An Unconventional Fairytale
In which Arthur is a massive troll. Literally. Like he guards bridges and stuff. Ludwig can't retire until he carts Feliciano's butt around. And Francis is ridden. Because he's a horse. And that's what happens to horses.
Ludwig wondered if his universe out of all the universes out there (because there's gotta be more; if his was the only one, the world was truly doomed) somehow drew the short straw when they decided what kind of things went on in them and his got all the leftovers. It was like that comic where God created the earth and dumped all the creepy shit in Australia. Yeah well, take Australia and turn it into an entire universe. Welcome to his life.
So lost in his thoughts, Ludwig almost let the shrieking wyvern that came screaming some amazingly explicit swear words at him out of the trees of The Dark Forest attack his face and tear his eyebrows out - because you see, wyverns liked that sort of thing; eyebrow hairs make comfortable nests. Dodging its tiny claws of fury, Ludwig waited it to be centered right in front of him and then SMACK. Killed it like a fly. He frowned at the steaming coating of slime that were currently eating through his metal gauntlets. Right, wyvern blood was an extremely strong oxidizing agent. He wiped the slime onto his metal breastplate, ignoring the agonizing hissing the metal made as it slowly decomposed. Whatever, after this last mission, no more armor that made him feel like he was a worm rattling around inside a tin can, no more being a snack for any idiotic monster who decided it were hungry enough to try to eat him and then end up on the wrong end of his sword. And they dare look surprised too! He was human but he had a pointy stick too. Do not ever underestimate a human with a pointy object. PSA kids. That and sketch looking candy.
Speaking of sketch candy and his last mission, he turned around to look back at the squirming burlap lashed to the saddle behind him. No, it wasn't a sack that has come to life. He had a kid in there. Also don't freak out. It wasn't not as bad as it sounded. He had punched holes in the cloth and also threw in the rest of the lollipops he bribed the kid with. Air and food and nothing that wants to rip his eyebrows off - a luxury he himself cannot claim.
Ludwig warranted the wyvern's dying curses had warned its wyvern relatives to stay away because nothing came out of the underbrush ready to steal his face or any other precious body parts. Finally some peace and quiet, he returned to the world's most specific game of "I Spy" he was playing with Francis.
"I spy with my little eyes a tree..."
Francis snorted in horsey derision and pointed with his hoof over toward the tree on their immediate left.
"I haven't even finished!" Ludwig snapped, irritated. "Also that's not the right tree."
Francis rolled his eyes in a typical sassy horse manner (really, this breed was very problematic) and kept plodding onward, delicately stepping around the potholes on the road which he wouldn't have to do if the king of this kingdom would just put tax money towards road infrastructure. Goddammit, the condition of the kingdom's roads was causing him unnecessary stress and he can't afford to lose more of his beautiful mane. How else would he attract all the lady horses? Dating was already hard enough within the equine circles because the females demand financial stability after matrimony. And here Francis was working his fabulous horsey butt off for a dirt poor knight who can't even afford toilet paper some months. Of course Ludwig was also working his less-fabulous butt off for the prince of this kingdom, who was the son of the king who didn't care about roads, and in turn didn't care about the livelihood of one of the most magnificent species in the universe: him. Do you see this neverending cycle?
"...with a hole about 5 feet up the trunk that resembles a gaping troll mouth and the branches kinda come so it gives the tree a medusa like hair style. You know...it kinda looks like..."
The queen? Francis neighed.
"Yes, that!" Ludwig snapped his finger, patting Francis's head in thanks.
How's the basilisk doing anyways?
"Basi- Francis!" Ludwig looked properly scandalized. "Don't talk about the queen in that way!"
Francis purposely stepped under a low-hanging branch and heard a satisfactory thunk of Ludwig's head knocking against the tree.
"Ack! And the basilisk is doing fine." In proper basilisk fashion, he added in his mind.
Francis tilted his head (or as much so as the bones in a horse's neck would let so) to give Ludwig a long stare. Even when Ludwig didn't say anything out loud, the horse still managed to know what he was thinking. Well he was a talking horse after all. What did Ludwig expect?
There was a light at the end of the tunnel. And no he didn't die unexpectedly and the other side wasn't Jesus's 10 bedroom, 8.5 bathroom pent. The light indicated they were almost out of The Dark Forest but it didn't mean there was any less things that wanted to kill him. Like the sun for instance. Good thing he remembered to bring his 5002 SPF sunscreen.
Francis put in some extra speed (which was about one more foot per minute) and they burst out of the shady brambles and clutching branches into pure white sunlight. Temporarily blinded, Ludwig clutched his face in agony, missing Francis's derisive eyeroll.
Humans.
"Francis- Ack! Why'd you stop?" Ludwig tumbled to the ground as the horse slammed his brakes on.
Looks like something that wants to eat you. With that, the horse spotted a nice patch of grass and ambled away to graze.
Ludwig painfully stood up, his armor digging into his unspeakable areas and he sobbed a little on the inside. He also sobbed on the outside. Because there was a river running in front of him. And a bridge spanning that river. And of course, as dictated by Universe Rule #6052, along with the bridge, came a troll.
For one, the troll was massive. Ludwig had not seen many trolls in his life for the kingdom's infrastructure sucked. Many bridges have crumbled away over the years because of the lack of maintenance. If you came across a body of water with no bridge, you were left up to your own devices. Hopefully whatever you were doing wasn't urgent or you were a really good swimmer. No bridges meant no tolls which cut down the trolls' source of income. Which in turn means Ludwig was going to be hella broke after he crossed this bridge. Provided he survived this encounter first.
Back to how big the troll was. He - Ludwig was guessing it was a guy because it was the height of two men and the width of five and covered from head to toe in coarse yellow hair (especially in the eyebrow area), and not to be sexist or anything but he guessed girl trolls were probably smaller and a tad bit less...hairy. His teeth were so big, they wouldn't fit properly in his mouth. The protruding appendages gave the creature a permanent grin that seemed to say - and now Ludwig was no expert of troll expressions - either he was extremely happy to see him, or ready to eat him. Probably extremely happy to eat him.
The troll was leaning on a wooden pole stuck in the dirt before the bridge. Nailed haphazardly on the pole was a cardboard sign that read: Fee: One riddle per transportation.
Oh no. Ludwig internally cried. If there was one thing he sucked at, it was riddles. Can he just give up his life savings and be on his way?
"Hello there, weary traveler," said the oddly polite troll. "My name is Arthur. Are you looking to pass?"
Ludwig may or may not have made a faint distressed noise that the troll took for acquiescence.
"Ok, traveler. What do you do when a chemist dies?"
Ludwig turned to Francis for help. The horse lifted his head, looking unimpressed as if to say, I am a goddamn horse, you lunatic. What do you want from me?
The troll waited for Ludwig to answer but several seconds passed in distressing silence so he answered his own query: "You barium."
Ludwig sobbed more on the outside.
"How about another one?" the troll said, giving Ludwig a squinty-eyed smile.
"No-"
"Why did the furniture store keep calling me to come back?"
"Um, because they want you to keep spending money there?"
"Well, I suppose that's how our capitalistic market society works, if you want to be boring."
"I do, actually. I want to be boring."
"I guess that answer is satisfactory for bridge-crossing purposes, but are you sure you don't want to try guessing?"
"Very sure." Ludwig nodded his head furiously.
The troll scratched his head. "...Oh, ok. I'll just tell you then!"
"No, please don't."
"Because they didn't just want it to be-"
"No, don't-"
"-just one night stand!"
Ludwig wanted to crawl into the river and perform self-induced drowning.
"Can we cross now?" he begged weakly.
The troll, with a melancholy expression on his face stepped aside. "Best regards, traveler. And one more thing-"
No, no more. Please let this hell end.
"-can you please file this petition to the Department of Trollsportation?" Ludwig almost sobbed with relief, accepting the envelope, which led to a conversation in which he learned that the capitol was so disconnected with their smaller country administrative brethrens, it was hard to relay information on the conditions of the trollways. Also the big wigs needed to jack up troll fees again because there wasn't sufficient income coming from the prices they have now.
"...Wait," Ludwig said suspiciously. "How do you know I'm heading for the capitol?"
The troll cocked his head to the side. "Isn't it obvious?" he stated blithely. "That boy over there is the Prince Feliciano, isn't he?"
"Well yeah-WHAT?!" Ludwig shrieked. In a manly manner of course. Because he's a man. "Francis, how could you let that kid out of the bag?"
Francis just looked at him, shook his fabulous mane, and trotted away.
"Um, traveler?" the troll said tentatively.
"WHAT?!" Ludwig turned onto the troll, a barrage of verbal vitriol on the tip of his tongue. He had just been snubbed by a horse! A horse of all things!
"The Prince..." The troll directed Ludwig's attention to the tiny boy who was currently going fall into the river and die. And if he dies, Ludwig can kiss his head goodbye because it will be separated from his body soon enough. Although how does one kiss one's own head if one's mouth is on said head? No matter. Right now he has to save the baby ASAP.
Performing a flying leap that would make Superman jealous, Ludwig encircled the girl in his arms. But of course his beautiful leap also carried enough momentum to send them both tumbling into the raging river down below.
Were they dead? Ludwig felt a gust of moist air blow against his face and he cracked an eye open.
Raging? Francis's horse eyes stared into his, and if horses had eyebrows, he'd totally be arching one.
Ludwig looked down. Ok, maybe raging was a relative term. The five inch deep river would be raging to a...bug. Ah, who was he kidding. A gnome couldn't even drown in here.
"Are you okay down there?" the troll called up from the bridge, his voice laced with concern.
"Why the heck did you build a bridge over a five inch deep stream?" Ludwig spluttered in abject humiliation and anger. He went through that pun-ishment, almost wetting himself, and then hurling himself off a bridge only to find out he could've ridden Francis across?
The troll shrugged, having the decency to look a little bit embarrassed. "The boss said to. He said humans would fall for it because humans and bridges have some weird relationship. Said humans have to go on a bridge when they see one."
And Ludwig couldn't argue with that.
The prince, who had been surprisingly quiet the entire time, suddenly head-butted Ludwig in the chin.
Motherfuuuuu-!
The hit was critical and Ludwig was knocked flat onto his back. Retirement couldn't come soon enough.
He was being dragged onto land. How did he know that? Because sand was currently sliding into his pants and chafing his sensitive bits. Ouch.
"Five more minutes, mom..." he mumbled.
"Yoohoo."
Something was painfully jammed up Ludwig's nose and his eyes snapped open at lightning speed as he scooted away from the source of his torment. Which was, unsurprisingly the little prince. He gently probed his nose and pulled out one of the lollipops he had given to Feliciano at the start of their journey. Why that little- His hand twitched spasmodically, and no he wasn't imagining Feliciano's head he was crushing, he was visualizing his stress ball. Oh how he missed his widdle balls - ahem. Not like that reader, not like that.
A strange sight lay before him. Arthur, the massive troll, was carrying Feliciano,, the royal heir, in an arm - the boy looked way too calm about it - and Francis, the highly intelligent horse, was standing by their side. They looked...strangely good together. How hard was Ludwig hit in the head again?
Feliciano hopped out of the troll's arms and came over to Ludwig, smiling ever so innocently. He lifted his tiny hands and patted his cheeks, his cheeks dimpling angelically. Ludwig's heart slightly melted. No! Stay strong manly heart!
"Ve~ Ludwig..." he squeaked in his adorable three-year old voice.
Utterly defeated, Ludwig sighed, "Yes, my prince?"
He tugged his hand with his little one and led him over to the troll and the horse. "Ludwig, kiss them!"
"...No." Ludwig smiled gently at his prince. He understood it all now. He had died somewhere back there and this was Hell. Well he can take everything thrown at him. He will fight 'til the end.
Hearing Ludwig's refusal, Feliciano's lips began to tremble. "NOOO!" he screeched. "DO IT. DO IT NOW. KISS THEM. SMOOCH THEM LIKE MOMMY SMOOCHES DADDY."
"HELL NO."
"DOOOOO IIIIIITTT!"
The childish turn of this screaming match between a toddler and a fully grown man seemed to have dismayed Francis. Arthur could tell because he had...a long face. (Ba dum cha!)
"KISS HIM AND HE WILL TURN INTO A PRINCE YOU IMBECILE."
"Wha-?" Ludwig spluttered at the turn of events.
Francis sighed and wondered how this guy managed to survive past infancy when he arguably should have choked on his own idiot saliva. Thinking he could help speed things along, he butted Ludwig with his head. Which sent the knight careening towards Arthur who had puckered his lips in advance. It was just a quick, dry peck, but it was enough. In a shower of rainbow sparkles and fairy dust, the massive, butt-ugly troll turned into a young man. Naked granted for trolls do not wear clothes, but definitely a nicer sight for sore eyes.
"Now kiss the horsey too!" Feliciano demanded. Ludwig did not respond, and when the three turned to check up on him, they found him in a state of vegetative shock.
Naked troll-turned-human Arthur stepped over and put a comradely hand on Ludwig's shoulder. "Sorry we had to put you through that, mate. But just do us one more favor, okay?"
"...Are you guys gods?" Ludwig whispered, sounding like a dying man.
"Ha ha. Unfortunately, no. We're just normal people. Cursed, but normal." Arthur went to loop his arm around Francis's neck. "You probably haven't heard about us but we're the crown princes of this kingdom. So now we need you to break the spell over us."
"...I've been riding a crown prince this entire time?"
"It's all right," Arthur reassured Ludwig. "You could say Francis is the most stable out of us siblings.
"Shut up shut up oh my god shut up."
"Kiss the horse, wimp."
"Oh my god. No. Shut up. Stop."
He kissed the horse anyways. And Francis turned out to be a beautiful frenchman with a full mane of hair just like his horse counterpart. Ludwig offered the two princes clothes but they declined politely, saying they were used to being nude. And also they understood why some people do not want to be constricted by clothes and when they take the throne, they will fully support the nudist colonies in the land.
They made it to the capitol in one piece, fighting off the usual barrages of monsters. Well more like Ludwig fought them off. It seems like princes were only good at puns and grooming.
The king and queen received Ludwig and their children with pomp and ceremony.
"When I set upon the task of retrieving all my children, I did not expect you to come back with so many," the king told Ludwig quite seriously. "Maybe one or two. But three! I am impressed, son."
"Um, thanks?" Ludwig said. "Also, just for the record, I am in no ways related to any of you, right?"
The king stroked his beard. "Who knows, my boy. Who knows."
"WHAT?!"
"These family jewels can't stop won't stop!"
THE END
(Epilogue)
It would be helpful to mention the new queen was also a master sorceress and given her husband's flighty nature and perpetual motion family jewels, it was no wonder how or why the princes became cursed.
Also the petition was turned in to the Department of Trollsportation and Prince Arthur made a personal plea which galvanized the kingdom's lawmakers to give trolls more rights concerning the bridges of the kingdom. Also he made a National Pun Day where every year for one hellish day, everyone suffers some sort of pun-ishment.
Prince Francis, not to be bested by his older brother, took charge of the treasury from his father and invested quite a ton in infrastructure. And now, the kingdom's roads are so beautiful people from other kingdoms and nations come just to pose with the gold paved streets. He did not forget his old comrades, the horses. Now because of the Minimum Horse Pay Act and Equine Security, horses everywhere lived in relative comfort, knowing their future was secure. Also, the national census has reported a rise in horse births.
And little Prince Feliciano lived like a boy of his station, accompanied everywhere by his absolute favorite bodyguard, Ludwig.
Ludwig? Well I guess some fairy tales just don't have happy endings.