Hi! So this is the RyoSaku version of the story. This was supposed to be submitted in Christmas Eve but I was sick until now..actually that I have to deviate myself from computer for a while, but I have to submit it now. This story is about forgiveness in the name of Christmas.

What is Christmas without you? If I could only know how to forgive and forget, I'd rather stay with you.

I don't see the reason of most people why they love Christmas. And not just love. They do celebrate it with that inextinguishable warmth that touches every heart and life of the persons surrounding them. And they even have the nerve to exchange gifts with one another, sing joyfully and other stuffs that rational people won't normally do being sensitive to the happenings in their lives. Look, how can they celebrate when there were those times they almost drowned in murky waters without any strip of light shining upon them, without any concrete hope they could grip to get out alive? How can they smile when there is still pain dwelling (even in diminutive amount) inside their hearts? Won't that affect the real value and spirit of celebrating this what they call Christmas? Because it appears that if you still have these unwelcome feelings and experiences and haven't fully recovered and moved on yet, then you might just take advantage of this season forcing it to be a pain reliever or eraser.

And people even have the nerve to forgive. Hell.

I'm not the Ryuuzaki Sakuno I used to be who loved Christmas more than anything else just like the way I love my grandma. Because that was the young Ryuuzaki Sakuno. But I'm matured now. Suffice to say, I know better than the way I did before. I can get something fruitful out of that careful decision-making. I can manage my life even when hardships stand on my way. I can make amendments to every mistake I've done. I can control my whole system. And I know now when to bush and when to hide my feelings. But there are things I can't and I wonder if even genius people could be able to do those. Like doing and undoing or redoing things. This may happen in using computers, right? Hell, there are even shortcuts and controls. Another thing, I can't easily forgive and forget unlike the way I did before when I didn't have much thought what pain is and what kind of wrong should be forgiven. I just knew that all must be forgiven. But now, I'm learning the whys and hows.

Things have been different ever since that day. And simply describing it makes me want to lose all the memories I have especially those with him.

Just then as I was walking by a street leading to the Seishun Gakuen, I passed by my Senpais: Eiji, Oishi, Fuji, Tezuka, Kaidoh, Inui, Kawamura. I'm already like them..a grown-up. But they have their own families now. And I have none. What a great difference! All of them were wearing their best Christmas outfits ( though it was still Christmas eve).

I wondered why they were not with their own families. Obviously, usual fathers should be with their families in this time of season. It's one of the special times to be spent and cherished together with their own families, as people say.

But then, how could I overlook the fact that their bond remained strong as ever? Though, they've given up their chances of becoming tennis pros for the sake of their new lives, the friendship was never extinct. Really, true friendship might be one of the rare relationships that could be considered as forever, though not permanent.

There is a distinguished difference between those two. Forever- the bond is there no matter what, unstable or untouched, old or new, broken or mended, lost or not. In the case of being permanent- the bond goes on without any trace of disruption or destruction…it's constant as ever.

But in my case..i had just been in a relationship where there was no Permanent nor Forever. Only Temporary and Conditional.

And hell, it hurts.

Tch. So, where was he? Wasn't he supposed to be with them? Anyway, how could he when he wasn't even a father? How could he know the feelings of his Senpais when it comes to talking about their children?

Hope he'll get envious. Hope he'll regret that day.

" Sakuno-chan, how have you been? Merry Christmas!" Eiji-Senpai suddenly greeted me in a cheerful tone, as always, without any hesitation. Yeah, he should have that. He should know that it was required before greeting me. Anyway, the incident last year must have been big that everyone knew what happened and noticed what it did to me.

Because of that word "Christmas" I didn't know if I should speak or not and let them know how I felt. And that "merry" – do they even know what merry means? I'm not that excellent in English but I do know what it means. And according to that, I'm one of those who don't feel that. And never will.

I perfectly understand that Eiji-senpai has this deeply inclined positive disposition in life, but then as a Senpai, I think he should know better. He should know, I've changed a lot.

Yet I regret almost hating him when he shouldn't be the one receiving this hatred.

How pity of me.

But then I saw Fuji-senpai looked at me, studying the expression I was wearing. He must have made a wild guess about the churning of my feelings inside. I preferred he said it aloud for them to know what I was thinking without hurting them directly ,since they wouldn't be coming out from my mouth.

He didn't. He just stared hard at Eiji-senpai. And I knew, he got the message that he quickly apologized.

"I'm sorry, Sakuno-chan..i..i'm really sorry," I swear I saw small drops of tears forming in his eyes, had he not been a man, he would have shed those infront of a girl.

What the hell was happening to me? Thinking of these rude things about my Senpai.

Geez, I've never been this mean before. They didn't deserve this kind of treatment from me. If anyone should deserve and live through my wrath, it should be him..and no one else.

I couldn't withstand seeing the unreadable faces of my Senpais. I didn't know if there was some kind of contempt there, of anger, of concern, of sympathy..and so many ofs.

I hugged Eiji-senpai and apologized.

" I'm sorry, Senpai. Time hasn't healed it yet," I finally decided to let them know what I was feeling. As I grew up, I learned how to share my own feelings, be it positive or negative for the sole purpose of imparting what I conceive.

And surely, with my tone of voice filled with solitude, they knew that what I conceived was letting go and moving on in my free will.

And then each one of them spoke to me with such solace. I could never ask for more. All of them even shared a little about their past experiences about this thing. And I loved their advices.

But they weren't for me. No one had experienced what I had.

I could still remember attending their weddings and the baptisms of their children. It gave me an overview of my dream, leaving me the impression of these moments as the most wonderful thing to happen in my life as a human.

But now, I was deprived of my dream. And I didn't even know what I could have done so wrong that my dream of creating a complete family was now in smithereens.

And though words can really be so comforting, nothing could be done to efface the affliction.

" Uhm, we'll go ahead now, Sakuno-chan, Sorry again," Eijji-senpai said as he gave me one last hug.

"Merry Christmas, then!" I finally said. Though it ached me hearing myself saying those, for them, I needed to be happy. I never wanted to be selfish especially when it concerned them. The bond that had tied us together during the old times, the cheering times in the Seishun Gakuen was so strong that any kind of internal or external force couldn't pull us apart.

And then, off they leave .

I was again..alone.

As I was treading my path..not sure where I was headed. I saw Tomoka and Horio. Would you believe that..Tomoka was five-month pregnant? And they had one girl already. The name is Tori. At last, she and Horio ended up together and now starting a life together. I remember that time when it was like raining cats and dogs because of them. Their arguments were a good source of alarm clock, as in those which can make someone crawl out of his bed.

"Oh, Sakuno..how are you?" Horio began while holding out an umbrella for Tomoka while carrying Tori. That must be hard for him. Well, it was not snowing that hard actually.

" Uhm..good, How about you? I missed the two of you. How's life? And how's baby?" I talked fast. Not wanting to linger on the topic of how I was. That would be pointless. If you could only see them, they're so cute to be together. Hell, it reminded me again when people used to say we're cute to be together.

" How about you, cute little Tori..how are you?" I added pinching her cheek gently.

Tori suddenly hid behind Horio. She was frightened of me? Do I not fit as a mother that I scare away children unintentionally? Maybe that was it. That was why I lost her.

I never had the qualities of a good mother or a wife.

I hate this throbbing pain. It shouldn't be here. I should be pushing my life to go on without it.

Oh, How could I ?

"I missed you, too. Yeah, we're fine…working it out. Good thing, he has the qualities of a nice husband. And that makes our bickering less often," Tomoka said. I knew that she understood me and as a best friend, she could still sense that there was something wrong with me. A big part of me was lost somewhere and someone had to bring it back.

Good thing, there was no need for me to hear those words again or else…I would be dead.

" So, is it a girl or a boy?" I was excited to know it..to assess it. Wouldn't you know that I once did that? I listed feminine names and assessed each one of them. I even mixed our names in the cutest way as possible.

But I never even saw her.

" Sakuno, it won't be known until eight months," Tomoka replied.

Suddeny, the snowed poured down heavily in thick flakes.

" I think you better get going or else, Tori might get sick and baby…," I advised them. Of course I was worried. Though I wanted companions right now, there was suddenly an urge that I had to break free from them and that something important was up on my way.

" Okay then, Sakuno, see you! Don't worry, you'll be the first to know if it's a girl or a boy," Tomoka grinned and they walked on.

I also continued when suddenly I passed by an Appliance Center and the on-sale Television was displayed. And then, a report came up about him..winning the recent tournament in America.

Oh..yeah.. I remembered it was also the main Sports news few days ago. He sure is moving on. Anyway, that's his dream - to win all tournaments and become a tennis pro. He couldn't be like Senpais who gave up their dreams for their families and children.

Simply because he doesn't have any of his own.

And then the memories started to flood.

I could remember it clearly.

Ryoma lost in a certain tournament and was so depressed that he even came to our house. Actually, Grandma had always invited him to come over with a reason not clear to me. But I was sure it was not tennis-related since she had said to me once that Tennis should be discussed there in the court and not at home. That was when I kept on asking her about Ryoma's progress.

Having the thought, well..that could be her reason.

But Ryoma was drunk and I never expected him to do such a thing because of defeat!

Perhaps he needed comfort that time from Grandma..but she wasn't home, said she had to attend some meetings.

I didn't know what had gone into our minds and we committed a mistake.

A big mistake.

I decided to keep it a secret and since then no words were exchanged between us.

And then there, after a week, I found out. I decided to tell it to Grandma first to help me what to do.

I was really crying hard that time because I knew this wasn't a result of Love. This was purely an unforgivable mistake.

My grandma – though I knew she had a grave difficulty of accepting it- forgave me. I also knew that she was controlling her anger that time.

We went to Ryoma's residence and Grandma told his parents what the case was in the most peaceful way. His mother could only cry and I felt really guilty.

He was there standing impassively.

Nanjiro-san and Grandma decided to correct what we had done wrong. They arranged us into marriage.

I knew it was wrong to feel but I was so happy when we made all the preparations, aunt..err..mother Ringko- she and Nanjiro-san gave me the permission to call them Mom and Dad- and Grandma helped with all those stuffs.

But I always saw Ryoma blankly staring somewhere. I knew that he took that as his downfall, his failure of reaching his dream.

It was the happiest and unforgettable moment in my life when I walked down the altar and he took my hand ( though unwillingly).

He even paused for a minute before answering that matrimonial question. I was relieved he answered it 'yes'.

And then he kissed me on the cheek though I didn't even feel it.

But things had been clear to me when he said that,

" I'm only fulfilling my responsibility, hope you're not taking this any other please, don't stand on my way," he said it nonchalantly devoid of any affection for me and for our baby.

The words stung but I had to be strong for baby. It was enough that my baby has a father even though I don't have a husband.

Still, I did everything to be the best wife I could be..cooking breakfast and lunch and dinner for him; keeping the house clean; being a friend to him whenever he needed one..unfortunately, he never needed me.

I endured all this pain for eight months. And since I was excited for my baby to come out, I asked for Grandma and mom's help to buy clothes, milk bottles, and toys for my baby. And based on the ultrasound, it was a girl. And I wanted to name her Yuki ( Ryoma + Sakuno = Yuki? Yeah. Laugh at that)

I wanted to ask for his opinions but he seemed not to care about our daughter's being.

One day, we had an argument.

" We need to talk..you know we couldn't live like this..not with our baby coming on the way!"

" There's nothing to talk about..i've made it clear to you. If you want a father for her, I can give that. But if there's anything else you want from me ,better stop dreaming,"

Why was he so mean? It was not that way. I just wanted to create an atmosphere of warmth and affection in our home..for our baby. I didn't want her seeing us like that. It was enough that I suffered. She mustn't.

But before I could even voice those words out, Ryoma had left and slammed the door. He had a tournament again.

I broke down and cried. There was nothing I could do anyway.

Drowned by the depression I was feeling, I suddenly felt not right. I looked down and hell…I was bleeding and it pained me.

The nearest thing for me to reach was my phone. I needed to seek for help. I couldn't contact Grandma and I was losing the strength to text her. Mom and Dad had gone to America last week.

Ryoma was the best choice to call. I dialed his numbers quickly and pressed the call button.

It took 20 seconds for him to answer. And just when I was about to tell him.

" I'll be playing…just call later," and then he hang up. I tried again but this time it was already unattended.

Now, the thick blood was uncontrollably flowing. I couldn't scream for help. I could just cry.

Suddenly, the door opened.

" Sakuno..i came to vi-," Grandma was bringing bags of groceries when she saw me and threw them.

She rushed me in the hospital. And then it was all black.

When I opened my eyes, I frantically touched my tummy and it wasn't bulging anymore. I suddenly felt frightened.

I called for Grandma. She had tears in her eyes.

" Yuki..is gone," she said hugging me.

I burst out crying. I kept on shouting and denying it…saying that this was all a dream. What a nightmare in this Christmas Eve.

But I knew it was real.

And then, I saw him..that jerk…Ryoma. Grandma turned to leave.

He even had the nerve to face me!

He approached me.

" I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry," his voice was filled with loneliness, too. I knew he cared, I knew he was sincere. But it was just too late for that. How could he return the life of my baby with that?

" This was all your fault! Why did you have to kill my baby? You said you could be a father! But what? Because of that tennis..that hell dream…my baby died! Do you think I could ever forgive you! I shouldn't have just married you..i shouldn't have just trusted you..i shouldn't have relied on you. I shouldn't have expected so much from you!" I was crying hard at the same time punching his chest.

Yet even though I blamed him over and over again..Yuki wouldn't be coming back. Never.

"Get out, now!"

Those were the last words I told him. After I recovered, though deep inside never would I, I decided to move away. I didn't need those divorce paper or what, I could live on my own without him..even if we still had the connection. Mom and Dad were very sorry and also crying. Even Tomoka, Horio and my Senpais.

But nothing would change.

Ryoma tried to talk with me but I had learned how to shut him out.

That was the end of the dream I've been yearning for.

I felt myself crying that I ran so hard for people not to notice it. And then I stopped at the park. I took myself crying. I still couldn't accept the fact that Yuki was gone. I didn't even have the chance to see her face and to feel her thumbs touching my face.

" Sakuno," I froze. The voice was so near..and familiar. It was his. I turned around and there he stood crestfallen.

" Why are you here?" I told him with anger bubbling inside me.

And then he hugged me tight.

" Sakuno..i'm so sorry. I know it was all my fault. Our baby died-,"

I was trying to break free.

" Hell, Ryoma..since when did you learn to use that, huh? Our baby? You never even cared about us!"

" Sorry..sorry..if only I could turn back the time..but that time, I was so engrossed in reaching my dream. I knew it was a mistake that I let you down but I'd do everything to make it up to you,"

" For what?The essence of my life is now gone..Yuki is gone, Ryoma. You've taken away my happiness. All those time, all I dreamed of was having a family of my own…a daughter! But because of you-"

" Yes, if only I didn't hang up..if only I didn't care much about that game..if only I had given you more time..if only I had showed you my love before it was too late, I could have saved our daughter! But I already lived a year full of regrets, blaming myself for my loss. Sakuno, it still hurt me..you were not the only one who was hurt when Yuki died, I could have killed myself if not for the hope of starting a new life with you-"

I finally managed to break from his grip and slapped him hard.

" How could you say that? New life? Let me guess. Committing the same mistake again and letting me suffer? And then the baby..she'll-" I could no longer continue it because I couldn't stop crying.

He hugged me again. Why, all of a sudden, I felt warmth?

" Please, stay..Sakuno..i'm giving up everything for you..and for our future children. I'll do whatever you wish. I'll patch things up. I'll make Yuki happy up there. I'll make her see our love for each other..our love for her,"

" I'm quitting from tennis and from my dream to be a tennis pro, " he hugged me tighter.

I felt reassurance. Maybe it was now time to forgive and forget. But I wouldn't forget Yuki. Yes, Mommy would stay happy for her…

I hugged him back with tears still rolling down my cheeks. I leaned on his chest.

" Ryoma..please help me to recover..to rebuild my dream..and to start again,"

" Of course I would, you know..I love you..sorry it was late," he chuckled softly while caressing my hair which were not braided.

I looked up to him.

" I love you, too. And because of that, I'm allowing you to pursue your dream and your goal and-" I was cut off when he kissed my forehead.

" No, I don't need those…you're all I need,"

Christmas is really a time to forgive. Finally, I've felt the spirit of it.

" Still, my love is deeper than any hatred I feel for you"

There. Hope you liked it. I don't quite like my ending. It's fluffy, isn't it? But then, I have a question, can you really forgive after that mistake? Please Leave a review. If time permits, before Christmas break ends, I'll update Shadows of Before and make the sequel of Wall of Fantasy. Also, please read the NatsuMikan version ( Gakuen Alice). I don't know if I'll be able to make the TsubaSaki version also from Gakuen Alice. Perhaps in New Year.