Toy Bears

Chapter One: Pain on Parchment

Monday, 11 June, 2007

Dear Diary,

I drink to heal the pain, but the pain never quite seems to go away. People tell me I'm a kid and I need to grow up and have more respect. I'd tell them to fuck off if I could, and just leave me the hell alone. The world does not revolve around you. And neither do I, so just leave me the hell alone and get your own life and stop ruling mine. I cut myself to know that I can still feel physical pain, because all the pain I feel is on the inside. If only there was a way to end all of my pain, forever. People would never know by looking at me that I am like this. That's because people are blind to the truth that lies just in front of them. My entire life I have been the 'baby' or the 'child' or the 'kid' or the stupid one. The other day someone said to me, "Are you really that stupid?" and they were completely serious about it. How can people be that cruel? All they think about is themselves, they never think about my emotions, ever. They go on with there lives, ruining mine, and thinking I have no emotions. They need a serious reality check. Some say I don't smile enough, others say I smile too often. Then there are the ones that say I am only fun when I am drunk off my ass. They just want me to change. I am only 16, what the hell do they expect! They think someone who is 20 (only 4 years older then me) is my superior. Fuck the hell off. Just leave me alone! You are not my superior, and you never could be. Above me? You are beneath me! (sorry if I'm rambling, I have a lot on my mind) I haven't eaten for 3 days, because I always get yelled at in a way whenever I do. So fuck it all. If they are going to yell at me, what's the point? She always complains about her 'depression / anxiety' disorder. Shut up! It gets really old really bloody fast! I stopped caring the 10thtime you brought it up. I don't pity you, I don't look up to you, I never have and I never will. All I got from you when I was little were lies, now I am the one to give you the lies. You are probably wondering who I am talking about. Perhaps one day I will tell you. But until then I will leave you wondering. Always trying to see what's on my mind, always trying to make me better, and tell you everything. If only you practiced what you preached, then I might be more honest with you. But because all you do is lie and complain, I shall not. You may be blood, but there are times when all you are is dirt to me. You tell me what to do and expect it done instantly. Fuck you. When I am in the middle of something I will not just drop it if only to please you. I will not do that for anyone. You want to 'train me' well, you just back off. Because you will never 'retrain me'. My mum and dad did that. I will never change who I am for anyone. I am me. And if you can not accept that… then get rid of me. See if I care. I shut you out of my life a long time ago. You were cool and new at first. Now I regret a lot. And you are the thing that began all of this. But don't give yourself too much credit! I was drinking and cutting long before I met you. That's another things I can never stop. No one really cares, accept Ron and Harry. I know they care. But they do not know these things about me. And I hope they never do. I don't want anyone to know these things about me. I don't know what I would do if anyone knew these things about me.

Yours, Hermione

P.S. School starts in a few weeks so hopefully I will be a little better before then. I did receive a letter from Ron earlier asking if I would stay with him for the remainder of the summer, I am going to write him back saying that I will. I think he will cheer away my sorrows.

Hermione folded up the woeful piece of parchment into a small square and threw it in the box that held all of her deep secrets. But she did not close the lid to her box right away; she just stared at all of her forgotten secrets, some good, some bad… but mostly bad.

Ron sat at the edge of his bed flipping through various books, waiting impatiently for a reply back from Hermione, "Any minute now." He told himself, as he threw his books to the floor and flopped back onto his bed with his hands high above his head.

Peck! Peck! Peck!"Finally!" Ron said as he sat up and walked over to open his window for the owl that was tapping on his window. In it flew with an envelope grasped in its beak.

Ron went ahead and stroked the owl a few times before opening the letter, which read as follows:

Dear Ron,

Yes! I would love to stay with you for the rest of the summer! I need you now more then you know. I miss you! I hope the way I am writing this doesn't make you get worried, I am doing alright. So, just write back and I will see you… tomorrow?

Love Always, Hermione

Ron folded the letter back up and walked over to his desk with a small smile on his face. He was both happy and concerned about Hermione. She did sound happy to stay with him, but there was something about the way she addressed herself, that didn't seem quite like Hermione. She didn't sound depressed, just… off, off in a not quite so happy way.

'Dear Hermione,'Ron began,

No, I am not worried, just a little concerned about the way you addressed yourself there. And I am aloud to be concerned! You are my friend, I care about you!

Tomorrow sounds great! Where should we meet? Dad said I can fly there so it's going to have to be somewhere that is sort of abandoned. Do you know of any place?

Love, Ron'

Ron then folded up his reply and placed it into a sun dyed envelope, gave the owl a small treat and a pet, then sent it back off to Hermione with his reply.

"Wonder what's wrong?" Ron asked himself as he crossed his arms and watched the owl fly away, "Something's bothering her…" He finished as he walked back over to his bed and laid back down with a worried expression. His fingers were interlocked and across the mid section of his stomach, Ron didn't only feel like this because of what she wrote, but he felt it internally.

Whoosh! "That was quick?" Hermione said curiously as she walked over to the owl that flew into her bedroom.

She took the letter from its beak and read Ron's reply, she thought quietly to herself before she wrote her reply.

Hermione walked quickly over to her desk, pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill with ink, and wrote as follows:

'Dear Ronald,

You can pick wherever we meet, I don't really care. As long as I see you… to be honest… Ron, I… I, oh never mind.

Post reply

Love, Hermione'

"Not perfect, but it will have to do." She said quietly to herself as she gave her reply back to the owl and watched it as it flew steadily out the window.

Steadily out the window the owl flew, as Hermione's eyes began to fill with tears, "Stop it! Stop it, stop it!" She screamed to herself as she dropped to the floor sobbing her eyes out, "Just stop it! Uuhhu!! Uuhhu!!" She wept as she completely lost control.

Ron read Hermione's letter as he sat on his floor confused more then ever, "Hermione, come on… don't make me go down there!" He whispered to himself as he slowly stood up.

Dear Hermione,

Come on, what's wrong!? Don't make me fly down there, because you know I will! I don't mean to threaten you like this… but I have never heard you like this before and frankly it's scaring me a lot Hermione. Now I want to get you tonight, I know something is up, I mean look at this! I am talking to myself over a letter! Please, just tell me what is wrong, I am always here for you, you know that!

LOVE ALWAYS, Ron'

"More" Hermione cried as she slid a knife deeply across her arm, "It's not enough," She sniffed to herself, "I need more." She continued to sob.

"Hermione?" Ron said as he stood watching her at her bedroom window, "What are you doing to yourself??" He asked as he dropped his broom on the ground and ran to her bedside where she sat.

"Ron what are you doing here!?" She cried trying to keep her cool, but failed, "I wasn't doing anything!!" She sobbed as she threw the bloody knife across her room.

"Hermione!? Look at your arm! What's the matter!? I've never seen you like… Hermione!" Ron cried and he put his hands on his head.

"Ron please no! Don't touch me! Ron please no don't…" Hermione cried as tears continued to stream down her face.

"Hermione…" Ron whispered as he put his arms around her.

"Ron please don't." Hermione chocked out in tears.

"Hermione I love you." Ron told her as he pulled her close.

"Don't say that!" Hermione said as she began gagging she was crying so hard.

"Shhh, shhhh" Ron tried to quiet her as he gently held her in his arms.

"Hermione, what's wrong?" Ron asked her as they sat on opposite sides of the bed.

"I don't know myself anymore…" She began.

"Hermione," Ron said as he crawled over to her, "What do you mean?" He took her hands in his and looked down at her.

"I die a little bit each day." She told him as she looked down at there hands together.

Ron's face went pale and he kissed her forehead, and held her in his arms as she quietly drifted to sleep.

TBC