end their own life.
Author's Note: Hey guys, this was just to tackle a suicide storyline and this is based off of someone I know who tried to commit suicide but lived through it. So I have somewhat personal experience and self-harm is never the answer. I am always here to talk if you need someone. And Cam is related to this because he committed suicide and in a sense went through some similar things. But again there are many different causes, cases, and reasons that people end their own lives. Review and Trouble will be updated tomorrow. Vacation is starting Friday so my days will be spent writng. Love you guys thanks for all the support. (;