Hi! So this is the Natsumikan version of the story. And it's actually the original. This was supposed to be submitted in Christmas Eve but I was sick until now..actually that I have to deviate myself from computer for a while, but I have to submit it now. This story is about forgiveness in the name of Christmas.
What is Christmas without you? If I could only know how to forgive and forget, I'd rather stay with you.
I don't see the reason of most people why they love Christmas. And not just love. They do celebrate it with that inextinguishable warmth that touches every heart and life of the persons surrounding them. And they even have the nerve to exchange gifts with one another, sing joyfully and other stuffs that rational people won't normally do being sensitive to the happenings in their lives. Look, how can they celebrate when there were those times they almost drowned in murky waters without any strip of light shining upon them, without any concrete hope they could grip to get out alive? How can they smile when there is still pain dwelling (even in diminutive amount) inside their hearts? Won't that affect the real value and spirit of celebrating this, what they call Christmas? Because it appears that if you still have these unwelcome feelings and experiences and haven't fully recovered and moved on yet, then you might just take advantage of this season forcing it to be a pain reliever or eraser.
And people even have the nerve to forgive. Hell.
I'm not the Mikan Sakura I used to be who loved Christmas more than anything else just like the way I love my mother. Because that was the young MIkan Sakura. But I'm matured now. Suffice to say, I know better than the way I did before. I can get something fruitful out of that careful decision-making. I can manage my life even when hardships stand on my way. I can make amendments to every mistake I've done. I can control my whole system. But there are things I can't and I wonder if even genius people could be able to do those. Like doing and undoing or redoing things. This may happen in using computers, right? Hell, there are even shortcuts and controls. Another thing, I can't easily forgive and forget unlike the way I did before when I didn't have much thought what pain is and what kind of wrong should be forgiven. I just knew that all must be forgiven. But now, I'm learning the whys and hows.
Things have been different ever since that day. And simply describing it makes me want to lose all the memories I have especially those with him.
Just then as I was walking by a street leading to the academy, I passed by my friends: Anna, Nanoko, Yuu, Sumire, Koko, Mochu. All of them were wearing their best Christmas outfits ( though it was still Christmas eve). They were all in red with tinges of green. I wondered if they bought their clothing at the same time and store.
" Mikan, how have you been? Merry Christmas!" Nanoko suddenly greeted me in a cheerful tone without any hesitation. Yeah, she should have that. She should know that it was required before greeting me. Anyway, the incident last year must have been big that everyone knew what happened and noticed what it did to me.
She should know I've changed. A lot.
Because of that word "Christmas" I didn't know if I should speak or not and let them know how I felt. And that "merry" – do they even know what merry means? I'm not that excellent in English but I do know what it means. And according to that, I'm one of those who don't feel that. And never will.
But then I saw Koko looked at me, sweating. He must have read my thoughts. I preferred he said it aloud for them to know what I was thinking without hurting them directly since they wouldn't be coming out from my mouth.
He didn't. He just stared hard at Nanoko. And I knew, Nanoko got the message that she quickly apologized.
"I'm sorry, Mikan-chan..i..i'm really sorry," I swear she was at the brink of crying. Feared to taste my anger or feared to lose our friendship.
Geez, I've never been this mean before. They didn't deserve this kind of treatment from me. If anyone should deserve and live through my wrath, it should be him..and no one else.
" Uhm, we'll go ahead now, Mikan-chan, Sorry again," Anna spoke breaking the eerie silence. I wasn't sure how they saw my face. And I didn't even know how I looked ,and how I painted my mask to conceal what was to be hidden from them. Tears.
Suddenly, I found myself comforting Nanoko, resting my hand on her shoulder, rubbing it with warmth. I was wearing a worried expression and I could feel that in any moment I might as well shed those tears I've been keeping behind my eyes and have blurred my vision of life for some time.
" Iie, it's okay. I'm sorry. I hope you understand. It's not that easy. But I really never intended to pass this hatred on you. You are my friends and that's one thing that would never change. Whatever worse may happen," there. I couldn't really resist them. I felt guilt looming over me. But that statement shouldn't be called that. That was a bluff. Nothing worse than that, could ever happen to me. Nothing. It was the worst of all the worst.
In a minute, we were in a group hug. Companions really are great to be with. Too bad, as a companion yourself, you can't simply drag them down in the ocean of despair you're feeling. You have to be their savior, their protector even though, you yourself don't have someone who can be those you want and need to be.
"Merry Christmas, then!" I finally said. Though it ached me hearing myself saying those, for them, I needed to be happy. I never wanted to be selfish especially when it concerned them. The bond that had tied us together during the old times in the academy was so strong that any kind of internal or external force couldn't pull us apart.
They continued their way and I also did. Could you believe that they are already together? Yes, Anna and Yuu, Koko and Nanoko, Sumire and Mochu. They had a triple wedding. That was a history! Who would have heard of such thing?
I'm so happy for them. I was at their wedding last year. No, we were. And I even wished that we would also be marching down the aisle toward the altar when the right time comes. But it was just that the right time never came or it was more like the right time came when we never had the chance to see it coming. We let it slip..that once in a lifetime moment. Scratch that, only he let it slip.
As I was treading my path..not sure where I was headed. I saw Ruka and Hotaru. Would you believe that..Hotaru was five-month pregnant? At last, she and Ruka ended up together and now starting a life together. I remember that time when Ruka confessed to me but got no choice but to..reject it. He accepted it, too. He said he loved us both and that he was happy for us.
Then, when the dread-filled times were over, a connection suddenly sparked between the two of them. Well, of course, Hotaru never opened it up to me. All I knew was she was fond of taking pictures of Ruka for money's sake. But I've since got a hint that Ruka had some feelings for her. Why? Because he blushed and blushed and flushed and flushed. Yeah, simplicity aside, redder- closer to feverish color- than the rose type his cheeks felt for me.
"Oh, Sakura..how are you?" Ruka began while holding out an umbrella for Hotaru. Well, it was not snowing that hard actually.
" Uhm..good, How about you? I missed the two of you. How's life? And how's baby?" I talked fast. Not wanting to linger on the topic of how I was. That would be pointless. If you could only see them, they're so cute to be together. Hell, it reminded me again when people used to say we're cute to be together.
Why do I feel so nostalgic? Maybe because, I'm alone.
"I missed you, too. Yeah, we're fine…working it out. Good thing, he has the qualities of a nice husband. If not, my baka gun here is always ready," Hotaru said. I knew that she understood me and as a best friend, she could still sense that there was something wrong with me. A big part of me was lost somewhere and someone had to bring it back. But, she regained the humor. Ruka could just smile shyly.
" So, is it a girl or a boy?" I was excited to know to take part in the giving- of -name process. I have a list of female and male names here that I made a year ago when I, too, was dreaming of making a family.
But guess I expected too much.
" Mikan, it won't be known until eight months," Hotaru replied dryly. Yeah, just excited.
" Well then, Sakura, better get going, we have to-"
" Yeah, I understand. Take care always. And don't forget to call me once the baby comes out!" I said and finally waved hand to them.
Now who else would be here to talk to? Maybe, Misaki- senpai or Tsubasa-senpai. Yeah, speaking of. I think they would be celebrating a cold Christmas. They weren't together. I could never forget the day when Tsubasa-senpai asked for my help. He wanted to confess to Misaki-senpai. We made preparations and everything. They had been together for 2 years. And though it was clear for Tsubasa-senpai that it was still too early to take it on the next level and start something new, he faced what he wanted. He said he loved Misaki-senpai so much that he wouldn't afford to lose her.
Though, he had never spoken of it, I knew something was wrong between them. Sometimes, I noticed Misaki-senpai's aversion to him. Like, she grew tired of loving him. That time, I didn't want to think it that way until Tsubasa-senpai came to me the exact night of his confession.
" She wasn't sure..she said..that she has dreams..she didn't love me from the start," I heard Tsubasa-senpai said while fighting the tears. I've never heard Misaki-senpai's side because the next day, it was just rumored that she went somewhere far and nobody could tell where. Since then, Tsubasa-senpai has never been the same.
The same thing goes for me, I can never be the same after that. We almost had the same situation. Only mine was really worse. Because I was close enough to my dream, never expecting it to be shattered that way, suddenly..he..that jerk..took it from me.
My teachers. Well, I don't know their whereabouts. All I know was that they are happy wherever they are. Narumi-senpai, after giving up his love for my mother, went on with his life. Only, we didn't know exactly where, when and how. But there are times, he's sending letters to me. And he knows almost every detail of my recent life. Except that incident. He didn't need to know. I don't need extra sympathy from others. I've had enough.
See, I'm all alone. Grandpa died two years ago, and mother was killed. That and last year's incident made it clearer to me that Christmas is for nothing. Somebody may say I could celebrate it on my own. Easy for him to say, he who surely never knows the feeling of aloneness.
After long minutes of walking, I found myself infront of the scene of my doomed yesterday. Where my heart was crushed to pieces. Just the view of it brought back the tears to my eyes.
I could still remember it clearly.
Natsume and I were infront of this church that December night. He held my hand so tight that he didn't want to let me go. And I felt the same.
" Ne, Polka? Have I said it?" his voice filled with love and tender..not that nonchalant voice he used before everything started between us.
" Said what?" suddenly nervous of what he was about to say. I didn't like his mysterious words..that much.
"That I dreamed to be your husband," he then took my other hand and caressed them both.
I was shocked that I would have hugged him right then and there. We had the same dream.
"And have I said that I also dreamed to be your wife?" I replied hoping it would also give him the bliss he gave me.
From that day on, we knew by heart that we were ready to face a new life together. We were so excited that there never was a day we didn't go out together checking the status of each preparation from the invitations…wedding cake..to my bridal dress ( of course without him).
He planned on marrying me on the exact date of Christmas but then the priest said he would be busy by then and it was not the right time. So we advanced it by a day..December 24.
Natsume wanted this, saying that he could no longer wait to celebrate his first Christmas with me.
December 23 at the middle of the night, my phone rang. It was Natsume. I became curious why on earth he would call at a time like that. Maybe excited for the next day's occasion. Maybe.
" Natsume?"
" Mikan…" his voice cold and serious. I tensed.
" What is it? Something happened?"
" Just want you to know..i love you," it was barely a whisper.
I was scared though the reason was unknown. He never said those three words to me, I remembered. Why now? He could just say it to me on our wedding day.
" Natsu-" but then he hang up.
I never got a sound sleep that night. The next morning, I had known why.
All preparations were set. Only the two of us were needed to complete the wedding ambience.
When I was in the bride's car, mix of happiness and nervousness was how I felt. But happiness seemed to dominate it. I just wished Mama and Papa were here with me. But I knew, somewhere up there, they were also happy for me. While we were nearing the church, I saw worried expressions.
I got out and ran, hearing my heart pounding hard.
Natsume wasn't there. Ruka was contacting him. Hotaru was making use of some sort of an invention. And the others were also doing something I couldn't recognize because of my fear.
Has he changed his mind?
Has he backed out?
Has he fooled me?
Has he only played with me?
Has he been seeing someone else?
Doesn't he love me?
Does he hate me?
Where is he?
Those were the questions that danced inside my mind. And I've never got the answers for them.
But I patiently waited, maybe just maybe, he was caught in a traffic or something bad happened to him..but please..no!
Perhaps, this was all a play. Maybe they just put this all up to surprise me. Natsume is wise. He could devise plans like this.
But an hour passed, two hours, three hours, four hours, five hours..until all that was left in the church were my classmates, senpais, senseis and I.
I could not take it anymore. He didn't even call. I broke down and cried hard..never wanting to stop.
Hatred had come to exist inside of me. Never even taking into account that Natsume might have been caught in a grave danger or accident. Because I knew, those were all lies. Natsume wasn't human. He wouldn't be in those. I know, with his catlike skills, he would survive. And, I could still feel him… only not here with me.
Still, he was not human and humane for making me keep my hopes up that he would fulfill his promise and my dream. That we would be together.
Again, my eyes were flooded with tears and I really hoped no one would be able to see me. Now that I remembered it, this could have been our first anniversary.
I didn't even know where he was. Nobody knew where he went and the reason why he left me.
Then, suddenly, as I looked straight towards the door of the church..someone caught my eyes…and he seemed so familiar.
He turned to face me. Hell, I had tears!
Natsume.
I ran suddenly. I didn't know why I should run. I should have confronted him there. Asking him the questions piled up in my mind but instead the only thing I could do was to run.
My feet brought me to the park where he confessed.
" Polka, I want this to be quick..i want you to be mine..and no more buts. That's final," he said directly and pulled me into him. That was the start of everything.
I stopped when I recalled those lines. And I did a big mistake.
Somebody hugged me from behind and with that warmth, even without turning back to see who this person was, I know it was Natsume.
" Merry Christmas, MIkan," his voice so chilly maybe brought by the snow. But I could feel it radiating warmth. I could sense regrets.
That again. Hell…Merry Christmas, huh? He even had the face to appear and greet me that!
I broke from his hug and slapped him hard.
" Don't you ever give me that! What are you doing this time? Playing with me the second time around? Hell, Natsume, I wish I had known you better and shut you out from the very start! Do you know what you did to me? You made me hate Christmas because ever since that day, it symbolizes my wrath towards you. And you made me hate myself for trusting you! And now you'll appear like nothing happened, huh?" his face was impassive but his eyes were covered by his bangs. I throbbed at his chest.
" Natsume, do you know how humiliated I was when I waited for five hours and not even your shadow showed up? Do you know how long I cried finding reasons why you would do that? I was almost in the brim of blaming myself for reasons I don't know, jerk! So, now tell me, what exactly were you thinking when you left me? Tell me!" I could no longer hold back. This was the only way to show him his faults. Crap, I was shedding tears. Heavy tears rolled down my cheeks.
" Believe it or not, I was thinking of you that night. Persona never finished his business with me and I was scared that he would do something to you if we were to get married. He threatened me saying that he'll make your life a hell, if I were to be with you. He even said that we might not even last for a year. Mikan, I was so scared of losing you that was why I decided to be his slave and do whatever he wanted me to do just for him not to touch you," his voice was so solemn. I suddenly felt my heart softening. Hell, I still loved him. A part of me wanted to give in and forgive him but I was not finished yet.
" If that's true, then why didn't you bother to tell me?"
" Because it would make you worry, and knowing you..you wouldn't allow me to take the risk..but your life and safety were at stake and I just had to…I'm sorry. When he died because of an injury, I tried my best to find you but you were so far away..i didn't know where you were or where our friends were. There was nobody who could tell me how you were doing and if you already have a family," the last word made him flinch. Perhaps, he thought I already had. With his tone, I knew, he couldn't be lying. How could I misjudge him? I, who should know him better than anyone else. All this time, I thought..his reasons were unacceptable.
Now I know..i was wrong for not believing in him and for hating Christmas. I agree now, Christmas is a time to forgive and forget. And I'm happy I had realized it in the nick of time.
I noticed him walking away, head down. I ran to catch up with him.
I hugged him tight. I never expected it would end like this. That it would be I who would do the necessary repairs.
And then I cried. I missed him so much and now that he was here, my only wish to Santa was to give us another chance to start again.
"Natsume, I missed you so much..please stay now. Don't ever leave me again. I beg you," I could only managed to say while whimpering…and hoping.
" Yes, Polka..don't worry now. Everything's gonna be alright. As if I'll leave you. Nothing can separate me away from you, not even death. I love you, Mrs. Hyuuga," he said with a smirk as he kissed the crown of my head.
And right there, I knew Santa granted my wish. No more hating Christmas.
" I love you, too..Natsume,"
" Still, my love is deeper than any hatred I feel for you"
There. Hope you liked it. I have a question, can you really forgive after that mistake? Please Leave a review. If time permits, before Christmas break ends, I'll update Seconds of Rejection. Oh and I' ll also be submitting the RyoSaku version as well as the TsubaSaki. Oh, the TsubaSaki version, I might submit it in New Year. I'm really sick.