So I normally don't do Author Notes, but I have a couple things to say. One, much love and thanks to Not Just a Nerd and WyldCard4 for being the most amazing reviews I have. And two, I apologize if this story is confusing, but I was experimenting with new styles. Please let me know what you think? If you don't understand something or want clarification, PM me or just ask in a review and I'll respond. I tried not to get too OOC or AU, but I fear that I did a little bit. Thank you to all my lovely readers!
Show me desperation.
(J U S T I N & A L E X)
She's miserable, sometimes.
Resentful and livid and out of control.
Desperate.
He's the only one who ever gets to see her like that.
When she's around everyone else, she puts up a front. Skipping classes and sneaking out to parties that her parents said she couldn't go to and using her powers for all kinds of bad.
But then it's one in the morning and she's sitting on the floor in his room, eyes shining with words she will never speak and mouth twisted into a grimace that screams of a fractured soul.
He never says anything about whatever set her off.
It's always something.
Sometimes she's angry because she can't get a spell and she won't admit that she can't get it; so instead she ditches wizarding class and makes flippant remarks that cause the vein in her father's temple to bulge. Sometimes Gigi says something that actually hits home, but she can't confess defeat so instead she tells Harper it doesn't matter and skips the rest of the school day to paint underground.
No one knows that she gets hurt.
They all just buy in to the front that she presents, accepting that she's indifferent and tough and rebellious and nothing ever hurts her.
He knows better.
He knows that she uses sarcasm as a shield and wit as a weapon. That she hurts like the rest of the world and she never skips or ditches or breaks the rules without a good reason.
He knows these things because she sneaks into his room in the middle of the night and presses her lips up against his, using his kisses to swallow the anguished screams begging to escape from her mouth. She lets him press her against the nearest surface, wall or bed or floor, and rakes her fingernails down his back, leaving behind wicked scratches that make him hiss when he leans back in a chair the next day.
He knows that she lies and hurts because he drowns in her, night after night.
He drowns in the feel of her lips and the taste of her kisses and the warmth of her skin.
He drowns in her desperation.
(j u s t i n P O V)
It kills me to see her like that.
Sad and forlorn and desolate.
I know what we're doing is wrong.
That I shouldn't want my sister in this way, that I shouldn't like the pain-pleasure from her nails scraping down my back or the taste of grief on her tongue.
But she's Alex and she needs me. She needs me as more than a brother, as more than a friend. She needs me as a lover, as a soul mate, as an everything.
How could I possibly say no?
So, yeah, it's wrong.
But I love feeling her warmth and giving her slow, deep kisses while the rising sun makes her skin glow and she's barely awake, smiling at me even when she's half asleep. I love that she shows me herself, all of her, everything that she refuses to show everyone else.
I love her.
So I'll let her use me and drown in me because I get to drown in her in return and it's not all about the hurt, it's also about the comfort, the affection.
It's about everything.
And we'll drown in it together.
(a l e x P O V)
I hate being weak, letting someone in past my defenses.
But it's Justin.
And he's been there for my entire life, for anything that I've ever needed, so why shouldn't I let him be here for this?
It started a while ago, midway through the summer before junior year when I just couldn't get a spell and I was embarrassed and dad's disappointment was much too much. I needed something to stop feeling this way.
So I went to Justin's room in the middle of the night and sat on the floor and stared at him.
He understood.
Of course he did.
So we started this relationship, this twisted thing, this whatever we were. And it had been going on ever since.
I use him as my release, anger flowing from my fingers as the slide down his back and pain screaming from my lips as they press into his.
He lets me drown myself in him.
And I love him for that.
I love him for letting me sink my desperation into his skin, I love him for understanding and using me back so that I don't feel guilty and everything is equal.
I use him to drown out the voices, the ones that say I'm not good enough, and he uses me to drown out his own demons, the ones whispering that no one will ever need him.
We drown each other to survive.
Music danced behind her eyes.
(A L E X & S T E V I E)
(s t e v i e P O V)
When Stevie sees Alex, she thinks of one thing.
Music.
She thinks of music because that's what Alex is.
She's the guitar solo in the middle of the song and the heavy, controlling beat of the drum and the crackling of speakers turned up too loud. She can be furious and beautiful and too much sometimes, but she's gorgeous and strong and has the ability to capture the attention of the entire room.
Music is versatile, it can change easily, make you feel different emotions and experience different feelings. It can go from a romantic song to an irritated song, to being used as an outlet for pain to lyrics about joy and sunshine. Alex can do that too, it's actually part of the reason you wanted to be friends with her in the first place.
When Alex is joyful, the people around her are cheerful too. When she's angry, the rest of the room is furious. She just has this ability to affect everyone, to influence everybody.
So when Stevie first met her, she knew that she wanted to be friends with her, to be friends with someone that had such power.
She wanted to be friends with Alex Russo, not because she was a rebel or because she was a wizard, but because she was influential.
That's what she thought when she saw her, she thought of influence and power and control.
But mostly, when she sees her, she thinks of music.
She thinks of ever-changing moods and passion and life.
That's what Stevie thinks when she sees Alex Russo.
Music.
(a l e x P O V)
When Alex sees Stevie, she thinks of one thing.
Music.
She's the rhythm from the bass and the croon of the lead singer and the feedback from mikes that are put too close together. She can be incensed and gorgeous and too much sometimes, but she's stunning and tough and can easily draw the attention of the entire room.
Music is flexible; it can make someone feel blissful as easily as it can make someone depressed. It can make people feel and take up all of their emotions.
Stevie can do that, she can make people experience what she's experiencing, talk people into doing anything.
When she really wants to do something, she can normally convince you. Like getting bands to play at lunch and running rampant all over the wizarding world, responsibilities forgotten and left behind.
She wanted to be friends with Stevie not because she was the new rebel girl, or later when she found out that Stevie was a wizard because of that.
She wanted to be friends with Stevie because she had a lot of power, a lot of influence that she was willing to wield over whomever she chose.
So that's what she thought when she saw Stevie.
She thought of influence and power and control.
However, the thing that she always thinks of first is music.
Because that's what Stevie is, what Alex associates with her both literally and metaphorically.
Music.
Scream until your lungs bleed.
(J U L I E T & J U S T I N & A L E X)
(j u l i e t P O V)
You sacrificed your freaking life for him.
You let that stupid werewolf that Alex was dating bite you, just so you could save him.
And what does he do as soon as you're out of sight?
Cuddle up to her.
He sits down and pulls her down next to him, resting his head on top of hers once she rests it on his shoulder.
And it hurts.
Your heart hurts when you see something suspiciously like relief shining in his eyes.
Your head hurts when her hand slips into his and he laces their fingers together.
Your soul hurts when his lips press against her head and she smiles up at him, sad from the loss of Mason but still happy and able to smile because she was with Justin.
Everything hurts when they walk away together, Max smiling at them indulgently and they're fingers tightly intertwined.
Then they stop, face each other, and move closer.
Closer.
Closer.
A scream rips from your throat as your now too old body collapses and you begin to fade from the world, the last thing you see the love of your life kissing his sister, the last thing you hear the shrill scream of your heart breaking.
It's a terrible ending.
And the only thing you can think?
You hope they heard your scream.
You hope they remember your scream, that it's seared into their minds.
It's all that you'll leave behind.
(j u s t i n P O V)
You spent what feels like forever trying to find your girlfriend.
To find your Juliet.
But somewhere along the way, Alex found Mason and you got jealous and all of a sudden the two of you were making out every night.
You knew it wasn't right.
But Juliet wasn't there and you really didn't like that annoying British kid and it was Alex, so who the fuck really cared anyways?
But then, finally, you found Juliet.
So you were going to stop what ever you were doing with Alex. And then Mason had to go all, I love you on Juliet and Alex was angry and depressed and you wanted to fix it anyway you could so you slammed your lips against hers. And in the process of doing so, you completely forgot about your vow to be faithful to Juliet.
So then you were back fighting the mummy and Juliet got old and Mason turned into a wolf and it was back to you and Alex, as it always should have been.
You kiss her again, and you hear a heartbreaking scream that pierces your eardrums and remains ringing in your head for minutes afterwards.
Juliet.
She saw the two of you.
And guilt wells in your stomach, but you look back at Alex and all you can think is about how beautiful she is.
So you grip her hand again, transporting the two of you home where Max is already waiting.
Juliet's cry still resonating in your ears.
(a l e x P O V)
You loved Mason.
Really, you did.
But he wasn't forever, not like Justin was.
So when Justin got jealous and kissed you, you kissed back. And you kept kissing back, stopping only when he found Juliet, and even that didn't last very long.
When Juliet was finally back, Mason declared his love for her and Justin kissed her and really, it was the latter that made you angry. Everyone thought that you were upset because of Mason, but really you were distraught because you thought that you had lost Justin and whatever relationship the two of you had. The relationship that included random kisses and late-night, secret carpet rides and a more-than-sibling but still-oh-so-perfect love.
You thought that it was gone as soon as Juliet was found.
But then Justin kissed you again, probably thinking you were sad about Mason, and everything was fine again.
Then there was a fight and it was all a blur and the only thing you know is that Juliet turned into this nasty old chick and Mason permanently wolfed out and it was simply you and Justin, alone, again.
Then you were kissing Justin and about to leave and you heard this shriek that was so ridiculously shrill you think it may have shattered the sound barrier.
You had no idea Juliet could scream like that.
You see the flash of guilt and sadness in Justin's eyes and you hope that this isn't going to screw everything up, because yeah, you miss Mason but it was always gonna be Justin anyways.
He looks back down at you and smiles, sliding his hand into yours and you feel a flash of the same guilt that must be churning in his stomach, sad that you hurt Juliet but not sad enough to leave Justin or something ridiculous like that.
But you didn't think you were going to forget her, not for a long while.
After all, her screech was still echoing in your mind.
Art swirled around her fingertips.
(J A L E X & H A R P E R)
(h a r p e r P O V)
There were few things that I know Alex truly loved.
Actually, when I think about it, there are only two things that I know Alex loves.
Justin and art.
And honestly, at this point, I think the two are one in the same.
She only painted when she needed to get an emotion out, and the emotion was always a direct result of something that Justin did or said.
And she only ever drew one person.
Justin, of course.
He was her inspiration and her muse and I wanted to be jealous, I really did, but she was my best friend and she created absolutely beautiful works of art.
Even if Alex's art wasn't only inspired by Justin, he was still the one that supported her art the most strongly. The one that ignored everyone else's wishes and magically moved her artwork up from the subway so that she was happy. The one that told her she was better than a subway girl, that she could be so much more.
Without Justin, there was no art.
The summer before he left for college, Alex painted so much that I thought her fingers were going to be permanently stained from paint and charcoal and pastels and lead. There were pencil sketches of Justin filling up numerous notebooks, that really I wasn't supposed to see but Max and me snuck in to look at them anyways. I saw large canvas paintings, some furious that I suspected she painted during the horrid two-week argument that the two had, and some absolutely beautiful, arcs of bright colors that somehow managed to make you think of love for no real reason at all.
There were pastel drawings of the park and charcoal drawings of Manhattan at night, both of which I knew she drew when she and Justin were off hanging out somewhere.
Alex loved art, and she was amazing at it.
But she loved Justin more, and without him, she wouldn't have art at all.
I think that that was part of the reason she loved him in the first place.
Because he gave her art.
Just another all-or-nothing-knock-down-drag-out fight.
(D E A N & A L E X & J U S T I N)
(d e a n P O V)
This sucked.
I hadn't been able to talk to Russo for thee past three weeks without us getting into some dumbass argument.
Why have we been arguing so much you may ask?
Justin.
Her damn brother.
The nerd has been butting in to all of our business, not letting us go out on dates without his interference or miraculously appearing whenever I was about to kiss her goodnight.
It was stupid.
So, I started complaining about it. I mean, I already have to put up with all the crazy that is Russo's best friend Finkel, I don't really wanna deal with an overly-annoying overprotective big brother too.
But every time I say something, my girl defends him. Says that I shouldn't worry about it and that I was overreacting and that I needed to shut up about her family. Right after she said something, she would realize how defensive it sounded and she would get this strange look on her face, quickly change the subject, and start talking about something else.
But I was tired of letting the little fights go and just ignoring the fact that she kept taking his side over mine.
So I confronted her about it.
"Russo, wanna go out on a date? Or is your brother gonna interrupt again?" I sounded bitterer than I meant to, and I winced inwardly as soon as I was done talking because she was Alex and she was going to pick up on that.
"Why do you sound so bitter?" Well shit. How were you supposed to explain that? That feeling that I get in my stomach whenever I notice the emotion in his eyes looked a helluva lot move like jealously than protectiveness. The unease that I felt whenever she smiled at something that he did, the grin so bright that it was nearly blinding. I had begun to think of it as her Justin smile. Which was kind of awful and I hated it without a doubt.
She didn't have a smile just for me.
So I was jealous but I didn't want to admit why I was really jealous so I picked fights about stupid things, telling her we couldn't stay together after I moved and that I didn't care when she ditched me to go hang out with Justin or when she disappeared, off to do some mysterious task that Justin always had to come and save her from.
So we fought.
All the time, we fought.
Over bigger things like her forgetting a date we had or small, petty things like me insulting Justin's new skinny jeans and Alex pointing out that she was the one who bought them for him.
But for some reason, I had the feeling that this fight was going to be much worse.
"I don't sound bitter. You're reading into things again." I'm immediately on the defensive because Russo is the only girl that I've ever really liked and I've got this horrid feeling that I'm gonna lose her to her brother.
"Reading into things again? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" She's instantly defensive too, practically growling at me as she places her hands on her hips.
"It's supposed to mean that I can't say shit about the fact that your brother keeps interrupting us without you jumping down my throat and taking his side!" Even as I talk my mind is screaming, shutupshutupshutup but I've started this, so I may as well finish it.
"He hasn't been doing anything!" She automatically states, one of her hands slipping off her hips and pointing at me.
"See!" I shout back at her, fed up with the absolute ridiculousness of this entire situation, "you're doing it again! You keep choosing him over me and acting like the only reason that you're doing it is because he's your brother when we all know that's a goddamn lie!" My voice keeps getting louder and louder and I can feel someone at the door staring at us, a quick glance revealing Justin Russo's curious face.
"I'm not fucking lying! What would I be lying about? What the hell is your damage, Dean?" She's screaming now too, and I really should have expected that but for some reason I'm kind of shocked.
"You are lying! Pretending like he's just being an overprotective big brother. Yeah-fucking-right." I can still feel his stare on my back and I wonder if he even knows, if they even know, of if I'll be opening their eyes to this fantastically obvious shit.
"He is just being my brother!" She scoffs, but her eyes are beginning to show understanding and the slightest hint of fear.
"No. He is fucking not. And you know it." I'm not yelling anymore, I'm just tired and hurt and I want this to be over with already.
"Dean…" she whispers, the same weariness in her eyes that I'm sure is covering my face.
"Alex," and she flinches at the use of her first name, "I'm tired. And… we're done. I can't do this anymore. I won't do this anymore. I don't deserve to be anyone's second place." And this sucks because this is probably the most mature that I have ever been and I'm losing the only girl that I truly liked in order to do it.
"Dean… I didn't mean to hurt you." She manages to choke out, tears sliding down her cheeks and I want to comfort her but that isn't my place anymore.
"I know." I try to smile at her but I know that it looks more like a grimace. I move forward, press my lips to the top of her head, and stride from the room throwing an take care of her you bastard at Justin as I walk by.
I turn back as the door swings shut, just in time to see Justin wrap Russo up in his arms, a large smile on his face. She isn't grinning, thank god, but she looks relaxed for the first time in weeks, since our first fight.
And this sucks and I'm gonna miss her but I want her to be happy.
And apparently Justin makes her happy.
So I'll try to deal with that.
And I'll take up my uncle on that offer to move.
Chaos takes over my life.
(M A X & J A L E X)
(m a x P O V)
You had a nightmare.
A terrible, terrible nightmare.
And, yeah, you realize that once you're 15, it's totally uncool to go to your big brother for comfort and protection after a nightmare, but whatever, you were kinda terrified and no one needed to know.
You tiptoed down the hallway, easing Justin's door open and sliding inside before looking up and freezing in shock.
What the hell was Alex doing in there?
In Justin's room, in his freaking bed?
You saw Justin's eyes flutter open and panicked, yanking your body backwards through the still open door and shutting it quickly behind you.
Well.
You suddenly weren't so scared of the nightmare that drove you to Justin's room in search for a older brother protection. Now you were scared of what you saw in his room, of the possibilities of what it meant, of what could be going on.
You tried to shake it off, telling yourself that you were just overreacting and being silly and maybe Alex had had a nightmare too and she sought her big brother's comfort just like you had attempted to.
Maybe it was completely innocent.
You slid back into your bed, closing your eyes and trying to get back to sleep.
It didn't work.
All sorts of details were slamming into your thoughts, jumping in even when you struggled to think of other things.
Justin wasn't wearing a shirt.
Something lacy and red was lying on the floor next to his bed.
Alex was lying on top of Justin, not next to him.
Justin was smiling.
They're hands were intertwined.
There was nothing innocent about that scene.
You tossed and turned for the rest of the night, keeping your eyes open until they began to burn in an attempt to ward off the images assaulting your brain.
There was rapping on your door, your mom telling you to get up for breakfast, so you stumbled from the room with bleary eyes and wrinkled clothes.
"Hey, Maxie!" Alex laughed as you came into the room, ruffling your hair as your parents stared at her in shock, stunned by the mere fact that she was awake before noon and it was Sunday.
"Alex," you grumbled back, unsure if you were okay with her at the moment or not.
"Morning, Max. Are you all right? You look a little tired." Justin said cheerfully, smiling at Alex as she strode past you and farther into the room.
"Fine," you muttered, going straight to the table and sitting down, shoveling food into your mouth quickly.
You finished quickly and ran back up the stairs, ignoring the curious stares you could feel on your back.
A few days passed and you successfully avoided your siblings, the only unavoidable time spent with them on the way to school.
But you were kind of tired of this whole stoic and silent shit, or whatever the saying was.
"Alex. Justin." You said, staring at both of them with determination.
"Max." They replied together, both of them looking at you warily, worried about what you were about to say.
"What are you doing together?" well, that was blunt, but you were never all that good with subtle, why not stick with your strengths?
"Doing together? What do you mean?" And Justin really should have let Alex talk, because he sucked at lying, and judging from the grimace on Alex's face she knew that too.
"I mean what the hell are you to doing that includes Justin's bed and optional clothing?" Your voice rose higher and higher with every word, thickly coated with disbelief.
"W-w-what are you talking about?" Justin should just not even try. As soon as the stuttered sentence slipped from his mouth, Alex shoved her elbow into his ribs and turned calculating eyes on you.
"How?" She doesn't even try to deny it, because both of you know that Justin ruined any chance they had of believable denial.
"A few nights ago, I wanted to talk to Justin, walked in his room, saw you too." You're being more curt than usual, but you want an explanation, some answers.
"Oh." Justin whispers while Alex just stares at you.
"Oh? Oh?" you hissed, "that's all you have to say? Oh?"
"We're sorry," this time it's Alex who speaks. "We didn't mean to hurt you. But we were unsure how you would take it so we didn't tell you and we probably should have and we're sorry. I'm sorry."
And somehow, the fact that she admitted that she was personally sorry makes you calmer, makes it mean so much more.
"Okay."
"Okay?" Justin asks, his voice breaking from nervousness. He clears his throat and flushes as Alex grins at him and presses a kiss to his red cheek.
"Hey! Just because I know doesn't mean I want to see it!" You laugh, playfully covering your eyes. You hear Alex giggle as well before she pulls you in for a hug.
"So, we're alright?" she murmurs in your ear and you grip her tighter before releasing her and gripping Justin's hand.
"You're… what are you? Fooling around? Using each other?" Neither seems likely but you want them to confirm your suspicions outright.
"No. We're in love." Justin says, Alex nodding agreement at his side.
"Alright then. We're good."
And the relief in their eyes makes you feel warm, and the chaos that has been screaming in your head ever since that night finally quiets.
It'll be alright.
They're in love.
And you can accept that.