Quick Sand
I would be gentle with you. I'd be your everything and you'd be mine. I would never make you second guess yourself. I would never make you feel like less of a man. I would make up for all those years I wasted fearing and hating you…if only it weren't taboo. If only you weren't so obtuse….If only you weren't so deprived.
If you were to look me in the eyes and notice that spark of protectiveness that goes beyond any healthy brotherly bond, what would you do? Would you even recognize it for what it is, or simply shrug it off as an emotion you can't and will never understand? Why do you hold yourself back, and label yourself as a monster when that demon was ripped out of you so long ago? Why won't you let anyone teach you about love and affection…why won't you let me in?
You still keep that sand around yourself as a protective shield because you are too afraid to feel and take responsibility for those emotions. You say you love our village, but it's more like a sense of duty. After striking fear in the villagers' hearts for so long, you wish to make it up to them by protecting them, and repenting for you past sins.
But those sins weren't yours alone, you were just a child, and we did nothing to console you, or teach you better.
Oh, but how I want to tech you about all the things you deny yourself, all the feelings and connections you push away and sever. All those physical and emotional pleasures that you run away from; in some misguided attempt to repent for your past. For the lives you took, for the emotions of anger and betrayal that you held on to for years. But why limit yourself now? After you've grown so much? After you've become so strong, responsible, and yes, human.
Why keep punishing yourself when you know that you can smile…I've seen you do it, when you think no one's looking. You smile at little things. Things like a lone desert flower blooming during the cool evening, or the first drops of rain after the long dry season, you even smile when you see how happy the children are when you drop by the academy.
Oh, how I love it when you smile. I love the way your eyelids lower as if you're in deep thought, and how the right corner of your mouth twitches before you finally let your lips twist up into a shy smile.
The truth is that I love many things about you, and it sickens a small part of me. It hurts me, and it scares me, because every time I am by your side I wonder if Tamari notices the smile that graces my lips. Every time you speak I wonder if Tamari notices that I close my eyes so that I can hear you better. I wonder if she notices that every times you touch me on my shoulder, or brush against me I let out a small content sigh. I wonder if you notice…
Even though I tell myself to stop, and scold myself while lying in bed thinking about you, I can't help it. You're like quick sand, pulling me further in, and the more I struggle, try and get away, the faster I sink. Sometimes I blame you and I get angry at you for not noticing. For not telling me that what I'm feeling is wrong and I should stop looking at you with hungry eyes.
Other times I blame father. I blame him for taking you away from us when you were so young, for forcing you to grow up apart from us. Because, how can I feel like you are my little brother when the majority of our childhood was spent apart? How can I feel that you are my brother when our father didn't even acknowledge you as his son? How can I feel like you are my brother when seven years had already passed before I first laid eyes on you? How can we be brothers when you hated me and Tamari with all your heart when you were twelve and treated us like slaves? But, don't worry I don't hold that against you…after all it was all father's fault.
I wonder if Tamari has any unhealthy issues caused by our strange and segregated childhood…There's no need to dwell on it, and I wish I could stop thinking about you. You're always on my mind, and tonight it is no different.
I let out a sigh and throw the covers off my body, before getting out of bed. Its nights like these that I have an idea of what you went through when you couldn't sleep.
The night is always quiet and there is a great sense of loneliness that comes with being unable to sleep. Your mind keeps running ideas and thoughts through your head, some of which you don't necessarily want to think about.
Sleep lets you slip away and have peace for a couple of hours…but you never had that as a child.
I walk out onto the balcony attached to my room, shivering at the cold night air. The moon is full, and you can see the stars perfectly. Even the sky reminds me of you, and the trouble you had during the full moon. The full moon always gave you a sort of madness, not that you took the time to explain anything about it, the threats and blood lust was enough of a hint to leave you alone.
My gaze travels across the scenery, and the wind blows sending more cool air my way. I notice something out of the corner of my eye, and turn to see you…sitting on a section of the roof level to my balcony, just looking at the moon.
You're wearing a simple black tunic and slacks, similar to my own outfit, except mine has shorter sleeves and I'm not wearing a sash around my waist. I contemplate interrupting you to see what's on your mind tonight, to see why you aren't asleep. With a smooth jump I come to the conclusion that keeping you company for a while would be beneficial.
You look up to meet my eyes as I land next to you. "Why are you awake?" you ask me before I even get the chance to ask you the same thing.
"Couldn't sleep, how about you?"
"Just woke up," you mutter out. I know you don't sleep as much as the rest of us do, because of your habit of staying awake, but you usually get in three hours at least.
"Something on your mind?" You look back at the moon, the soft light catching the side of your face and making your skin look even paler then it really is.
"Sometimes…I come out here, during a full moon."
I look at you not knowing exactly what to say in response. "Do you feel restless still…on nights like these?"
"No…not at all. I am simply not tired." You explain casually, but I feel like you are leaving something out.
"Do you ever wish things were different?" I let my mind wander, just speaking to break the silence and not really committing to the topic.
"No." When you notice the surprised look on my face you continue. "I am happy with who I am, and who I am was directly influenced by who I was."
"You really have grown a lot." I nod in agreement. How can I not notice…after all we have become so much closer. I have only Naruto to thank for that.
"Thank you," you whisper out, and I let the wind play with my hair as I look up at the big round moon. "For everything."
I turn towards you and see an uncertain quiver in your usually cold eyes. "What do you mean?"
"For listening to me all those times, for supporting me in my dreams, for watching out for me." You tell me in a monotone voice, that uncertainty gone.
"That's what brothers do." They don't form crushes on their little brothers though.
"Well, then I will listen to you now, and support you. You never speak up Kankuro. If that's what brother do then why do you not share with me?" It's that simple childlike logic, which comes with being deprived a normal emotional development, that I find so endearing.
"I just never have anything to talk about," That's a lie. I'd love to talk about you…how I feel about you. How I want to wrap my arms around you, and kiss you on the forehead rocking you until you fall asleep again.
"That can't be true. You never harbor any fear and uncertainties? I know I can't give advice on many emotional subjects, but what about your career ambitions? It always seems like you are around me, never taking up many missions. Do they not interest you?"
"I think you know a lot more about emotions then you think Gaara, and I'm fine with where I'm at now." You look at me hard as if you're seeing right through me.
"Tamari has been dating someone recently, he makes her very happy. You should find someone as well." You say it like you're stating that the weather is hot. Dating…another rule of society that you picked up on and see as being normal. Sometimes it's funny how you have such a shallow understanding of how the world works.
"Yeah I know, she's told me about him, but I'm not interested…" I can't finish my sentence, because I am interested in dating, and in love; I just can't lie to you like that.
"I suppose I understand. But, there must be something on your mind, you are not that empty headed, Kankuro." I smirk at you for that statement, but just shake my head. "Then why can't you sleep?"
The question was like a knife. After all those questions and easy going conversation, you bring that up like you've caught me with my hand in the cookie jar.
"I've just been thinking, and the constants thinking kind of gets in the way of sleeping." I say playfully hoping the light tone will deter you from pushing it.
"If you think so much that it interrupts your sleep then you must not be thinking about pleasant thoughts." You tell me, making perfect sense.
I don't reply but simply look out at the sky. I don't want to tell you, I don't want you to know how sick I am. How much I long for you.
Your slender hand comes to rest on my shoulder and I fight the urge to cover it with my own. "Brothers tell one another about their troubles."
Yes, they do. However, older brothers don't think about their little brothers the way I think about you. I'm sure you know that much about society. I'm sure if I were to tell you how I feel, you would know that it's taboo. You would know to be disgusted with me and you would run away. I couldn't bear to lose you, so I will just suffer quietly.
Your hand slips away and I feel cold. I instinctively rub the area where your hand was, and it still tingles screaming for your touch to return. You look at me oddly and I remove my hand hoping I haven't insulted you.
"What are your dreams, Kankuro?" You ask simply, your green eyes looking past me and into my soul expecting me to tell you nothing but the truth.
"For you and Temari to be happy." I say truthfully because this is really what I want. I want my siblings to be happy, and if they are happy, I am happy. Even if that means that I must deny my own needs and desires.
"That's a rather selfless dream." You mutter out and look out at the full moon. "Isn't there anything you want for yourself?"
Why are you pushing this? It's like you're begging me to spill out my heart and tell you how I really feel.
"What do you want for yourself?" I turn the question back around, hoping that this way I can avoid answering it myself.
"I'm not sure, I am content for now." You tell me calmly and your eyes stare at me expectantly….but I still don't want to answer your question.
"I suppose I'm like you, I'm content." I say simply.
"How can your life be so care free?" You question me.
"I guess I don't let a lot of thing bother me, or dwell on things," Except on you. I dwell on you, and it bothers me that I can't tell you that you are always on my mind.
"I think…" you pause for a moment and look down at your hands. "I think you are hiding something from me. Why?"
I can't help but stiffen up, and feel guilty. "What makes you think that?" I try not to stutter but my voice does sound uneven. Have you looked past me? Have you finally noticed my odd behavior?
"I open up to you, do you think I'm too emotionally inept to help you?" There is no anger in your voice, just curiosity.
"No Gaara. You've grown a lot, I wish you would have more faith in your humanity."
"I would, if I could exercise my humanity more." The breeze catches a couple of your strands covering up the symbol of love carved into your forehead.
"In what way?" I question.
"By talking. Learning from other people's emotions, and circumstances. I want to be able to talk about how I feel, and understand what I feel. I want to know how people around me feel and how that effects their mood and my interaction with them."
"You're doing just fine. I think you understand how to interact with people. And even the average person sometimes doesn't understand their own feelings." Like how I don't understand my obsession with you. I don't understand why I can't stop wanting to protect you and hold you, to make you happy and smile.
"Really?" you're eyes scan over me as if to check that I'm not lying to you.
"Yeah, emotions can be complicated, everyone has moments were they don't know how to deal with them. It's not just you."
"Are you confused about anything?"
Again an uneasy feeling settles into my stomach, and I fidget a little. I open my mouth ready to lie, but as I look into your innocent eyes I can't help but tell the truth, "yes."
"About what?" I want to tell you, maybe I'm tired of suffering, maybe I'm tired of worrying that Temari will notice my unhealthy brotherly love. Maybe a part of me was simply holding on to the hope that you might return my feelings. Or maybe I just wanted to be rejected so that I could move on.
"I…I'm confused about how I feel…" I pause looking at you. Do I really want to risk our relationship, and your trust in me? Would you just push me away and crawl back into your little sand shell. Will telling you damage you? Then again what do you really know about love? How mad can you get about me harboring an emotion that you hardly understand?
"I'm confused about how I feel about you." I breathe out and my eyes don't leave your face. I don't want to miss a moment. Your face doesn't contort into disgust or hurt, you simply wait for me to explain. But where should I start? What should I say? How can I make you understand?
"I'm sorry," you tell me, squeezing my shoulder before getting up, as if it's your fault that I'm confuses. You are blaming yourself, having jumped to some conclusion, a conclusion that demonizes you.
"Gaara wait." I reach out for your wrist and hold on tightly. I can feel the grainy sand that covers your skin, and it almost hurts to have the grains rub against my hand. "I don't think you understand."
"I do, I haven't always been kind to you or Temari. I appreciate you listening to me and being my brother despite our past."
"No, Gaara, I don't hate you and I don't hold our past against you. No it's—"
"It's fine Kankuro, I understand." Your voice is cold and detached.
I pull you close to me and you fall against my chest. "Stop thinking the worse." I whisper out and you look up at me with confusion.
"Kankuro?"
I throw caution to the wind. I can't stand to see you blame yourself, I can't stand to see you hate yourself. I want you to love yourself, like I love you. I want you to understand how happy I can make you. I want to teach you about that emotion you keep denying yourself. That emotion which your angrily carved into your skin.
So I lean in and kiss you softly against you abrasive lips. The sand shield shifts under my touch and brushes harshly against my lips before finally falling away. Now I can taste you, and I can feel your soft lips against mine. This is really you, and I wrap my arms around you pulling you closer and deepening our kiss.
Tentatively your hand brushes against my chest, sliding up to grab a hold of my shoulder. It rest there for a moment, and I tilt my head running my tongue across your satin lips. But then you start to push at my shoulder and I pull away looking into your eyes. Fearing that you will reject me, but also wishing for it.
"I..." Your eyes scan over my face and your hand fists itself into my shirt. I bring my hand up to touch your cheek.
"I'm confused about how I feel about you, because I love you. I love you and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself and I don't know why."
Your grip tightens but you don't shove me away. My fingers trail into your short hair, and I feel the sand in the strand pull away allowing me to really touch them. I wait for you to speak. To say that you don't understand, that no one could love you…I just want you to say something; anything.
"Why?" You whisper out and your eyes drop down to look at my lips. "Why shouldn't you love me? Am I unlovable?"
Your words stab me straight in the heart. "No, god no. It's just that we're related; brothers don't usually fall in love." All this time I thought you were aware of that taboo.
"But family loves one another."
"But not in that way, Gaara. Love and falling in love are two different things. "I don't know how to explain it to you.
You lean in closer to me, a worried look plainly covering you face. "I like to be around you, I like to talk to you…I liked that you kissed me. Why do you people make love so complicated?"
I let go of you, and stare at you with disbelief. That simple statement had so much wisdom behind it, and this whole time I thought you did not understand love. Perhaps you understand it better than everyone else does.
"I don't know."
"I am not always sure about how I feel." You start to explain, pulling away from me, and I see your sand coming around you, to shield you. "What I do know is that many people have talked about loving me. Many women claim to love me. But, I do not trust them, I do not like them, I do not find them attractive. They are simply interested in my power. It is the way they look at me…it made me notice the way that you look at me."
I look into your emerald eyes. I thought you would never notice the way I act around you.
"The way you look at me, is almost the same way so many women look at me, but there is something different. I like it. I trust you, I am comfortable with you. I want to know what that look means, what you feel, I want to feel it too. I want to know, Kankuro, and you are the only one I trust enough to teach me."
You pause and look at the moon with sad eyes. "Does that mean anything? I don't want to hurt you…I don't want to end up not giving you what you need."
"I think it means something. I think, you are not giving yourself enough credit."
"I want to love you, but I don't know how."
I could die. My heart actually stops beating and for a moment I believe I did die. All those times I've dreamt of you, all those times I watched you and longed for you, I never imagined anything like this. I open my mouth to say something; maybe to thank you. However nothing comes out and I am at a loss for words.
Your hand comes up to shut my mouth, before you lean in slowly and give me a peck on the lips. That innocent and simple kiss unravels me completely and I hold you close to me. So close that we almost melt together, and I push my lips against yours like I dreamt of doing for so long.
The End