A/Ns: So yeah, I have so many other fics, but I'm trying to finish those, so I'm holding my updates until I can complete them. From a Shell will be updated soon (yes, has been said before. I'm almost done with the fic so expect them soon).
I'm not very confident in this work, so if you guys have some love for it, lemme know. It'll go a long way for a writer's soul.
Also, I want to say THANKS for everyone who read/reviewed/kudos'd How to Save a Life. You guys made it my most commented/kudos'd fic ever. That made me feel so good, you guys don't even know! I appreciate every comment and kudos because I know how easy it is to skip that!
There will be 2 chapters: one told through Clint pov as he submits reports and two as a more traditional approach but with Coulson's pov.
Warning!: Some mentions of suicidal thoughts. Please be aware of this.
Title comes from "Never Let Me Go" by Florence and the Machines.
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
It's been three days since your funeral and I don't think I've slept since.
The service was nice. I think Tony shed a tear. I know Pepper did. Thor missed it, he's still on Asgard. Steve wore his Captain America uniform for you. I think he's a bit depressed that he never got to know you. Fury gave a great speech about how you were the best of men.
Tony held your wake at the Tower. There was a nice turn out. Food was decent, even if some of it was a bit weird. I think he's feeling guilty, don't know what for.
Did I mention he's building a Tower for the Avengers? It looks like shit right now, but I'm betting the guy has enough money to make it nice. Going to have my own floor and everything. It beats the Hellicarrier's barracks that's for damn sure.
Pepper told me all about you during the time when things were going down between Stark and Obadiah. She's a nice woman and seems deeply heartbroken by your death. I guess no one told her I was the reason you're gone.
Fury made Sitwell my new handler. Your body is barely in the ground and things are moving on like it doesn't matter. Like they've forgotten all about you.
I haven't forgotten. Doubt I can.
Nat's not talking about you, I think it is still too fresh for her. She won't admit it, but I think she has been crying at night. Whenever I try to bring what happened up she swears at me in Russian and walks off. Don't blame her. You were the only government man I think she's ever trusted... maybe one of a few actual men she trusted. She won't talk to Fury yet.
Some time, I think. She'll be better when she's had some time. I hope anyway.
Don't think I'll sleep tonight.
Status Report Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
Spent the day working with Stark. I completely understand why your face got tight when you talked about him.
There were some arrow prototypes he wanted me to go over with him. I think he's been a bit lonely since Bruce took off with Romanoff for some yoga retreat. I'm not sure if I was reading him right, but it almost seemed like he wanted to broach talking about how I am, but I think he realized that it was better if he just backed off.
Then Steve came down and they got into a huge argument. I wonder if they realize they sound like an old married couple. It was amusing to watch. I honestly kept expecting them to kiss and start making out against a wall.
They should, even I realize they have enough sexual tension between them to fuel the Hellicarrier for a year.
Nat got sent out on a mission. Short one, recon in Bolivia. I am still being cleared by the SHIELD shrink. Haven't told her about these, haven't told her much of anything. I've found her face gets real scrunched up when I talk about how I use go hooking after missions to find the really horny guys to fuck me.
It passes the time anyway.
Yes, I know, I can hear your disappointment from beyond the grave. I know I shouldn't make things difficult; I'm only delaying the inevitable. I will have to talk about it sometime.
I just wish it could be with you.
Status Report Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clinton Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
Woke up screaming for you tonight. Didn't think people actually did that. Guess I was wrong.
Maybe I shouldn't have viewed the footage from the day you were attacked. Oh, don't look at me like that. You know they didn't give me access. But I had to know and no one has changed your codes.
Even impaled from that fucking spear, you managed to take Loki down a peg. You really were the best of us. And I let you down, for that I won't be able to tell you how much you mean to me. Or how sorry I am.
I wonder if the code to Tony's liquor cabinet is still the same. Fuck, who cares? I can break in either way.
Status Report Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
Told the therapist about Loki. Didn't want to but she said she wasn't going to clear me until I told her something about the time. So I told her that he made me wear women's clothes and parade around in front of him and his men.
She wasn't amused.
I guess you were right, I am the only one who finds me funny.
She asked me if I had grieved for you yet. Like it was something I could set aside time to do, pencil it in on my calendar. "Yoga with Nat' 9 am, 'Grieve for the best thing I've ever known' 10, 'Play with Thor on Wii' 11."
I told her that I was doing my best. I don't think she believed me. Like I give a fuck.
Tony and Steve are still dancing around one another. They had another huge fight about Tony's safety in the field. (It wasn't a big deal until his gauntlet came off but he was fine). It was super obvious that Captain America is having feelings for the genius idiot.
It reminded me of that time in Barcelona with the sniper when you ran across that courtyard. You had scared me so badly, that I called you a reckless idiot, in front of Sitwell no less.
Did it sound the same? Was it obvious to Jasper that I was so hopelessly gone on you? I wanted to hold you down and check every inch of your skin to make sure you were in one piece. Even then, I don't know if it would have calmed the fire that had been burning in me.
I think about it now and it hurts. I lay awake and just think about the countless times I could have told you, that I could have kissed you. How many times do you think I was inches away from you and let the moment slip by? 10? 15? More? 50? 100?
Nat tried to talk to me about you. She brought up Moscow, with you bundled up in that parka, making everyone's life hell because you were cold. For the first time in over a month, I heard her laugh. I can see it in her eyes, she misses you so fucking much. She hates reporting to Jasper. Doubly so for Hill. I don't know why she's got it out against Hill, but for right now their on the outs. Just what SHIELD needs, more rifts.
How long can this go on? How long do you think I've got before I can't smell your aftershave? Or feel you against me, holding me close from some foreign enemy like in Beijing? When will these things fade? Will it bring peace, Phil, to forget you? Or when it all dissolves from my brain, will my heart go to?
It might be better that you aren't around to get these reports.
Status Update Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
Therapist finally cleared me for active duty. Yeah, I finally caved a bit and told her I was writing letters to you. I left out the part where they are the same reports it took you my first six months to even get me to look at. She asked if I had sent them, and that it isn't healthy if I'm thinking that you might be reading them.
The thing is I don't think you're reading them. I know you're not. We buried you for fuck's sake. Therapy is dumb. Stupid Fury said it was mandatory. I seriously doubt there is a rule for employees needing x amount of sessions with shrink after being mind-controled by alien god via shiny stick of doom.
Well, now there might be.
Either way I don't care what she says. You bitched and moaned for nearly ten years about me submitting reports to you. The hell I'm stopping now. So until they get around to deleting you from the system, I'm going to keep sending them.
Hell, probably even after.
Status Report Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
Well, they finally figured it out. Tony and Steve, I mean. Took long enough, Nat and I found them making out on the sofa. Cap turned a funny shade of red, well, I laughed. Hey, you would have laughed too if you had seen the great Captain America turning the color of a tomato over some kissing.
Tony tried to cover it up, muttering about bets and they were friends. But when Steve glanced to him, looking wounded, the great playboy himself caved and said they were dating. Nat even congratulated them. She got this wistful look in her eyes though, so I'm wondering if she's seeing someone on the sly again. It probably isn't serious yet if she hasn't told me.
I'm happy for Steve and Tony, but goddamn it, now they're all lovely dovely and shit. Not overtly so, but still. There are kisses here and there, at breakfast, after battle...etc. They lean on each other when they're tired. Snuggle on the couch. Fuck, Phil, I can't stop thinking about us being able to do that.
Would you have ever openly kissed me like that? Hold me up when I run myself into the ground? Soothe me when I crack my ribs? I'm driving myself mad I think.
We had a small battle against some low time villian who thought robots were going to help him take over the world. In the middle of the battle, Jasper was not getting his updates fast enough and Stark snapped at him. Told him, "Jesus, Coulson wasn't this much of a nattering nanny!"
The rest of the battle was near silent.
Status Report Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
Jane came for a visit. Plus that little spunky sidekick she has came along, Darcy, you remember? They were getting some consulting done with Selvig and Tony and Bruce. All of it was over my head. Like up in the galaxy over my head. Maybe even above that.
Still it was nice to have them around, especially for dinner. Jane talked a lot about Thor, and how much she missed him (he's back and forth to Asgard most days). I could commiserate there. They told us about Thor's first arrival in New Mexico. We all laughed when Darcy proudly proclaimed she tasered the god.
I mentioned my part in the security around the hammer, both Jane and Darcy lit up about that. I told them how Thor tore his way through security. It was nice to tell a story that didn't leave me feel like I was going to start crying. I was telling how you told us all to stand down, when Darcy pipped up asking where you were, and why weren't you there.
God, you could have heard the Earth rotate it got so quiet. Steve gently informed them that you had passed away during Loki's attack. It was like I couldn't breathe Phil. I had to get out of there.
It's not prideful, but I hid the rest of their visit. Natasha sat below the vent and tried to talk me out, but eventually she muttered about reporting to Hill and that she would be back later.
After they left, I found Darcy had left me a note, apologizing and leaving a number to contact her if I wanted to talk.
You would have gotten along well with her, I think. Now, you're just a vague memory for them and painful ache in the chest for me. Fuck, I miss you.
Status Report Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
I thought about it again. I know we agreed that I would keep active, keep those thoughts back, and tell you if anything happened to trigger those thoughts.
Well, I killed you. Those thoughts were triggered. And now, they're stronger than ever.
Nat stayed with me last night, she's the only one who knows how bad it can get. She's the only one I trust with it. At least now anyway.
We slept on the bathroom floor, like you and I use to when things got bad. Well, when I say we slept, I tried to, I really did. I know you would be pissed if you could see the bags under my eyes.
She sang that Russian lullaby that she likes when she's upset. We sat there the entire night, until I could breathe enough to get her to leave. I'm pretty sure she didn't go far.
And then...I cried. I didn't want to, but I kept thinking about that night in Brazil and just lost it. I remember when you had to share a tent with me so we could keep one eye on the locals. You stripped down to that under shirt and cleaned your guns and muttered things in French to put me to sleep. That was when I knew I loved you and I wanted to tell you so bad but I fell asleep before I could get the nerve.
I remembered your smell and how you ate Tums the entire trip and swore under your breath about how Intel was going to get your foot up their ass. I thought about you holding me tight when we spent the night up that tree being chased by our own guides. You wouldn't admit you don't like heights, and I wouldn't have made you loosen your grip for the world.
Why did I wait? Why did I not kiss you that night when you woke me an hour after my shift was supposed to start because you wanted me to rest? I wanted to. I wanted nothing else in the world. And now you're actually gone.
It's not fair to miss you this much.
Status Report Complete
CB
...
Status Report of SHIELD Operative
Agent: Clint Francis Barton (Hawkeye)
Send to: Agent Philip J. Coulson (Handler)
Details of Update:
I opened this to tell you about how I couldn't sleep, again I know. Then I thought god, Coulson's gone, how can he care anymore if I sleep or not? It felt like a punch to the gut, because shit, you're dead. And I can't keep doing this.
So, this is going to be the last one. The last report that I'm going to file. Maybe I shouldn't even send this one, but I feel like I need to. I need to have some kind of closure before I... well you don't need to know about what's likely to happen in the future.
Natasha stays with me at night. She won't let me alone long enough to piss most days. She asks me if I'm spiraling...if I'm unraveling. I don't know how to answer her. Don't know what will make her feel better the truth or a lie.
Hill reassigned our missions to other agents without a word from Nat. I think she might be a little sweet on our Russian spy. Maybe when I'm gone they can move on together. Maybe they'll have the life we should have had. They could settle into spy life together, really learn to trust each other, become a great team, go out and save the world. Then at the end of the day they could keep each other from drowning. That's what Tasha needs. She needs someone to know when to pull her back and when to let her go. Someone to hold her at night when she's scared she's losing her humanity. Someone kind to love her even when she swears she doesn't need love. Maria Hill would be a good match. She's smart and dedicated, loyal, but she's kind enough to keep Nat safe.
Maybe that's what both of us needed. Someone rock solid and stubbornly wonderful to us pair of screwed up assassins. I hope she never loses Hill, never knows what it feels like when the ground has been ripped from underneath and it's all free-fall with nothing to hold on to.
I know you can't worry, so that makes me feel better. You won't know when I leave, because I am going. Staying reminds me too much of you, and honestly, I want to go with what's left of my heart and soul. The rest stays with you.
One last goodbye, Philip. I hope you've found peace, you deserved it more than anyone I've ever known.
I love you.
Status Report
Complete
CB