Taylor broke up with me. She said we weren't working out, and she was right. I felt like it wasn't working too but I hadn't been about to say anything about it. And despite not being surprised, I was a little perturbed by the fact that Taylor had taken charge over the situation. I had been supposed to do that hadn't I? I'm a guy. Guy's are supposed to be dominant.
Then again, I am not the type of person to just take charge. That's Troy's job. I follow whatever he does. I always liked it that way. Now that he isn't there for me I don't know what to do. I don't know how to live my life without him. I'm not Chad without Troy.
I never thought he would just ditch me the way he has. Like I mean nothing to him. I was so naïve. Even when Taylor told us about the Italian shoes I defended him. Troy wouldn't do that, I said. But he did.
I love Troy. But that doesn't mean I am gay. I don't have sexual feelings about other guys and I don't like to shop or wear pink or any of that other gay stuff. But I do love Troy. We know each other so well. No-one else can ever compare to that. I always thought we needed to do everything together but now I just wonder if it was me. Am I just too needy?
I have Ryan as a friend now. I think he is needy too. That's why we found each other. We can't be alone. I need Troy and Ryan needs his sister, our smarter, better looking, just better, counterparts. However, Ryan seems to be able to handle his independence a lot better than I can. He is used to having to amuse himself from time to time – every once in a while when Sharpay's ambition for the limelight flares up to extreme proportions. He has been ditched by her before. I on the other hand have always been by Troy's side. I don't know what to do with myself now.
Even when Gabriella came along I wasn't completely disregarded. Although I did resent the Hispanic girl at first, Troy assured me that things wouldn't change between us. We would be just as close as we previously were. I still didn't like her much but I tolerated her.
In a way, I don't hate her anymore because of the simple fact that Troy is ignoring her. Which, really, is probably just as mean as if I did still hate her. But it's not like I can just make these feelings go away, can I? Everyone knows you are not supposed to think mean thoughts about other people but everyone always does it anyway. Most people are hypocrites like that. But it's not their fault. Just the way we are, I guess.
Like jealousy. Now I am jealous of Sharpay instead. She is not worthy of spending so much time with my best friend. She's not worthy of Ryan either if you ask me. But he's okay. He can handle himself. I don't think I could ever have the same strength he does.
Ryan told me that he is gay. I hadn't realised it. Though, I guess it is kind of obvious. He has a crush on Zeke. He told me all about it after the baseball game. I asked him how he could be so strong. I don't know why I did it because I always thought I hated him but he seemed to understand me and what I was going through. We weren't just talking about the rejection from our best friends either. He knew I meant, how could he be so strong about being gay.
He said that I don't give myself enough credit. He told me I have more 'presence' than Troy Bolton. I didn't quite agree with him but thought there was no point in saying so. The last thing I wanted to do was start a fight with an Evans – who was actually being friendly towards me. Instead I suggested we switch clothes. I said that maybe Zeke would notice him more if he looked like a jock and he said maybe Zeke would notice him more if he wore a long blonde wig and we both laughed.
Considering Ryan in a wig would make him look almost identical to Sharpay, it made me think Zeke was an idiot for not noticing that he could get Ryan so much more easily than he could get Sharpay. Plus, Ryan is nicer. He switched his clothes with me anyway saying it couldn't hurt trying. And it was nice because we really felt close after that. We both needed it too. To feel appreciated by someone else. I just wished it was Troy who appreciated me.
Ryan talked about how after the championship game he had taken the cookies Zeke had made for Sharpay and said 'nice game' to him. Zeke had apparently pretty much ignored him and just stared off after his sister. I really felt bad for the guy. Infatuations suck. I joked that if we were both still single in five years that we should get together. We both laughed at the ridiculousness of the suggestion. It felt pretty weird to be laughing and joking with someone who wasn't Troy. Laughing just made me miss him.
I have been ignoring him. And you know what? I actually think he hates it. I don't know whether it is because he misses me, or maybe he just misses being the centre of attention. Whatever it is, I can see it is causing him pain. Sadistically, it thrills me. I am just so angry with him. I have never had such violent feelings towards him before.
I hit him. Mr Fulton ordered me to take some room service to one of the suites and on my way back I saw him. It was just the back of his head but of course I knew who it was and I followed him. Seeing the way his hair fell on the back of his head. It was so familiar and made my stomach clench, but it was also ironic because it was the back of his head. Ever since being at Lava Springs I knew each strand of hair at the back of his head extremely well and barely recognised the ones at the front.
He went into a small room that contained golf clubs and I went in too and locked the door behind us. He quickly turned around and narrowed his eyes. He asked me what the fuck I wanted. My pent up rage exploded. I screamed at him. I just wanted him to treat me like his equal. To acknowledge me. He hung his head and I moved closer. I wanted him to look me in the eye.
Then he pushed me away and asked me what I was doing to him. I didn't know what he meant. Look what you have done to me, you fucking faggot, he said. That did it. I lunged at him and punched him in his precious, admired face and blood poured from his nose. He tried to hold his nostrils closed but I pushed my face into his, kissing and smudging the blood and when I pulled away I knew it was all over my face and shirt and it tasted salty, but I was glad it was there.
Look what you have done to me, I said. I ripped of my bloody shirt and threw it to the ground. Look!
He said that I did it to myself. I looked down and realised he was right. And I was so angry about this that I punched him again. And he punched me back. Until be were wrestling and kicking and punching and rolling around on the floor. And our fight became less and less aggressive and all of a sudden we were kissing. And I could still taste the blood.
Stop! He pushed me off of him and stood up. But before he made it to the door he collapsed in a heap and began to cry. I slowly crawled over to him. I pulled his arm away from his face, forcing him to look at me. His eyes blue turned green with the tears stared at me. I love you Chad, he said. I just pulled him into a strong embrace. I'm sure our bodies fit perfectly together. There is nothing more comforting than holding him in my arms and soon I was confessing that I love him too, even if he probably already knew it.
Then he looked at me and said that he 'can't'. Can't what? I never asked him to give up anything. Gabriella, or basketball or his Dad or any of the things he loves most. I would never do that. So why can't he? And then I thought maybe I really don't deserve to be his best friend. Because sometimes I really don't understand him at all. He's right. I haven't got him all figured out. Is that why he's doing this? To punish me? Because I don't know him well enough? Then I was looking at the back of his head again.
The day of the talent show. I listened to Kelsi tell us what happened between Troy and Sharpay. And my heart filled with pride and happiness at the thought that he would be coming back to me again. I really believed he was. And then we made up. I even got another hug. But he said brothers fight. Brothers. He said that to warn me didn't he? That we are nothing more.
Now I am watching him sing Everyday with Gabriella. He really is the perfect guy. And he's my best friend again. I'm so happy. Not as happy as Gabriella is maybe. But it's always going to be like that, I think.
But then after the show, he pulls me away to a quiet room. And he kisses me. It's a tender kiss. A real kiss. The kind of kiss you give to someone you really love. Or even, a kiss you give someone you are in love with. And then he actually tells me that he is. And I finally realise I am too. I knew I loved him because I always have. But now I know I am in love with him.
And he tells me that he kissed Sharpay. I am quite shocked at first but he quickly says it was because he was so confused but then after the kiss he knew what he wanted. Me. And when we exit the room he goes off to find Gabriella and I go off to find Ryan. We squeeze each other's hands reassuringly first.
I can't wait to tell Ryan. He has his sister back now too. But when I turn the corner and spot him, he is not with her. And neither is Zeke, surprisingly. They are sitting side by side looking at the stars. I move closer to hear what they are saying. They are talking about Sharpay. Well, Zeke is. Ryan is just nodding and agreeing. But then he sits up and looks at the dark boy next to him. And then he leans in and kisses him on the cheek. He stands up and looks down at Zeke who has his hand to his cheek and looks stunned. And I hear Ryan say to him, that when he finally realises he is after the wrong twin, he would be waiting. And Zeke looks confused. But not angry. Sort of reflective.
As Ryan walks past I grab him and pull him behind the corner I was watching from. And we frantically whisper our stories to one another. Then he walks off still looking slightly dazed and I go off to find Troy again. I see him walking towards me looking pretty sad but then he sees me and smiles. He comes up to me and grabs my hand. And I know that I am no longer in Troy Bolton's shadow but standing right beside him.