A/N – This story starts off about six months in to the future and follows Alex on a journey back to Izzie. Set to the song 'Let her go' by Passenger.
It's an idea I've had for a while and wanted to share. I have big plans for the story, so as always any feedback really appreciated. Sometimes I find it hard to find the time or motivation to turn my ideas in to stories so thank you also to the people that inspired me to keep writing. This is for you :)
The story is rated T for now, but future chapters will become M!
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missin' home
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep
But you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go!
(Lyrics – Passenger – Let Her Go.)
Alex gripped the steering wheel tightly as he sped down the deserted Northern Californian highway. All roads having seemingly blurred in to one by this point, as he kept driving, staring robotically at the long stretch of empty road ahead. He glanced in to his rear view mirror quickly and grimaced silently, gritting his teeth together, he knew it wasn't going to be pretty, as he took in the grim reflection of his handsome face battered and bruised. His right eye was red and swollen, his cheek bone crushed and his lip split, as a small trickle of blood escaped from his broken and bloodied nose. He lifted up the back of his hand to quickly wipe it away, trying not to cry out at the searing stab of pain shooting through his side with the sudden movement. He knew he needed medical attention, but getting that back in Seattle just hadn't been an option and he was far too proud to seek it when he reached San Jose either.
'Have to keep going', 'just keep going'. He silently willed himself. He'd been driving for hours. He wasn't quite sure how he had managed it. Whether he was spurred on by the fierce adrenaline pulsing through him at the thought of what he had to do when he reached his destination, or whether it was the unbreakable fighter instinct deeply rooted inside him, or whether it was simply that he just had no other choice, at that exact moment in time he had run out of options.
As the signs for San Jose became more frequent, Alex felt himself tense up with a knot of nerves as the hospital became closer and closer. He felt the cold metal of the whisky hip flask he had stashed in his shirt pocket pressing against his chest, everything in him was screaming to take a swig, just one swing, let the alcohol numb his mind and take control of his shaken body. But he wasn't his father, he wouldn't turn himself over to drink, however tempting that might be. He would make sure he had stopped driving at least, before he allowed himself that luxury. Although, part of him had given up caring, about anything. What was the point? His life was in tatters. He had nothing. Except, the one tiny glimmer of hope his jackass lawyer had presented him with a few days before. And with that thought Alex re-focused and kept driving. Driving to find his reason to live again.
It was mid afternoon and blazing sunshine as Alex finally switched off the car engine and breathed a slow sigh of relief that somehow he'd made it. Undoing his seatbelt, he opened the car door to slide out, this time unable to stop himself from crying out like a baby with the sharp sensation of pain that hit him as he slowly manoeuvred his injured body out of the car.
Walking up to the hospital entrance wiping the small beads of sweat away from his forehead, Alex thought how ironic it was that the city he had left behind had been overcast, grey and filled with dark clouds, while the one he had arrived in was nothing but bright and shiny, filled with glorious rays of sunshine beaming down and warming his tired aching skin.
He paused at the entrance as he pulled out the crumpled piece of paper that slimy idiot of a lawyer, Campbell, had given him. Before he read it again, he reached for his whisky flask, putting it to his lips and drinking, savouring every second. He didn't care if anyone saw him, by that point he was beyond caring. Tucking the flask back in to his shirt he scanned the note and folding it up to put it back in to his pocket, he took a deep breath, before making his way in to the hospital.
The hospital was filled with the usual chaos of doctors, nurses and paramedics rushing around at top speed, all on their way to perform some kind or other of life saving procedure, whilst confused, panic stricken patients and relatives wandered aimlessly around like zombies. Hospitals had been Alex's home for longer than he cared to remember, they were all he knew now. But he was used to walking around in his scrubs and doctors coat with his head held high, whilst people looked at him with respect as a good person, someone to look up to, to aspire to, someone that saved lives. Here now, people were looking at him with nothing but pity and slight disgust, just another messed up loser walking around the hospital with a broken nose and black eyes.
Alex stopped when he saw he was on the right floor and he froze as he realized he had no idea where to go from here. Would she even be here? Did she actually work here? Should he ask someone? What would he say?
The surgical department itself looked much like it did back in Seattle, everyone moving at top speed, so caught up in their own little world that they barely noticed anything else around them. Alex glanced around him, suddenly hit with a fresh wave of anxiety. What the hell was he doing here? He was just about to approach a young friendly looking guy in scrubs striding past him, when he stopped dead in his tracks. He spotted her. Causing an intense burst of adrenaline to rocket through him. There was no doubt he was in the right place. There was no doubt it was her!
She was sat at what looked like a nurse's station. She had her back to him at first, but he knew it was her, he would recognise her anywhere, even now. Her hair was really long again like it had been when he had first known her, and it was back to it's original platinum blonde, falling down her back in loose waves, the front section pinned back and away from her face. She shifted slightly to the right so Alex could see her face, she looked deep in concentration as she read through what looked like a patient chart, sucking on the end of a pen as she repeatedly brushed a loose strand of hair away from her eye. She hadn't changed a bit, she was beautiful.
Despite all the pent up bitterness he had harboured towards her over the years, just the sight of her automatically filled him with a sense of comfort. They were practically strangers now, he had no idea what was going on in her life, but just seeing her made him feel as though he had travelled back in time. To a time when somehow life had been so carefree, when they'd been so happy, he'd been so happy. But he knew thinking like that was pointless, he couldn't change the past, no-one could. He of all people knew that!
Snapping himself back in to reality, Alex continued to watch her from afar as he wondered just what the hell he was going to say to her, how would he even begin to explain why he was there? And what would she say to him? He wondered if she already knew, if she'd found out somehow. He would know immediately by the look in her eyes if she knew, if she hated him like everyone else did. Alex was aware that she kept in touch with Cristina, and he suspected Meredith too. Cristina had casually let it slip one evening when they had been sat in his front room, while he was eating take out with Jo. Cristina had said something about how she needed to get out of Seattle for a bit, so maybe she should finally taking Izzie up on her offer to go and visit her. Alex had been so taken aback he'd nearly choked on his food at the mention of Izzie's name.
He had no real objection to his friends keeping in touch with his ex- wife. They'd been her friends first after all, but somehow he had just presumed that like him, they didn't. He had caught Cristina's eye immediately as she knew he would, and he had been certain he had detected the faintest smug smirk and at that point he hated her a little, as he'd just turned away. She'd wanted to stir a reaction, knowing full well he'd be desperate to ask a thousand questions. But he didn't. Instead he remained silent for the rest of the evening, as much as he had wanted to quiz Cristina, he knew it wasn't an option. Not with Jo there, things were strained enough as it was. Even back then. Cristina had moved out soon after that evening and the chance to bring it up with her again never arose. But it didn't stop him from wondering all the same.
He had to admit he had been pretty shocked at first to find out Izzie was working in San Jose, at one of the country's leading hospitals. He wasn't shocked she was still a doctor, he knew she would figure that out somehow, but he'd just presumed she was working in Tacoma or somewhere similar. His lawyer, the only person still speaking to him in Seattle, had somehow found out all the details on her though. Where she worked, where to find her, he'd even offered to approach her on Alex's behalf when Alex had initially put up resistance to involving her. But although Alex had been reluctant at first, he knew he had to speak to her himself. He didn't need his lawyer to tell him, if he didn't speak to her soon, it would only be a matter of time before someone else did.
Still working up the courage to approach her, Alex started to feel like some kind of crazy stalker and for a moment he wondered if it had been a mistake to come here, it wasn't too late to walk away, she would never have to know he had even been there. But before he got the chance to entertain that thought anymore, a grey haired woman in a nurses outfit walked straight up to him, she was a little plump and stern looking, with glasses perched on the edge of her nose. "Can I help you? Do you need medical attention?" she said as her eyes looked over his battered, bruised face. Alex scowled a little at the condescending look she was giving him. He knew to her he looked like any other drunken jackass, on his way to the ER after a bar brawl, trying his luck, with probably no insurance to boot either. Alex scowled a little more he had never seen eye to eye with nurses and this one was no exception, he wanted to yell at her to get out of his face, that he was a respected surgeon back in Seattle. But instead he just looked away and muttered gruffly, "No, I'm waiting for someone."
"Okay," she said suspiciously, shrugging a little as she turned to walk away. Making Alex feel just like a troublesome adolescent boy all over again.
He looked back over to where Izzie was sat and he knew he just needed to man up and go and speak to her, but just as he started to walk in her direction, she stood up. She was wearing a fitted blue dress that clung to her body in all the right places. She was still in amazing shape, so damn hot, the cancer hadn't taken that from her he thought impressed. As unable to stop his eyes from eagerly sliding over her profile, he felt his body stir for the first time in weeks, with something that resembled arousal. No matter what had happened between them, he would never stop desiring her, he knew that.
Swinging her hair behind her shoulders, she waltzed breezily over to where an anxious looking family stood, parents with two teenage children. She smiled as she approached them and her face lit up a little, her eyes shining. She was back. Not the cancer stricken woman that had left him so painfully, but the girl he had fallen so deeply in love with, the girl that changed his world. She was back.
As she launched in to some explanation to the family using big hand gestures and dramatic facial expressions, the family seemed to be hanging off her every word. She still had that affect on people, calming, reassuring. She had been a laughing stock back in Seattle on more than one occasion for her overly keen bedside manner, her habit of always becoming far too involved with her patients. But that was what made her so special, so gifted, Alex had seen that even if no-one else had, and watching her now he felt nothing but pride, that despite everything she had beaten the odds and lived out her dream to practice medicine and become a damn good doctor.
He stayed glued to the spot watching her for a further ten minutes, leaning up against the wall a little. Before the scary looking grey haired nurse came back to hassle him some more. This time she wasn't taking any crap, as she marched back over to where he was stood and snapped. "Sir, if you don't need to see anyone, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Alex knew he had to keep his cool as he looked her in the eye and said, "I do need to see someone actually, one of the doctors."
"Okay then, well follow me and I'll get you checked in and.." she said sighing a little, as he quickly interrupted her, saying firmly, "Nah, you misunderstood me, I'm not here for treatment. I'm here to speak with one of your doctors, Dr Stevens." Saying her name out loud for what seemed like the first time in years.
The nurse was silent for a second, looking confused as she processed what he'd said, and Alex wondered for a second whether that was even still her name now, before the nurse said sharply, "Wait there."
As she marched off, Alex suddenly felt sick, there was no going back now as he watched as the nurse walk straight up to Izzie. The older woman's face softening a little as she apologized to the patients, before touching Izzie's arm and leaning in to talk to her. Causing Izzie to quickly turn her head and look over to where Alex was stood. Their eyes instantly locking together as he met her gaze straight on, and everything stopped. Just for that brief moment it was as though the world stopped turning. The last three years of his life had never happened.
Making her excuses to the family she had been talking to, and thrusting the chart she had been clutching in her hand over to the nearest passing intern, Izzie quickly rushed over to where Alex was stood. Her pretty brown eyes unable to hide the complete look of shock from crossing her face. "Alex, oh, Alex," she exclaimed, her hand flying up to her mouth as she stood directly in front of him. She looked even more beautiful up close he thought, whereas he just looked like he had done ten rounds with Mike Tyson.
It should have felt awkward, but all he could feel was relief, she didn't know, he could see it in her eyes, she still looked at him the same way she always had, despite his drastic appearance. And before he could even say anything she flung her arms around him embracing him in a warm hug and despite the acute physical pain it caused him being crushed so tightly against his battered chest, he savoured every moment of it as he slowly breathed in her scent. Despite his best efforts to fight it, to move on, he had dreamed about this moment over and over, about what it would feel like to actually hold her again.
When they eventually broke apart she flashed him a shy smile as she smoothed down her dress, and he managed to force half a cheeky grin back at her, the first time he'd smiled properly in weeks as he said softly "Hey, Iz."
"My God, Alex... You still working in Seattle?" She said quickly, taking him off guard a little.
"Yeah," he mumbled, avoiding eye contact as he looked away. That was the first lie he told her!
Her wide expressive eyes still full of shock, searched his face curiously as she went on to say, "What….what are you doing here?"
Ok so what do you think? I wanted to write something a little different, but I promise this is just the beginning, things are a little dark at the moment but there are some good times ahead.