In a world where Albus Dumbledore 'destroys' Voldemort, just as Lily and James came out of their last year of Hogwarts, things are different. James, horrified by what he has seen in the war, leaves Lily suddenly without any warning. Now, 10 years later, he turns up on her doorstep, on her wedding anniversary. " "The course of true love never did run smooth." James mumbles, and in that moment, Lily truly understands that damned saying. And then she thinks…..now what?" James/Lily AU

1989

Lily still remembers it vividly; even though it was ten years before. It's as if she's watching a movie, the memory eclipsing any other pain she's felt before. At night it's especially horrible. Without his arms there to comfort her, Lily is left to the pain of that night. She wakes up, and it's ten times worse, because she just relived the most painful moment, her worst nightmare ever, and he's not there to calm her down, to tell her it was just a dream Lils, nothing more.

If you loved me, then why leave?

Why, why why?

James- why did you leave me?

The question haunts her the same time every year. Often she's able to put it out of her mind for a while, and she enjoys this life she's created, loves it. She's finally happy, and she's not going to let anything ruin that.

But every year, this year, she can't help but wonder what would have happened had he not left.

Lily turns over on her side, her husband's arm resting comfortably around her. She pecks his cheek, and smooths back his hair, before getting out of bed quietly. Making her way downstairs, (intent on making herself a nice warm cup of hot cocoa) Lily gazes at the dark sitting room, and shivers when a flash of lightning illuminates the room. Thunder rumbles, and she almost doesn't hear the timid knocking on the door. But she does, and that is her first mistake.

She makes her way to the door, and opens it, wand out. She's still so cautious, even after all these years. However nothing prepares her, nothing at all. The sight that greets her will send her reeling, back, back into the past.

Because James Potter, the man she once loved so fiercely until he disappeared for no reason, is sitting on her doorstep, gazing up at her, his rain splattered hair stuck to his skull.

Lily screams.

1976 ~ 1977

After the war, it isn't uncommon for Lily to find James sitting by the fire in the common room. So she makes sure that she checks up on him, whenever she hears him pad past her room (she's a very light sleeper) in the middle of the night.

James saw things that Lily didn't. Lily witnessed horrific and horrible scenes; true, but James was the right hand man, the other savior, the spy of Albus Dumbledore. James had gone through more than Lily could ever imagine.

So she comforts him with kisses and words that only she can say. She never thought she'd love James as fiercely as she does; he was always the one to love her to the point of worship. But now the tables are turned, and Lily finds herself sinking deeper and deeper into despair as James becomes a shell of the man he used to be, and begins to simply….ignore her.

"James….talk to me." She says one night, slipping her arm around his shoulders and leaning her head on his shoulder. "I want to know what's going on." Her eyes sting slightly.

He removes her arm gently, and shifts away from her. "Lily, I don't want to."

Eventually, she gives up, and the footsteps that echo in the hallway each night just become another sound to ignore.

The night before they graduate, Lily explodes.

It happens like this; James is humming to himself, happily, messing around with his snitch. He looks so happy; a change from the previous months- and just so sudden, so soon. And Lily, writing letters home, trying trying to fix things with Petunia, who's getting married in a week, and Lily's not invited to the wedding.

And James is just sitting there, happy as anything. Lily just can't help it; she's been miserable as well these past months with Petunia, with her parents (who are growing more distant with Lily, who are now scared of magic) but she's put James before her. And she just can't stop the feeling of resentment, that she's in pain as well, but that James just doesn't care.

The breaking point comes when suddenly her owl flies into the room, with a letter from Petunia.

Lily,

Stop sending that owl here. I told you, I don't want you at my wedding. I won't tell you the address; and don't try and find it with your freaky magic either. If you do, then I'll never talk to you again. Actually, I would prefer you not to talk to me at all unless it concerns Mum and Dad. For the sake of our parents I will be cordial for you whenever we are in the same house together; but now that I don't live in the same house as you anymore, I don't see the reason for us to carry on pretending like we actually feel like sisters.

Don't try and blame this on me; you know what you did.

Petunia Evans

Her relationship with Petunia had been deteriorating rapidly ever since the War had started. And then there had been the incident. But Lily hates to think of the incident, so she blocks it out of her mind, and instead focuses all of her rage on James.

Lily stalks over to where he is sitting in their shared Head's common room, and snatches the snitch.

"Why are you so happy, suddenly?" Lily asks, her voice dangerously low.

James looks bemused. "I'm sorry?" Then he chuckles. "You've got ink smeared on your cheek- someone's obviously being a bit of a daydreamer." He teases lightly.

Suddenly everything just turns red, and Lily can't feel, can't think. Everything's boiled over and it's all James's fault, that he isn't there for her either, that they were supposed to fall madly in love, get married, and just be happy but god dammit he's ruining it and it's all HIS FAULT!

"I HATE YOU!" She screams.

James stands up suddenly and abruptly, the good humor gone from his face. "What did I do?" He says weakly.

She stands opposite him, breathing heavily. "Why are you suddenly so happy? WHY?" She's so confused, everything's just melting together and all she can feel is anger anger anger.

"Lily-"

"Why don't you care about me anymore?" It's a dangerous whisper. "For months all I've done is care for you, god dammit, and you've just been so morose, so unhappy. And now, suddenly everything is fine again? Don't you care about me?"

Suddenly she's in James's arms, pressed up against his chest as he holds her. She pounds her fists weakly against his chest, but soon gives up and just sobs.

"What happened?" James says quietly, his head resting on top of hers. "Was it Snape?"

"No!" Lily chokes out quickly, not surprised however that James would suddenly jump to that conclusion. "No...It's Petunia."

She feels herself being led to the sofa, and then James is gone. She hears the crackle of paper, and realises all too late that James is reading the letter.

"No!" She jumps up and tries to grab it from him, but he dances out of the way, his face dark.

"How dare she." The words are so quiet at first that Lily doesn't hear them. "How dare she!"

"James?"

"Does she even know what you've been through? For her? For her kind?" James spits.

Lily recoils, and James, seeing her reaction is quick to assure her.

"No no no, I don't mean it like that Lily. I, um, I love muggles!" He says, and chuckles weakly. Lily sniffs and wipes her tears away. ''Oh Lily...Don't pay any attention to that wretched sister of yours."

Lily gazes up at him. She doesn't care anymore, doesn't want to talk about Petunia. "James….what happened?"

James looks at her, slightly confused. "Huh?"

Lily looks down at her hands. "James….you know what I mean."

James's eyes harden slightly. "I don't want to talk about the war, Lily."

Lily sighs. "James, you've become a shadow of your former self! What happened to you? What happened to us? Do…." She bites her lip. "Do you still even care?"

James rushes to her side almost immediately, and for a second he is her James again, the one that she fell in love with. "No, Lily, of course I still love you. It's just that…" He runs his hand through his hair, a gesture that usually Lily hates- but seeing him just act so- so- James like, she doesn't care the slightest.

"I'm sorry Lils. I can't - I won't- tell you. I saw things that…" He shudders. "I'm sorry Lily. I'm so, so sorry."

Lily caresses his face gently, her eyes softening. "What can I do?" She says, softly.

James's eyes meet her own, and Lily knows that he's begun to heal, that they still have each other- that he's not lost.

"Just...stay."

And so she does.

They move into a small house together, after graduation. Lily knows that normally people would think it scandalous that she and James are living together, and not married- but the fact that the two of them are such prominent figures from the war, and that the wizarding world is in such a turmoil- people either don't care or just don't notice.

James is beginning to heal, and the light returns to his eyes. Sirius, Remus and Peter are regular visitors to their little home in Godric's Hollow, and Lily is content- finally. She studies for her Potions Mastery at home.

They live there happily, for two years. James is in training to become an Auror, and it seems that finally finally the shadows that the war cast is going to fade away and be the past and nothing more.

And, Lily feels as if nothing could bring her down when one day, on a quiet Thursday afternoon, James gets down on one knee and proposes to her. She says yes, of course, happy tears mixing in with those of James's as they kiss each other.

Lily throws herself into planning for her wedding, and they set the date, two months from then. Truth be told, the two of them are scared, scared that something like the war might happen again and that they'll be lost to each other forever. Lily's parents complain about her marrying so young, but when she quietly sits them down and tells them all she's seen in the war, all James has seen in the war, they finally understand that Lily isn't just 20 years old. She's much older, much wiser, and that she knows that James is the one for her and nothing can change that.

Lily invites Petunia to her wedding, even though James protests.

"James, she's my sister." Lily says seriously, when James spots the silver and white envelope on the pile. "I don't care what she's done in the past- we're still family."

"Family doesn't do what she did, Lily." He says quietly as he watches the owl fly out of the house. "And you know that-"

"That she'll say no?" Lily interrupts. "Of course I do. But… I won't be like her James. I won't be petty and bitchy. When the time comes, and trust me, it will, Petunia will want to have her sister back. Petunia is full of sharp words, and jealousy, and spite, but you know what? For years, whenever the other kids teased me when I did some accidental magic, she was the one that would threaten them if they called me freak. She was my big sister, my protector James. And- only when envy reared it's ugly head did she turn into...the person she is now. But I know that Tuney will come back in the end James. Ok?" Lily's blinking back tears at this point.

James grabs her up into a hug. "Shhh, it's ok, I understand. I'm sorry." He says quietly.

Lily cuddles into his chest, and their spat is forgotten.

It happens a week before the wedding. Lily goes out shopping, and when she comes back, everything seems normal.

James isn't there.

Lily frowns when she can't find him- he kissed her goodbye at the door just a half an hour before. So she assumes that maybe he popped round to Peter's (He and Remus are rooming together have bought a house just down the street- something that Sirius is deadly jealous of) which he does occasionally. So she pours herself a generous amount of wine, starts dinner….and waits.

And waits….

And waits….

At around two o' clock in the morning, Lily is ready to kill James. So, she stomps her way over to Remus and Peter's, and demands that he comes home.

"Lily….he isn't here." Peter says, yawning. "I'm sorry, maybe he went out for drink with Sirius...and well." Peter rolls his eyes as if to say that maybe the pair were a little bit tipsy and lost track of time.

Lily smiles, albeit slightly nervously. "Sorry for waking you up. I'll just….yell at him tomorrow then." She sighs. James has some explaining to do.

Lily falls asleep on the sofa, her dinner uneaten. She expects that she'll wake up to the sound of James stomping into the house, his warm breath tickling her ear as he whispers goodnight….but only when the sunlight streaming through the window hits her directly in the face, does she realise something is wrong.

Lily sits bolt upright, and checks the time. 11 o'clock AM. Growling, Lily throws a handful of floo powder into the fireplace, and shouts, Sirius's Place! (Sirius had bought a flat in London, and with little imagination had called it Sirius's Place.)

Lily steps into the floo, and stumbles across Sirius, who is lying, passed out of the floor.

Lily grabs her wand and shouts, "Aguamenti!" With a cough and splutter, Sirius is awake.

"Lily?" He groans weakly. "Why...huh?"

"Where is James?" Lily scowls. "I have been waiting for him all night long, you tell him to get his backside out here or I will cut off his antlers!" Ok so that wasn't the best insult I could think of, but...in the heat of the moment it'll do. Lily thinks wryly to herself.

Sirius looks at her confused. "Lily...James isn't here."

Lily pales. "Wha-what? But...he isn't at Remus or Peter's either!"

Sirius's gaze darkens. They both exchange a look, and leap for the floo. Ever since the war, rogue Death Eaters that haven't been captured have become a threat, and since their main target is people like Lily and James (who helped bring about the Dark Lord's downfall), a warning was issued that they should keep their wands on them at all times, and ward their houses against any possible threats.

Lily and Sirius step out of the fireplace, and as if in an unspoken agreement, both begin scouring the house for any possible clues. Lily starts in the living room, to see if perhaps there are any signs of struggle. She was to tired last night to really look at her surroundings, so she's afraid she might have missed something.

But there's nothing wrong. Everything seems to be in place, nothing ruined or kicked over. Lily's worst fear, that James might have been kidnapped- is obviously not what happened.

And then Sirius calls her. He's in Lily and James's bedroom, and so Lily, fearing the worst (as she had slept on the sofa the night before waiting for James), runs up the stairs.

What greets her is Sirius's ashen face, and a crumpled piece of parchment paper.

She grabs it, and her whole world comes crashing down.

Lily,

My darling Lily. You are the girl I've chased since fourth year, the seemingly unattainable girl that I could never get. Do you remember all those love letters I sent you? "Your hair burns like the fire deep inside my heart…" Yeah, I was pretty cliche, wasn't I?

If I were to write you a love letter again, it would probably say that you are...well you're Lily. I love the way you read your books, your forehead all scrunched up and eyes flicking back and forth, never going away from the page. How when you yell at me, I just love you even more, because it shows that you actually care that I wasn't back in time for dinner, or that I didn't kiss you goodbye, or whatever made your famous temper flare. When you sleep, you often kick me in the legs, and it hurts like hell. But I don't care, because it's you that's kicking me, and even if I have to cast a protego charm on my legs each night, its worth it, being able to sleep next to you, and watch you snore. Yeah, you didn't know you did that either, did you? Alice told me that they would cast charms on your bed each night just to….look I'm going off subject here, aren't I?

God, Lily please forgive me for what I'm about to say. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.

I can't stay with you anymore, Lils.

Merlin, I know it sounds horrible, and unjustified, but I don't think you understand. I know I just wrote you a love letter, proclaiming my love, and telling you how wonderful you are but...god I just can't do this anymore!

This little home life that we have is...is….

During the war I saw so many things, Lily. Things you wouldn't even dream of witnessing. I have nightmares, every night, of the dead coming back and telling me, "It's all your fault that we died…" And I can't help but think that maybe they're right! I mean, I'm here with you, loving you, and you loving me, and GOD I just can't,

Lily, I'm doing this for you, and for me. You'll find someone better, someone who isn't as scarred as me. I need to find myself, if that makes any goddamn sense. I need to forget the war, and with you, I can't. You were by my side during it, and just being with you reminds me every single day that I killed and fought and- god Lily I'm sorry I'm so so so sorry but I can't be with you anymore! I want to find someone who will understand what I've been through, who will help heal those scars. And you can't do that Lily.

I hate myself for this Lily, but I'll never be myself when I'm with you.

Sirius, Peter, Remus...I'm sorry mates. It was good while it lasted. I know I'm a fucking bastard for doing this, but I have got to get out of Britain, away from everything and everyone.

Goodbye.

Love,

James, Prongs, Jamie, or whatever you want to call me. Please, I'm sorry.

Lily clutches the letter, and when she feels Sirius's arms envelop her, she lets go. The two of them sink down to the ground, sobbing.

1989

"Shhh Lils, I'm sorry I really am shhhhh…"

Lily backs away from this man, this apparition, this cruel, cruel ghost.

"You...you…" Her wand arm is shaking. She fights to control it.

"It's me!" The man practically shouts. He still hasn't entered the house, but Lily is still backing away, her eyes not once leaving his wet and shivering form.

"How...how do I know…"

"Lily…" Only now does he cross the doorway. "Lily, it's me."

"James…"

"James, Jamie, Prongs or whatever you want to call me." He offers with a crooked grin, one that Lily hasn't seen in years- only in the photos that she lets her fingers brush over, every now and then.

Lily sinks to the floor.

She got her wish this year. His arms circle her shivering form, and despite the fact that he's creating puddles on the floor, Lily leans into his embrace. His arms are there this year- but he doesn't tell her that it was a dream.

Because everything is so so so real.

James, why did you come back?

Why?

Why did you come back, James?

And Lily knows that now she's in for one hell of a journey.